My boyfriend is emotionally and physically abusive is it my fault?

[Crysta]

I am in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and I think it might be my fault? I have been with my boyfriend 3 years about a month ago he got arrested for Felony Domestic Abuse and he is still in jail awaiting trial. The latest assault took place because I am not allowed to hang out with my friends so I lied to my boyfriend and told him I was going to bed but I really went to the bar with two of my girlfriends.

 

He found out I went to the bar because I called him drunk and told him I was at bar (stupid of me I know). The next day he was so mad at me he shattered my car windshield with a large hammer, broke my cell phone with a meat tenderizer and pushed me around. In the past he has attempted suicide 3 times, poured a 5 pound bag of sugar down my gas tank, sprained my neck pushing me into dresser and came after me with a machete (he was also arrested that time).

 

He has a history of abuse and has 2 previous domestic assault charges with two different woman. I have been googling and reading a lot on abuse and what I have come to realize is that I have been emotionally abusing him by checking his phone and emails all the time and he has been emotionally abusing me by controlling every aspect of my life and he has physically abused me by causing damage to me and my personal belongings. I guess I am wondering if people think this is my fault? If I wouldn't have lied to him and went to bar with my friends he would have never broke my windshield and phone and he wouldn't be sitting in jail.

Edited February 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and moved to Abuse forum

[SYLLPalmer]

JC! NO! It is not your fault. Please get help.

[TylerDurdenn]

Your boyfriend (emphasis on 'boy') is a ****ing animal and should be locked up in a cage.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

He's right where he needs to be. Let him marinate in there, get some counseling, and move on with your life.

[mrs rubble]

No it is not your fault! This man(thing) has 2 previous domestic assault charges on 2 different woman....it's him!!!

You are allowing him to carry on doing it to you by staying with him, That IS your fault.

I have 2 girlfriends going through the same ATM....they come whining and complaining to me about their boyfriends behaviour, then go back for another helping of abuse. I'm near my wits end with both of them.

Next time they complain....I'm going to tell them I don't want to hear another word from them until they ditch the losers. It's doing my head in knowing these gorgeous women I care about allow themselves to be treated like crap.

Don't be them!!!

[ktya]

A lady by the name "erin pizzy" did research on this as she is the grandmother of womens shelters. Check out her writings they may help you break the cycle.

 

That said smashing your windshield and pouring sugar into your gas tank, not allowing you to see your friends are very controlling behaviors that you should not stand for.

 

Constantly checking his phone and emails is wrong though. My ex did that and i nearly broke up with her instantly. If you really feel the need you need to ask yourself if you maybe have trust issues stemming from somewhere else or maybe you need to rethink whether its good to be in this relationship entirely.

 

I never cheated and my ex went deeper and deeper into my email and internet history asking me crap about my google searches it was infuriating. I had to change my passwords to a 26 charachter alphanumeric just because i didnt want her checking anymore. For the first three years i didnt care if she knew my passwords bwcause i had nothing to hide.

 

I dont know the nature of your blowout with him but it sounds like he lacks self control. I would have maybe gotten super angry and packed a bag for you and sent you to your parents or friends house in a taxi but smashing windshields and trying to destroy your car is beyond any normal reaction.

 

You need to get out of there, get some therapy for your underlying issues that leads you to ask a question like this and stay single foe a while until they are dealt with.

 

In the meantime read about erin pizzey. She has an amazing story, the feminists literally threatened to bomb her house and as the grandmother of the womens shelter movement it will shed a light for you on a variety of issues.

[Crysta]

As I was typing my original thread I realized how dysfunctional and embarrassing it is that I have even allowed this to continue for 3 years if any of my friends were in a relationship like this I would force them to leave or not be their friend anymore its just hard because I am the person in this situation and because I have feelings for my abuser I have excused a lot of the crazed behavior. I realize I shouldn't have had to lie in order to hang out with my girlfriends because I should be able to have friends. I think I am just going through mixed feelings one minute I feel fine and that he is crazy and the next minute I blame myself and feel sorry for him and think I should have been better girlfriend etc. I only search through his phone and email because he has cheated on me in the past I should have left him for that too. I literally have no shame and am an idiot for staying. I just need to muster the strength to stay done and not allow this abuse anymore.

[mrs rubble]

You can do it Crysta!!:) Be your own best friend!!!

 

I escaped an abusive marriage. It took gut's, it's not easy by any means.....but the rewards are worth it. If I'd stayed my impressionable children would've grown up believing that violence is normal and acceptable. Now they know without doubt that violence is not ok.

[spiderowl]

It's not your fault that the way he is dealing with any upset with you is by physically abusing you. No-one deserves to be threatened or beaten! You obviously feel it's your fault at some level and this is why you need to seek therapy and support fast.

