to tell or not to tell?

[bagelgirl]

I've been friends with my boyfriend for a year now, and we started dating in October - after many months of mixed signals, bad timing, etc. I'll spare you the gory details. Long story short, we're together now and so happy our friends are disgusted. The problem is with my family. I am 19 and I have never brought a boy home. I didn't even have my first kiss until college. I have no idea how my parents would react.

 

When I was growing up, my parents never discussed sex, aside from the occasional "oh, you must be a lesbian"-type joke. (I guess because I almost exclusively hung out with girls and gay guys.) I learned all the sex ed stuff at school.

 

I guess they had an easier time with my little brother, because now my dad jokes around with him quite frankly, and my mom teases him about "girlfriends" and stuff. Oh, and my parents haven't shared a bedroom in over a decade, but they get along well sometimes. (They got married because my mom was pregnant with me...yet another issue.)

 

Anyway, I am - well, I guess the best word is afraid - to tell my family about my boyfriend. I love my parents, but they haven't provided the best model of a loving male-female relationship. When I'm honest with myself, I resent that they don't have a better relationship, and that because of this, I have no model to build my own relationships on. I second guess myself a lot, and especially when we first started dating, I constantly worried about screwing up with my boyfriend. I know I'll be dealing with this issue for my entire life - but hey, love is a learning process and I'm a willing student.

 

I feel like if I tell my family, I'll be subjected to a lot of scrutiny and questioning - and teasing. But the snide remarks about my sexuality really stung in high school, when I questioned everything, and it always made me feel wrong or out of place. But also, I guess part of me wants to prove to my parents that they're wrong...that I can be loved by someone outside of the family...

 

I don't know. My boyfriend's family knows about me now, although we'd both wanted to keep our relationship secret from family members (let's just say he has his own set of issues with family.) Now I feel like I should tell mine, but I don't know how. And I don't want to keep them in the dark if my boyfriend and I were ever to take things to the next level, i.e. engagement, parenthood, etc. because then I would be accused of "hiding" things.

 

Okay, so I know this was kind of ramblish and all, but what do you think? I would really appreciate some advice and/or stories. Thanks.

[moimeme]

You are nineteen years old. You are legally able to drive a car and go kill people in a war and work and if you're not legally yet able to drink or sign contracts where you live, you soon will be. It's time to behave like an adult and to quit worrying what the folks will think. If you don't begin to individuate now, when will you ever?

 

Their job is to raise you to be an independent adult, not a hapless soul who needs approval for every action. It's time to grab your own identity and assert it, not in an obnoxious way but firmly and maturely.

[Groovy]

I agree with Moimeme. We both say it's about your desires, not your parents. But I can also say I relate. I am older than you and no longer care what they think. But every guy I got involved in they summed him up like an object in which he was never good enough. They wanted certain education, certain incomes, nationalities and religions, if he's parents love life was in shambles than mine would be too. I was in love with someone and wonder if I would've married them and still be with them had I not let it all matter so much what they thought.

 

Now when relationships fail I feel I look bad, when my parents don't know as much as I do. They are also stuck in dating from the 1950's and can't relate to men who lie, sleep around, are just out for a good shag, use drugs and all that other crap out there.

 

How long have you been dating? I no longer care what they think and will tell them everything. But there's a few people in my family where it has to be plans for marraige before they bother to introduce their flame. But definitely, like him for what you want.

[serendipity67]

You are at an age when its time to step out and find yourself. Yes, for some of us, our parents approval is very important. However, its time for you to stand up and bring your friend around.

 

If you don't learn to feel good about your self and allow yourself to grow - then self doubt will always be present. Learn to live and learn to be happy within yourself. Trust yourself and your judgment. There are time when we make mistakes, but thats like and we appreciate those mistakes and move forward.