i want to cry!

[makeithappen]

hello all,

So my father decided to give me a bit more freedom: i can travel alone abroad, spend a few nights away, and attend events in the evening, as long as i come at a reasonable time. The last point means 10pm, but i have no issues with it because i would not want to be out that late anyways.

But, the thing is, because of our terrible recent past, i rented a room at uni, paid the rent and cannot cancel anymore as no replacement can be found. I asked my father to let me go, given tne circumstances -5000 pounds wasted- but neither he, nor my mum will have any of it. They threatened to cut ties with me if i move out, even though i promised to come back in june, when tne contract ends. I am crying at this situation because they are ready to let me waste money to stay with them. Money or family?

[umirano]

How old are you? 5000 pound sounds like a lot of money for a room? Are your parents just crazy mad to say something like this, or is it a credible threat (cutting ties with you)?

[umirano]

I see you already posted on that subject. Your stuff is your stuff in most jurisdictions, regardless of whether it's in your parents house or not. It is unlawful for your parents to not allow you to get your things.

 

By reading the first thread, it looks like your parents are abusive and controlling. Your family prevents you from becoming independent and free. I wouldn't eat it up. Maybe that is the norm in your culture. As you seem very unhappy under the circumstances I suggest moving out and giving yourself (and them) a break.

 

I moved out at the same age, though the differences between my parents and me seem smaller than the ones you're having. My parents slowly came around and things started to get better a year and a half down the road.

 

It is very normal to have bad arguments with parents at your age. Growing up and becoming a person on your own is a tough process for many parents regardless of culture/religion, but there is no way around that. And it is certainly not worth the suffering that you are describing.

 

Just be patient, most parents will come around over time. Show them you're tired of being bossed around, move out, be nice and calm, and most of all, let patience reign. I am sure you will reestablish good ties later on.

 

good luck!

[preraph]

How long until you finish school? Are they paying for it? If you move out on your own and get a job, will the mean no degree? If you don't have long to go and that's the only way, then stick it out and just blow off the $5000, I guess. I assume it's in your name, so you will start off with bad credit, but not sure that's a huge deal at your age.

 

You need to get away from your overly controlling parents as soon as it's practical though! Make lots of friends in school so you have some options later!

[makeithappen]

How old are you? 5000 pound sounds like a lot of money for a room? Are your parents just crazy mad to say something like this, or is it a credible threat (cutting ties with you)?

They really mean it. My father stopped talking to me - again. Each time i threaten to move out, he stops talking to me. Although he agreed to pay himself, we realistically know that he can't afford it in the near future.

[makeithappen]

They really mean it. My father stopped talking to me - again. Each time i threaten to move out, he stops talking to me. Although he agreed to pay himself, we realistically know that he can't afford it in the near future.

why are they being so inflexible?

[makeithappen]

How long until you finish school? Are they paying for it? If you move out on your own and get a job, will the mean no degree? If you don't have long to go and that's the only way, then stick it out and just blow off the $5000, I guess. I assume it's in your name, so you will start off with bad credit, but not sure that's a huge deal at your age.

 

You need to get away from your overly controlling parents as soon as it's practical though! Make lots of friends in school so you have some options later!

i'm in my first year phd and i have funding for 3 years. However, at my uni, people do not tend to graduate within 3 years, but 4. So i will have to survive on my own means within the 4th year.

[preraph]

Wow. I just don't see how you're going to be able to stand 4 more years in your parents' house. It's unnatural. These are the years you're supposed to have fun with friends and meet people, not be locked up like a prisoner. It's hard to work and do full time school at the same time or I'd recommend you do that to save up for that fourth year. How were you going to pay the 5000? Did you pay it up front? How did you have the money? Offcampus rent is by the month. Is it a dorm or what? You need to get out of that contract! Just tell them your dad said no and you have NO income if that is the case.

[pink_sugar]

Yikes! Was the 5000 already paid or no?

 

Your parents are manipulative and controlling, not to mention unreasonable. If they stop speaking to you over something like that, let them. You don't need people like that in your life anyways.

[makeithappen]

Yikes! Was the 5000 already paid or no?

 

Your parents are manipulative and controlling, not to mention unreasonable. If they stop speaking to you over something like that, let them. You don't need people like that in your life anyways.

 

 

 

I paid 2000, I need to pay another 3000, but I tried cancelling it and they won't have any of it.

 

I paid with my studentship.

