wondering eyes

[Violet]

I love my boyfriend with all my heart and would do anything for him, but i don't think he loves me as much. He's 27 and looks at every girl that walks by and is obsessed with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, and Britney Spears. He buys extremely bad movies just because of the actress. This makes me think that i'm not the right girl for him and that he deserves someone better and sexier. I feel depressed, hurt and ugly. I've told him about this but he says it's not as bad as i think it is. Is this my problem or his problem? What should i do, i never feel good enough for him. Am i too jealous?

[Catari]

You both have problems. Yours are justified by his behavior, his are products of immaturity. You must be right that you are not a right girl for him. He deserves someone as much incinsiderate of other person's feelings as he is inconsiderate of yours. If you feel depressed, hurt and ugly with him now, you will feel much worse in the future if he will not change his behavior.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart and would do anything for him, but i don't think he loves me as much. He's 27 and looks at every girl that walks by and is obsessed with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, and Britney Spears. He buys extremely bad movies just because of the actress. This makes me think that i'm not the right girl for him and that he deserves someone better and sexier. I feel depressed, hurt and ugly. I've told him about this but he says it's not as bad as i think it is. Is this my problem or his problem? What should i do, i never feel good enough for him. Am i too jealous?

[Tony T]

Although what he does is extremely disrespectful to the relationship and terribly rude, his habit of looking admiringly at other ladies has nothing to do with his attraction to you. He may be this way the rest of his life. There are many men who just admire good looking women and like to look at them, as an art enthusiast would enjoy a great painting or sculpture...or as a police officer would enjoy caputuring one of America's Most Wanted.

 

Yes, there is always a chance he could be tempted and act on it at some point...but many men who do not have his same habit get tempted and act on it. So I guess this behavior is irrelevant to the capacity for cheating.

 

I don't know why he enjoys the bad movies except I think there is a lot of research in Hollywood and the hire actresses that will tempt guys like yours to watch those movies and spend their money. He's just one of the many suckers.

 

To be honest, I actually admire his taste in hot babes. I just got finished watching Britney Spears in the SuperBowl halftime show and, oh what a button on her belly. There are many men who have girly magazine subscriptions pouring in to their marital mailboxes and countless others who surf the net for the plentiful pictures of babes in the buff.

 

If this really bothers you and you don't think you can get over it, you will have to give him an ultimatim. After all, you have to respect your own feelings if he doesn't.

 

If you break up with him over this, you will find many men without this awful habit but you will continue to wonder if they are simply sneaking peaks behind your back...or sneaking even more.

 

This is a situation that isn't completely winable. Men just love to look at beautiful women, including yourself. You probably don't even notice the guys who stare at your more attractive parts as you walk down the street or mall.

 

This isn't a matter of being jealous. I think what he's doing is rude if he makes a big issue of it and does it noticably around you. It just isn't right.

 

I really think you ought to find a guy who makes you feel beautiful, special and certainly one who makes you feel you are a lot more than good enough for him. That's what love is all about. You cannot have a forever relationship with a guy who has sex with you in person and with every other girl he sees in his mind. That's kind of where it all takes place anyway.

 

P.S. I also really love looking at pictures and TV video of Salma Hayek, the Latino actress, as well. I would marry her in a minute if she wasn't engaged. (LOL) (No, not LOL)

[Laurynn]

Some men are like this, some aren't. I'm sure that *all* men steal a glance of a beautiful women, but some men actually drool, just aren't very discreet. My ex husband was like this. In fact, on our honeymoon in Cancun years ago, during a layover at the Dallas-Ft Worth airport, he was a busy little beaver, checking out ALL the women in the airport..which of course, carried over to our time in Cancun, on the beach. I was devastated, and insulted. I am an attractive woman (was then too lol) so couldn't understand it. He didn't just look, he drooled...you could see the wheels turning in his head...you could practically hear him fantasizing. He was like this before I married him (stupid me) and during. I told him how it bothered me, but he didn't care. He even went so far as to sneak out to go watch strippers with 'the boys'.....which hurt me even more. He just didn't give a rip's a$$ about my feelings. There was no respect there, on his part.

 

So what am I getting at here? Well, I think it's human nature for men to 'look'....but there's a distinct line between peeking and drooling. The latter shows a complete disrespect to their partner, particularly when she's made her feelings known.

 

If your guy is 27, this is probably just the way he is...and will remain. It's up to you to decide if you can live like this. And yes, I *do* understand how his behavior can make ya feel inadequate, like you must somehow not be 'good enough looking'...how you end up feeling somewhat insecure. I think that's only natural.

 

You basically stated that you told your guy how you feel and he basically blew off your feelings and told it was no big deal. Can you accept his attitude? Do you feel you are worth more than this? All I can say is, don't expect him to change. The only thing you can change is whether you can stay with a man who behaves in such a way that it upsets you.

 

Laurynn

[fishbulb]

I love my boyfriend with all my heart and

would do anything for him, but i don't think he loves me as much. He's 27 and looks at every girl that walks by and is obsessed with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, and Britney Spears. He buys extremely bad movies just because of the actress. This makes me think that i'm not the right girl for him and that he deserves someone better and sexier. I feel depressed, hurt and ugly. I've told him about this but he says it's not as bad as i think it is. Is this my problem or his problem? What should i do, i never feel good enough for him. Am i too jealous?

 

First off, I can't tell you what is wrong fast enough with a guy approaching 30 being obsessed with frigging Britney Spears so much that he makes the living, breathing, loving, beautiful flesh-and-bone woman standing in front of him feel depressed, hurt and ugly. Second, as long as you feel lucky to have a guy that makes you feel that he deserves someone better and sexier, you are both willingly undermining your self-worth. He knows you will do anything for him, and he probably takes advantage of that, doesn't he? The longer you let him do that, the less he will respect you, and the more degrading it will get. I'm not trying to be such a pessimist, it's just that I recently left a similar situation, and I'm experiencing some great 20/20 hindsight at the moment...

