So, I know I'm going to die alone...

[Inflikted]

I find myself wondering how to properly deal with that fact. As much as I would like to believe otherwise, the fact remains that I'm uninteresting, unappealing, and unattractive to people, in general; heck, I can't even make friends, let alone date. On top of that, it's rare for me to even be attracted to a girl; in my entire life, I've only ever wanted to date two girls, and neither reciprocated even the slightest interest in me. Now I'm moving into my late 20s, here, and I think it's time for me to start seeing the writing on the wall.

 

Thing is, my main three "goals" to have a happy life in the future have always been (in no particular order): 1) Find an enjoyable career, 2) Have a social circle, and 3) Find an awesome girl to settle down with. I always figured that if I could have at least two out of three of those things, I could at least be okay.

 

After a lot of wasted time, I'm finally on a good path for my career, and I'm happy about that. But the loneliness from my lack of social life and lack of love life is so overwhelming that it just constantly makes me feel miserable. It's a weird sort of feeling, because I'm genuinely happy about one aspect of my life (my career direction), but I feel completely miserable about everything else.

 

I just don't really know how to deal with it anymore, at this point. I just constantly feel bummed out about how alone I am, and how I have to deal with that for the next 30-40 years until I die.

[TaraMaiden]

Hard as it may be to believe, we all have to die alone; no matter how many people we have surrounding us, when our time comes, we have to go through it in complete isolation.

 

If you don't want to be ON your own, when you die, then, sorry.

Only you can change that....

Your problem is that you're looking for outside validation to make you happy.

Happiness - and the serenity and contentment thereby attached - are up to you, to achieve, they're not obtainable outside of yourself.

 

I spoke to a woman some time ago, who lost her husband through cancer, her daughter left home a few years earlier and has never been heard of or seen since, she has a slowly debilitating and crippling illness which will one day prove fatal, and about a year ago, she lost everything she possessed - including her pet - in a house-fire.

 

She no longer works, and but may have her disability allowance reduced because according to a new government legislative move, she may not be 'classified' as unfit for work.

Her transportation has broken down and she can't afford to fix it.

I have never met a more contented or serene woman in my life.

She refuses to be put down or wallow.

 

 

I'm sorry, but if you pin your hopes of happiness onto things which don't last forever, in any case, your own peace of mind will be short-lived, anyway.

[carhill]

Living alone is something we all deal with and have choices about. We don't have to live alone. We can choose to. So far, from what I've seen, we all die alone. As much as I might wanted to have accompanied a person I loved who's died, I couldn't. It wasn't possible. They died alone. I will too. So will you. Between now and then, make the best of the choices you have.

 

Of my roughly 37 years of adult life, I've lived alone for about 26 of them, so I know a bit about living alone. Also been married so know a little about that. Tip: There's no nirvana, just life. Good luck.

[TaraMaiden]

...I just constantly feel bummed out about how alone I am, and how I have to deal with that for the next 30-40 years until I die.

 

Can you tell me how you can even guarantee you actually HAVE that long?

 

This is a presumption you are making.

In the same frame of mind, I guess, as those who climbed one of the twin towers in September 2011, to go to work, on an ordinary day in an ordinary New York....

 

You HAVE no guarantees.

 

With that in mind, instead of resenting my posts and getting mad, because you don't want truth, you want sympathy (*ducks*) believe me, you actually have it.....

 

But our 'tea and sympathy' will not advance your dilemma one inch.

 

So what can you DO actually?

And how can you be motivated to get it done?

[TaraMaiden]

Tip: There's no nirvana, just life. Good luck.

 

Good post, Carhill, except, there IS Nirvana: because it's not a Place. It's a State of Consciousness.

[carhill]

"imperturbable stillness of mind after the fires of desire, aversion, and delusion have been finally extinguished"

 

Doubt any of us, particularly the OP, will ever reach nirvana, so, for us, it doesn't exist. If your belief system enables the journey, good for you.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm about a third of the way there.

 

The trouble is, you never know just how 'long' a third is.....

 

[KathyM]

Late 20s is still young. You've gotten your career on the right path. Now you can work on your social skills and becoming more social. Those are skills that can be learned, either through practice, through reading/learning, or through coaching by someone who does that for a living. I would suggest the dating coach as a first thing, who could also teach you better social skills in general. He would also give you advice on what you could do to improve your appearance, the way you dress, the way you talk, conversational skills, etc. Learn the skills, as a first thing, and then go out and practice them. There are plenty of places to be social: interest groups, meetup groups, sports, etc. You could volunteer for some good cause.

[Elias33]

You just can't know what the future brings, so speculating whether you are going to be alone or not makes little sense. It does you no good.