[makeithappen]

Wow. I just don't see how you're going to be able to stand 4 more years in your parents' house. It's unnatural. These are the years you're supposed to have fun with friends and meet people, not be locked up like a prisoner. It's hard to work and do full time school at the same time or I'd recommend you do that to save up for that fourth year. How were you going to pay the 5000? Did you pay it up front? How did you have the money? Offcampus rent is by the month. Is it a dorm or what? You need to get out of that contract! Just tell them your dad said no and you have NO income if that is the case.

 

I paid nearly half using my own studentship. I pay termly, so I have to pay for the next two terms.

I cannot get out of the contract, and they know I have income, as when I tried to cancel it, they reminded me that my studentship would let me cover the costs of the room! My uni is evil!

[makeithappen]

so when I came back home from work, my sisters and my mum were in the living room. I heard them say 'saturday', 'no, it was at 11pm!'... I think they were talking about how late I came back home because I did come around this time. The thought of them sitting there talking about me (they changed to another subject when they realised I had come home!) makes me so mad! I NEVER sit with my mum to complain about how late my sisters come(actually, they stay at home all the time, so that is not even an issue!). I remember once as well, I came home and my sister switched to a language I did not know when I entered the house, so I guess she was talking about me. My mum always denies it and tells me I am making up stuff, no one is talking about me.

 

I hate how they are trying to benefit from this situation by making themselves look good compared to me. They are extra nice to mum and dad because this issue my parents are having with me i obviously making them upset. We're drawing further and further away.... I know my mum does not want me to live because she is such a sensitive mum. She was SO upset the last time I tried to leave and literally forced me to stay! She prepares dinner for me when I get home, so I really appreciate it. She does not ask me to do any house work, give her any money, etc.... She tries to help me manage my money better, wants to teach me how to cook.....

 

I will deeply miss her. But then, even she told me that if I move out, she won't let me back in, even if I will be in a very difficult situation. She told me 'if you leave, we will erase you from our lives'....

 

But here is the issue: I CANNOT STAND MY SIBLINGS (ALL of them!) We all live at home, except one and I am not on speaking terms with any of them. I hate their aggressive behaviour (two days ago, I was taking too long in the shower, and one sister banged the door VERY hard and yelled 'I SWEAR I WILL BREAK THIS DOOR IF YOU DON'T COME OUT!')

My siblings think highly of themselves because they are good obedient children who listen to my parents. But, they are very aggressive with me, both verbally and physically if I get on their nerves. My mum always intervenes, but she is not always here. I would leave, JUST because of them!

And there's my father: he stopped talking to me because I said I wanted to move out.

 

Finally, ever since our arguments started, I became lazy: I used to love cleaning/taking care of myself/dressing well. I stopped all that. My room is a constant mess. I don't take care of myself like I used to. My room is total chaos, and has been ever since our relations soured.

 

 

I AM SO LOST! I HATE MY LIFE! I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY!

[Tayla]

MakitHappen- You wrote before about this very subject, word for word. Is this a repost ? Folks gave you advice then...doubt if its going to change.

 

I still dont know how to link back to your original post, but I'm sure folks can find it.

 

I feel badly for you yet sense that its more about the drama then it is the solution being asked.

[makeithappen]

MakitHappen- You wrote before about this very subject, word for word. Is this a repost ? Folks gave you advice then...doubt if its going to change.

 

I still dont know how to link back to your original post, but I'm sure folks can find it.

 

I feel badly for you yet sense that its more about the drama then it is the solution being asked.

 

 

 

it is not the same post, but the same issue (well, kind of: now my father is giving me more restrictions but on condition that i give up my desire to move out, and the rent i am paying for the room).

 

I am confused as i am receiving conflicting advice from different people (this forum, my friends, a FB group where I posted anonymously, and another forum).

 

I am so lost. I can't move out this week as I have a major deadline in afew days time; lost my debit card and it will take 4 days to come home, and my stuff is not even sorted out yet.

 

I know i keep repeating myself. I was considering seeing a therapist at my uni until i discovered that they have a waiting list, and by the time i will be seen, it will be a couple of weeks.

 

I have no one to turn to, I have not many friends who will be willing to listen to me. My friends are already fed up with me and my whining.

 

Please don't be exasperated, I am already suffering.

 

It's strange because written like that, it sounds so bad. Yet when I think about things, I tell myself that this is not such a big thing, in the grand scheme of things, and i should just put up with it...

