In this situation is NC viable?

[myname]

The courts can force him to reliably give you child support.

 

 

The child has a right to know their father - good or bad.

You really don't think that seeing good old dad once and a while is better than growing up never having even laid eyes on him ?

 

 

You asked for advice....if you don't want to hear anyone else's opinions....then good luck to you...but mostly to this child

 

So far there's been a lot of advice from you which has come across as judgemental and not listening to anything I've said.

 

I never said that never seeing dad is good but if dad is flakey and uninterested then maybe never seeing him offers some protection. I have experience as a child of not seeing dad and I will not cut my child off from that relationship unless there is a valid reason

 

I get defensive from your posts cos you suggest the child will be damaged and that I don't care. I do care.

 

Your suggestions are also all about law and forcing him to do stuff which I don't think is necessarily helpful to the child.

 

Anyway I have spoken with him, which is a far better option than coming on here I find and we will behave reasonably without recourse to solicitors to ensure our child is well cared for.

[Berkley]

So far there's been a lot of advice from you which has come across as judgemental and not listening to anything I've said.

 

I never said that never seeing dad is good but if dad is flakey and uninterested then maybe never seeing him offers some protection. I have experience as a child of not seeing dad and I will not cut my child off from that relationship unless there is a valid reason

 

I get defensive from your posts cos you suggest the child will be damaged and that I don't care. I do care.

 

Your suggestions are also all about law and forcing him to do stuff which I don't think is necessarily helpful to the child.

 

Anyway I have spoken with him, which is a far better option than coming on here I find and we will behave reasonably without recourse to solicitors to ensure our child is well cared for.

 

 

I don't doubt for a minute that you are worried about your child's welfare...that is very clear to see !!

 

 

I may be judgemental in that...I see from your posts that what you are doing is projecting your childhood situation onto your own child.

You didn't have a father and you turned out fine.

Kids are resilient creatures....they adapt and yes, the child will survive without a father and grow up health and happy...probably.

Would the child be happy and healthy knowing it's father...however distant ? Probably.

 

 

Being flaky isn't a reason to exclude him from this child's life completely.

 

 

Trusting the word of a married man who is abandoning you to hide this from his own family without consulting a lawyer is not advisable.

I'm not sure if you've ever tried to raise a child on your own before....it's not easy - and any form of child support is in the child's best interest...period.

[myname]

I don't doubt for a minute that you are worried about your child's welfare...that is very clear to see !!

 

 

I may be judgemental in that...I see from your posts that what you are doing is projecting your childhood situation onto your own child.

You didn't have a father and you turned out fine.

Kids are resilient creatures....they adapt and yes, the child will survive without a father and grow up health and happy...probably.

Would the child be happy and healthy knowing it's father...however distant ? Probably.

 

 

Being flaky isn't a reason to exclude him from this child's life completely.

 

 

Trusting the word of a married man who is abandoning you to hide this from his own family without consulting a lawyer is not advisable.

I'm not sure if you've ever tried to raise a child on your own before....it's not easy - and any form of child support is in the child's best interest...period.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions and in most of them you are wrong.

 

I did grow up with a father, my adopted father, and I found my bio father in my thirties as I do understand the importance of having him in my life.

 

Actually though a flaky parent can do a lot of damage and cause a lot of hurt and be confusing for a child to understand.

 

Money is not everything and I own my home, have a good job, supportive family and savings.

 

Also actually talking to him rather than a lawyer is going to be more likely to make sure that he has a good relationship with our child which is more important than cash.

 

You come across as rather sarcastic and unhelpful as though you just want to lash out at other people rather than give any constructive support.

[ClemsonTigers]

So far there's been a lot of advice from you which has come across as judgemental and not listening to anything I've said.

 

I never said that never seeing dad is good but if dad is flakey and uninterested then maybe never seeing him offers some protection. I have experience as a child of not seeing dad and I will not cut my child off from that relationship unless there is a valid reason

 

I get defensive from your posts cos you suggest the child will be damaged and that I don't care. I do care.

 

Your suggestions are also all about law and forcing him to do stuff which I don't think is necessarily helpful to the child.

 

Anyway I have spoken with him, which is a far better option than coming on here I find and we will behave reasonably without recourse to solicitors to ensure our child is well cared for.

 

 

Not judging you just wondering if you considered putting the child up for adoption so he|she can have a shot at a more stable two parent home?

 

I like your alternate idea of just treating him like a sperm donor and moving on with your life without him. Opening legal doors financially further opens emotional doors and you and your child are better off far away from this unrepentant adulterer. YOU are much more likely to find a decent single man that might be willing to take on a young single mother and her child if you don't have this married man sniffing around you and the kid from time to time whenever he can fit his secret life into his real life.

