I have lost him, does this get easier?

[hodge12]

Hi,

This is my first post, sorry that its long- I am just so lost and confused and am hoping that chatting to like minded people will help.

 

I got involved with a married man 18 months ago. We met at work in May 2011 and we always had something there, but in July 2012 it became real.

 

A year later In July 2013 he started working on a fly in fly out roster and this is when it became more serious between us.

We still works for the same company but on different projects.

He would fly home on a Thursday and stay with me on the Thursday night and then go home to her on Friday. this then developed to him staying with me thursday & friday and going home to her saturday for 2 nights. I also went to stay with him at his work apartment a few times.

 

I won't bore you all with the intricate details, but over the past 18 months we became very close and talked about having a future together. I honestly feel like he is my soul mate. He intruduced me to some of his friends, he met my friends, we even went out for couple dinners with two couples from work. I know that there was real love.

 

But a month ago his wife found an email from me. He told her that our affair was purley emotional. She has thrown him out and doesn't believe him. She has contacted me several times via email to ask me to tell her if it was more than friendship. I paniced and lied and went along with his story.

She continues to email me as she dones not believe it, but I don't respond to her. I don't feel it's my place to tell her, it's his.

She asked for his credit card statements, which he gave her, except she doesn't know that he has a work credit card which he used with me.

She also asked for his work flight itinerarys which he altered before he gave to her.

 

 

For two weeks he said to me that he didn't know what he wanted, but then he ended things with me. He says he had a moment of clarity when he realised that he did love her and they did still have something. Of course I am heartbroken, but I respect his decision. That is his family and I know that they deserve to be happy. He has started going to counselling and altough she says she does not think she will take him back, I do believe she will calm down and they will work it out.

 

I am riddled with guilt, firstly because of the affair but now because of the continued lies. I feel that she deserves to make an infirmed decision on her furture happiness. But again, I don't believe it's my place to tell her.

 

Anyway I need help.... I feel like I can't cope. I spend so much time crying, even at work and I cried at the gym!

I feel like I can't breathe.

 

If there is someone who has been through this, please help me and tell me this will be ok.

Edited February 4, 2014 by hodge12
Spelling errors

[whichwayisup]

I think if you tell her your side of things, the truth, you'll feel more at peace. You lied to her when she asked you details, you minimized the affair, made it seem less than it was.

 

It isn't your place, you're right but she has asked for the truth from you, so give it to her! Imagine if you were in her shoes, begging for the truth - And being lied to over and over again.

 

She knows in her gut there's more but your exMM, her husband, is a wimp for not coming clean and telling her the truth.

 

Sorry you're hurting, take care of yourself and be around good friends and family during this painful time.

[hodge12]

Hi,

Thank You for replying. I agree that I will feel more at peace, but I stupidly don't want to hurt him or his chances of happiness. I know thats ridiculous!

 

I want to do the right thing, I just can't figure out what that is.

I will take on board what you have said though. Thank You.

[whichwayisup]

Hi,

Thank You for replying. I agree that I will feel more at peace, but I stupidly don't want to hurt him or his chances of happiness. I know thats ridiculous!

 

I want to do the right thing, I just can't figure out what that is.

I will take on board what you have said though. Thank You.

 

So him lying to his wife, hiding the truth is going to help him in the long run?

 

This woman is in pain now and she KNOWS there's more, she's not stupid, she's probably figured out most on her own and just waiting for him to confirm and own it.

 

Are you in no contact mode with him since the A is over?

[hodge12]

We were still in contact until yesterday, When I told him we had to break contact in order to move forward.

[veryhappy]

It does get better and easier. Not quickly though. And rest assured that life carries on, one way or the other.

 

He threw you under the bus and rolled over to make sure you're roadkill. His happiness and wellbeing should be erased from your mind. You need to worry about yourself and your happiness and wellbeing.

 

What does it mean? Tell or don't tell his wife based only on what it means to you. Will it help you feel more moral, right a wrong, help a woman in need? Would it instead make you hysteryical if the response would be some letter from a lawyer how you should leave the happy committed couple alone? Right now you are alone and need to protect yourself. I know it's hard to get out of that love mindset, but do it for your health.

