My MW is finally leaving her H, but I need assistance

[Namaste88]

So I guess a brief history of my A is necessary, although I'm sure it mirrors many of the ones on here. We met at work, and had a very intense EA & PA for 10 months. There ended up being a D-day, and shortly after that, MW decided to go back and try and fix her marriage. She has 2 kids, been together with her H for 14 years. I ended up moving on from the company we worked at, so there was no longer any contact. So after a year of attempting to salvage a failed marriage, she reached out to me again (7 months ago). Pretty quickly we rekindled what we had...the I love yous started again, and the physical also returned.

 

So she has signed a lease on a new apartment, filed for divorce, and is moving in there this weekend. Sounds like every OM's dream come true...right? Well, not exactly. About a couple months ago, I noticed that she started becoming distant. Although we talk every day, the intensity of our conversations has diminished...they're more mundane, stuff you would talk about with a friend. She even told me that she needed to friendzone me while she went through this. She'll really only ever talk about her feeling and say I love you when she's been drinking, and although we have been physical in the last month, the regularity of it has fallen off dramatically.

 

So here's my problem. I know that she shouldn't be going through a divorce to be with me. I know if that is the reason she does it, we're doomed. So it seems to me that she is doing it for the right reasons. She's doing it for herself, independent of me. But if feels like we're on different pages now. I still want to have a real committed relationship with her. At the same time I understand that she is just getting herself out of 14 year committed relationship. I realize and do understand that anyone going through such would be incapable of contemplating getting into a new committed relationship straight away. She needs to find herself, and start a new life. I guess I'm just worried that when she does, I won't be a part of it. We don't really talk about the future of us much anymore because I know it's something she can't process right now, and I don't want to add to the litany of things she's worried about.

 

So I guess I'm wondering if any other OM/OW have had their MW/MM leave their spouse, and what the relationship looked like. When we do talk, we both agree that we'll end up together...I guess i just need to have faith, and patience...two things I've never been good at. yet at the same time, I feel like I'm putting my life on hold, and that's not fair to either one of us. What should I be realistically expecting out of our relationship in the ensuing months? Casual friendship? Do I need to distance myself from her, not only for myself, but for to her to see if she wants me in her life? I really have no clue on how to proceed. All those nights when I dreamed about her leaving her H, I guess I naiively and wrongly assumed that we would be together the day after. I realize the absurdity of that now, but still doesn't help me figure out what capacity is expected of me.

 

Thanks for reading...I know this might have been rambling...was just putting down these thoughts as they came. If anything is unclear or you'd like to ask me any questions, feel free...I'll do my best to explain anything that might have been confusing.

 

Hope all are well. Happy Saturday

[RickFox]

I'm no expert but by your description it seems like the fantasy is over for her and she's going through the motions with you. I think the best thing for you it's too walk away for now. She ended 14 years with her ex, it would appear you may just be a rebound while she finds herself

[No Limit]

Things will never be the same between you two like it was during the affair.

Not to mention the responsibility with the kids; unless they're already in college I wonder how they will think of their new father (assuming she will take them with her).

I also wonder what kind of problems she might have had in her marriage, knowing that an affair causes many as well. Wouldn't surprise me if she someday tried to go back to her STBXH.

 

Good luck. And even more luck to her husband, hope he's not too heartbroken...

[BetrayedH]

My gut says that you were the vehicle for her to get divorced, not for her to get married.

[txgrl]

This is exactly why I reconciled with my H soon after I started divorce. No matter how common it is and how many people around us have done it, when you go through an experience like divorce, nothing and I mean nothing prepares you for it . ESP when its in the 'setting ' of an A . Ure still in the picture . Keave her alone till the divorce is final . Let her kno Ure not abandoning her but she needs to sort this out herself . Good luck!

[txgrl]

Dude, I read it again .. Errr don't know how to say this but don't be surprised if she reconciles with H OR decides she'd rather start fresh with someone else .

 

The secrecy of an A is a huge turn on . That's gone ! She may feel completely diff abt u .

You'll make the best decision for yourself but it's the duty of those who've been there don that to warn u.

Don't put yr life on hold for too long .. Best

[kalimata]

How old are her kids?

 

If MW kids are still young, it will be more difficult for her to leave. But if they are grown then its much easier for her to leave.

 

Do you have kids? How are you planning on introducing ur kids to hers?

[Popsicle]

First, congratulations for getting her after going NC.

Second, she didn't leave her husband for you. It doesn't sound like she did.

