clairbear Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 I have being doing some reading on here and have seen a few 'cliches' referred to that MM use or that are common in affairs- one of these being 'right person wrong time' which is something my MM said all the time to me. My question is is this just a meaningless line that he used on me and what are other common themes/ cliches in affairs? Any input would be greatly appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Ure my soulmate... I'll never find soneone like you.. No one has ever made me feel like this before .. No one will ever measure up to u .. Ever ever ever!!! Some of these we actually mean when we say then but in retrospect , I think I was just trying to keep him in the A Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) I think it means "If I never met & married my wife, I would be with you. I did meet & marry my wife, though, so it's redundant." I think most MM know that they will never leave their wives, so they tell OW this, hoping that she will feel loved by him. I think some MM genuinely mean these words, but his love for OW doesn't usually influence his choice to stay married. Many MM know how important Love & Feelings are to OW. He isn't able to provide her with real actions or tangible proof, so his words must be powerful and romantic. He knows he has to meet at least some of OW's needs in order for her to stick around. They hope that the declarations of love will keep OW in the affair, even though he's not leaving his marriage. This is how many OW get hurt. They do feel like MM truly loves them, and think that eventually he will leave the marriage. I think it's hard for some OW to understand that he can genuinely love her & still have no desire to divorce- they think, he loves me, he'll leave, when MM's not thinking that at all. Edited February 3, 2014 by Quiet Storm 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 I honestly don't think most of them are "lines". I think they mean them when they say them. The funny thing is, I have seen people post things that are things *I* have said in relationships before. They weren't lines or cliches. They were real and true feelings. So I'm not the only one that's ever said them. It doesn't make the feelings any less real or true. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author clairbear Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 I struggle tactful because I believe he means it but reading on here leads me to believe that it is all just BS! He also has a habit of backing off for a couple of weeks he deletes my email and number to try and stop himself from getting in touch- he is trying to do the right thing I suppose but it does hurt me- is this push pull, hot cold thing normal!? Thanks for the input :-) Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 is this push pull, hot cold thing normal!? It is a VERY common thing in affairs. VERY. It can suck and it can be hard, but the push/pull roller coaster thing can be very difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clairbear Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 It is a VERY common thing in affairs. VERY. It can suck and it can be hard, but the push/pull roller coaster thing can be very difficult. Do you know why they do it? It's driving me nuts!! Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Do you know why they do it? It's driving me nuts!! That probably varies with each situation. I'm a single OW so I only have guesses. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 This topic has been discussed here quite a bit, and while it is easy to dismiss things as cliche, the real thing is that there are commonalities that we use to describe certain situations. Just because they are repeated doesn't make them in less true. Is saying, "I love you." a cliche? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
proseandpassion Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Ure my soulmate... I'll never find soneone like you.. No one has ever made me feel like this before .. No one will ever measure up to u .. Ever ever ever!!! Some of these we actually mean when we say then but in retrospect , I think I was just trying to keep him in the A thank you for your honesty in admitting you were mostly trying to keep him in the A. My AP spouts off this sort of purple prose-y romantic stuff all the time, and I think he's mostly trying to keep me around. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 thank you for your honesty in admitting you were mostly trying to keep him in the A. My AP spouts off this sort of purple prose-y romantic stuff all the time, and I think he's mostly trying to keep me around. Why would you stay around if you genuinely feel that way? Link to post Share on other sites
proseandpassion Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Why would you stay around if you genuinely feel that way? I ask myself the same question constantly. I feel that way about half the time. Link to post Share on other sites
proseandpassion Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Why would you stay around if you genuinely feel that way? But honestly, I think I've been suspicious because it seems too good to be true. He started with the "I love you"s 2 months into our A. That I am his soulmate, that we have such a deep connection. Etc. It's just so "Affair 101" that I am skeptical. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 I have being doing some reading on here and have seen a few 'cliches' referred to that MM use or that are common in affairs- one of these being 'right person wrong time' which is something my MM said all the time to me. My question is is this just a meaningless line that he used on me and what are other common themes/ cliches in affairs? Any input would be greatly appreciated These aren't being used on me now, but I've heard them before.. My wife and I don't have sex anymore My wife and I are like brother and sister We sleep in separate rooms I'm just staying for the kids/grandkids My wife doesn't understand me I don't want to start over with nothing, I don't want to lose everything I've worked for My wife has depression (or any medical) problems and isn't interested in sex 1 Link to post Share on other sites
