My MW is finally leaving her H, but I need assistance

[Got it]

Not really just the facts......Sorry

 

Care to cite the stats?

[Confusion_Reigns]

I don't believe that human nature, the human experience, or the future can be quantified by statistics. There's lots and lots of info out there to point to...to skewed one way or the other...to prove this point or that point...in all reality all that info is only as good as the way the info is gathered and the honesty of the participants.

 

I don't know the future. I couldn't possible know anymore than anyone else could know. Chances are slim...but, hay, I'm an optimist at heart so I'll believe that in the end everything will be ok...for all of us.

[No Limit]

Her kids will resent you and hate you, and more so hate her for breaking up the marriage.

 

You have no good options besides just to leave her and move on with your life. Find someone else who is single. Don't get involved in another affair. Its simply not worth it to break up families like this. I hope you learned your lesson.

 

Maybe he's lucky and they will want to stay with their father. That would be better for the husband as well, I remember how in another forum a young father was going mad and raging about his baby son growing up with another man as father-replacement. He never said anything like it but from the sound of his posts he would have probably attacked the guy if he'd be living anywhere near him.

 

And about trying to find love with affair partners; agreed, it mostly goes wrong. But unless he seduced her it would have been just another guy who would have destroyed this marriage. With about 3.5 billion men she has quite a number to choose from.

[GatsbyMH]

So I guess a brief history of my A is necessary, although I'm sure it mirrors many of the ones on here. We met at work, and had a very intense EA & PA for 10 months. There ended up being a D-day, and shortly after that, MW decided to go back and try and fix her marriage. She has 2 kids, been together with her H for 14 years. I ended up moving on from the company we worked at, so there was no longer any contact. So after a year of attempting to salvage a failed marriage, she reached out to me again (7 months ago). Pretty quickly we rekindled what we had...the I love yous started again, and the physical also returned.

 

So she has signed a lease on a new apartment, filed for divorce, and is moving in there this weekend. Sounds like every OM's dream come true...right? Well, not exactly. About a couple months ago, I noticed that she started becoming distant. Although we talk every day, the intensity of our conversations has diminished...they're more mundane, stuff you would talk about with a friend. She even told me that she needed to friendzone me while she went through this. She'll really only ever talk about her feeling and say I love you when she's been drinking, and although we have been physical in the last month, the regularity of it has fallen off dramatically.

 

So here's my problem. I know that she shouldn't be going through a divorce to be with me. I know if that is the reason she does it, we're doomed. So it seems to me that she is doing it for the right reasons. She's doing it for herself, independent of me. But if feels like we're on different pages now. I still want to have a real committed relationship with her. At the same time I understand that she is just getting herself out of 14 year committed relationship. I realize and do understand that anyone going through such would be incapable of contemplating getting into a new committed relationship straight away. She needs to find herself, and start a new life. I guess I'm just worried that when she does, I won't be a part of it. We don't really talk about the future of us much anymore because I know it's something she can't process right now, and I don't want to add to the litany of things she's worried about.

 

So I guess I'm wondering if any other OM/OW have had their MW/MM leave their spouse, and what the relationship looked like. When we do talk, we both agree that we'll end up together...I guess i just need to have faith, and patience...two things I've never been good at. yet at the same time, I feel like I'm putting my life on hold, and that's not fair to either one of us. What should I be realistically expecting out of our relationship in the ensuing months? Casual friendship? Do I need to distance myself from her, not only for myself, but for to her to see if she wants me in her life? I really have no clue on how to proceed. All those nights when I dreamed about her leaving her H, I guess I naiively and wrongly assumed that we would be together the day after. I realize the absurdity of that now, but still doesn't help me figure out what capacity is expected of me.

 

Thanks for reading...I know this might have been rambling...was just putting down these thoughts as they came. If anything is unclear or you'd like to ask me any questions, feel free...I'll do my best to explain anything that might have been confusing.

 

Hope all are well. Happy Saturday

 

Be the rock in her life while the rest of the world crashes down. Put your feelings and needs on the back burner for now. If she needs distance let her have it. If she needs you, she will show you. Just be there for her. What she's going through right now is very traumatic. While she may be ending the A of her own accord you will still be in her mind as a bit of guilt that she has. Let things settle and just be the strong shoulder and ear she needs when she needs it.

 

This is her journey and if you pressure her with your needs it might cause bitterness or resentment. My situation is just a few steps behind yours. My MOW's marriage is in the final stages of crumbling and she is trying to prove it's because of their marriage and not because of me (he knows about me.. just not all the details).

 

Be patient and put her needs first. Be strong for her. Don't talk of the future for now. Just be there when she needs you and after the storm passes she will see the rock that was there for her the whole time and if she still feels what she felt before then you will be able to move forward in a stronger relationship.