Third, divorce is hard. She's going through a lot and is likely on an emotional rollercoaster and probably doesn't want to put you through changes on account of that, so she distances herself.

Fourth, there's never any guarantee that things will work out between you two. you can only hope for the best.

[Namaste88]

So I do not have any kids. Her kids are 10 & 12. I understand the points people have made about the excitement involved with being in an A...and now that the secrecy is over, it becomes a more traditional relationship. And perhaps that means the spark is gone. I understand the intensity of emotions and feelings that burn during an A can never really be duplicated in a conventional relationship. Nor do I expect them to be.

 

I can see the merits of what people have said about this A being a vehicle for divorce, and her just going through the motions now. I took a week off recently from contacting her, just to see how my feelings were without talking to her. I did miss the communication. When I talked to her after the short break, I asked her point blank if she thought it was best that we don't talk, and if she liked it better that way. She vehemently disagreed. At the same time though she said that right now she just needs a support structure of people in her life that she can trust and be there for her while she goes through this tumultuous time.

 

So I guess I need to accept that someone in her circumstance is basically fighting for her own survival, and in the process of trying to save herself, she can't really be anything to anyone else...not in a committed bf/gf way. I have to honor that feeling. Yet at the same time I have to look out for my own feelings. The last thing she needs is pressure from me expecting her to act a certain way or conform to what I believe she should be. Yet I don't know if I have the ability to just be her friend during this time. I still have too many strong feelings. Although I do feel like I'd be betraying her and turning my back on her if I went NC. Ahhh...this is ridiculous.

[RickFox]

Friend zoned. That's not good. You don't have to be just a friend to lend support, her partner in love and life could do the same. Her choice of words is curious

[kalimata]

After thinking about this a bit more, looks like your MW's fog is starting to lift. While she was having the A with you, she was head over heels in love with you. The secrecy and allure of an affair is too enticing for sure. Once the A was over, and things are now in the open, your MW now sees things in a different perspective.

 

Instead of being the magical knight in shining armor that she thought you were, you have turned out to be an ordinary guy, not unlike her ex-H. You have faults, just like any man, and she is only starting to see them now, for during the A, she was blinded.

 

Most A that end do not result in a new marriage between the affair partners. If she really wanted you then she would have been on your doorstep the day the D papers were signed.

 

You don't have any kids so its difficult for you to imagine how much love a parent has for their own children. She knows that you will never see her kids in the same way. Her kids will resent you and hate you, and more so hate her for breaking up the marriage.

 

You have no good options besides just to leave her and move on with your life. Find someone else who is single. Don't get involved in another affair. Its simply not worth it to break up families like this. I hope you learned your lesson.

[cocorico]

So I do not have any kids. Her kids are 10 & 12. I understand the points people have made about the excitement involved with being in an A...and now that the secrecy is over, it becomes a more traditional relationship. And perhaps that means the spark is gone. I understand the intensity of emotions and feelings that burn during an A can never really be duplicated in a conventional relationship. Nor do I expect them to be.

 

I can see the merits of what people have said about this A being a vehicle for divorce, and her just going through the motions now. I took a week off recently from contacting her, just to see how my feelings were without talking to her. I did miss the communication. When I talked to her after the short break, I asked her point blank if she thought it was best that we don't talk, and if she liked it better that way. She vehemently disagreed. At the same time though she said that right now she just needs a support structure of people in her life that she can trust and be there for her while she goes through this tumultuous time.

 

So I guess I need to accept that someone in her circumstance is basically fighting for her own survival, and in the process of trying to save herself, she can't really be anything to anyone else...not in a committed bf/gf way. I have to honor that feeling. Yet at the same time I have to look out for my own feelings. The last thing she needs is pressure from me expecting her to act a certain way or conform to what I believe she should be. Yet I don't know if I have the ability to just be her friend during this time. I still have too many strong feelings. Although I do feel like I'd be betraying her and turning my back on her if I went NC. Ahhh...this is ridiculous.

 

OK, I am not OM. I was OW, and am now M to my fMM. So, reverse the genders, and perhaps something may resonate.

 

When my H left his xW the kids were teens, so a little older than your MW's kids, and they chose to live with him. All the advice was to back off, go NC, leave him to finalise his D "without you to complicate matters" and of course the inevitable "it was an exit A and he was just using you to get out of his M". The usual.... However, I have had many friends go through D before. I know that, for most people, that is when you most need your friends. He was supposed to be my best friend - how could I turn my back on my best friend when he most needed me? That seemed insane, cruel and inauthentic to me, so I ignored that advice and we continued the R as before. It's something he always tells me he is really glad of - that I stuck by him through that, that he could tell I really was on his side, and not just some day tripper wanting to have a good time with him. It mattered to him. And it mattered to me, too.

