dream2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Being married for 1year and a half, I imagined it will be for the rest of my life. the situation is: there are problems and I am confused regarding if these are really problems that are leading to a divorce - because I started to want one, and I'm confused. Evene before marriage, he complained about his attraction for me being somehow vanished. Most of the time, the reason for him was that I wasn't paying enough attention to his needs for physical beauty (going more often to the gym for example was always a very big issue for us). I must mention I am not in a bad physical shape at all - (1.73cm and 63kg) we had really big fights over this 'going to the gym' subject. Problem was that I WAS going to the gym, but sometimes because of a very busy work schedule (working from 8-9am until 9pm with a 2-3 hour lunch break) I interrupted this. Not paying enough attention to his needs led to a lack of sexual life. Now, he says his doesn'f feel like making love to me anymore and he needs to motivate himself to feel so. But he loves me "in a very personalized way", like a sister. He knows I'm pretty and so, but something is gone from his mind. We want to have children...how could we do that? he has infertility problems, and in the past half year some problems occured to me as well. I'm almost 36, and soon my ovarian reserve (AMH) will be too small to even think about conceiving. Doctors said that we need to think about IVF or similar, my husband says we would force nature and that he is conerned about the way our relationship is going, that perhaps trying to do this is not a good ideea. Soon, I won't be able to do even IVF with my AMH... Other than that, he really tryes...acting nice and being a good man. He is very religious and he says he wouldn't divorce unless is my ultimate wish. He is a very good man. we tried to make it work..we don;t fight..we are just in this situation and for me it looks like a dead-end. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 What's really a situation for divorce? When one or both people realize they have no interest in resolving relationship-related feelings and factors which are within each person's control. In such situations, the marriage has fundamentally and through the actions of one or both parties broken down. In your M, infertility could be a challenge you both face. How you each feel about that and choose to process those feelings and act on those processes defines what really is, or is not, a situation for divorce, as one example. It's a relationship challenge that can bring couple together or tear them apart. Each couple is unique so, hence, the process and result will be unique to them. The same potentials obtain regarding his apparent lack of sexual desire. His feelings are valid and he has choices as to how they are processed and resolved through actions. He chooses. If he says 'I'm not feeling it anymore', that's one answer of many potential answers. He's choosing that answer. It probably sounds cliche but I recommend marital counseling (MC). If nothing else, it can help with processing and create a more amicable environment for a divorce, should that be the decision you and/or he reaches. Good luck and welcome to LS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dream2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 Thank you so much for your advice carhill. It really puts me into thinking. We both have tried and wanted to resolve problems - but it seems we only wanted to a point. he says attraction can't be asked for or negotiated and once it's gone, it is hard to get it back.. I feel it's too soon for such thing - and it's so painfull to hear these things over and over again. I feel he wants to keep going, but he is unhappy physically. and I am too.. Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Okay, when I was reading the first part of your story, I was thinking he was shallow for wanting you to go to the gym and only wanted a 'trophy wife' if looks are that important to him to have sex. Then you started talking about infertility issues and it kind of made sense to me. (Now stop me if I start saying something out of line, because I don't know him like you do and I'm just doing a wild guess here) Ever heard the quote "How you treat others is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself"? It seems to me that his lack of attraction for you is a reflection of his disappointment in himself because of his inability to give you a child. Can I ask, have you talking about children a lot? Have you been subtly (or maybe subconsciously) been putting too much pressure on making a family because you feel like your clock is ticking? Because those two together (pressure to conceive + infertility) could really kill anyone's sex drive. Maybe for some people physical attraction is the only motivation to have sex, however it's not something I believe in. I wasn't physically attracted to my ex (I'm one of those who go for personalty, lol) but it didn't stop me from having sex with him and we were together for 11 years. But whether my guesses are correct or not, I think MC is a good option. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dream2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 Thank you so much strive! This problem started after about half year into our relationship, when children were not even in discussion. we are together for 4 years now, married for 1year and 1/2. I really think for some people physical condition is a big reasons for loving/liking/having sex. I;m not in a bad shape at all, really. I'm a good looking tall, somehow slim girl. I'm not looking for excuses for being so frustrated. I juts try to understand. Sometimes I feel like I;m about to dump a good man and not solve a problem. Other times I feel like there's nothing to be solved, and that I can't deal with this for the rest of my life _ I wil surely gain weight in time and change my looks and if this is going on now, later I guess it will be worse. He has a beautiful character, he is a wonderful man. I am afraid of being divorced, for sure I won't meet anyone like him. but I hope I'll meet somehow twho desires me and likes me and looks at me like you look at a woman, not a dear sister. So I'm very much confused and I feel time is running fast and I really want to be a mother... Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 @OP..... Do your want the blunt answer or the alternative (what you want to hear)? From your account of the status quo....it will seem to me that the relationship you two have has been based on infatuation and fluff. This is not a solid foundation onto which a relationship should be built. Think of a house with sand as the foundation ingredient Here is what am hearing... 1. you've had fights 2. he now sees you as a "sister" 3. he is not aroused by you 4. the gym is big for him, you not so much 5. you have your own medical concerns Now kids.....with all the above, DO NOT EVEN THINK OF INTRODUCING KIDS INTO THAT MIX...won't be fair Find someone you have stuff in common with i.e. hobbies/interests etc, and one that appreciates you for who you are, and you for who they are. MUTUAL RESPECT.....good luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dream2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 thank you Tayken!!! sometimes is so good when someone shakes you up and points what you need to see... being caught up in one's own problems, it's hard to have clarity, it al revolves around same thoughts, again and again... we don't fight anymore, we're a good couple (apparently it seems) Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 OP you are almost 36? I'm confused. You come across as socially healthy, intelligent, articulate. BUT...you married even though there were big red flags beforehand? Send yourself to the corner. I sure hope you didn't get married because the biological clock was running out...this was a foolish sidetrack in life that probably took away forever from that goal instead of achieving it. I also hope you were 100% honest with your husband...you were madly in love with him and didn't just see him as 'Ok' at this stage of your life as a father. Sorry, but it is a mess if your own doing. You need to clean it up. On the positive side you are now asking the right questions. You are not 'stuck' but seem capable of moving on if necessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dream2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 ...yes....it's like putting a mirror in front of me with an image it hurts seeing... when entering the relationship I was after a long time of solitude and some dissapointments. I was really commited to find myself a good man and settle down, I wanted so much to have a good, lasting relationship. first months were beautiful. both from the same city, parents knowing each other, wonderful man, great character, I fell in love. there were some significant differences as well: me, an artist, loving to work and my work, he - with a very conservative approach to life and woman's place. I always thought I should let things go and compromise, I felt I'm at an age when family matters most, carreer ambitions less so I gave up contracts. I really do feel that a some point in life you have to choose and you'd better choose the ones you love, it's far more valuable. and then the fights started. if you'd listen to him, he's very much in his own way. he'd say I'm stubborn, that I didn't take into account what matters most to him (gym, beautiful woman next to him, attraction). I'd say I really tried (done my hair, wear nice clothes for him, go to the gym when my time allowed me etc). the problem is we ended up here - no fights, and no attraction left from his side. he tries though. Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 You have a clarity of where your relationship is at. Fortunately the two of you may be able to be dissolve your marriage in a civilized manner it that is decided. Ask yourself. What is the most important thing in the world to you? Is it having a child? Raising that child in a loving relationship? The stats on female fertility are not as positive in over 35 women as the media makes out. Not my area as a nurse but there really is a sense of urgency in your predicament. Usually people are advised to step back and take some time in making major life decisions. You don't have that luxury at 35. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband now. Not just the talk but THE talk. If you keep together...great...but you need to be 100% certain and not just 'let's give it a try'. That's if you are still hoping to be a mother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 He has a beautiful character, he is a wonderful man. I am afraid of being divorced, for sure I won't meet anyone like him. This is NOT a reason to stay married. You deserve a man who is going to love and adore you, respect you, desire you, need you on ALL levels. Sadly and unfortunately your husband sees you as his 'sister' and isn't overly attracted to you. This is not your fault, it seems he was feeling this way before he married you. If you stay married, he is going to cheat on you eventually. Divorce him and heal, when the timing is right you will meet someone else who will be better suited for you. You love your H but he doesn't love you the way you want him. Sorry and I know this hurts you - But if you stay married you'll hurt much more as time goes on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 we don't fight anymore, we're a good couple OK...lets take the "we don't fight anymore" out of the equation, what about the remainder issues? Unless this guy has the sun shining out of his backside (which it doesn't sound like it), I think you will be doing yourself a huge favour by casting your net elsewhere 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dream2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 thank you all so much! My mother just woke me up - she couldn't sleep being worry - needing to talk to me straight about this situation. she also made some strong points. she said we need to decide and make a strong decision. she als said that a baby may come only if our minds are truly set, if our heart is only 50% in it won't happen. how to resuscitate that attraction to become a woman again in his eyes? if this has been going on for so long now, and we're so different. I tried things.. and so my mom decided that she will have a serious talk to both of us.. and we're 36 and 39 - moms are the best (I guess I'll do the same if needed and if God helps, I'll be a mom) Link to post Share on other sites
