Messy situation with best friend

[hermit]

Hi. I’m a 29-year-old female and have been single since my last boyfriend split up with me almost 6 years ago, and celibate (mostly involuntarily) for almost 5. I used to have a great group of friends I’d met at Uni, but all but one of them have now moved away (although we’re still in contact). The one member of the group who is still around I’d consider to be my best male friend. He is a few years younger than me, and I love him dearly and have done for many years – platonically, as he has always been in relationships, and so it never occurred to me to flirt with him. I’d describe our friendship as deep – we share deeply philosophical and personal conversations and lend each other books and music.

In recent months I noticed him getting more and more ‘touchy-feely’. As all other people in our group of friends are no longer around, we ended up hanging out just the two of us a lot, and he would often lean his head on my shoulder or cross his legs over mine. I soon realised that this behaviour triggered feelings inside me that I have to admit had probably been there under the surface for some significant time.

Yesterday I visited him at his house for the first time. He invited me to his room to listen to music. We ended up listening to music for hours, and he went from him sitting next to me with his arm around me to lying on the floor facing each other with our legs entwined just looking into each other’s eyes for literally hours, not speaking for long stretches of time. When we did talk, it was deeply philosophical and somewhat romantic.

He didn’t try to grope me or do anything sexual, but he did lightly touch and hold me. The whole thing came to an end when his girlfriend called and asked where he was. I got up quickly and immediately feeling very flustered, and made my way to the door. As I went to open it, he stopped me and took me in his arms. He then held me and looked into my eyes for what felt like ages, until finally the inevitable happened and we kissed. At this point I was shaking violently, though not sure why.

I left quite quickly then, telling him that I hoped things wouldn’t be awkward between us what with what we’d done, and he said no. It’s now been 36 hours and I haven’t heard from him. I feel I need to have a conversation with him about the situation, because I’m scared I’m falling for him and I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship, nor do I want to be a home wrecker. In short I guess I’m looking for a way to salvage the friendship. I’m scared to call or text him for fear of seeming desperate or clingy, and I have no idea what his intentions were/ are when he initially started behaving like more than a friend.

I know I’ve done wrong by kissing and sharing intimate moments with a friend knowing he is in a relationship. I’m scared wondering whether he was in fact willing to jeopardize our long-term friendship just for a bit of fun, or if there is something more serious…. Please don’t judge me, I’m only human and I just want to make things alright. Any ideas and advice would be welcome.

 

Edit: By the way, neither of us drink, so there was no alcohol involved. We have been friends for nearly 4 years.

Edited February 3, 2014 by hermit
Added info

[imtooconfused]

hermit, firstly I am sorry that you have not been getting any responses at all. Your situation is quite messy and there should be others who are better able to help you.

 

I strongly feel that for you and your friend the 'platonic friendship' is a thing of the past. You two have crossed a boundary that cannot be uncrossed. You two had some very personal moments together that cannot be forgotten. There are only two paths that can be followed and your only involvement in which path to take is to make sure you don't ever follow the deadly middle ground.

 

You two obviously have sparks and that 'could' be the beginning of a really good thing. You have known each other for a long time and a lot of the preliminary compatibility questions have been resolved. If you still feel the desire to move forward it's possible, but he obviously has to resolve the big problem. He showed you that you mean 'something' to him with the kiss, but before you can really be anything to him, he needs to finish things with the current girlfriend. It's possible that he is already considering this on his own, and I hope for your sake that he is. Only after he breaks it off should you consider anything more than verbal discussions with him.

 

Of course the other path is if he can't or won't do break it off with his 'girlfriend'. If that happens, it can only mean you were just a fling to him and that he is not someone who you should even consider to be a friend. At that point, you walk away from the friendship and thank yourself that you found out what a lousy person he was after one evening.

 

I don't know which path is more likely than the other, and more importantly, I don't know how you open the conversation with him about the decisions that he has to make. I hope that others who have been through that can help you more.

[herself]

I would strongly strongly strongly advise you to stop now.

Friendship love is often confused with romantic love from a guys perspective.

 

But also....I had a best guy friend for 13 years. The lines got crossed, not with sex, but with emotional talk, long hugs, and friendly platinic chats grew into sexting etc many years down the line.

 

Since neither of us were free, it really REALLY messed up our friendship & created alot if hurt & confusion leading to arguments & finally a fatal friendship breakup.

 

We dont/cant even speak now, it wasn't worth it to lose a close platonic bond.

Its like we're strangers now.

 

Dont cross the line, i wouldnt have a real serious talk about it, but a more lightweight casual.chat and laugh it off. Get your brain in check, get a little distance & boundaries, and keep the friendship. It was just one kiss. You can recover from that & save your friendship but do not go there again. Have you met his gf?

If not....do so...make her more real & tangible, put a face to the name & it will help you keep it all in perspective.