 

I did not move in with him immediately - for my own reasons, not his. I was living elsewhere and had things I needed to tie up before I could move. As it happened, it was probably a good thing he and the kids had a few months to themselves to "normalise" a R without the S2BX in the way. When I arrived, it was only a small transition instead of a far bigger one for them, and that worked well.

 

Your MW has said she would prefer not to have NC during her D - why do you not believe her, and why do you not consider what she wants important? Why is it more important to you what a bunch of random people - most of whom have not been in your shoes, and many of whom have ideological issues with your R - think, rather than what your partner wants? Who matters more to you - her, or them? If she's telling you what she wants from you - and from what you post, it sounds like she is - and it's in line with what you are happy to provide, why would you worry what a bunch of,strangers think? Listen to your bleed, listen to your heart, listen to your gut and listen to your intellect. Do what feels best for *your own situation*. It's your R - how do you want it to work out?

[Got it]

My situation was very similar to Cocorico. We were still partners during the separation. We discussed how much he would tell me, I would tell him when I needed more space, and he would tell me what he needed. We both were in IC and CC during the S/D to help each party get through things.

 

While I was divorced, my divorce was very amicable so I did not deal with the same issues that he did. I could appreciate but not fully understand and that is what the therapist was for.

 

I respected his space but our relationship didn't end because he was divorcing so we had to navigate it the same way as we did prior. Like Cocorico said, he was/is my best friend, why would I drop him now?

 

This time period did show me the best and the worst of him and I had a far more naked view of him than I would in other situations. It is not an easy time but we stuck it out, tackling each day the best we could, trying to find middle ground with each other.

 

I listen to him vent, I would give general advice but I did stay out of his divorce. I advised him as I would a friend but I did not get in the middle of it and would just tell him to ask his lawyer for her advice. That was his to figure out and how they hammered out the kid and financial piece was between them.

 

We are married now and happy that period is a long way off in the rearview mirror. I wish you lots of luck. Keep focusing on your wellbeing, keep communicating and don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. You need the answers. ((((()))))))))

[ThorntonMelon]

I guess I'm just worried that when she does, I won't be a part of it.

 

As someone who has gone through something somewhat similar, (not so much the OM dynamic but the dating someone going through a divorce) I would suggest that you try your best to re-wire your thinking in this regard.

 

I am not really a believer in "if you love something let it go" because to me in life you win by fighting for what it is you want. And in life you win by letting the people you care about know that you care about them.

 

However, it is my belief that you cannot be a martyr for her - she isn't going to respect you more by being a puppy dog for her whims. If she wants to be your girlfriend you should hold her to the same standard you'd hold any girlfriend to. She doesn't need you to make excuses for her. If she loves you and you love her you will communicate as is necessary to make it work. If she can't or won't do so, you're not doing anyone a favor by making excuses for her and settling for less than you deserve.

 

Said another way - this is all about communication and respect. If you feel both are in place, then you should probably fight for the relationship. If she takes you and it for granted , then you find someone who won't and she can fight for you when and/or if the time comes she wants to.

[Confusion_Reigns]

I am exactly where your MW is at now…well, almost exactly. I haven’t moved out and my H won’t move out. We’re kinda at a standstill. I’m not the best person for good company right now. My everything is just in a constant state of “WTF” at the moment. My friend is gone, far away at the moment. Thousands of miles away. He’s got his own life that he’s got to live and I have mine. I am actually glad that he’s so far away right now so that I can’t literally go running to him when things get so hard here. Really, the only thing he can do for me is be a *real* friend to me. As in, I can’t handing anyone else needing anything from me right now and I can’t stand the thought of depending on him to pull me thru this. It’s not right. I know he wants to be there for me, and yet he also knows and understands that I have to do this alone. And it has to be for me, not him.

 

Who knows what the future holds? It’s all unwritten…and the thoughts of what will be is what will make that come into being. I know for a fact that this man is my friend, first and foremost…not my lover, not my significant other, not my fiancé…there are no ties between us except this friendship. We are in each other’s lives because we want to be not because we need to be. For me this is huge. I don’t know if we’ll end up together in a committed relationship…he doesn’t know that either…I do know that I want him to be in my life forever and he said that he would be in my life forever. Right now that’s perfect.

