Nony101 Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 So we've been engaged for a few months now. Honestly, I really think I miss just being boyfriend/girlfriend. We had a lot more fun when we were just dating. In just the few months that we've been engaged, I feel like any passion we had in our relationship is gone. Like neither of us is "trying" anymore (me, due to advice given to me in this forum, because she was not matching my efforts into the relationship). We have no physical aspect to our relationship, except the occasional kiss. We don't snuggle, and when she sleeps over, we stay on opposite sides of the bed. Any sort of conversation is about the wedding. I didn't think I would ever get sick of it, but I'm sick of it. I totally didn't see this stuff happening when I proposed. I've learned to limit my input on wedding plans unless asked and even then it's a 50/50 shot on whether it's a "worthy" idea or just ****. Has anyone else experienced this? What have you done? She's busy and excited about planning a wedding (this is what she's wanted), but me, I'm feeling just empty. I want to help and I love her to death, but sometimes I wonder whether she just wants to get married, or she actually wants to marry me. Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) Lots going through your mind. My input is don't get into the trap that things will improve when.....fill in the gap. -after the wedding -after he finds a job -after the baby is born -after he stops drinking -after we buy a new house -when her health improves Relationships are about people. Not situations. Whenever I hear one partner excusing away the behaviour of their partner it makes me cringe...he is stressed because if work, his dog died, he is antsy because.... No, this is when healthy couples come together closer and not apart. Edited February 2, 2014 by Eau Claire Can't spell 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I say talk to her and tell her exactly how you're feeling. Maybe premarital counseling will help as well. If you're already feeling this way now that is not good. After marriage it only gets worse if you let it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Sounds like she just wants to get married. Anyone will do. You cannot get married until you get this under control - a proper relationship, or break it off now, before you're stuck getting a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
imatradie81 Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 If you're both not being close and intimate now then it's going to get worse. Put on the brakes and sort it out. It won't fix itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Stop planning the wedding and fix this. Go to counseling. You are walking a dangerous path. If this keeps up you will be divorced in a year. Marriage is supposed to bond 2 people closer, and drift them apart. If you are feeling empty, you should NOT marry. This isn't what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 After the wedding things will only get worse. You will have to deal with this problem now. You got to comfortable in the relationship and neither of you is making any effort to improve things. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Wedding planning is really stressful. It consumed me & I consider myself a pretty balanced person. That said, I knew it was a problem so I made a conscious effort to stop & remember to be loving to my then fiancé. There were some days I was so stressed out from all the "should's" & the money & the garbage people feed you but my best stress relief was in his arms. When it got bad, if there wasn't anything pressing, he'd declare a weekend off -- meaning no wedding planning or talk. You two need to reconnect before you move forward. It has to be about the marriage not the wedding. Can you go away for a long weekend & take a time out? When you do Valentine's Day look for cards about being engaged. Both of you take the time to read them & really focus on what they mean. We only had 1 engaged V-Day & although it had problems (I unexpectedly had to work OT) it was still precious to me as we were planning our future. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 has she turned into bridezilla? maybe that's all it is and less wedding planning would make you happier. have you asked her about the possibility of eloping, or just a small ceremony with the two of you? perhaps suggest the idea of a much smaller wedding and point out the intimacy and love and your desire to be with just her and not let the wedding consume you guys. it doesn't sound like you're hesitant or not in love or need counseling, just that the actual planning is getting to you and reality is setting in :-) Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Nony, I've read through all of your other posts, and in your case, I would strongly caution you against blaming the problems on wedding stress and proceeding anyway. You only dated her for a few short months before you got engaged. It's very common for a relationship to seem perfect and unbelievable during the first several months and then run into a lot of problems later on. It takes time for people's issues to emerge in a relationship, especially since it's so easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new romance. You can't be at all sure that your problems are due to wedding planning and not other issues. The other big issue I see is that she's just 21 and has already shown you a lot of immature behavior. She seems like she has some growing up left to do before she's ready for marriage. The divorce rate for people getting married at 21 is quite high, as is the divorce rate for people who have a whirlwind romance and don't take their time before getting engaged. There are of course exceptions to these rules. But you're already seeing a whole lot of evidence that you're very unlikely to be one of these exception. I think it'd be a grave mistake to ignore the red flags and proceed with the wedding anyway. If you still want to be with her, you should at least call of the wedding for now. In just a couple more years she'll have a lot more life experience, and you'll both have a lot more experience in the relationship. So if your relationship is strong and steady at that point, you can reconsider marriage then. I realize that you might be nervous that she'll break up if you call off the wedding. But then you should ask yourself this question. If you can't even trust the relationship to last through next month, how can you possibly be ready to promise it will last another fifty years? If spending her life with you is important to her, then she can wait to have a wedding day. (And since you're holding off on having sex until you're married, I'll add that people can wait for that as well. My husband and I had didn't have sex until after we were married, but dated for a lot of years before.) If the two of you can't deal with this issues, then you probably won't be able to deal with the issues that come up after marriage. You're only 25. That's the age when a lot of girls just start appreciating a lot of nice guys like yourself. If it doesn't work out with her, you will have other opportunities. Of course, if you believe she's the one, then don't give up on her entirely yet. But you really should at least call off the wedding. Good luck! Edited February 7, 2014 by devilish innocent 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 You got advice on this forum to 'stop trying'? How's that working out for you? I'll have to go back and read up, I'm sure there was good reason for this advice at the time. Maybe it's time to change your course of action? Link to post Share on other sites
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