[melell]

This is all a little off..

 

Are there no scholarships available?

 

I am guessing you have a degree with honors or a masters? Just take a break, go get a job, move out, make some money, and get your doctorate when you have enough.

 

I don't get what the problem is, if it is causing you this much misery just go get a job and get your own place. I got a fairly decent job after my masters, more than enough to set me up and save.

 

If it were me I would take a break, save, get some life experience, maybe therapy, and stop dramatizing my issues. You are too old and (and educated) to be letting this be a problem.

[CC12]

I know i keep repeating myself. I was considering seeing a therapist at my uni until i discovered that they have a waiting list, and by the time i will be seen, it will be a couple of weeks.

 

Make an appointment, anyway. You'll still have plenty to talk to them about in two weeks.

 

 

 

You seem to have made the decision to stay at home for now. So just stick with that and see what happens. Consider the money you're spending on the dorm as your backup plan. It's your safe space. You can move there if things get bad at home again.

 

And you have a place to go if you want to just get away for a few hours, or overnight stays, even. Put some of your things there. Decorate. Have friends over. Do schoolwork there. Use your dorm as much as possible. You paid for it, after all. (Do not allow your father to pay for it. The less he's involved in it, the less control he has over it. Make sure this belongs to you alone.)

 

I actually think this is a very good situation for you. You'll live at home with your parents and keep them happy, but you'll get a taste of independence and how it might be to live on your own. I suspect that you'll come to appreciate your independence so much that making the decision to move out will become much easier for you. Or maybe you'll decide that you're okay with living at home. Either way, you'll have a better idea of what you want.

 

It's not ideal that you're spending all that money for a place you won't be living in full-time, but it doesn't have to be a complete waste. Seriously, spend as much time at your dorm as possible.

 

 

 

 

 

(Spoiler alert: You're going to love your independence.)

[makeithappen]

Make an appointment, anyway. You'll still have plenty to talk to them about in two weeks.

 

 

 

You seem to have made the decision to stay at home for now. So just stick with that and see what happens. Consider the money you're spending on the dorm as your backup plan. It's your safe space. You can move there if things get bad at home again.

 

And you have a place to go if you want to just get away for a few hours, or overnight stays, even. Put some of your things there. Decorate. Have friends over. Do schoolwork there. Use your dorm as much as possible. You paid for it, after all. (Do not allow your father to pay for it. The less he's involved in it, the less control he has over it. Make sure this belongs to you alone.)

 

I actually think this is a very good situation for you. You'll live at home with your parents and keep them happy, but you'll get a taste of independence and how it might be to live on your own. I suspect that you'll come to appreciate your independence so much that making the decision to move out will become much easier for you. Or maybe you'll decide that you're okay with living at home. Either way, you'll have a better idea of what you want.

 

It's not ideal that you're spending all that money for a place you won't be living in full-time, but it doesn't have to be a complete waste. Seriously, spend as much time at your dorm as possible.

 

 

 

 

 

(Spoiler alert: You're going to love your independence.)

 

 

 

I am not allowed to even stay there overnight!

 

 

Anyways, my mum today made it pretty clear that I can move out, she won't try to resist it, like last time, but I should bear the consequences of no more being in contact with them. It's crazy: I did say I would come back after the academic year ends, but they won't have any of it! June is 5 months away! Even that they won't accept!

 

 

 

I also noticed that whenever my mum and older sister draw closer, my mum becomes less nice with me, like today! (my sister sometimes stops talking to my mum if she feels the latter has been too soft on me, and is letting me walk all over her! They start talking again when my mum re-initiates the conversation, it never comes from my sister! Meanwhile, when she agrees to rekindle relations with her, she start helping mum in the house!)

 

 

Anyways, now my mum and sister are talking again. I complained to my mum about them talking about me last night, and she was like: "omg, we were only discussing who came home at that time! You just can't bear to see people happy, you want everything to yourself!")

 

WHAT THE HELL?!

[makeithappen]

My family always says those things to me:

- I can't stand them being happy, I have to ruin it

- I am jealous of all my siblings

- I want my parents to myself

- I am selfish

 

Meanwhile, whenever we argue, my mum likes to remind me that it is all my fault! Never theirs. She denies my allegations, even though she was not there to testify the veracity of my claims.

 

 

What to do now?

I said I would leave tomorrow, out of the heat of the moment.

[skydiveaddict]

What to do now?