[ThorntonMelon]

Who knows what the future holds? It’s all unwritten…and the thoughts of what will be is what will make that come into being. I know for a fact that this man is my friend, first and foremost…not my lover, not my significant other, not my fiancé…there are no ties between us except this friendship. We are in each other’s lives because we want to be not because we need to be. For me this is huge. I don’t know if we’ll end up together in a committed relationship…he doesn’t know that either…I do know that I want him to be in my life forever and he said that he would be in my life forever. Right now that’s perfect.

 

And if he meets someone who will be there for him, you'll lose him and he won't be in your life forever, and as long as you can live with that, you're right, it's perfect. Sounds like you guys are handling this as best as life allows.

[Confusion_Reigns]

Maybe. If he meets someone he'll be with her. He'll introduce me as a friend and we'll proceed as friends. I'll hope to like her...because I care about him and want him to be happy. Our time will not be spent together as it is now. Maybe he'll not want to talk to me as much...yea, probably he won't...and that's a bridge I will cross if I need to. I'm sure he'll still be my friend, a real friend, who I could have coffee and a chat with from time to time...I just could not see him getting involved with a possessive type of woman who would *tell* him who he could see...but who knows right?

[Namaste88]

I am exactly where your MW is at now…well, almost exactly. I haven’t moved out and my H won’t move out. We’re kinda at a standstill. I’m not the best person for good company right now. My everything is just in a constant state of “WTF” at the moment. My friend is gone, far away at the moment. Thousands of miles away. He’s got his own life that he’s got to live and I have mine. I am actually glad that he’s so far away right now so that I can’t literally go running to him when things get so hard here. Really, the only thing he can do for me is be a *real* friend to me. As in, I can’t handing anyone else needing anything from me right now and I can’t stand the thought of depending on him to pull me thru this. It’s not right. I know he wants to be there for me, and yet he also knows and understands that I have to do this alone. And it has to be for me, not him.

 

 

This post really seems to mirror what I feel is going on with my MW. Everything is crashing down around here...she can't see the forest for the trees. Her relationship with her stbx has been tumultuous to put it mildly. And anyone stepping away from a shared life of 10+ years, with three children...well I honestly can't imagine what that would be like. It would be easy for me to say that I'd want the person whom I love to be close to my at that time. But if I'm dealing with all sorts of chaos and crazy emotions, there's probably not much left there to give to someone else.

[Confusion_Reigns]

I wouldn't presume to speak for her. But I can tell you my own perspective.

 

I don't want my friend to abandon me. That would hurt me a lot. I let him get close to me because...well, I can't define in words why...bottom line because I wanted to....I wanted to know him better. At the same time I don’t want him to cling to me either. I don’t want to drag him down with my burdens…and I don’t want the divorce or the dynamic of my marriage to be the focus of our friendship. Honestly, I’m just not sure what it is that I want from him now so I fall back on friendship. Just real honest friendship.

 

I think I’m a bit fearful that if I talk to him too much about this…if I lean on him too much when my H’s an ass….then our time together is not about *us* but about *that* if that makes any sense. So…even when I say ‘real honest friendship’ I sorta get stuck in my head a bit…because we’re not just friends but we’re not more than friends…lol…oh, the crazy making that takes place…lables, pfft…whatever…it is what it is until it’s not anymore.

[Namaste88]

I wouldn't presume to speak for her. But I can tell you my own perspective.

 

I don't want my friend to abandon me. That would hurt me a lot. I let him get close to me because...well, I can't define in words why...bottom line because I wanted to....I wanted to know him better. At the same time I don’t want him to cling to me either. I don’t want to drag him down with my burdens…and I don’t want the divorce or the dynamic of my marriage to be the focus of our friendship. Honestly, I’m just not sure what it is that I want from him now so I fall back on friendship. Just real honest friendship.

 

I think I’m a bit fearful that if I talk to him too much about this…if I lean on him too much when my H’s an ass….then our time together is not about *us* but about *that* if that makes any sense. So…even when I say ‘real honest friendship’ I sorta get stuck in my head a bit…because we’re not just friends but we’re not more than friends…lol…oh, the crazy making that takes place…lables, pfft…whatever…it is what it is until it’s not anymore.

 

Let me ask you a question, based on this and your previous replies. I'm curious to how you compartmentalize your feelings for your OM. Obviously you love him very much, and I'm sure at one point the two of you talked about being together. How do you dial all that back and just keep him as a close friend? Aren't there too many emotions there to be just friends? Or is it something that you really have no control over? That you're going through so much that there's not much emotions left in the tank to share with the OM anymore? Just curious...

