Scared

[LaurenHeartYou]

Hi Guys!

 

I don't know if this is the place to do this, and if I want my whole entire relationship out on the Internet, but I need to get this off of my chest (and maybe even some advice?). Sorry, this is gonna be a long story.

 

I met a guy online. I was playing an online game and so was he. When I met him, I just came out of a 3 year relationship and I had just moved in to my own place. It was a weird time for me, with a lot of changes. I moved, lived on my own for the first time, just got out of a relationship, changed jobs, and so on.. Playing this game was my way to just don't think about anything and just play the game and talk to some people who didn't know me.

 

I didn't expect to actually meet anybody. I was really sceptical about online friends and never thought I would ever want to meet anyone who I met online. Until I met Adam..

 

We immediately hit off. He was always talking about music and as we like the same music, we got along really well. I talked to him for hours a day, not expecting anything out of it. Later I discovered that neither did he. My day began to revolve around him. We were just 'Online friends', but the first thing I did when I woke up was message him (so did he btw) en the last thing I did before I went to sleep was message him.

 

After about 2 years of talking every single day, I told him that I liked him, that I wanted to be more than friends. He told me he felt te same way about me. At that moment, I couldn't have been any happier. I was so relieved.

 

Now, roughly about a year later, I still haven't seen him. Recently (about a few weeks ago) it began to drive me crazy. I have seen him on Skype, so I know he is the guy he really says to be, and I trust him with all of my heart. We're just both really scared. We feel like we have a good thing going on right now (even though it is absolutely killing me that I can't see him), and I am very afraid that it might not work out after we meet up. Most people I know (only my close family knows about him) tell me: 'Just go meet him already! What have you got to lose?'.. But that's the problem. What I've got to lose is this.. This connection that we share over the Internet, this friendship and romance that we have going on right now.

 

I never thought that it was even possible to fall in love with someone you haven't met before, but it is. I do miss the physical part (especially hugs) a lot, but after we told each other we liked each other things got a little sexual sometimes as well. It is good enough to fulfil my needs and I think he thinks about it the same way (although actual sexual contact would be a lot nicer).

 

I feel like I don't want to risk this. That I can't meet him. I just feel like I can't. But on the other hand, I know we have to at one point. This can't continue like this for another year. It's about a 6 hour drive to get to him, so that is doable.

 

I am just afraid that the first time meeting will be really awkward and that something happens that will put him off. He kinda thinks like me and says he feels the same way. I guess I am looking for tips against my anxiety? This first meeting is absolutely freaking me out. Also, maybe, people who experienced a first meeting like that could give me some tips? advice? share their experiences? Really, anything is welcome.

 

Sorry for my long message and my bad English. English isn't my first language. Thanks for reading and I'm hoping for reply's.

 

With Love,

Lauren.

[CA2TN4Love]

I hate to say this, but I don't think the anxiety is going to get easier. You've invested a lot of time and emotion into your relationship and you're afraid that it won't translate the same way in person. I think everyone feels anxious in that situation, but perhaps you can quit focusing on the anxiety and think of it differently?

 

You're focusing on what you're going to lose if you meet your man and the sparks don't fly. Have you even considered what you're losing by putting off meeting? You're losing time! The longer that you put meeting off, the more time you lose, either in a fantastic physical relationship with your man, or finding (and being emotionally available for) another potential love interest.

 

You're crippling your romantic life by indulging the anxiety. Life does not stand still for anyone. Do you want to delay a meeting for the next five years, only to meet and find out the emotional connection doesn't come with a physical connection? Where would that leave you? Looking back and kicking yourself because you wasted eight years on a fantasy when your soulmate could have passed you by.

 

Eventually, you'll need to meet or move on and always wonder "what if?". My advice to you is to start making plans to meet up. The anxiety will only last until you actually meet. Then you'll know. Time is much too precious to waste. What's the worst that can happen? You end up with a really great friend.

[ThisGal]

What you're feeling is normal. Most of all have experienced nervousness about meeting for the first time. I was very excited and confident in my relationship before meeting my guy and I was still very freakn' nervous. I am very glad we met in person! I agree with the poster above, go for it! Both of you hiding behind a computer for years won't accomplish much, if anything. It's time to meet up if you both feel ready. Stop wasting time. Enjoy yourself. Be careful. I would suggest he makes the drive to you and meet up somewhere public where there are people around. Don't show him where you live. Anyway, life is short. Go for it. I'm assuming you two are adults; face reality and take a chance and meet up face-to-face and realize that what you're feeling is absolutely normal. Don't let anxiety win. Good luck!