[sparkle]

Hi Violet,

 

If he casually turns to look at some hot chick every now and then or if he's got movies starring beautiful actresses, then I would just think he's a normal, straight guy.

 

Now if he's obsessive in this...for example, he's got EVERY movie ever made or he watches them when you're around or if his eyeballs are stuck on every girl that walks by, then that's a different story.

 

I think it's all a matter of trust and being confident with yourself. Whenever I see Brad Pitt in a movie, I drool over him and describe in detail to my boyfriend about every aspect of Brad's face, teeth, hair and body that makes him gorgeous!! And then he says..well forget you, I'd choose Catherine Zeta Jones over you any day! And when we're out and some hot girl passes by, I'll tease him and ask if he wants me to get her number for him. So it's all in good fun.

 

Look at it this way. If he finds other girls attractive, that's normal. But look at these girls...hey if they're hot, and he's still with you, you must be even more beautiful

 

And if this still bothers you, give him a taste of his own medicine.

 

Good luck!

[violet]

I just want to thank everyone for their great insight. It's just what i suspected all along...that he doesn't respect me. And you made me realize that i don't respect myself in this relationship either. But the thing that really confuses me and kept me in the realationship is that even though he doesn't have a nice job, he makes an effort to make me happy, like buying me furnishings for my appartment(tv, ac, pc..) and he's bought me a $500 ring. He washes my dishes and takes me grocery shopping and once, did my laundry so that i can study for my exam. (i never had anyone do things like that for me before!) That's why i stayed with him for the past 1 and a half year. Still he did borrow from me $1500 to pay his football gambling debt and he has access to my credit cards. And once he did charge $360 on my card for the champagne room (if you know goes on in there, can you please tell me???). (He said he let his friends use the card to go in there but he promised never to go to a strip place again cause he don't want to lose me). And I'm definite he's not a player and he wouldn't ever cheat on me. So my question ..... (if you're still with me).....

 

What should i do? I basically have a good guy (a little girl crazy) but i think he loves me, should i give him another chance???

[Laurynn]

Um, just because someone buys you material things and washes your dishes, that doesn't necessarily mean they are the right man for you.

 

You have to decide.....do you want to settle for a man who disrespects you by drooling over every woman that walks by BUT buys you nice trinkets OR do you want a man who treats you with RESPECT all the time?

 

What's this about him having to borrow $1500 to pay off a gambling debt? ~BIG RED WARNING FLAG~ So the guy has a gambling problem?? Yikes..why did you EVER lend him that money...good luck getting it back. Can YOU really respect someone who racks up gambling debt? Does this sound like a responsible, mature man to you? Doesn't to me. Sounds like someone who could be years and years of trouble and debt.

 

And he shares your credit cards? WHY???? Lordie dingdong....put a stop to that and PRONTO! Do you want him racking up your cards and ruining your credit rating?? HELLO? *you* are totally responsible for all the debts incurred on your cards......what if he just racks them up (for gambling, or whatever) and walks away? Good luck getting your money back. Even if you go to court....you could win but if he has a crappy job, it will take you FOREVER to get your money back (even if they garnishee his wages).....You gotta be smart! Sounds to me like this guy is using you for a cash cow. Let him get his own stinkin' credit cards...and if he can't, too bad. You're not the Bank of America, are you?

 

i don't know what the Champagne Room is, but when you went on to talk about 'strip club' I gathered it's some fancy room in a strip club. Super. Oh, and he let his friends use YOUR CREDIT CARD (yeah, right) to pay for this room? HELLO? What is going on here? I personally don't believe he *did* this for his friends (what, they don't have credit cards either?).....but if he did, you allow a guy to use YOUR card to rack up rooms in strip clubs for his pals? What is wrong with this picture?

 

Get your cards back!! Better yet, call your credit card companies and tell them you want this bozo off your cards .........send them a letter in writing stating the same.....or better yet, cancel all the cards that your BF is using/has access to.....and apply for new ones that are ONLY in your name. You are reallllly asking for trouble here.

 

It's no wonder he's buying you things and washing your dishes. He's probably charging the things he buys for you on YOUR OWN CARD and he's trying to suck up to you so you'll continue to give him use of your cards. Time to get with the program!!

 

Laurynn

[fishbulb]

I just want to thank everyone for their great insight. It's just what i suspected all along...that he doesn't respect me. And you made me realize that i don't respect myself in this relationship either. But the thing that really confuses me and kept me in the realationship is that even though he doesn't have a nice job, he makes an effort to make me happy, like buying me furnishings for my appartment(tv, ac, pc..) and he's bought me a $500 ring. He washes my dishes and takes me grocery shopping and once, did my laundry so that i can study for my exam. (i never had anyone do things like that for me before!) That's why i stayed with him for the past 1 and a half year. Still he did borrow from me $1500 to pay his football gambling debt and he has access to my credit cards. And once he did charge $360 on my card for the champagne room (if you know goes on in there, can you please tell me???). (He said he let his friends use the card to go in there but he promised never to go to a strip place again cause he don't want to lose me). And I'm definite he's not a player and he wouldn't ever cheat on me. So my question ..... (if you're still with me).....

 

What should i do? I basically have a good guy (a little girl crazy) but i think he loves me, should i give him another chance??? It's usually been my experience that people who cannot commit emotionally in a relationship, but want the benefits of that relationship, will try to overcompensate with expensive gifts to keep the other person off-balance and gratified. Sometimes the guilt of not committing keeps the generosity flowing, as well.....