 

Keep moving on and time helps. He doesn't have any answers for you, and nothing he will say will make you feel better.

[hodge12]

Cutedragon- Thank You for your reply.

This is all such a mess, I know I have myself to blame. I just need to get my head on straight and stop worrying about if they have worked things out or not and worry about me.

[woinlove]

In my case, I answered the BW's questions honestly. I'm not a good liar and don't like to lie, so I didn't give much thought to lying. Being honest just seemed the right way to behave, xMM and I each made choices and now I was being honest about those choices. Fortunately xMM was not an enormous liar, he had tried to minimize, but not in an extreme way and he was not the kind of person to keep up lies for a long time. So he confirmed my statements.

 

It would bother me if I lied to someone and they were reacting based on that lie. You have to decide for yourself how you feel about your lies going forward. If it were me, I'd tell the truth.

 

But if the MM in your case is a bigger liar, he may continue to lie and contradict what you say. That is all on him though and he may not mind being a liar.

[Lady2163]

I am so sorry you're going through this. It does get better, but there is no specific timetable. One day you will wake up and realize you haven't thought about him for a week, a month or longer. It is like any breakup in that sense time does help.

 

Everyone will have an opinion as to what you should do. Remember, many on here may have history being the OW or BS. Our opinions can be biased and no matter how many details you write, we don't know the whole nature of your relationship.

 

I against telling the BS for several reasons. 1) It isn't your place, it is his. 2) It will damage or destroy his marriage, which he has committed to and 3) You just don't know.

 

3) is the biggie. You just don't know how people will react. They may be the sweetest, kindest, God-fearing, law-abiding person on the planet. This could send them over the edge and either MM or BS end up on your doorstep six months from now with a gun. Yes, that is EXTREME, but either of them could make your job difficult, she could sue you for alienation of affection (if you live in one of those places) and you have provided email proof of your guilt.

 

Telling her does not protect yourself. It clears your conscience but leaves you at risk. Destroyed people do desperate things. Do you really want everyone you work with or,your entire family to know what you've been doing? Picture her standing in the middle of you workplace screaming out obscenities and profanities. EXTREME, but not impossible.

 

Potentially, you face yet another betrayal. Let's say you tell the wife EVERYTHING. Your married man is now going to lie and totally destroy you to save himself. He will, "have been trying to break it off for months, but she wouldn't let me.". By default, you will be a bunny boiler. It will have just happened 1 time or 2 times and both times it will have been a "horrible mistake". You probably sucked in bed and your hygiene was awful. They will say ANYTHING. You being this unstable creature could unite them in their 'battle' against you to valiantly save their marriage.

 

God, I have a lot of baggage....

 

To this day, I don't want to know if my ex-husband cheated. I didn't want to know then and I don't want to know now. I'm in the minority.

[kalimata]

Hodge,

 

Your MM's wife is clearly furious over this affair. She knows that you both were lying, give me a break. You both are following the cheater's script to the T.

 

Since D-Day, it is very clear that your MM chose to stay in the marriage. If he wanted to be with you, then he would have left his BW on that same day and showed up on your doorstep. He is USING YOU to continue to be a CAKE EATER. I wouldn't stand for any of it.

 

Find someone else who is not married. I'm sorry you are here. Don't contact the BW. It won't help at all, and will make the agony for you more painful. Put him in the rear view mirror and get on with your life.

[ComingInHot]

Read up on "Gas Lighting". This is what you and Her Husband are doing to her by continuing to lie to her. Geez, she must feel like she's going Crazy !!

 

If you are incapable of being Honest with her then do NOT Engage her at ALL. PLEEESE!!

[Berkley]

From someone who has been on both sides of the fence...

I married a serial cheater when I was 19. He gave me four STDs and denied it every time. He got crabs from a towel at his buddies place..he had no signs of chlamydia, therefore I must have been the one cheating...and on and on. I left after four years. He never owned up to it.

