Janet33LK Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) I am 36 years old.I'm a married mother of two boys,10 & 7,and have been married 13 years. Two months before my wedding I was carjacked in Kansas near Fort Riley.My husband was in the Army at the time. I'm tiny.I'm only 5'2" and 100 lbs.I got into my car at the supermarket & a man got into my car with a gun.I was so scared! He told me to drive to my bank and withdraw all of our money & I did it because I was terrified!I gave him our whole savings.It was about $3300. After I did it he told me to drive & he directed me to this awful neighborhood & had me pull into this abandoned looking building that used to be some sort of car repair shop. He told me to perform oral sex on him or he would kill me so I did!hHe made me look at him when I did it!Then he did it to me 3 times!he held me there for almost two hours and then dropped me off on the side of a road somewhere!i didn't even know where I was! A couple drove by after a while & called the police. My husband came & we reported it but I never told my husband or the police the truth,that he raped me,because I was so ashamed because he took pictures of me doing that to him!They never found him & the police never contacted us ater we moved away to Florida when he got out of the army. Sometimes at night I wake up crying or sometimes I just go to be alone & cry!It hurts! I wish I could tell my husband but I am so ashamed that these pictures may be on the internet someday or something!I was pure!I was saving myself for my husband!I wish I had the strength to tell him! I think I really need therapy because I am petrified every time that a man approaches near me when I'm by myself somewhere! Am I crazy? Edited February 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to Abuse forum Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I'm not sure that any rational person would consider rape to be infidelity. I can see how you might feel guilty for not telling your husband. My point-of-view is that you've experienced a trauma and need the support of your husband. I also don't think you should be ashamed for being raped. The shame is on the rapist. I don't think you're crazy but trauma will traumatize people. Your fears are normal and predictable, as is your emotional response/feeling of shame. I'm not an expert on this but I think the support of family and yes, a therapist, is the wisest path for you. And try to stop feeling ashamed because I'd imagine that NO ONE else thinks you should. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 You need to get professional help, this is not your fault. You will need to tell your husband because this is just too big to keep from him. Too bad you didn't report it 13 years ago, the man probably had a record and needs to be behind bars because he will probably hurt someone else again. His DNA would be on file. I understand why you didn't, please get help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Secret Advisor Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 This is a terrible thing to happen to you. However it seems like the race of the assailant has become a disproportionate factor in the entire episode. You can't blame an entire race for the actions of one man. You should feel no shame for being the victim of a sex crime. Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I highly, highly doubt that a rapist criminal from over 13 years ago has put photos of you on the Internet! In those days, camera phones were NOT smart phones linked to the Internet! In those days, the phones didn't last long, and when you dropped them into water, or lost them, or broke them, your information and photos were all lost! Also, a man like that who committed several crimes of abduction, kidnapping, robbery, and rape, is very likely to be a criminal with a long history of crime! Which means that is what he does. And it's only a matter of time before he gets caught and locked up for many years. So, most likely you are not posted on the Internet, and most likely he is already in jail serving a long sentence. Why are you thinking about all of this NOW? What is the reason for the timing of all this? Has something happened in your life to get you to think back? You could benefit from psychotherapy. You need help. You were attacked and violated and none of it was your fault at all. Any normal person will empathize with you. Before you think of telling your husband, first get therapy for yourself. You need the support of a professional. While your husband loves you, he will be shocked and will react strongly, since he was not there to protect you and was unable to help you all these years... so, his reaction is not going to be beneficial to you at first. You need to get the emotional help and support from elsewhere to begin with. Perhaps google support groups for rape victims, or something... but at minimum go see a clinical psychologist for help. When you are stronger, then the therapist will guide you through telling your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) I recommend therapy. There are a lot of men in the world, many of whom have happy families, good jobs and don't rape. One is even a president. Go get some help. Sorry for your pain. Edited February 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I think I really need therapy Oh my gosh, a thousand times YES!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You need therapy ASAP!!!!! Contact your personal physician's office at 8:01 Monday morning and ask them to make a referral for you to a competent and well respected therapist that specializes in treating traumatic events. I know you will not be comfortable asking for this from the people that treat your childrens sore throats and boo-boos but in this case it is very important for you to get to the best practicioner who specializes in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is not a situation where you just look through the yellow pages and pick out a name. You want a referral to someone well known in the medical community as a solid therapist. You will not need to provide any details or anything to your health care provider and you will not need to discuss it with him/her. you just simply need to ask for the referral. This was a terrible and very traumatic event and an act of evil inflicted on you and it has festered for over a decade. This is beyond the scope of what strangers on the internet can provide. You are right, you do need professional therapy. You survived the event and came out of it alive so you did the right thing then. Your instincts kept you alive then and they are telling you to do the right thing again with getting therapy. Don't wait another day!! This has impacted you and hung like a black cloud over you for 13 years. please please please do not let it go untreated one more day!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Before you think of telling your husband, first get therapy for yourself. You need the support of a professional. While your husband loves you, he will be shocked and will react strongly, since he was not there to protect you and was unable to help you all these years... so, his reaction is not going to be beneficial to you at first. You need to get the emotional help and support from elsewhere to begin with. I agree with this. The therapist will be able to help you sort everything out and will be able to assist you and support you for when the time comes to tell your husband. (or even IF you and the therapist decide to tell him. I assume at some point he needs to be told but I don't know that as fact. That is what the therapist is there to work on and decide together between the two of you) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) This is not infidelity. You need therapy. You need to tell your husband.Do you have a pastor you can go to? Someone? This is something you absoluely have to talk to someone about and now! As soon as possible! Edited February 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I just want to add that I think it would be normal to fear black men, if he was black, hispanic if he was hispanic, or bearded men if he was bearded, etc. That is something you absolutely need to talk to a therapist about. I agree. I was molested by a type, and that type makes me nervous at times. This is NOT racism, it's PTSD 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 You have PTSD. You survived a trauma. You must have been soooooo terrified. Reach out for rape counseling. Sometimes it's free or low / no cost. They won't judge. You are not the 1st person to be ashamed & not tell in the immediate aftermath. The will help you find a way to tell your husband if that is the right move for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I can't offer you anything but my sympathy because there is no excuse for rape. Like everyone else, I urge you to seek therapy ASAP because it's going to be the only way to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Confuddled1983 Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I'm sorry I don't have any advice but didn't want to just read and run. I'm so sorry this happened to you, I cannot even begin to imagine how terrified you were, sending you ((hugs)) try and be strong and get the help you need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) it's not infidelity but rape and sexual assault. The OP needs to talk to a PTSD specialist before telling her husband if it has been festering all these 13 years. Edited February 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 If the thread starter has any further updates and/or responses to add, please use the 'alert us' link on this post and advise moderation. Thanks everyone for your participation! Link to post Share on other sites
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