Why does it hurt so much to talk to H about his freebee?

[compulsivedancer]

My H, CompulsiveMusician, recently posted a thread about this past year. BetrayedH asked him whether he had reconsidered his freebee(s). Which of course meant we ended up discussing it again.

 

I find it can't talk about it. For some reason, the thought of him with another woman - just thinking about it - doesn't really hurt. But when we discuss it, it hurts.

 

I don't know if it's the way he talks about it, or what, but I almost immediately find myself crying.

 

Before the A, I didn't care if he slept with someone else. The thought actually kind of turned me on. On the other hand, I was completely secure in our relationship then (at least, on his side), which I am not any more.

 

And if he did it now, he's not looking for a relationship. And he wouldn't be doing it behind my back either. And it would probably be one encounter with a woman or a couple of women, not repeat encounters that would lead to feelings. So what gives?

 

I think it's something in the way he talks about it. Maybe I can feel that he hasn't really forgiven me yet? Maybe I feel like he wants to do it to punish me?

 

I hate the thought of having things we can't discuss. But I told him to find someone else (a guy) to talk about this with instead of me.

 

Could someone please explain the psychology of this to me?

[katielee]

In what world did you think offering him a freebee would be a good idea?

Why are you, essentially, telling him that it's ok to degrade himself and go against his values? To even the score? Because that's not what happens in these situations, and that's why you can't discuss it.

Please consider reevaluating. It just makes things So MUCH WORSE.

[road]

There should be no freebies.

 

 

Tell him that.

[whichwayisup]

Your marriage is doomed if he really is considering this or if he's holding it over your head to make you suffer (feel pain, feel bad, guilty for your A). It's one thing to cheat and have an affair, it's selfish and self serving, but to intentionally have a few 'freebies' is cruel and planned/calculated, directed at you to 'even the score' and to make you feel betrayed/hurt like he felt.

 

You've proven yourself worthy of that second chance, right now your H (I say this respectfully of course) is blowing it big time! Considering it, speaking to you about it is not helping your marriage to a better place, it's doing damage not only to the marriage, but to you as well.

 

Two wrongs do not make a right.

[xxoo]

I think it's something in the way he talks about it. Maybe I can feel that he hasn't really forgiven me yet? Maybe I feel like he wants to do it to punish me?

 

How does he talk about it?

 

It seems really ironic that this post is only hours after his positive post. I wouldn't have guessed after reading that post that he was still counting on a freebie.

[Grumpybutfun]

The only way you can interpret a freebie sex encounter is as punishment. It doesn't feel good when we ask for forgiveness and try to work through our mistakes and know that the person who is supposed to love and forgive us wants to punish us over and over again. Freebies are just passive aggressive temper tantrums. If he isn't willing to reconcile without punishing you then you need to move on. Marriage built on one upping the other or continuous shame and guilt isn't healthy. You did something horrid. He does something horrid back. Then, where do you go from there? Resentment, fear, loathing, wondering what to do next to punish you over and over again?

Good luck,

Grumps

[confusedandhurt2002]

Two wrongs do not make a right. Then you have two people in even more pain. In my humble opinion of course!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

He loves you, but he still wants you to pay for your mistakes. It's part revenge, part punishment, mostly all talk, and more than revenge or punishment, it is his way of getting REASSURANCE that you still love him.

 

You are not giving him any reason to lash out at you NOW, he still from time to time feels like lashing out. When you go to him and ask him directly, it gives him that chance.

 

If you were NOT upset about it, that would bother him greatly.

 

It almost is like some kind of weird duet, or dance, where you bring it up, and he says it, then he feels both good that he hurt you and bad that he hurt you and good that you care enough about him that it hurts you.

 

It feels good when you get upset about it, shows him you really care, which was lacking for quite some time and he really felt it and still feels it that you didn't care about him. He still has a lot of doubts about you, he knows what you are capable of. He hurts. It makes him feel better, even if very temporarily, when you hurt, too. Very fleeting.

 

I don't think he'll ever really do it. Some day in the next year or two he'll drop it completely, but having it available is still something that gives him some comfort now, even if he doesn't always verbalize it.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

You have to ride out his lashing out from time to time. He is riding out a lot of stuff that you did. If you keep proving to him that you are now loyal, he eventually will stop lashing out. More than a year, but less than two, for me, let's say about a year and a half, with her doing everything right, before all of that stuff was over.

[thummper]

No freebees! Seriously!!! You (and you know I'm specifically talking to YOU CM) need to revel in each other. I think you know that. You need a "freebee" like you need to drive your car into a stone wall. CD is yours, my friend, and nobody else's. I've read your story, and it's brought tears to my eyes many times. I'm encouraged with what I've read. I have tremendous respect for you both, but particularly CM. I couldn't have reconciled with my wife if she had done what CD did, but, damn it, I LOVE the fact that you and she are really trying your hardest to get beyond what happened and rediscover your blessed connection. Your love for each other is really inspiring, I hope you realize that. I think many on this site have taken heart in your success. You've proved forgiveness and R are possible even after the worst betrayals. God bless you both.