 

 

My second marriage lasted 18 years. I was suspicious several times...he worked in a job where he was away a lot...and worked with a whole lot of young, single people.

Then in year 16...I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was not only cheating...but having a full blown affair. Getting calls on his cell and going up and locking himself away in the bedroom, simply not coming home from work until the next day..cell phone turned off all night. Oh - he was out with the guys from work and got too drunk to drive home. I answered his phone once and a woman on the other end said..uh, excuse me, who is this ??? I said - it's his wife, and handed him the phone. He said it was work related...because work colleagues always act like that if someone's wife answers their phone.

To this day...he will not admit it. Denies it totally - even though she moved into our home only 6 months after I left.

I lost any and all respect for him...not because of the affair as much as the lies and denial.

It would not have helped me to have the OW tell me the truth...it had to come from her.

So...you telling her isn't going to help her at all as long as he keeps denying it.

[Lady2163]

So...you telling her isn't going to help her at all as long as he keeps denying it.

 

And he will deny it. He will go into self-preservation mode, which is what I'm hoping you will as well.

 

On a different note: Hodge may be 'gaslighting' the BS, but I still think it is important she protect herself. The husband is not going to. Once again, many and most BS, may never do anything to harm the OW, but there have been plenty of times on here where people advocate for ruining the OWs life.

[Kalee35]

You need to tell her the truth. She deserves to know whether it comes from you first or from him. Trust me on this. I answered all of the questions I was asked from the wife even though her husband was lying to her. Yesterday when I ran into him, you know what? He thanked me for putting the truth out there because he was relieved of the lies and guilt he had been carrying around and he owned up to the truth eventually. Everything has come undone now so do the right thing and tell her the truth. No matter what happens, at least you can walk away knowing you were honest in the end.

[Leelou]

Hi,

 

I want to do the right thing, I just can't figure out what that is.

I will take on board what you have said though. Thank You.

 

I generally do not believe that an OW has the right to tell the W, but in your case, I believe you need to tell the W the truth - because she asked you several times to do so!!!

 

This is different to a scorned OW getting revenge on her former MM, by telling his wife on him, in the hopes she dumps him, and he either comes back to the OW, or the OW feels good about hurting him back, after she felt hurt by his dumping her for his wife.

 

In your situation, I believe the correct and moral thing to do (which you are not going to want to do) is to first tell the wife the truth, and answer ALL her questions. Then (and this is the hard part for you) - you NEVER take him back, ever, in the future.

This is the price you pay for having lied to her in the first place, and then only told her the truth after MM chose HER over you!

 

Bottom line - yes tell the wife, but then you cannot take him back.

 

If you have ANY hope of getting him back, then you cannot 'betray' him to the wife.

 

You cannot play both sides.

 

My exMM's previous lover told the wife on him. The wife kicked him out of the house, and for 18 mths he worked on getting back into the house and marriage. It finally worked and she took him back. All the while, MM stupidly continued to see the OW.

 

The OW never 'got' the MM... she exposed him to the wife, and she continued to see him for a year or two more, but she was traded in at a later date. If you are going to betray your MM, then you must also let him go.

 

It's your choice. Your decision. But you cannot play the good girl by exposing his truths and then only doing that to get him back for yourself. That is truly manipulative and ugly. Don't be that person.

[krazikat]

Hi,

This is my first post, sorry that its long- I am just so lost and confused and am hoping that chatting to like minded people will help.

 

I got involved with a married man 18 months ago. We met at work in May 2011 and we always had something there, but in July 2012 it became real.

 

A year later In July 2013 he started working on a fly in fly out roster and this is when it became more serious between us.

We still works for the same company but on different projects.

He would fly home on a Thursday and stay with me on the Thursday night and then go home to her on Friday. this then developed to him staying with me thursday & friday and going home to her saturday for 2 nights. I also went to stay with him at his work apartment a few times.

 

I won't bore you all with the intricate details, but over the past 18 months we became very close and talked about having a future together. I honestly feel like he is my soul mate. He intruduced me to some of his friends, he met my friends, we even went out for couple dinners with two couples from work. I know that there was real love.