 

If you are going to speculate, why not assume that you will die happy, and that you'll get a full-filling relationship, while being full of self-love. At least you have something to look forward to, and maybe you'll even get to be right. But that is a toss up no matter who you are or what you think of yourself.

 

Words of wisdom I have held on to over the years, if you want it, you have to become it first. Be what you want to have. If you sit at home hating on yourself, feeling low, who would want that in a partner? Instead see yourself as perfect, the way you were supposed to be. Without looking for judgement from others, even if that judgement is positive.

 

You will change your path this way. You just don't get to see it yet. Stay strong, be brave, and love yourself. Tell yourself this everyday when you wake up.

 

Good luck.

[nebulae]

Life never turns out the way some of us hope or plan for it to. I never thought I'd be in the situation i'm in, or gone through everything I have but I just have to accept it and find joy and happiness in the little things. I've sort of accepted I may never find someone, get married or have children but I have to find other things to focus on to keep me happy otherwise life wouldn't be worth living. You have to deal with the cards you are dealt as best as you can, some get lucky and get most of what they want, others aren't so lucky. Just try and find joy in your life no matter how small, it's better than nothing.

[Inflikted]

No offense, TaraMaiden, but you took the phrase "die alone" a bit more literally than I meant it to be. I was just using it in the common figure of speech connotation. If the phrasing is really that important, then fine, what I meant was that I'll die never getting to have known what it's like to have people in my life.

 

So what can you DO actually?

And how can you be motivated to get it done?

 

I don't know, and that's a big part of the problem.

 

Late 20s is still young.

 

Is it, though? People keep saying that, but at what point does that stop being true? I look around at the people around me, and all I can think about is how it's too late for me. I should've learned how to be social a long time ago. I should've learned how to have friends, I should've been dating, I should've done all of that long ago, and now I'm at a point where it's just too late, and I can't catch on. People have these nice happy social circles that always provide them with people to spend time with, people are dating and getting engaged/ married, etc., and I'm just here on the outside looking in, unable to make any progress with people whatsoever.

 

You've gotten your career on the right path. Now you can work on your social skills and becoming more social. Those are skills that can be learned, either through practice, through reading/learning, or through coaching by someone who does that for a living. I would suggest the dating coach as a first thing, who could also teach you better social skills in general. He would also give you advice on what you could do to improve your appearance, the way you dress, the way you talk, conversational skills, etc. Learn the skills, as a first thing, and then go out and practice them. There are plenty of places to be social: interest groups, meetup groups, sports, etc. You could volunteer for some good cause.

 

I've been trying to "practice" with people for several years, now, and I don't really feel any better off. I even took a class at a community college once on friendship, dating, and interpersonal relationships, and didn't really walk away from it with anything valuable.

 

The idea of a dating coach seems a bit... odd, to me, and I wouldn't know how to even go about finding that kind of thing. Not to mention, I simply don't have the money to pay for that kind of service. While I now have a good idea of what I want my career to be and am taking steps towards it, it will probably still be a number of years before I'm actually making a decent living. Right now, I just have enough income to scrape by, I'm afraid.

 

If you are going to speculate, why not assume that you will die happy, and that you'll get a full-filling relationship, while being full of self-love. At least you have something to look forward to, and maybe you'll even get to be right. But that is a toss up no matter who you are or what you think of yourself.

 

Well, because I've seen enough failure and enough rough patches during my life to have shaped me into a very pessimistic person. My entire life has pretty much been one failure after another, every time I hope or dream for something, the world promptly squashes that dream in some way. No matter how hard I've worked in the past, no matter how driven I've been, I've always failed (or at least, didn't succeed) in everything that's mattered to me. With that kind of past, how can I be optimistic for the future? I'm tired of getting my hopes up and then having them crushed later on.

 

Words of wisdom I have held on to over the years, if you want it, you have to become it first. Be what you want to have. If you sit at home hating on yourself, feeling low, who would want that in a partner? Instead see yourself as perfect, the way you were supposed to be. Without looking for judgement from others, even if that judgement is positive.

 

You will change your path this way. You just don't get to see it yet. Stay strong, be brave, and love yourself. Tell yourself this everyday when you wake up.

 

There have been times where I tried to will myself to believe that kind of thing. It never seemed to lead me anywhere, though, and my pessimistic nature always kicks in and I lose sight of that.

 

Life never turns out the way some of us hope or plan for it to. I never thought I'd be in the situation i'm in, or gone through everything I have but I just have to accept it and find joy and happiness in the little things. I've sort of accepted I may never find someone, get married or have children but I have to find other things to focus on to keep me happy otherwise life wouldn't be worth living. You have to deal with the cards you are dealt as best as you can, some get lucky and get most of what they want, others aren't so lucky. Just try and find joy in your life no matter how small, it's better than nothing.