 

His wife should know…regardless. Clean up your side of the street and apologize to her. You took something from her and her family that didn't belong to you. She deserves the truth about her life.

 

As mentioned previously, speak to an attorney about your rights. Your MOM is no doubt a selfish little pr!ck, who may fight you if you offend his sense of entitlement. You can't predict how a wayward will behave. Better to be prepared legally upfront.

[Berkley]

 

As mentioned previously, speak to an attorney about your rights. Your MOM is no doubt a selfish little pr!ck, who may fight you if you offend his sense of entitlement. You can't predict how a wayward will behave. Better to be prepared legally upfront.

 

 

Exactly...talking and being reasonable right now doesn't mean there couldn't be a change of heart in the future.

 

 

I'm not being spiteful or ignorant in the least...I'm just not saying what you want to hear and it's making you defensive.

Whether you like my opinion or not makes no difference to me - but I am entitled to it. I just happen to think that every child has a right to know their biological parents. Good or bad, flaky or wonderful.

 

 

I hope for the child's sake MM steps up to the plate to be a father this child deserves to have.

[myname]

Not judging you just wondering if you considered putting the child up for adoption so he|she can have a shot at a more stable two parent home?

 

I like your alternate idea of just treating him like a sperm donor and moving on with your life without him. Opening legal doors financially further opens emotional doors and you and your child are better off far away from this unrepentant adulterer. YOU are much more likely to find a decent single man that might be willing to take on a young single mother and her child if you don't have this married man sniffing around you and the kid from time to time whenever he can fit his secret life into his real life.

 

His wife should know…regardless. Clean up your side of the street and apologize to her. You took something from her and her family that didn't belong to you. She deserves the truth about her life.

 

As mentioned previously, speak to an attorney about your rights. Your MOM is no doubt a selfish little pr!ck, who may fight you if you offend his sense of entitlement. You can't predict how a wayward will behave. Better to be prepared legally upfront.

 

I am in a position to look after my child and my parents and friends are excited about the baby so adoption is not something I'm considering.

 

I'm not sure about telling his wife, I think like the finances it opens doors to potential trouble. Ok that's not fair to her but my child is going to come before his wife and I don't want her to confront me while I'm pregnant or when I have a young baby. By the way not that it makes any difference but he and his wife don't have children.

 

You make a good point and I will speak to a lawyer to find out what the law here actually is so I know what to expect, thanks for the suggestion.

[Berkley]

 

You make a good point and I will speak to a lawyer to find out what the law here actually is so I know what to expect, thanks for the suggestion.

 

LOL...I've suggested exactly the same thing numerous times but you chose to refute it.

[myname]

Exactly...talking and being reasonable right now doesn't mean there couldn't be a change of heart in the future.

 

 

I'm not being spiteful or ignorant in the least...I'm just not saying what you want to hear and it's making you defensive.

Whether you like my opinion or not makes no difference to me - but I am entitled to it. I just happen to think that every child has a right to know their biological parents. Good or bad, flaky or wonderful.

 

 

I hope for the child's sake MM steps up to the plate to be a father this child deserves to have.

 

Ok, thanks, you're right, what he says now is not something to be relied on and I do agree that a child has the right to know their bio parents.

 

I have been defensive cos I probably expect to be judged as much as anything.

[Berkley]

Ok, thanks, you're right, what he says now is not something to be relied on and I do agree that a child has the right to know their bio parents.

 

I have been defensive cos I probably expect to be judged as much as anything.

 

 

Judged? For having an A with a married man ?

I hardly think any of us are in a position to judge anyone !!!!

[myname]

Ok, brief law here is if he's not on the birth certificate, and he would need to come with me to register the birth to do that, then he has no rights over the child without going to court to gain parental responsibility. He still has to pay maintenance regardless.

 

And today after saying he might come to the next scan with me for ages.... Just now, with the scan tomorrow he's just said he can't and said partly it's my fault for not living closer to him and partly it's the fault of my workplace who haven't paid his invoices which actually aren't strictly due for payment till the middle of the month anyway.

 

This is what makes me think he's going to be not worth knowing as a dad....

[whichwayisup]

he's just said he can't and said partly it's my fault for not living closer to him and partly it's the fault of my workplace who haven't paid his invoices which actually aren't strictly due for payment till the middle of the month anyway.

 

Wow, and this guy is grown man? I hope you laughed in his face. Unbelievable.

[myname]

Wow, and this guy is grown man? I hope you laughed in his face. Unbelievable.

 

He said it by email so I couldn't laugh and actually it made me feel pretty cross. But it does make me not want to talk to him or share the news from the scan with him. He is giving the impression he does not care at all anyway.