 

But a month ago his wife found an email from me. He told her that our affair was purley emotional. She has thrown him out and doesn't believe him. She has contacted me several times via email to ask me to tell her if it was more than friendship. I paniced and lied and went along with his story.

She continues to email me as she dones not believe it, but I don't respond to her. I don't feel it's my place to tell her, it's his.

She asked for his credit card statements, which he gave her, except she doesn't know that he has a work credit card which he used with me.

She also asked for his work flight itinerarys which he altered before he gave to her.

 

 

For two weeks he said to me that he didn't know what he wanted, but then he ended things with me. He says he had a moment of clarity when he realised that he did love her and they did still have something. Of course I am heartbroken, but I respect his decision. That is his family and I know that they deserve to be happy. He has started going to counselling and altough she says she does not think she will take him back, I do believe she will calm down and they will work it out.

 

I am riddled with guilt, firstly because of the affair but now because of the continued lies. I feel that she deserves to make an infirmed decision on her furture happiness. But again, I don't believe it's my place to tell her.

 

Anyway I need help.... I feel like I can't cope. I spend so much time crying, even at work and I cried at the gym!

I feel like I can't breathe.

 

If there is someone who has been through this, please help me and tell me this will be ok.

 

I am sorry you are in such pain, I really am, but girl just think what his wife is going thru!!! Not only did you willingly involve yourself with her husband, now you are lying to her. So he has turned you into a cheat and a liar. How do you feel about that? How do you think she will react when the truth does come out...she may become quite vengeful. Because now you have made it personal between you and her....YOU ARE LYING TO HER NOW.

 

You should be honest. How would you feel in her place? Desperate for the truth but no one will give it to you. Feeling like you are going crazy, since everyone you ask that is involved gaslights you. Honestly, girl how would you want to be treated in her place?

 

Give her the gift of truth. So she has the opportunity to make an educated decision regarding her life. I know this is not an easy situation for you, I know you are hurting. But tell her the dang truth!

 

Please read past threads from those telling you not to tell...so you can get an idea if you agree with their views. You will see that it is usually WS or AP who say not to tell. Pretty much every BS in this joint say they would want to known no matter the pain, because living in truth is better than living a lie.

[Lady2163]

I'm able to look at this as both an OW and someone who has suspicions of a cheating ex-husband and a cheating ex-boyfriend.

 

As the OW, I'm telling you to protect yourself. If you've never heard of her...google Betty Broderick. Perfect wife, perfect mother. Husband cheated, he and the OW put her through hell many times over. Eventually she snapped, drove over to his place and killed them both. This is the last woman anyone would have thought would do this.

 

Telling the truth could get the ire from both BS and the WH. Are you 100% sure if wife throws him out and destroys his life, he won't end up coming after you in a drunken rage 6 months down the road?

 

It isn't that I don't think you can't handle it emotionally. I just don't think it is safe.

 

I do put myself in your position to an extent. I have a six degrees of separation with my married FWB and his wife. If the affair comes to light, I will suffer through some distant family and friends who will blame me completely. It won't be pretty. I don't love my FWB, but if his wife were emailing me, I wouldn't confirm anything. I do think she is a good woman, but I won't have her make the decision to end her marriage on what I tell her. I won't give her the confirmation for either she, nor he to retaliate against me. Yes, they are gun owners, and that is a HUGE leap.

 

On the other side, as to why I don't want to know...during my separation and divorce, it wouldn't have made any difference had I known. Oh, I would have gone for triple the alimony and made sure everybody knew about it, but at that point, I wasn't getting back together with him for anything. It served no purpose in the future of our relationship. Bottom line: I didn't love him anymore.

 

This woman may be desperate for the truth, but do you want to be the one who in a sense makes the decision for her to discontinue the marriage?

 

People will think I'm callous and that she deserves to know the truth about her life so she can make informed decisions. I stand by my opinion, that it is the husbands place to tell her, not the OW.