Screwing up for 6 years

[tinderbox8888]

So for 6 years, I have been actively cheating online. I have not touched another girl or guy (besides when we broke up once for a month). My GF knew that I was bi-curious (never did anything with guys, but liked fantasies) and didn't mind. We had done a cuckold type relationship before. My GF was always open and honest about who she talked to and I could veto anything I didn't like.

 

Sadly I didn't give her the same respect. I spent many many hours watching porn, going on craigslist leading on guys and girls, and contacting Ex's to send naked pics and such. It was never about wanting to do anything with them. More of the thrill and excitement. Something different. I had always said I would get help for my issues and how much time I spent on doing this but I never wanted to actually commit to doing it.

 

After contacting an Ex that I had done many times and been caught doing many times before, my GF was FURIOUS. She was ready to kick me out and be done with me. I didn't mean to cause her that pain, but I didn't know how to stop myself from letting it happen. I have been unemployed for over a year and it hasn't been all bad. I play stay at home dad and do a lot to make my GF's life easier.

 

Finally in May I got into therapy to work out my issues with depression and all the porn and lying and hiding. On Thanksgiving she found naked pictures of myself on a computer and was just so upset the whole day. I felt horrible because I thought I was doing better and I let myself slip.

 

Now here we are months later and she says she is totally done. I don't know what to do anymore. I go every week to therapy and have been working on my issues. I don't miss dates. I have made changes in my life for the better. I don't have a job yet but I just had an interview and have been in a better frame of mind.

 

The problem is of course, she is done. She says she really loves me and cares about me. But she just doesn't want to be with me. That when we decide to get back together she feels like she has all these expectations and its not fair to me because we get in huge fights because of how much she resents staying with me after everything I did.

 

My therapist says it's regressive self soothing. Using these means to ignore reality. I told her that it's something I am working on and committed to but to her that's not good enough. She doesn't like the idea that it could happen again. She can't get past my history and she's fearful it will be repeated.

 

It hurts me deeply because she believes the relationship has been a lie. That I spend most of my time with her lying and hiding when all she wanted was honesty. I want her. I am getting better and moving forward but for her, it ended for good on Thanksgiving.

 

To make matters worse, a guy from work who also has a kid around my daughters age is interested in her. She spends a lot of time texting him every day. She spends most of her day with her phone. She has told me that she's not sure what will come of it. She isn't actively seeking a relationship, but if things end up happening she won't stop it. So there is tension because I always make comments about it. After 6 years she is going to basically push me aside even though she knows I have had issues and have worked on them to make us better for some guy she barely knows. There is also a crazy ex wife that is getting jealous of the situation. I just don't like my daughter being around them together because she will get a really conflicted view considering I'm Dad and she sees us together then another guy. She says nothing is happening, just play dates but he wants to go out without kids.

 

So, as you can see, I have myself quite the problem. We live in Queens and she doesn't make enough to live in a decent place. I don't have a job so I can't live here if she decides to move out so I would have to head back home and would see my daughter maybe once a month if I'm really lucky but probably once every 2-3 months. I miss her. I did take a lot of things for granted when we were together. I know even though I didn't touch any girls or guys during these 6 years, it's still about honesty and respect.

 

Is there a way to build that trust again? What can I say to get her to give me a chance to prove myself? How should I handle this guy? I don't want to get super jealous but that's how I feel. I don't want to push her further to this guy with my jealousy, but I don't want to be so hands off that she just runs off with him. I know I have made some VERY poor choices and it's been my fault on those, not hers. I also understand why she is mad and why she is very weary of offering more chances. But I have taken active steps to get better mentally. I can't erase the many times I lied and hide stuff. I can only work on today and try to get better each day.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice you have is much appreciated. Yes I know my actions are really bad. You don't have to post how horrible I am and how she should have left me a long time ago. I'm a different person then I was during those years and I continue to get better.