 

Yeah, I know, I just... I can't seem to figure out how to quell my desires for human companionship. I'm not trying to seek validation from external sources, I just wish I knew what if felt like to have people in my life. I wish I knew what it felt like to have people around that cared about me, people I could talk to about stuff, people I could take comfort in, people I could go places and do things with, go on adventures with. It'd be nice to know what it's like to find a girl I connect with, a girl I can go on dates with, a girl I can share my life with, a girl I can experience intimacy with. These are pretty normal things that most people are perfectly able to experience multiple times over in their lives, and yet, I can't do any of it even once.

 

That loneliness, that sadness, it's got such a strong grip on me that nothing else can really lift my spirits. With my loneliness and sadness, every bit of happiness I do feel here and there is very fleeting, very temporary. My desire for human companionship is so strong that I just can't get over my inability to experience it.

[pteromom]

Well, because I've seen enough failure and enough rough patches during my life to have shaped me into a very pessimistic person. My entire life has pretty much been one failure after another, every time I hope or dream for something, the world promptly squashes that dream in some way. No matter how hard I've worked in the past, no matter how driven I've been, I've always failed (or at least, didn't succeed) in everything that's mattered to me. With that kind of past, how can I be optimistic for the future? I'm tired of getting my hopes up and then having them crushed later on.

 

That's not true. You said your career is going well, right? And I assume you are healthy and safe and that you have a home and food?

 

You haven't failed in everything, but you are choosing to define yourself in that way.

 

Optimism isn't about having everything go well for you anyway. It's about being grateful for what you do have, and choosing to consider that things just may turn out great. It's about seeing the beauty in life all around us. It's about living from the inside out instead of the outside in - you defining yourself rather than letting the world or society dictate who you are.

 

Not that you can just go - POOF - I am an optimist! But it really is about learning to think a different way.

 

And getting your hopes up is never a good thing. Always try your best, but always understand that the outcome is not entirely within your control.

 

 

Yeah, I know, I just... I can't seem to figure out how to quell my desires for human companionship. I'm not trying to seek validation from external sources, I just wish I knew what if felt like to have people in my life. I wish I knew what it felt like to have people around that cared about me, people I could talk to about stuff, people I could take comfort in, people I could go places and do things with, go on adventures with. It'd be nice to know what it's like to find a girl I connect with, a girl I can go on dates with, a girl I can share my life with, a girl I can experience intimacy with. These are pretty normal things that most people are perfectly able to experience multiple times over in their lives, and yet, I can't do any of it even once.

 

The fact that you tried taking a class and have tried practicing socializing is a good sign for you. It means you aren't just sitting in the corner moping, but you are willing to TRY. You just don't know what to try.

 

A "life coach" may sound like a silly idea, but it may be just what you need. Someone to help you challenge your beliefs and thinking, and to point out the obstacles in your way. Because you sound like a perfectly nice, intelligent person who would have no problem meeting people. There could be one habit or mannerism you have that just completely puts people off, and if you fix that, your problems would be solved (or at least on the way to solved.)

 

My desire for human companionship is so strong that I just can't get over my inability to experience it.

 

I don't believe there is anything strange or wrong in that. We all want to be connected.

[Salvatore85]

I was in a 5-year relationship with a female, who for the major part of our time together was my bestfriend as well. Needless to say we broke up a year ago and the last year of the relationship was a living hell for me. She became a different person and was an absolute nightmare to be around and live with. I wanted to kill myself more times while with her that last year than I ever had in my entire life.

 

Basically what I'm saying is you need to make you happy. Thinking companionship will suddenly make your life complete is wrong. Often times it can go bad and seems to now, much more so than ever before. If you do meet someone consider it an added bonus but don't allow the search to consume your life. Do the things you've always wanted to do because when you do meet someone else there's a good chance that you won't be able to anymore.

[Inflikted]

That's not true. You said your career is going well, right? And I assume you are healthy and safe and that you have a home and food?

 

You haven't failed in everything, but you are choosing to define yourself in that way.

 

Eh. By "going well", I basically mean that after years of having no clue what I wanted to do with my life, I finally know, and I've started focusing my education towards it. I mean, yeah, it's nice to finally have some direction, but I have no idea how successful I'll be, or how soon I can even expect to have an entry level gig. Could be years.

 

Honestly, as for everything else, I'm pretty much scraping by. I have a crappy part time job that barely pays me enough money to get by. I still live at home with my parents because I can't afford anything else.