artdet Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 (edited) Here's how I look at sweet talking during an A relationship. In a normal relationship between a man and a woman, there are lots of things that help build up the foundation and bond the two. There are trust, a future together, everyday needs that can be desired and met, and if a family is formed, financial support, building a home and raising children together. Is any element in the above list present in an affair? Of course not. So what can an affair be build on? How do affair partners bond? Sweet talking, fantasy making and future faking. I've read in affair studies that APs tried so much harder on sweet talking than regular folks because they have nothing else to bond on, and therefore the emotional pull is usually stronger in an A relationship. The mind is a powerful thing. Everyone has the right to believe whatever their AP says, but I would really take all the sweet talk from an AP (man or woman) with a grain of salt. Edited February 4, 2014 by artdet Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Here's how I look at sweet talking during an A relationship. In a normal relationship between a man and a woman, there are lots of things that help build up the foundation and bond the two. There are trust, a future together, everyday needs that can be desired and met, and if a family is formed, financial support, building a home and raising children together. Another main ingredient: time. My WW swears up an down she "knew" the OM. To this day, even. "I know him. He wouldn't look at your Linkedin page." (even though it shows that he did.) They were acquaintances who spoke once in a blue moon before an 8-month affair that consisted mostly of electronic correspondence, a handful of sleep-overs and some lunch dates. You don't truly know a person, IMO, until you spend the time in their space, in their life. You only know what they want you to see, in an effort to make the most out of an hour, a night, or a weekend spent together away from their normal lives. Then it gets a nice little "love" label on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 These aren't being used on me now, but I've heard them before.. My wife and I don't have sex anymore My wife and I are like brother and sister We sleep in separate rooms I'm just staying for the kids/grandkids My wife doesn't understand me I don't want to start over with nothing, I don't want to lose everything I've worked for My wife has depression (or any medical) problems and isn't interested in sex These are heard a lot because they happen a lot. Many married couples do not have sex very often, if at all, those stereotypes come from some grain of truth. Many married couples turn into asexual couples as time goes on, some are content with that, others not so much. Many married couples sleep in separate rooms, for different reasons, sometimes that reason is avoidance of any intimacy. Some people really do stay for their kids/grandkids/families (just ask a lot of the BSs how much that weighed in on THEIR choice to stay with a cheater). Many couples grow apart as the years go by, another natural phenomenon that is well documented. Many people don't want to start over in their 40s, 50s, or later, and greatly hesitate at trying to start over so late in the game. Many people have mental health disorders or physical issues that can negatively affect their libido. These are all very standard and common things to happen in long term relationships of any sort. No, they don't happen in every relationship, but in many, hence the divorce rates of long term marriages. People separating after 20, 30, 40 years of marriage. Not everyone is able to just leave behind the demon that they know no matter how unhappy they are with it. At least they know it, are used to it, know how to function despite it. Sometimes it is just too intimidating to leave it behind and see what happens because some people know that nothing is a sure thing and the chances of these things happening in the next long term relationship are just as high as they were when they started the first long term relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
artdet Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Well you can build a relationship like any other if you are together for a long period but trust does not come into a marriage as you say above, where someone had an affair. I think trust is rather important and so is respect. So take that out of the equation and you don't have much support. An affair can be just as realistic dependent on how long and how much time you spend together. There are lots of affairs where more time is spent with the AP than the BS for instance. Sometimes there is more intimacy. what can an affair be built on, well love for a start what can a marriage be built on where there is no trust? Why would anyone marry someone for life if there is no trust? Trust is the foundation of all marriages, until it is deliberately broken by the WS and his or her AP. As for affairs, it would be hard to build trust with any MM/MW in an affair, after all these are people breaking their spouses' trust. As for love, if my partner won't give me a future, won't have kids with me, puts all his/her money and effort elsewhere, you can call it whatever you want, I call it sweet talk and free sex. Edited February 7, 2014 by artdet 2 Link to post Share on other sites
artdet Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Nobody can promise you a future, not even if you get married does that constitute certainty of any kind. This is kind of funny, my AP said the exact same thing, talk about cliches. The irony is of course he has already made that promise to his wife. That is what marriage vow is all about. In good times and bad, sickness and health. Most LTR aim to start a family, and it would be hard to raise a family without this kind of promise and stability. This promise is especially important to a woman. I've read somewhere that it would be really hard for a man to get a woman to have sex with him without any kind of promise of future. Now if we can keep that promise is another story, and IMHO, is really a matter of character. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Nobody can promise you a future, not even if you get married does that constitute certainty of any kind. Definitely, but I don't think the promise is necessarily about the end product, this vague notion of "a future". Certainty can lie in the devotion to at least work towards the goal, WITH your spouse as your partner. My WW wasn't upset because I hadn't give her a big house or a huge nest egg for the future when she decided to have an A. She was upset at what she perceived to be my lack of ambition to achieve those things. Link to post Share on other sites
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