[FitChick]

Do you live in the same country? If not, then it could be difficult meeting and falling madly in love if one of you couldn't move due to immigration or money. You'd probably have to get married right away.

[justwhoiam]

Do you live in the same country? If not, then it could be difficult meeting and falling madly in love if one of you couldn't move due to immigration or money. You'd probably have to get married right away.

I fail to see how falling in love has anything to do with living in the same country. Are you saying that you have a block mechanism that prevents you from falling in love with someone who lives in a different country? When they're in love, people usually follow their heart not their reason, as wrong as it may seem to you.

[justwhoiam]

I was really sceptical about online friends and never thought I would ever want to meet anyone who I met online. Until I met Adam..

Dear Lauren (or Eve),

 

You've been talking to this guy for 3 years. The more you postpone a meeting, the more both of you will be building up a virtual image of the other and grow expectations too, in the process.

 

You need to deal with the fear and overcome it. Just tell to yourself that whatever happens, it was meant to be. If it's instant chemistry, it'll be great. If it doesn't work, you'll be sorry and let down, but also happy that you got that out of the way. You need the real thing, not just a dream. You can't know now how much you can miss someone's embrace. But you will when you experience it.

 

And should it be a great experience and you are in love with one another, you'll have the same fear the second time too. Because you'll have to live up to his expectation since when he met you the first time. Especially if the meeting is spaced out and not like the next week or after 2 weeks... Some of us in LDRs have to wait several to many months in a row, before being able to meet again. Especially when we live in different continents.

 

It's just a 6-hour drive for you. Which means an hour by plane, I guess. You're quite lucky. Now act on it. Meet him (in a safe way in public) and see what happens. If he's not a jerk, you're not gonna lose him anyway. If you lose him, he was a jerk so what gives?

[LaurenHeartYou]

Thanks all! This really helps. I know (when I'm just using logic to think this through) that I need to meet him. Everything you guys said hit me, because I know it's all true and I just need to ignore my anxiety right now, or get over it somehow.

 

The last part of the last message was especially helpful. Although I don't think I could think of him as a jerk if he won't feel any sparks when we meet, I do think he's not worth it if he'll just let a 3 year relationship fade if the first time will be awkward. Sometimes I'm forgetting he'll probably be as nervous as I am.

 

Thanks guys. Thank you so much.

 

X

[OnlyHonesty]

What you fear is reality. Everything so far is still based on a creation. All of the different times, conversations, sexual talk and sharing has formed an image in your mind. Often, you will unconsciously downplay any negative points, not notice them or push them aside. What you have right now is 'perfect', safe and it gives you the emotional connection you need, the 'butterflies', heart warming sensations that you wish for and the sexual side is also linked to this image you have built of this person in your mind.

 

Meeting him will challenge this image, the safety zone will no longer be there, any negative points you ignored could no longer be pushed aside and you fear the image in your mind could never live up to the reality of his true self.

 

I believe online connections are a special gift but the gift is wrapped in a curse, a curse of time. One can get carried away with the fantasy side and neglect the reality and every now and then, you will feel anxious and annoyed because you so desperately want this fantasy to be real but to make it real, you risk losing it all. However, you risk gaining it all too. The problem is, the longer you leave to meet, the more this image will grow and in time, no reality will be able to match up to this fantasy.

 

If I was you, I would assert myself and arrange to meet as soon as possible. I don't always follow this advice myself 'feel the fear and then do it anyway', but when I have, it has worked well.

[justwhoiam]

I don't think I could think of him as a jerk if he won't feel any sparks when we meet

I didn't mean that. He's a jerk if he stops talking to you because of that. After all, you have been just friends before, for two years. So whatever happens, he shouldn't just disappear. But that greatly depends on his maturity level.

 

Chances are he'll be nervous too, and will want to make an impression...

 

I was almost sure he wouldn't like me in person. I was wrong. Dear wrong. I don't want to grow your hopes any further. You never know how these things go or develop, until you're in them.