[hermit]

Dear Imtoocofused. Thank you so much for your message, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to reply and give some advice. I am still at a loss as to what to do. After not having heard from him for about 40 hours, I texted him yesterday to ask whether he was going to an event which I knew he might be at, and he said yes. I said I might go and he replied with 'hopefully see you there'. I went and sat next to him and we were behaving just like we'd always done before all this had happened, just laughing and light-hearted banter (maybe just the habit of the past few years?) There were other aquaintances of ours around, so though there were no obvious displays of affection (apart from the odd touch on the arm and hugs when saying goodbye) I don't know whether this was purely to hide what had been/ is happening, or that he's no longer interested.

In the first instance I was just so happy and relieved that we are still able to talk and laugh together. However, I've been gradually becoming more and more depressed about the whole thing again throughout today. I haven't heard a word from him (the last few weeks he was texting me pretty much every day). And this evening I was his side of town for work and by complete coincidence saw his girlfriend walk in the direction of his house. I was shocked at how this made me well up with tears immediately.

What I forgot to mention in my initial post is that after he'd kissed me, I told him that what we were doing was bad and that maybe he should go and see his girlfriend now, to which he replied, yes, maybe he should. Also, he is on the autism spectrum, and this is another reason why I'm unsure how to handle this whole situation.

[hermit]

Dear Imtoocofused and herself, thank you so much for your messages, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to reply and give some advice. I am still at a loss as to what to do. So far, I've been going down the 'lighthearted' route... After not having heard from him for about 40 hours, I texted him yesterday to ask whether he was going to an event which I knew he might be at, and he said yes. I said I might go and he replied with 'hopefully see you there'. I went, and sat next to him and we were behaving just like we'd always done before all this had happened, just laughing and light-hearted banter (maybe just the habit of the past few years?) There were other aquaintances of ours around, so though there were no obvious displays of affection (apart from the odd touch on the arm and hugs when saying goodbye) I don't know whether this was purely to hide what had been/ is happening, or that he's no longer interested in more and has just easily reverted to the original friendship.

In the first instance I was just so happy and relieved that we are still able to talk and laugh together. However, I've been gradually becoming more and more depressed about the whole thing again throughout today. I haven't heard a word from him (the last few weeks he was texting me pretty much every day). And this evening I was his side of town for work and by complete coincidence saw his girlfriend walk in the direction of his house. I was shocked at how this made me well up with tears immediately.

What I forgot to mention in my initial post is that after he'd kissed me, I told him that what we were doing was bad and that maybe he should go and see his girlfriend now, to which he replied, yes, maybe he should. Also, he is on the autism spectrum, and this is another reason why I'm unsure how to handle this whole situation.

Edited February 4, 2014 by hermit

[imtooconfused]

And this evening I was his side of town for work and by complete coincidence saw his girlfriend walk in the direction of his house. I was shocked at how this made me well up with tears immediately.

 

This is why this is such a messy situation and it will be hard to get yourself out of it. I really have a lot of compassion for you and the journey you will be going through.

 

Also, he is on the autism spectrum, and this is another reason why I'm unsure how to handle this whole situation.

 

This is a big game changer and I don't really know how to approach this. I will assume that he is highly functional and I don't want to prejudge anyone. But isn't it extremely hard to judge emotional maturity for someone like this? Does he have the capability of understand right and wrong in this situation?

[imtooconfused]

Friendship love is often confused with romantic love from a guys perspective.

 

As can be seen from the OP, women can confuse the two as well. I'm not judging, just pointing out the similarity.

 

And that's principally why I feel that it's almost impossible for a man and a woman to be 'friends' without being partners.

[hermit]

This is a big game changer and I don't really know how to approach this. I will assume that he is highly functional and I don't want to prejudge anyone. But isn't it extremely hard to judge emotional maturity for someone like this? Does he have the capability of understand right and wrong in this situation?

 

In the past it has occurred to me that he seems to treat his girlfriends no different to his female platonic friends, but more in a sense of treating his girlfriends in a platonic manner rather than vice versa. But yes, that's the thing, I'm wondering whether in this case I actually need to say something, if there is a chance that he doesn't realize what he's doing to people emotionally (hence me telling him what we were doing was bad) and if it would actually damage the friendship more if I didn't. On a purely platonic basis he is great company (although not everyone would agree on this), I find him an extremely affectionate, articulate and intelligent person, as I said, one of my dearest friends.

[hermit]

I still haven't heard from him.... Apart from feeling heartbroken I am also worried whether I should be doing something...? Any AS people or those who have experience with AS friends/ partners? Is there a chance that his behaviour has something to do with it, and is it possible that he's afraid of contact now - or is he just like any other player? I mean, is it my duty as a friend to reach out to him now and explain my feelings, or would that just make things worse? I just want to do the right thing, anything to make us be ok and able to talk to each other again...

[Selkie Girl]

Hi - I suspect it might be an idea for you to try and broach the subject and clear the air with him, for both your sakes. Figure out what each of you want. It sounds as if you would like to take things further on an intimate level. I don't know too much about aspergers/autism, and I don't know how far along this spectrum he is ... however, you saying to him that what you were doing together was 'bad' is something he may have taken quite literally, and so decided to back off. As for game-playing/manipulation - I'm sure that is a trait that really figures too highly in the psychological make-up of people with autism. However, I could be wrong about that . . . I suggest it might be also worth your while approaching an autism forum and asking advice there. All the best! :-)