[MissTakes]

I just happen to think that every child has a right to know their biological parents. Good or bad, flaky or wonderful.

 

Umm... I think the point is kind of that if the dad isn't involved and is flaky, the child won't really know him anyway. And so far, it doesn't sound like he's doing a great job of demonstrating how he's going to be there for the kid...

 

Anyway. Myname, good luck in this incredibly tough situation. I'd say the best recourse is the route you seem to be taking: getting informed legally, and concentrating on protecting your child, then yourself. I think the one thing to be on the lookout for is something that came up early - if your MM does get involved legally/financially, it may give him the ability to control your life to some extent (i.e., not being able to move, etc). My gut reaction is that you should not put him on the birth certificate of your own accord, and if he wants his name on there, he will have to put the action into motion while you make sure you're protected legally. That isn't to say that I think your child shouldn't know who his or her father is, of course. You can know who your parent is without it needing to be on a birth certificate!

[Aspasia33]

The reason I'm thinking of cutting him off is because I am currently hurt and stressed by his contact and if he carries on as he is then baby once born will also end up hurt and stressed which I do not want.

 

Also I do not think his financial support will amount to much.

 

Do I have to let him do whatever he wants even if it will not be necessarily in the best interests of the child, for instance if he continues like he does now he will arrange visits and then change them or cancel them and be stressed when he's there and rush off if his wife calls.... I feel in a no win situation.

 

I broke up with my sons father when my son was 6 months old( and no, he wasn't married we lived together)

He never paid a cent of maintancd throughout my sons life, and even though he said he wanted the child, showed hardly any interest in him. He would not turn up for visits when he said he would.. As my son got older this hurt him greatly. I also choose not to sue him for chid support, it just wasn't worth the hassle.

I would tell your MM to buzz off quite frankly, you don't need the stress esoecially as he is married, and I agree it will be easier for you. If he has no intention of leaving his wife, then he forfeits his fatherly rights as I see it.

It's much easier bringing up a child in a peaceful way yourself.

My son has grown up to be a fine strong young man, and having a child never put men off wanting to date me.

Best of luck, you and the bubs will be okay. Do what's best for you .

[Aspasia33]

Punishment? Really ?

Having to help take care of a child that he had a 50% hand in creating is not punishment !!!

He doesn't have to be reliable in providing support...the courts will make him be reliable.

Is it fair to remove your child from the possibility of having some contact with it's father...no...it's not fair at all.

 

 

If he wants nothing to do with being a father, that's his choice and there's no decision for you to make if you're not willing to fight for your child's rights - but it's not up to you to remove his child from any situation if he does want to be involved in some way

 

I really wished I had removed my sons father from his life years before I did.. If I had he may not have grown up feelng permantly rejected by him.

If my mother had also removed my abusive alcoholic father from our lives years before she did, my siblings and I wouldn't have the scars we now do.

The Op sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, and a supportive network around her, her mm sounds like a spoilt child. It's not up to him what happens with the child. ( esoecially as he is married)

[myname]

I broke up with my sons father when my son was 6 months old( and no, he wasn't married we lived together)

He never paid a cent of maintancd throughout my sons life, and even though he said he wanted the child, showed hardly any interest in him. He would not turn up for visits when he said he would.. As my son got older this hurt him greatly. I also choose not to sue him for chid support, it just wasn't worth the hassle.

I would tell your MM to buzz off quite frankly, you don't need the stress esoecially as he is married, and I agree it will be easier for you. If he has no intention of leaving his wife, then he forfeits his fatherly rights as I see it.

It's much easier bringing up a child in a peaceful way yourself.

My son has grown up to be a fine strong young man, and having a child never put men off wanting to date me.

Best of luck, you and the bubs will be okay. Do what's best for you .

 

Thanks for sharing this, it is exactly what I'm thinking about.

 

The MM has steadily got more and more stressed and concerned with protecting himself as time has gone on, even though he wanted the pregnancy, and it is not affecting me very well but it also suggests he is not at all concerned for the best thing for the baby and so we could be better off without him.

 

I think that unless there was a dramatic change on his part then I will not nag him to be on the birth certificate cos if he doesn't want to actually it's him who loses the most from that. It's not a requirement for applying for financial support, but it is a requirement for him having a say in the baby's life, and right now his say will be whatever is easier for him or whatever whim he has.

[myname]

Had my scan, he didn't come, but he phoned twice during it, then when I get out I think ok I won't be petty and I phone him back to tell him how it went, his phone is turned off!

 

And I felt hurt all over again and now I don't feel like phoning my parents to tell them how it went because I'm in tears.