Wishing Well - ideal state of love life according to men

[MrNate 2.0]

MrNate 2.0,

 

Please describe the experience of 'getting stale' as it feels to you internally. Is it due to your tastes changing, and she no longer conforms to those tastes? If she were to change her behavior and look (to the extent that it still maintains her genetic identity) according to your tastes (in this hypothetical, naturally and spontaneously), would she stand a chance of keeping your interest, or would you still desire another - genetically different - woman instead?

 

[Feel free to disregard the direction in which I am leading the question, and answer just the first prompt freely as you would without any further sub-questions, if you'd rather.]

 

Yeah. Well I basically meant stale as in the former of repetition. Most things are exciting at the beginning until you get really familiar with it and it begins to lose a bit of its luster.

 

So I guess it's a mix of a taste for variety and avoiding too much boredom. I mean she could change her behavior but if she does that after being a certain way for so long, I'll think something is up. So I don't think that would really help.

 

So unless she managed to somehow magically push my buttons (and the odds wouldn't be good) the cycling out would probably happen anyway.

[Woggle]

What I have now. A woman who I have great sexual chemistry with but is also as loyal and caring as my best friends I have had since years back. In my eyes I am living the dream. Marriage is easy when you find somebody like her.

[Got it]

Heterosexual men,

 

Please use this thread to describe what it is that you would consider to be the ideal state of your love life, and in that context to explain what dating means to you as well as what do you look for when you are 'looking to meet someone?'

 

Would you ideally have a harem of women? Would there be classes and hierarchy within this harem? What privileges and duties would different women from this harem enjoy/have? Who would not qualify for a harem?

 

Absent the harem, would you 'settle' for serial monogamy? Would there nonetheless be the 'sine qua non' women that you would always want in some (and to what extent, decrivez s'il vous plait) way?

 

On the notion of dating - it is the journey and never the destination that matters, correct? You wouldn't say you're wading through the dating pool so that you can eventually meet 'the one', right? Or are the women you pick up in the dating process collateral for the 'ultimate reward' of 'the one'? I sense a sense of inconvenient societal imposition when it comes to your preferences.

 

But I would rather learn your thoughts.

 

I plan to print the gathered information and show it to my daughter and all her heterosexual female friends and everyone I can reach with this information so that they can have a realistic insight into spontaneous thoughts of the gender they are pursuing with their own ostensibly conflicting agenda.

 

Let's make the two genders closer to understanding one another and making sincere choices when it comes to letting someone into our lives.

 

Read this to my husband and we agreed, bar none, that will all of these questions the OP has to be a woman!

 

His response. An eye roll and a muttered "oh boy".

[Shepp]

Question confused me more than a little! harem, decrivez s'il vous plait?

 

If your asking what I think - I have no desire for hundreds of women. I have no desire to be one of these folks who has like 3 wives.

 

My ideal is my one perfect girl and to spend my life with her, the good, the bad, all of it! Someone to raise a family with.

Someone who gets me, who knows where i've come from, where i'm heading and what I've pulled myself over to get there.

 

I know that sounds naïve in a sense - but I wouldn't ask for life to be perfect all the time just to be with someone who I love being with even when we get dealt a ---- hand.

[Weezy1973]

Thank you Weezy1973 for contributing to this thread. In the dating process then, is it correct to assume that you would be scouting the pool for 'the one' (if you allow for the time being) with whom your quirks and secrets would be best received and understood? If no, please correct the assumption to what it should be. If yes, please explain the traits, physical image (if relevant) and behavior in a woman that delivers the best promise to keep your secrets and quirks in a good place?

 

I am scouting the dating pool for "the one" that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I can share my secrets and quirks with is just one of the things I value. My top five things I'm looking for in a partner are honesty, openness, trustworthiness (and trusting), a good communicator, and someone that is able, and sees the values in compromise. Someone with these traits I believe would deliver the best promise to keep my secrets and quirks in a good place.

 

Physical image is only relevant in the sense that we should both be attracted to each other, and the percentage that looks play into that will vary from person to person depending on other personality traits and compatibilities.

 

 

 

Also, if you don't mind sharing, do you feel that you can successfully identify the qualities that you seek in a woman that you seek, or have you in your past experience of choosing a partner made mistakes you regretted?

