wasntlooking Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 Ok, im not looking for a fix here....i am struggling with NC like anyone else would. Its been four months, he has not tried to contact me and vice versa, i changed a lot of things but there is one way he still can contact me at. I ended it cause i was falling hard and got scared. Right thing to do i know. But him not contacting me is a good thing? I know it is. But i feel so sad that hes not trying.....makes me feel like he doesnt care. I dont want him to be a psycho either so not sure what im looking for. I guess it doesnt surprise me hes not contacting becausd he was always respectful of contact. Argh....the whole A thing really takes a blow to youd self esteem...........never again..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 1, 2014 Author Share Posted February 1, 2014 I guess i just feel like how can he be so chill about it all...i feel like im losing it Link to post Share on other sites
clairbear Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 I know isn't it crazy how at first it does your self esteem wonders an then a few months down the line it's the opposite as and you start feeling worse and worse about yourself. Sending big hugs wasntlooking 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 from the male perspective: why would he contact you after you ended it? if you told him to leave you alone and not contact you then he is being respectful. the last thing that we want to do as men, is come crawling along after a real or perceived rejection. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 I think Ure still looking for that ' control ' that you might have had on him at one point . It's that ego boost that comes with an A . You did the right thing by ending it . Stick to your NC . I hope for your happiness that he never tries to get in touch . Will save u from a boatload if misery and unhappiness . good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 Ok, im not looking for a fix here....i am struggling with NC like anyone else would. Its been four months, he has not tried to contact me and vice versa, i changed a lot of things but there is one way he still can contact me at. I ended it cause i was falling hard and got scared. Right thing to do i know. But him not contacting me is a good thing? I know it is. But i feel so sad that hes not trying.....makes me feel like he doesnt care. I dont want him to be a psycho either so not sure what im looking for. I guess it doesnt surprise me hes not contacting becausd he was always respectful of contact. Argh....the whole A thing really takes a blow to youd self esteem...........never again..... It has been 12 years since I last had my heart broken. I've moved four times and changed my phone number 5 soon to be six times since then. I just discovered my home phone, which is used for Internet is listed. I like knowing he CAN'T find me, never mind if he has ever actually tried to find me. I would encourage you to make it so he can't contact you. Give yourself that peace of mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LaylaSings Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 I guess i just feel like how can he be so chill about it all...i feel like im losing it You may appear chill on the outside too.. He could be going through just as much turmoil who knows.. Men can sometimes hide that better than us but still feel it within. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 1, 2014 Author Share Posted February 1, 2014 While we were in the A both of us respected our space.....never would contact each other whild with our families.We never freaked out if days went by without tslking either so its not a complete shock hes not contacting but still makes my mind wonder....i know i shouldnt care........we both were always chill people with each other, very easy going......never knew such a good trait would cause me so much heartbreak in the end........it sometimes would be easier and more of a turn off if he was the opposite....it would be easier to say heck no i dont want this.... Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 I guess i just feel like how can he be so chill about it all...i feel like im losing it You don't know if he is chill or not, likewise, he doesn't know if you are either. That's part of NC. You don't know what the other person thinks or feels because regardless of how you feel you try not to contact them, so don't torture yourself by making it up. Moving forward is the right thing and most times both people struggle with it, but you don't break NC to say so. You haven't contacted him either so why should he try to contact you. That's what NC is, remaining no contact, even if you want to contact the person. Trust me, it does get better with time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 ^^^^ Great suggestions from Miss Been. Hang in there...it will get better. Try to focus your thoughts on the reason why it didn't work. Love and be good to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
BruisedBNBroken Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Trust me when I tell you you DO NOT want him to contact you. I am three months no contact after I ended the A and practically begged xAP to never contact me again. Well he has tried to contact me via work email (the only place I can't block) a handful of times. It's awful. Really, really awful. There is no feeling of control for me, no feel good ego stroking. It's blatant disregard for my feelings and boundaries and a clear indication that he has no respect for me. I read it and delete it immediately, but it sets me back every single time. He's not missing me, he's not looking to make a change, he's just hoping I'm desperate enough to flatter him because maybe he's gotten bored and needs a few minutes of excitement. I know it doesn't seem this way, but please be thankful that your xAP has enough respect for you to respect your wishes. The alternative is a complete no win situation. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Ok, im not looking for a fix here....i am struggling with NC like anyone else would. Its been four months, he has not tried to contact me and vice versa, i changed a lot of things but there is one way he still can contact me at. I ended it cause i was falling hard and got scared. Right thing to do i know. But him not contacting me is a good thing? I know it is. But i feel so sad that hes not trying.....makes me feel like he doesnt care. I dont want him to be a psycho either so not sure what im looking for. I guess it doesnt surprise me hes not contacting becausd he was always respectful of contact. Argh....the whole A thing really takes a blow to youd self esteem...........never again..... You and your situation sounds exactly like mine. I too stopped for the same reasons and have felt the same way afterwards. I'm going on my 3rd month now and it's getting better little by little for me. Everyone gets better at a different rate. Just keep in the front of your mind that you did the right thing and stay strong. It might even help you to tell yourself that he, too, misses you, but he also knows it's the right thing to let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 Bruised n broken Thank you, you put it in perspective for me. Im sorry about your situation. I have thought of the othrr side and dont want XMM to be a psycho about contacting either, i guess its just nature to think if someone is not talking to you anymore they never cared or do not care. XAP and I always respected contact with each other. We were very careful and deep inside I know its all ok but the bad thoughts come out more than good ones. People will say that Im crazy and that he was a liar, which he was cause he cheated but I know both of us want to be together but just cant. Thats the hardest to deal with. And the silence hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
tchrgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Ugh, I know how you are feeling....especially the part about wondering what they are thinking??? My A ended a month ago -kind of mutually but more from his end. He is younger than me, no kids and wants to start a family with his wife. I am the weak one who has broken NC twice in that month because he hasn't contacted me and I wanted to be sure he was struggling too!!!!!! Absolutely insane....I am on day 10 of my 3rd round of NC and tomorrow being a month of not seeing him and I guess it gets easier. I do wait every day to hear from him that he is dying without me, us, the A, whatever! I can only hope that one day, I give up waiting and know that we did the right thing Good luck to you... Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I love B&B's perspective and Miss Bee's reminder of what NC is all about. I too hate the fact that he remains NC, even though it's precisely what I asked for. So, wasntlooking, you're in good (confused, crazy) company. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 Im so glad im in confused company lol, sometimes i think im crazy for having so many feelings still.....i wish none of us were going through this but i guess we put ourselves there. Tchrgirl Did he ever respond? Its so hard not to know what they think......but listening to som posters on here, he really has no idea ive been so crazy about this whole NC....for all he knows ive moved on and dont miss him a bit, which unfortunately, im not there yet.....stay strong you can do this........let him wonder what youre doing and as far as he knows youre doing fine without him which eventually i hope we all will be Link to post Share on other sites
tchrgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 He did answer, not the words I wanted to hear....how we are doing the right thing, he can't live a lie anymore etc. He did admit that some days are harder than others and I told him ALL my days are hard!!!!! He's going to work on his marriage and I'm left trying to get over this with a husband and 3 kids, very hard! I agree with you about having them wonder how we are and not breaking NC. I struggle everyday with it but hate to set myself back : ( 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 I've gone three months the longest of NC but my XMM has never truly respected the NC even when I told him to never contact me again. We're in NC again but it just happens last week but it ended on his terms this time. I'm hurt but more hurt how he did the NC. I Believe it's better when they respect ur wishes because it shows they truly don't want anyone hurt. My XMM clearly shows it's an addiction (I own up to mines), but it will never change with the outcome. You'll get through this OP! I'm tired of the dance myself.., Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 Tchrgirl I understand you completely. Therr are days i literally spaz out wanting to contact him. I consider myself a pretty strong person but this is really testing myself. But i calm down and think as far as he knows, im fine and im making hik wonder about how i can be so strong when i feel so weak. He doesnt knkw what a mess i really am . Some days i want him to know. It does get easier, trust me. My spazs are less now but its still a roller coaster ride. Take one day at a time. I have two kids and a husband too. Its really hard. As much as this A opened me up to someone that i really care for is out there, i wish i never met him. Ignorance is bliss. Stay strong. Make him wonder! Post here when you feel the urge to contact. Well talk each other out of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 Coco Im sorry for your situation. I do understand that him not respectng your wishes is not a good thing and can turn you off completely. Sorry for your fustration. In a way, this is making you get over him faster probably. I know if my XMM was a contact freak id be turned off and would probably help me get over him. Since mine is silent, i know its good but my heart tells me somethijg different. He does respect me and that turns me on still. He was always respectful of me, never pushy. I wish he was a spaz lol. Link to post Share on other sites
artdet Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) I always ask myself the same question when I want to go back into the A, is there anything I can do AND willing to do, to turn the A relationship into something that I want? That something meaning a solid, respective, exclusive and mutually loving R with a man. The answer is always NO. There is absolutely nothing that can be done. I always find peace in that knowledge and that seems to help me a lot. I never want to go into an A again for that reason. Edited February 3, 2014 by artdet 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tchrgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 It does help to come here rather than make a fool of myself for someone who wants NC, thanks for the encouragement wasntlooking.... I'm waiting for it to get easier : ( And good point artdet, I do know that if xMOM called me tomorrow and asked me to leave my family for him, I would be very torn as I wonder how I could ever trust him or have a real relationship with him....I admittedly live in a fantasy world about that.... Link to post Share on other sites
Berkley Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 That's where it's so hard - in most cases they go back to their lives and their families and really, their world hasn't changed a whole lot once we're gone. I know mm thinks about me...we spent every day for three years working together, we cared deeply for one another - so, yes, I know he thinks about and hopes I'm OK. But I also know that he doesn't think about me the same way I do him because I had a lot more invested, both emotionally and physically. I lost him, my friend, his family, my job...pretty much everything. He loved me and cared about me as a friend. I loved him beyond that. He still has his family, his friends, his business. His daily routine has not changed at all. Mine was completely shattered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Maintain strict NC. I know, from personal experience, that this might be a bit hard. However it is well worth the effort. If it helps, think about maintaining NC as a personal challenge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 So from a male pov Scott Thomas, do you think he may be feeling the same az me? I miss him terribly but i did not want to hurt his family life and the chances of him having a happy marriage. I do know if the timing was better wed be together. We said that numerous times to each other. His response to my break off was just so vague it hurts. I know it can mean a lot of different things. I truly care for him still but am maintainng NC so i csn assume theres a chance he feels the same. Link to post Share on other sites
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