[BetrayedH]

My apologies, CD. I don't mean to make things worse.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I read your husband's post, he's getting there, but there are no shortcuts to the amount of time that has to pass. A slip up by either of you could end everything. He has to decide in his head to "be married" to you again. While he is hanging on to thoughts of leaving and thoughts of a "freebie," he still hasn't finalized that decision to be married to you. You have to keep proving yourself to him, and that only can happen with your behavior over time.

 

His recent post and yours here seem normal for me at this point, a year from your d-day. Keep doing what you're doing (except for bringing up the affair) and I think it will work out.

 

I wouldn't accept him having a freebie, but I wouldn't tell him that now. Save it for when he tries to cash in his freebie coupon. For now I would just consider it his pain speaking and that he won't ever actually go through with it.

 

I suggest not bringing the freebie up anymore. Also not bringing up how to commemorate d-day. Or anything else about the affair. Let him bring it up if he wants to talk.

[compulsivedancer]

My apologies, CD. I don't mean to make things worse.

 

You didn't. It's a conversation that comes up periodically.

[Timmos]

He loves you, but he still wants you to pay for your mistakes. It's part revenge, part punishment, mostly all talk, and more than revenge or punishment, it is his way of getting REASSURANCE that you still love him.

 

You are not giving him any reason to lash out at you NOW, he still from time to time feels like lashing out. When you go to him and ask him directly, it gives him that chance.

 

If you were NOT upset about it, that would bother him greatly.

 

It almost is like some kind of weird duet, or dance, where you bring it up, and he says it, then he feels both good that he hurt you and bad that he hurt you and good that you care enough about him that it hurts you.

 

It feels good when you get upset about it, shows him you really care, which was lacking for quite some time and he really felt it and still feels it that you didn't care about him. He still has a lot of doubts about you, he knows what you are capable of. He hurts. It makes him feel better, even if very temporarily, when you hurt, too. Very fleeting.

 

I don't think he'll ever really do it. Some day in the next year or two he'll drop it completely, but having it available is still something that gives him some comfort now, even if he doesn't always verbalize it.

 

I very much agree with this.

 

I'll admit that I have suggested the idea of a freebee to my WW. If she was to reply with anything other than "Absolutely not!" I would be deeply concerned. This is after having been told to find someone else while I was out of town over the summer for work, and her idea of "sharing me with a friend," all during her affair.

[Fluttershy]

Normally, I am against RAs or freebies. They don't work for R. You eiter open up your marriage for both or you let it go

 

But

 

Your situation is hard because if I remember correctly your H and you had only ever been with each other. That is a whole other imbalance. It is one thing for a virgin to marry someone with sexual experience. They know that goin in and accept it. You on the other hand went in as virgins. This is a different sort of imbalance that I could never understand what he ust be feeling it.

 

I know you guys are not into MC but a lot of time has passed and this just mught be something that needs a mediator for.

 

If i got your story wrong... Sorry, just keep on moving, nothing tonread here.

[dichotomy]

What Mickey said.

 

I am not going to talk about whether a freebee is right or wrong...but maybe you offering it was a way to let yourself of the hook - not help him.... but I digress - you are right "why does he still talk about it"

 

Being betrayed you wish to reclaim some power - sometimes some of us BS take the view - I can divorce you any time now - or 10 years from now with no guilt...I got a free pass to divorce you because you cheated. Ok -fair enough...you have that power and control ....but your husband now also has another free pass - to get a piece of ass free and clear. So okay he has alot of power now - BS's need to feel that way for a while.

 

Want my advice? Tell him the free pass for piece of ass expires in 6-12 months cause you both need to move on. **** or get off the pot.

Edited February 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[harrybrown]

He did buy a house with you. He is making some progress. That is a good big step.

 

Yes, he probably still hurts from the affair sometimes. I hope he never uses the free pass, but if it makes you upset(which it should), maybe it makes him feel wanted by you. Sounds rotten and strange, but his ego and self-esteem took a huge hit. It would be better for him to tell you he can feel like he is hurt and sometimes your backup plan. You did have strong feelings for the OM and his dday with the comments that were made will be in his mind for a long time.

 

So continue to make him feel wanted and loved. He is married to you and you can help him see what a wonderful lady he now has as his wife and what a fool he would be to use the freebie. Rock both of your world now and in the future. Have the best affair with your H.

Edited February 1, 2014 by harrybrown
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[lollipopspot]

The idea of "freebies" just seems childish to me. Either stay married and committed, or don't (or agree to an open relationship and everyone can do what they want).