 

I believe the qualities I seek are "deeper" qualities and therefore would take more time to find. I listed openness as one of my top qualities, but I wouldn't expect someone to be completely open on the first few dates. It takes time to build trust and to see if someone is honest.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say I've made mistakes, but there were a couple of things that I believe greatly hindered my chance of finding a life partner:

 

1. Ambiguity. Although I've always been extremely monogamous, I did not have a "rest of my life" mentality until quite recently. I would just kind of "go with the flow." This attitude is detrimental in most important aspects of life. For example, people that are successful career-wise, know what they want to do and then work really hard to achieve it. In terms of relationships, although monogamous, I didn't know what I wanted so had nothing to work towards.

 

2. Reactionary. I tended to react to the end of one relationship by "rebounding" into the opposite type of relationship. And then would "rebound" from consecutive relationships to serial monogamous dating, and then "rebound" into a serious relationship again. Instead of actively and purposefully moving towards something, I was reacting to what had happened previously. In other words, I was choosing for the wrong reasons.

 

 

As for "the one", in my parlance too, it wasn't assumed to be a single person existing on the planet at roughly the same time span that you exist in, but the one that ultimately gets the role of being your lifetime partner. I myself do not believe the count of ideal partners entails 'one' as a bound in either direction. It is conceivable that there are no people presently alive that satisfy the ideal, nor that there is any less than five million of them.

 

Indeed. About three years ago I took a break from dating/relationships altogether and in that time did a lot of self-reflection, vowing not to get back into dating until I understood my own values and knew what I was looking for. That process finally ended about four months ago, and I am now dating again with a new perspective and goal - and let me tell you, it is so much easier now. Once you know what you're looking for, things tend to fall into place...

[Anela]

Elswyth,

 

My daughter is seven. She is currently not dating to the best of - in my esteem - pretty thorough knowledge of my daughter. I should like to have some sort of testament given by anonymous participants about what they wish for, and how do they deal with settlements that the constraints of the real world impose. Hopefully this discussion develops to cover the latter topic, but for now, I'm happy to receive dream notes from guys who are kind to spare a few lines in answering my questions.

 

You think that telling a seven-year-old, that all men of the world would like a harem, is going to prepare her for dating? Is that what you actually want for your daughter? My dad would string a man up by his nether regions, if he wanted me for that sort of thing.

 

*edit. Actually I'm not sure how telling her this at any age, would be good for her.

[JonShmaltz]

Someone fun to laugh at the world with.

[mukkrakker]

Women would find me irresistible.

 

I mean totally irresistible, not more irresistible.

[czanclus]

Thank you, somedude81, you've been an excellent contribution to this topic. No further questions of you at this time.

[somedude81]

Thank you, somedude81, you've been an excellent contribution to this topic. No further questions of you at this time.

You're welcome

 

It was fun to think of the fantasy scenario and how everything would play out.

[czanclus]

Thank you, carhill. If I understand correctly, by "[world...] turned out to be quite a different place," you mean that you learned through life that other people and particularly younger generations put less effort and value into permanent monogamous relationships?

 

If so, do you feel that if you had been surrounded by different people in different relationships (with for instance less commitment to one partner), or if you had been born born 20-25 years later than your stated age (54), you would've nonetheless preferred and sought a monogamous permanent relationship with that one selected woman?

 

If so, what would you say was the greatest challenge in sticking to the initial commitment, and were the temptations (if any) to break the relationship along the lines of living the rest of your life single/celibate, or with another woman or series/group of women?

 

Share per your discretion of course.

[czanclus]

I mean she could change her behavior but if she does that after being a certain way for so long, I'll think something is up. So I don't think that would really help.

 

MrNate 2.0,

 

Recall that I mentioned 'spontaneous' and 'natural' as attributes to change. Suppose she naturally started behaving as a different person but maintained her genetic identity. If that is too much of a belief suspension, make it known to me. I will pursue this in another direction.

 

So unless she managed to somehow magically push my buttons (and the odds wouldn't be good) the cycling out would probably happen anyway.

 

Regarding the 'cycling out' - how long approximately does a given woman's cycle last, and if there are traits about a woman that affect that length, please describe what they are. Further, would you say that your friendships get stale and that you would in a similar manner cycle your friends out as they pass their expiration date, or is the nature of those relationships less conducive to getting stale? If the latter is true, why is that the case?

[carhill]

Thank you, carhill. If I understand correctly, by "[world...] turned out to be quite a different place," you mean that you learned through life that other people and particularly younger generations put less effort and value into permanent monogamous relationships?