I said I would leave tomorrow, out of the heat of the moment.

 

Do it. Then join the military. They will pay for your housing, help you finish school plus you will be an officer when you graduate.

 

Tell your parents to shove it.

[turnera]

Hon, you're an adult. It's time to start living up to that. My mom moved away the week I graduated high school, to another city, without warning. I was scared to death! But I took it one step at a time, got my job changed to full time, got an apartment (I wish someone would have told me about student loans back then, I would have just gone to school), paid my bills, ate lots of rice and pasta, and made it through.

 

You can, too. All your problems you keep describing...they are high school problems that you are now old enough to leave behind.

[pink_sugar]

so when I came back home from work, my sisters and my mum were in the living room. I heard them say 'saturday', 'no, it was at 11pm!'... I think they were talking about how late I came back home because I did come around this time. The thought of them sitting there talking about me (they changed to another subject when they realised I had come home!) makes me so mad! I NEVER sit with my mum to complain about how late my sisters come(actually, they stay at home all the time, so that is not even an issue!). I remember once as well, I came home and my sister switched to a language I did not know when I entered the house, so I guess she was talking about me. My mum always denies it and tells me I am making up stuff, no one is talking about me.

 

I hate how they are trying to benefit from this situation by making themselves look good compared to me. They are extra nice to mum and dad because this issue my parents are having with me i obviously making them upset. We're drawing further and further away.... I know my mum does not want me to live because she is such a sensitive mum. She was SO upset the last time I tried to leave and literally forced me to stay! She prepares dinner for me when I get home, so I really appreciate it. She does not ask me to do any house work, give her any money, etc.... She tries to help me manage my money better, wants to teach me how to cook.....

 

I will deeply miss her. But then, even she told me that if I move out, she won't let me back in, even if I will be in a very difficult situation. She told me 'if you leave, we will erase you from our lives'....

 

But here is the issue: I CANNOT STAND MY SIBLINGS (ALL of them!) We all live at home, except one and I am not on speaking terms with any of them. I hate their aggressive behaviour (two days ago, I was taking too long in the shower, and one sister banged the door VERY hard and yelled 'I SWEAR I WILL BREAK THIS DOOR IF YOU DON'T COME OUT!')

My siblings think highly of themselves because they are good obedient children who listen to my parents. But, they are very aggressive with me, both verbally and physically if I get on their nerves. My mum always intervenes, but she is not always here. I would leave, JUST because of them!

And there's my father: he stopped talking to me because I said I wanted to move out.

 

Finally, ever since our arguments started, I became lazy: I used to love cleaning/taking care of myself/dressing well. I stopped all that. My room is a constant mess. I don't take care of myself like I used to. My room is total chaos, and has been ever since our relations soured.

 

 

I AM SO LOST! I HATE MY LIFE! I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY!

 

 

I feel you. Right now I am staying with my dad for ONE WEEK and he's already driving me crazy! He complains I get up too late in the morning (10am), asks me where I'm going all the time and nags every second he can. I'm almost 25, but he makes me feel like I'm 15. :sick: Your family sounds just as toxic. Keep your independence and stay on your own.

[turnera]

Off topic, but unless you're a DJ at a night club, I can't imagine staying in bed until 10am. You're throwing away 2 or 3 hours a day.

[pink_sugar]

Off topic, but unless you're a DJ at a night club, I can't imagine staying in bed until 10am. You're throwing away 2 or 3 hours a day.

 

My husband works evenings and we're often up until at least 1am. You definitely make up those two hours in some way. Some people are just on a different schedule. Unless I have something to do, I see no reason to get up early.

[turnera]

My husband works evenings and we're often up until at least 1am. You definitely make up those two hours in some way. Some people are just on a different schedule. Unless I have something to do, I see no reason to get up early.

Aren't you having severe money problems? Why not get just 6 hours sleep for awhile and go around and do dog walking or plant sitting or car washing or something, in the mornings, to bring in some more money?

[ASG]

Aren't you having severe money problems? Why not get just 6 hours sleep for awhile and go around and do dog walking or plant sitting or car washing or something, in the mornings, to bring in some more money?

 

Because some people do not function on 6 hours of sleep? And because waking up early doesn't necessarily mean you get the odd jobs you're talking about?

 

I'm sorry, I know you are probably trying to help (and your "help" is not even directed at me!), but you're coming off extremely judgemental or someone else's sleeping habits when it's really none of your business!