 

So, I guess it's nice to at least know what I want to do with my life, but I'm really not happy with anything else. I have a job that I hate, I'm still stuck at home living with my parents, I have no friends, no chance at having an awesome girlfriend, and who knows when, or even if, I'll see any real success with my career ambitions...

 

The fact that you tried taking a class and have tried practicing socializing is a good sign for you. It means you aren't just sitting in the corner moping, but you are willing to TRY. You just don't know what to try.

 

Heh, well... To be fair, after failing so many times with my endeavors, I've gotten to a point where I pretty much AM just sitting in a corner moping. Truth be told, I've reached a point where I just feel so... apathetic about life, about everything.

 

I see so many people around me advancing their lives in such great ways... I watch as people around me break into the careers they're looking for, I see people expressing how much they love their friends, I see people falling in love, etc. This last year, especially, I've noticed that so many people around me have been having good years, getting great jobs, getting engaged, and whatnot. And I feel like I'm just sitting here while life completely passes me by. I'm starting to reach a point where I'm ready to just give up, and just accept that life is passing me by, that my life is pretty much a total waste. I'm feeling more and more disconnected from everyone and everything, and that's really sad to me.

 

I was in a 5-year relationship with a female, who for the major part of our time together was my bestfriend as well. Needless to say we broke up a year ago and the last year of the relationship was a living hell for me. She became a different person and was an absolute nightmare to be around and live with. I wanted to kill myself more times while with her that last year than I ever had in my entire life.

 

Basically what I'm saying is you need to make you happy. Thinking companionship will suddenly make your life complete is wrong. Often times it can go bad and seems to now, much more so than ever before. If you do meet someone consider it an added bonus but don't allow the search to consume your life. Do the things you've always wanted to do because when you do meet someone else there's a good chance that you won't be able to anymore.

 

Eh... I mean, no offense, or anything, but I can't really buy into it when someone tries to say "Dating isn't all it's cracked up to be, don't worry about never having experienced it". Yeah, I'm sure a bad breakup is very unpleasant and depressing, but it kind of sucks to just never know what it's like to be with someone period, you know?

 

I have to admit, I really miss the last girl I had feelings for. Even though we never dated, I cared about her so much, and we always just seemed like such a good match for each other in my eyes. The way we talked, the way we joked with each other, the way we felt about the world and so many different things... The chemistry was so amazing and natural, and I've never felt anything like it before. To this day, I still think about her a lot, and it brings me so much pain to know that it just didn't happen.

[SYLLPalmer]

Eh... I mean, no offense, or anything, but I can't really buy into it when someone tries to say "Dating isn't all it's cracked up to be, don't worry about never having experienced it". Yeah, I'm sure a bad breakup is very unpleasant and depressing, but it kind of sucks to just never know what it's like to be with someone period, you know?

 

 

OLD dating dude. Meetup.com. You are not a social paralytic. You are very articulate. Humans are "heard" animals. We need each other. Studies in primates show that infant monkeys under situations of deprivation will forgo everything for a surrogate mother. I have no idea why the world denies this and places the burden on the lonely. The best thing we can do is support you. I feel your pain. I really do. So get cracking and we on LS will support you.

 

I will advise you not judge your insides by other peoples outsides. True there are tons of people out there with stellar lives but using what they have as a standard for yourself will only hurt. The species is evolving and certain types of people don't fit the main frame. This may sound morbid but what it MEANS is you can't pay the price that fitting in carries. Neither can I.

 

You have to build a frame of reference for your mind in this world and prevent it from reflecting back at you all of the things that others seemingly have. The **** hits the fan for the vast majority of us sooner or later.

 

Lastly, the human race is undergoing the greatest social movement of its existence. A lot of people are falling threw the cracks. Real life is not what it seems and you can find comfort and friendship and even dates on line now a days. So tap into it and forget about keeping up with the Jones.

[Inflikted]

I've tried online dating a number of times over the years. In fact, by this point, I'd estimate that I've tried to contact nearly a hundred women over the years on different dating sites. Almost none ever wrote me back, and the few that did only wrote me once or twice and then cut communication.

 

Honestly, I'm not a fan of online dating. I never really feel attracted to a girl based on a written profile; pretty much all of the girls I've written to was just me telling myself "Just find a few girls that seem good enough and write them just for the heck of it". For the most part, I tend to just sift through profiles, not really finding anything that catches my eye or piques my interest in any way.

 

It just really doesn't seem any "easier" or "more effective" way at meeting girls and getting dates, to me. It's just as much of a pain as trying to meet girls in person that I'm attracted to.