 

Between the big anniversary date of the affair (and all the brooding talk about you having to leave for the night), and the talk about the freebie after a year, and my sense of the other threads, I've just felt that CM is wallowing in this and getting a lot of emotional mileage out of it, and by trying to be helpful, you end up encouraging it. Maybe it's just different styles, but it seems very emotional and dramatic, when at times it doesn't need to be (like commemorating the date of the reveal and such).

[lilmisscantbewrong]

CD - I really hope this doesn't become a reality. From my own experience, the revenge affair or freebie or whatever you want to call it only compounds the problems. It will set you back so far - really it will. Although in some weird way it puts you on a even playing field,the result is now you have two people who don't trust each other. I often wonder how many couples really recover from infidelity on both sides. We are hanging in there, but it isn't easy.

 

My opinion is no freebies - it doesn't help.

[janedoe67]

Once again, this whole idea springs from plain old hypocrisy. IF adultery is wrong, then it is wrong. This whole "it's okay if they did it first" is basically saying "I don't have to be true to my values if you don't hold up your end of the bargain." And isn't that the thing we get onto WS's for doing when they blame a bad marriage for their A's?

 

Irony.

[MuddyFootprints]

I am trying to imagine how a scenario like this would go down.

 

"Hi. My wife cheated on me so she says I get a freebee to help me heal. Wanna f@#k?"

 

I wonder what the success rate of that pick up line is.

 

I understand why talking about it hurts, CD. You are supposed to be reconciling and helping each other feel safe again.

[xxoo]

The power theory makes sense to me. It hurts you to talk about it, so it gives him the power to hurt you without doing anything "wrong".

 

I doubt he'll ever cash it in, because it would be cashing in his power. What then?

 

When and if he heals, he probably won't want any part of this conversation.

 

You don't like the conversation, and suggest he talks to another guy about it. On some level, do you wish he'd act on it, without throwing it in your face, so that you are "equal"? Do you imagine that would take some of the heat off of you?

[Confused48]

Hey CD,

 

Sorry you are having trouble with this. My WS, very reluctantly, gave me a free pass. I've not used it. WS gave it to me with conditions. Said I was not ever to tell WS I used it or anything about it. Which kind of ruined it for me. The whole point for me was to have WS know what I'm feeling.

 

I started a thread about it called "is there another way?" What I got out of that thread was basically if I did do it and told WS about it, I'd be sorry. I'd be the one with the knife in the hand rather than in the back. Maybe have your H read that. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/457040-there-another-way-q-mostly-fws

 

Some days I think I might use my free pass and even tell WS about it. I don't know why. It's not when things are going badly for us. It seems almost random. It just pops into my mind. I don't flirt, never have. But I'm sure if some attractive person flirted with me I'd be an easy conquest. Luckily for WS I always give off a "not available" vibe to the opposite sex. Even when I am.

 

Most of the time though I know I won't do it. Most of the time I hope I'm never tested. I know rationally it would be a really bad thing. Not just for WS but for me and my family and my relationship with WS.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

And if he did it now, he's not looking for a relationship. And he wouldn't be doing it behind my back either. And it would probably be one encounter with a woman or a couple of women, not repeat encounters that would lead to feelings. So what gives?

 

 

 

I'm not sure where this info will fit into the big scheme of things but I'll throw this out there and you can file it away however you please.

 

 

Unless Compulsive Musician is already some kind of playa' or PUA or womanizer or anything, telling him to go have a freebie might as well be telling him to go climb Mt Everest.

 

 

The guy was a virgin who married a virgin and he has been faithfull to her. Does that really sound like the kind of guy that's gonna go out and bang one out with one or two chicks as a ONS without any emotional involvement or feelings??????????

 

 

I don't know anything about CM but I do know that he is not a cute chick. A hot chick can sit in a bar and wink at whatever guy walks in and she could have a ONS with no feelings with a guy every hour on the hour for as long as she is conscious and some of the guys won't even care if she is conscious or not.

 

 

It just doesn't work that way for guys.

 

 

Telling him to go have a freebie to help relieve YOUR guilt is unfair, unrealistic and even a bit offensive for a guy who's not already a bedpostnotcher.

 

 

By telling him to do that you are rubbing in his face that something you did that was so easy for you, is basically telling him to do the near impossible for him without changing himself into a different species.

 

 

I suspect one of the reasons you are experiencing distress over this is you realize he's not just going to walk into some bar and have some gullible little harlot fall for his rippling biceps and masculine charm. For him to have his freebie he's going to have to work at it. He's going to have to charm some gal, flirt with her, schmooze her, get to know her, share things with her, establish a personal rapport with her, ACTUALLY LIKE HER and become emotionally invested and involved with her.

 

 

.....and you're encouraging this all to relieve some of YOUR guilt and do it to help your conscience.

[oldshirt]

 

I am not going to talk about whether a freebee is right or wrong...but maybe you offering it was a way to let yourself of the hook - not help him....

 

 

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^^^ yes ^^^^^