 

I was addressing my own generation and demographic, as it is the generation and demographic I've been immersed in for 54 years. I really can't speak to younger generations other than for a few anecdotes from friend's children and grandchildren

 

If so, do you feel that if you had been surrounded by different people in different relationships (with for instance less commitment to one partner), or if you had been born born 20-25 years later than your stated age (54), you would've nonetheless preferred and sought a monogamous permanent relationship with that one selected woman?

 

With similar socialization and genetics I would expect the results to be similar. The main variable is demographic and I expect that variable to have marked impact on ultimate results. IOW, the same 'stuff' in a different place (culture/community) can make for a markedly differing experience overall.

 

If so, what would you say was the greatest challenge in sticking to the initial commitment, and were the temptations (if any) to break the relationship along the lines of living the rest of your life single/celibate, or with another woman or series/group of women?

 

IMO, beyond being uncompromising on elemental aspects of relationship dynamics, seeking a demographic which most accurately reflects one's relationship style, comportment and boundaries. Choosing a community which reflects one's philosophies of life and relationships, including those of an intimate nature.

 

As things are now, absent that (a synergistic demographic) or until such factors can be addressed, I have a firm commitment to being single/celibate and have been so ever since my eW and I split up about five years ago. I don't see that changing.

 

If I had one piece of advice to give a young person it would be to experience the world as much as possible and feel no qualms about choosing a demographic, even if far-flung, which overwhelmingly feels 'right' and invest in that, rather than looking for exceptions in one's historical demographic and/or molding oneself to 'fit in'. IMO, a poor use of valuable life.

 

Share per your discretion of course.

 

Tried to keep it topical and current. Past postings may have more historical detail.

[czanclus]

You think that telling a seven-year-old, that all men of the world would like a harem, is going to prepare her for dating?

 

Anela,

 

Thank you for you opinion. I will give it some thought. As it stands though, yes, I think that telling a young woman who TODAY happens to be seven at the time, to reiterate yet once more, she is NO LONGER seven will certainly make her arrive at more appropriate choices in terms of what to expect from relationships with men as well as understand what makes men really truly happy - provided, obviously, that she grows up naturally into a heterosexual young woman. As this thread is already showing, there is already a great variety in preferences. I am still in the process of extracting the reasons behind and the extents of those preferences, but in some time, I anticipate having a good sample of testaments to provide for a good discussion of 'what if this was the man you were (initially) interested in' scenarios and decision paths at some point in the future. From my personal history of dating, I estimate that point to come sometime in her late teens, and for the discussion to be a continual process throughout her 20s.

 

Is that what you actually want for your daughter?

 

*edit. Actually I'm not sure how telling her this at any age, would be good for her.

 

Good grief, no... whatever made you arrive at such a baffling conclusion... I want my daughter and young women of her generation to understand the opposite gender for who they are and what they truly want, and not use some supposed cultural norm of committed monogamous pretenses if that is not what either person truly wants. Evidently, there are men that still prefer permanent monogamous relationships to transient or polygamous ones, and I am sure that there will be men who are now boys who will prefer the former a decade + from now. But I want my daughter and other young women to be acutely aware of both. This is how they will be better prepared to react and understand their role in a world of men that are not all aligned with a typical romance novel procession of events.

[Anela]

Not all men are that way, though. That's what confuses me. I know men who are extremely happy with their wives.

[czanclus]

Not all men are that way, though. That's what confuses me. I know men who are extremely happy with their wives.

 

If those men can point and click their way to this forum and feel so inclined to share their version of ideal love life, I would be glad to hear from them.

[czanclus]

What I have now. A woman who I have great sexual chemistry with but is also as loyal and caring as my best friends I have had since years back. In my eyes I am living the dream. Marriage is easy when you find somebody like her.

 

Thank you, Woggle. How did you meet your woman? Were you looking to meet someone to start a relationship with, or did you meet her in a different setting and realize over time that you have more than friendly feelings towards her? If she were replaceable with another woman, what would that woman have to have? Or does the fact that you have already given a part of your past to this specific woman make it impossible for anyone else to imprint the same feelings that you have for her, or more pertinently the feelings that would be worth putting the effort into for the purpose of someone 'better.'

[czanclus]

Read this to my husband and we agreed, bar none, that will all of these questions the OP has to be a woman!

 

Yes, I am definitely a woman, and definitely not hesitant to ask questions.