[Confusion_Reigns]

Let me ask you a question, based on this and your previous replies. I'm curious to how you compartmentalize your feelings for your OM. Obviously you love him very much, and I'm sure at one point the two of you talked about being together. How do you dial all that back and just keep him as a close friend? Aren't there too many emotions there to be just friends? Or is it something that you really have no control over? That you're going through so much that there's not much emotions left in the tank to share with the OM anymore? Just curious...

 

Well…we’ve never talked about being together. I won’t do that with him at this point. Maybe never. I can’t talk like that with him because…neither one of us knows what the future holds. See, one of our discussions has been me feeling like a huge jerk to him…because of my own constraints. Because I am married have kids and all that…well, I hate to be a jerk to him. We decided that we’re not going to do the future-faking thing with each other. He knows my time line, and he knows that I’m pushing that up…yea, probably for him…but he’s said to me that I can’t divorce *for him* and I know he’s right….he is actually recently divorced and is still dealing with the fallout…he is simply not ready for a relationship with me….and has told me as much…I respect him for his honesty and truly understand where he’s at and why. I doubt that I’d be any kind of good relationship material anytime soon anyway.

 

I’ve never really been good at compartmentalizing things, I’m a whole person….I’m not good at cutting myself up into pieces…so, I take it day by day. Today’s a good day, yesterday was a great day…tomorrow? I just don’t know. My H knows I’m not ‘right’ at the moment. He’s been questioning me for a year now. Him and I have a long history….not always pretty….one thing I am truly fearful of is my H finding out that I’m talking to him. My H can be mean, really mean…and I don’t want my friend getting hurt…he says that I shouldn’t keep secrets, that I shouldn’t have to sneak around…that if my H finds out then we just have to come out with it

 

Yes, I do love him. I haven’t said that to him and will not until/unless I can say it freely and openly with the whole world as witness. I guess this here comes back to how one defines love and how one defines friendship. IMO, love is wanting the best for the other person, enjoying their company, being open/honest with them and with yourself…and I’m sure there’s more….and I can and do love all of my friends…so, there you have it. I love him as my friend. I go into this with no expectations for the future and will let be what will be.

 

You know...it almost feels like on in a plane on a hold, waiting for take off...right now...there really isn't much I can do except wait, keep the engine ready, make sure the runways clear...I can do this part by myself, I have to. I'm not going to drag my friend into that dang plane with me to wait-wait-wait. It's just not right for me to want that from him. He's got his LIFE to live...apart from me...I cannot and will not ask him to put anything of his on hold for me.

 

I hope that helps you somehow. Like I said I can't speak for your MW this is only my own thoughts based on my situation and the people therein.

[xAkulax]

Sorry but Over 75% who marry partners they were in an affair with eventually divorce. (of course, this isn't much higher than the divorce rate for any second marriage 80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision.For every 100 people who have an affair, anywhere from 1-10 of them will marry their Affair Partner. Of those, statistics say that 75% will divorce within 5 years. So that means, MAYBE 1-3 out of 100 live “happily ever after” with their affair partner after leaving their spouse.

 

 

 

sorry but it does not look good

[xAkulax]

Most affairs are discovered or collapse under the weight of frustration, guilt and unrealized expectations on their own accord within a few months. For most Other Men and Other Women, the affair ends up in pain and frustration. Few married cheaters will end up marrying their Affair Partner, and the tenuous nature of any second marriage, let alone those that were started in a web of lies and deceit, means that few survive for very long.

 

The realization that one or both partners has a talent for, and history of, deceiving their primary partner and believes that affairs are apparently an appropriate response to a poor relationship. Trust becomes a huge issue and a weight that hangs over the relationship that is no longer an affair.

[flowingmane]

Sorry but Over 75% who marry partners they were in an affair with eventually divorce. (of course, this isn't much higher than the divorce rate for any second marriage 80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision.For every 100 people who have an affair, anywhere from 1-10 of them will marry their Affair Partner. Of those, statistics say that 75% will divorce within 5 years. So that means, MAYBE 1-3 out of 100 live “happily ever after” with their affair partner after leaving their spouse.

 

 

 

sorry but it does not look good

 

 

 

Bitter much? Stats only reflect which people were selected to be counted, and zero of the human story behind them.

[xAkulax]

Bitter much? Stats only reflect which people were selected to be counted, and zero of the human story behind them.

 

 

 

Not really just the facts......Sorry