Got it Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 Tx - I get your line of logic, I do. I know, for myself, that without ever telling my ex husband of things prior I went down a number of slippery slopes. The core issues were never fully resolved. Now I could have still addressed them on my end and stayed married (I addressed them and divorced). But I can't say I ever had a fully open and honest relationship with him because I wasn't completely transparent. We are divorced so it really doesn't matter now but I just don't see how I could have moved things forward without disclosing. There would have been this major secret between us. Obviously it is your life and your decision but I recommend lots of therapy if you are going this alone and consult with your therapist. See what he/she says about never saying anything and the ripple effect, if any, from that. There are some BS who have said that they didn't want to know if it was all said in done. They seem to be in the minority but there have been some I have read on different sites. If roles were reverse how would you want your husband to handle it? Honestly, what would you want done? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Really, it is living a LIE. two, who are you to determine what your BS can or cannot handle....especially the TRUTH of their own life... Condescending, superior much......? A TOTAL lack of respect to the BS.....and I RESPECT you LESS for this..... You seem,like a smart lady.....but what NOW? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Ppl I'm on a roll here?? and they told me I couldn't write.. Lol Not sure how to say it exactly but sometimes I think that I had the A because I did have the safety and security of a pretty good M at home . I had sonething to fall back on . Had I been in a difficult position financially or emotionally , I wouldn't even have the time or inclination for an A . I would be too busy dealing with real issues . Just my 2 cents So set him loose....watch as he is inundated by MANY! MNAY women who cherish and adore him....within two weeks of you setting him free...... As you date one dirtbag after another. Smart women can always appreciate and spot a good man, target that good man....and leave you in the dust. If YOU CANNOT....that is on you. No offense here....but if you are CHEATING on a GOOD MAN... That is on you! Someone will snatch him up quickly. While you meander, complain of boredom, and cheat on him with one miscreant after another..... Women are real smart that way..... Don't appreciate what you have? Trust me, another woman will.... Set him free if YOU find him lacking and wish to cheat on him.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 Plz calm down . This was one if my earliest posts brought to life again because soneone decided to comment on it . Plz read some of my other recent posts . My husband is MINE, I love him and he loves me and it staying that way . Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Plz calm down . This was one if my earliest posts brought to life again because soneone decided to comment on it . Plz read some of my other recent posts . My husband is MINE, I love him and he loves me and it staying that way . Have you told him about your A? Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 Wanting,no. He knows about the EA but not about the physical part that did happen one time . He chose not to ask me and I choose not to twist the knife . Spark, I posted a post in the appropriate forum . I don't appreciate or respect what I'd become during the A .I thank you for your comments but obviously I don't have to agree with them just like you don't have to agree with mine . Being an xww, I take enough flak here from both the BS and OW here . I don't appreciate you having a coronary on my posts . If you don't respect me, that's fine but try and keep your posts about me respectful . You've lashed out before at me and I've only been respectful . Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 If the roles were reversed... Hmmm .. No idea what I would have done or expected .. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Ppl I'm on a roll here?? and they told me I couldn't write.. Lol Not sure how to say it exactly but sometimes I think that I had the A because I did have the safety and security of a pretty good M at home . I had sonething to fall back on . Had I been in a difficult position financially or emotionally , I wouldn't even have the time or inclination for an A . I would be too busy dealing with real issues . Just my 2 cents Has your experience (the affair) made you appreciate what you have at home? Your H, your life, your home, all that you've been accustomed to and are used to? If your H ever asks you if your A was physical, would you tell him? Can you live with the guilt of not telling him everything? The truth has a way of coming out...Maybe not now or next year - but it could some day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 If H asks, I will tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth . I hVe my reasons to not tell and no one has to agree with them . Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 I haven't read all the responses, so I hope this isn't in left field. But to me, the relationship with my ex-MM was about intimacy and (ironically enough) trust. I had just exited a long marriage to a man who was emotionally and verbally abusive (and at the end, when I asked for the divorce, he became physically abusive and raped me as well. That was for sure the end). So I had not had what I felt was true intimacy in decades. I didn't enter into an A knowingly - he told me he was separated and divorcing. (I am not trying to minimize my role here. By the time I found out, I was too emotionally invested to break it off, and I chose to believe him). What is really funny - not 'ha ha' funny but 'ironic' funny ' was that my ex-MM made me feel safe. My husband never did that, not ever. Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 If H asks, I will tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth . I hVe my reasons to not tell and no one has to agree with them . Isn't that just a lie of omission to the man you claim to love? In my opinion, that's not loving behavior. You are quick to call out OW on this board and talk about how bad affairs are...but you have not taken the steps to give your husband the choice to stay or opt out of the marriage. It's that gift of freedom that you talk about to OWs...maybe you should give that gift of freedom to make a choice to stay or go by telling him and not waiting for him to ask you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Wanting,no. He knows about the EA but not about the physical part that did happen one time . He chose not to ask me and I choose not to twist the knife . . I don't understand why you keep saying he chose not to ask. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 If H asks, I will tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth . I hVe my reasons to not tell and no one has to agree with them . The thing is, if it was a 2-6 month affair, rug sweeping it may be easier but yours was a four year affair. What if the OM tells your husband? Never say never. You have your reasons not to tell, nobody here can force you or make your change your mind but ask yourself what is going to be worse, if your H finds out on his own one day, or someone else tells him, or better him hearing it from you directly... Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 If H asks, I will tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth . I hVe my reasons to not tell and no one has to agree with them . Tx, how do you know he is choosing not to ask and is instead believing you that it is only an EA? Why would he know to ask if there is more? Do you see that the sad piece is he may actually believe you? You do see that you are putting the onus on him to do the heavy lifting on this? You are asking/requiring that he back you into a corner before you will be fully honest with him. And do you really know that you will be fully honest? How do you know that? Your knee jerk response is to hedge/hide. Why even at that moment will you not employ the same response? You are bargaining and lying to yourself. I get it, I did the same over the years and when push came to shove I still hedged. Because being completely honest was frightening and it turned over the power to control the outcome. I didn't want to do that and to be judged fully so I tried to manipulate the situations. I think you are doing the same thing. You want x end result so you are backing it out and giving yourself reasons not to turn over control. This need for control isn't going to change even if you guys are good. This is a slippery slope to your affair, to not being transparent, and I would guess one of your core coping mechanisms. Just a thought based on similarities with myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 If the roles were reversed... Hmmm .. No idea what I would have done or expected .. I think you may know? It just may run counter to how you are acting/treating your husband? If not, really stop and think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 You know how the saying goes: Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. Take what you want from it. Link to post Share on other sites
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