Author dream2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 You have a clarity of where your relationship is at. Fortunately the two of you may be able to be dissolve your marriage in a civilized manner it that is decided. Ask yourself. What is the most important thing in the world to you? Is it having a child? Raising that child in a loving relationship? The stats on female fertility are not as positive in over 35 women as the media makes out. Not my area as a nurse but there really is a sense of urgency in your predicament. Usually people are advised to step back and take some time in making major life decisions. You don't have that luxury at 35. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband now. Not just the talk but THE talk. If you keep together...great...but you need to be 100% certain and not just 'let's give it a try'. That's if you are still hoping to be a mother. Eau Claire, this is what I will do - thank you!! - this is what I have been advised by my mother as well. It is the first time she is taking a position in all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
RuralGuy Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 1) you don't have children 2) you want to have children 3) he has fertility problems (and you might have fertility problems) but he is unwilling to go through the medical procedures that might help work around those fertility problems How important is having children to you, that are biologically yours? If you end up being 50 years old, with no children, and no chance of grand children, how will you feel? Will your relationship with this man make up for how you will feel if you are childless? If he loves you like a sister then what happens when he runs across some other woman that he can love like he should love a wife? After years of being loved 'like a sister', what happens when you run across a man that can love you like a wife wants to be loved? If he wants to raise children with you, how does he feel about them being biologically someone else's children (because of his infertility problems)? How do you feel about having no sex with your husband for the rest of your life? (Love you like a sister, eh? In most families you don't have sex with your sister.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dream2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 I sometimes feel I am not realistic ...and I'm ashamed of asking others around me about this.. but is that ok for married couples to make love once a month?it happens during the "baby days" once or maybe twice. we are 35 and 38, married for 1year and 1/2, 4 yrs into relationship and most of the time at distance (he travels with work a lot, somtimes he was gone 4 days a week, sometimes we would see each other every 2 weeks or so). I feel like there isn;t the routine...it can't be...we should be missing each other and doing it more....or? I guess many people are having this problem Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 thank you all so much! My mother just woke me up - she couldn't sleep being worry - needing to talk to me straight about this situation. she also made some strong points. she said we need to decide and make a strong decision. she als said that a baby may come only if our minds are truly set, if our heart is only 50% in it won't happen. how to resuscitate that attraction to become a woman again in his eyes? if this has been going on for so long now, and we're so different. I tried things.. and so my mom decided that she will have a serious talk to both of us.. and we're 36 and 39 - moms are the best (I guess I'll do the same if needed and if God helps, I'll be a mom) That's ridiculous. Babies come because a sperm fertilizes an egg. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 There is a lot of focus on this thread about making babies in the face of fertility problems. It may not be the cause of the loss of interest by your husband, but this doesn't help... Turning lovemaking into a procedure by taking temperatures, reading pee sticks, scheduling on the calendar and visiting doctors for shots can take all of the intimacy out of what should be the most joyful part of a marriage. I went through something similar and begged her "Let's just go out dancing and get drunk that night?" but that wasn't gonna happen. Sex can become a chore and your partner the equivalent of a co-worker on a factory floor. It may be an exaggeration but it's not always healthy for the relationship itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dream2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Share Posted February 5, 2014 actually I think I manage not putting pressure - that's how I see what I've done for that: I explained him that's best during ovulation days, and that we should try more in a specific period. this was a while ago. and now he know without me telling him or reminding him that. he knows nothing of my ovulations tests etc. I even told him that I want to do it for pleasure, since we both have fertility problems and we might not be able to concieve at all. I just panicked recently when I saw my latest test that my AMH (ovarian reserve) is decreasing substantially and really fast, and I raised the subject since I might be running out of time - that would be to go get some help in clinics. my concern is that he said that we're forcing nature and maybe we are not meant to have kids and we weren't mean to get married either. in the meantime this attraction thing is going on for a long time now, before we even considered procreation. he said he is very visual and something happened in his mind that affected him, so sometimes he want to do it for the sake of procreation and just because he's tring his best to make things works. but he doesn't feel it anymore although he loves me, as a person, as a sister... it's a peaceful relationship, we don;t fight over things, but I feel I'm boiling inside and on the surface is all nice and sweet. I'm fed up with trying to make a man love me and want me... I feel his affection, but I want a real relationship, and of course, I very much want to be a Mom Link to post Share on other sites
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