 

One can't ignore the fact that in some ways you are shooting yourself in the foot - going through the phone of a violent man is less than wise; calling him from the bar when he's forbidden you to go out without him (and you've lied to him too) is not wise. However, beating you up is abuse and illegal and he should be stopped. The police are the only one able to do this and he should be reported. Hopefully, with support and somewhere to go that is safe, you will eventually feel able to do this.

 

As someone with a friend who is in abusive relationship, I can't help but feel there are other issues underlying it all. Why go back into it? Fear? If it's fear, then a woman would not ring her violent partner from the pub, having defied him (even though his controlling behaviour is totally unacceptable). Maybe violent relationships feel familiar to some, normal even, for whatever reason. People's backgrounds have a strong influence on what they feel is familiar. I think you need someone who can help you work out why you got into this relationship.

 

It's pointless telling you to report it to the police - you should of course, but your safety comes first. Only you know when it would be safe to do that and you need to seek support first. Your partner should not be lifting a finger to you, not a finger. I think you know that. The question is how can you learn to know it at every level, not just rationally? How are you justifying to yourself why you stay with him? That is the question?

[M30USA]

While there seems to be mutual abuse, his is about 9 on a scale and yours is about a 2. You need to separate before there's a serious injury or crime.

[HokeyReligions]

Im against abuse ok. There is NEVER an excuse or justification for it. Having said that - when I read posts like this I want to reach thru the keyboard and slap the OP and say "yes its your fault".

 

What is WRONG with these people? Were your parents and grand parents all in abusive relationships? Did NO ONE teach you right from wrong? Is there some mental illness or deficit?

 

And Would you please (male or female) voluntarily be sterilized to help reduce this problem.

 

If you think it's your fault or responsibility that your partner abuses you then YOU DO have problems and need to get your head in therapy that does not take place on the internet.

[Allumere]

As I was typing my original thread I realized how dysfunctional and embarrassing it is that I have even allowed this to continue for 3 years if any of my friends were in a relationship like this I would force them to leave or not be their friend anymore its just hard because I am the person in this situation and because I have feelings for my abuser I have excused a lot of the crazed behavior. I realize I shouldn't have had to lie in order to hang out with my girlfriends because I should be able to have friends. I think I am just going through mixed feelings one minute I feel fine and that he is crazy and the next minute I blame myself and feel sorry for him and think I should have been better girlfriend etc. I only search through his phone and email because he has cheated on me in the past I should have left him for that too. I literally have no shame and am an idiot for staying. I just need to muster the strength to stay done and not allow this abuse anymore.

 

Huni, the primary thing that keeps folks in situations like you find yourself is FEAR. Standing on your own, experiencing change, worrying about money, where to stay....they seem so huge that staying seems better then the alternative. And somehow, folks somehow talk themselves into believing they love the abuser. Oh he isn't like that all the time. Oh but he really loves me. What's worse is they start thinking everything is their fault. THE ONLY THING THAT IS YOUR FAULT IS PUTTING UP WITH IT. Get out. I don't care if you end up in a woman's shelter or couch surf for the next 6 months I guarantee your life will be a 100 times better and you will be safe. Give this guy enough time, you could be permanently injured or worse, dead. Seen it too many times.

[bubbaganoosh]

Re read your thread and go over the parts describing your boyfriend.

 

He's in jail for domestic abuse. Broke your car window, broke your phone, pushed you around, poured sugar down your gas tank, sprained your neck while pushing you around again and has two previous domestic abuse charges against him with two different women.

 

Now either your the most desperate woman walking the face of the earth, or the dumbest or a masochist.

 

Listen carefully. No one has the right to be abusive to you in a verbal or physical way. If you let him then you get what you deserve.

 

I've been lied to by women. Had two wives who cheated on me and had a finace who hooked me in to a marriage because she was pregnant and told me it was mine and after I was married to her the truth came out and I never, NEVER laid a hand on any of them. I never destroyed their property. Never verbally abused them. Why? Because I'm a MAN!

 

I'll be the first to admit that I sure as hell can't walk on water or turn water into wine and I have a hell of a lot of faults but I have never been called a wife beater or abuser in my life because that's what cowards do.

 

It's real easy to push someone around that you know can't give you fair battle. The deck is stacked against them and it gives them a feeling of superiority because he knows he has the upper hand. That ain't a man sweetie and someone should have given you a swift kick in your tight ass for getting mixed up with someone like that.

 

So what are you going to do? You want to become a statistic? You want to land in a hospital beaten to a pulp? Or maybe the morgue complete with your very own toe tag?

 

Get away from this guy yesterday. If he's in jail, then this is your chance to make a real drastic change in your life and you just might save yourself from some serious damage.

 

The longer you hold on to this bum the better your chances of being on the receiving end of his wrath.

 

I'm a old man sweetie, 66 yrs and change and I know what I'm talking about and there isn't anyone on this forum or in your life that wants to see you get hurt or worse and this guy is a prime candidate to make it happen. You have a brain so use it please.

Edited February 9, 2014 by bubbaganoosh