 

That's kind of one thing that really bothers me is that my sense of attraction is pretty narrow. I've met plenty of girls over the years, and I just never really feel personally attracted to them enough to even want to ask them out. The two girls I have been attracted to, though, I was way head over heels for them and the thought of dating them was very fun and exciting to me. That's kind of what I want to feel... I don't want to date girls that I'm not feeling very excited about and hope that I can "learn to love" them, yanno? But having only ever been attracted to two girls (neither of which I actually even dated), that just seems like a pretty bad precedent to me.

 

And unfortunately, I can't just stop being attracted to what I'm attracted to (nor can I stop myself from finding unattractive qualities to be unattractive), so I don't really know where that leaves me.

[Disillusioned]

Hell, I don't care if I die alone. At least after I'm dead I'll never be lonely because it won't be possible!

[Elias33]

Your mindset should not be based on what is in your past, if you don't want your future to be like your past.

 

Don't let pessimistic thoughts decide who you are. Learn new things, visit a gym, throw yourself out there. You'll find that you may meet new people, or even an entire new outlook on life.

 

You owe it to yourself.

[SYLLPalmer]

Hell, I don't care if I die alone. At least after I'm dead I'll never be lonely because it won't be possible!

The part that only started to bug me recently is the day to day of being elderly and isolated. Could be years of waking up to nothing and THAT scares me. Also I hate the idea of being "discovered" dripping through the floor boards. Why? Because I loved it here and I contributed. I would like my send off to be similar to my receiving. A mate increases surface area contact with the world and that feels right. Unfortunately this is not always a choice. We are just instructed to make hay while the suns to avoid a lonely death at ANY cost. Hence marriage and kids. What a ridiculous mess.

[pteromom]

But having only ever been attracted to two girls (neither of which I actually even dated), that just seems like a pretty bad precedent to me.

 

Yeah, but that doesn't mean "give up". It means you have to expand the number of women you meet and come into contact with so you have a greater chance of meeting #3.

 

Online dating sucks. It's true. But it's another avenue to meet people, and you just never know.

 

Join clubs. Get involved in a hobby that is social. You just gotta get out of the corner and get back out there and keep trying.

[winny]

Am not much worried about dying alone.... rather living alone... till I die...

[InnocentMan]

There's people trapped in loveless relationships/ marriages that would kill to be in your position. All that free time you waste thinking of what you don't have, try thinking what you do have. Precious time to do as you please.

 

Read a book, then read another book, then another. After that, learn an instrument, learn to speak Chinese, go help some homeless people, save some animals. There is so much more to life than the illusion of this wonderful social life you picture, with the perfect partner.

 

The more stuff you actually do, the more chance you will have of being remotely satisfied. You're not attracted to many people because you have this ideal of a perfect lifestyle. Life just isn't like that. Talk to a woman you don't find attractive. You might just be surprised.

[Targetlock]

There is no such thing as a certainty, you never know what life may bring around the corner. a defeatist attitude is easy but never gets you anywhere, if something isn't working, try something else!!

Its all too easy to give up i know but all the best things in life take effort! everybody is a somebody not a nobody. best of luck

[Inflikted]

Yeah, but that doesn't mean "give up". It means you have to expand the number of women you meet and come into contact with so you have a greater chance of meeting #3.

 

I guess, I just... I don't know how to, well, do whatever the opposite of "giving up" is. At this point, I have absolutely no faith that I can have people in my life, let alone meet a great girl that I can be with. And with no faith comes a very apathetic outlook on life. I pretty much find myself constantly asking "Why bother?" with pretty much everything I do, these days.

 

Join clubs. Get involved in a hobby that is social. You just gotta get out of the corner and get back out there and keep trying.

 

Yeah, I just have a hard time finding things that would be both enjoyable to me, and would get me out of the house meeting people. I find that my interest level in most things has been pretty low for a while now.

 

Talk to a woman you don't find attractive. You might just be surprised.

 

It's not that I go out of my way to avoid communication with anyone. I try to be nice and friendly with everyone I meet, and I don't "dislike" most women I meet, I simply never feel anything that makes me think "I'd like to go on a date with her".

[Beast_117]

I've felt like that since I was like 15. I'm 22 now and sure enough I'm the only one in my group of friends that hasn't even kissed a girl,still a virgin, no gf ever. You get used to it though..or at least I did...I mean I used to dwell on this far more in my late teens than I do now. It would literally consume my thoughts.

 

It's gotten to the point that my friends don't even call me anymore or hang out with me..they know I don't fit in with them anymore. They go out any party and have gf's,etc. Mean while I prefer to just stay home and play video games or watch movies. Oh well though I prfer the way I am now to the partiers/drug abusers they've become.