Landed and stuck

[inappfriendly]

NC for over 5 months and I am still a trainwreck. On any given day I have no idea whether this emotional carnival wheel will land on sad, remorseful, nostalgic, numb. More often lately than not it lands on angry. Maybe it is the timing...it was around this time last year that it all began. Comparing that emotional enchantment to the destruction that I am feeling now. Feeling like he just got to go back to his regularly scheduled life and I am the only one still grieving. It makes me irate. And vengeful. I want to destroy him like he has destroyed me. I wonder how in the world someone could be so cold, heartless, selfish. How could he so easily dispose of me? Forget me? I dream of getting even. In fact I am consumed by it.

 

I feel helpless. This is NOT me. Not who I am fundamentally. Once upon a time, I had a heart full of love and joy and hope. I desperately want to move past this feeling. To spin the wheel and finally land in peace. But I am stuck.

 

"i wish i could be the one

the one who won't care at all"

[Survivor12]

First off all, you walking around feeling horrible is not going to ruin his life--or make yours better. Yes, I understand how difficult a breakup is and I've felt the pain of being deceived. It sucks. But there is life after...and once you decide that you are tired of being miserable, it's time to stop.

 

And to change how you feel, you have to start changing how you think. Stop comparing your life to his and start focusing on the good things in your own.

 

If you're like most people, there are things--and people--you take for granted, that you allow your mind to push aside, when you allow yourself to be distracted with thoughts of him. Smile at a stranger and allow yourself to really appreciate the one they give you back. Watch a child at play when they dont know you're watching. Don't just look at them--watch them. See their innocence. When you eat, savor every bite. Surround yourself with things and people who make you happy. Tell a friend or family member that you love them. Not in a "let's do lunch" kind of way, but from the heart. Give someone a bear hug & let yourself feel the energy that flows between you. Surprise someone in a way that shows you're thinking about them. Doing good things for others brings good things into your life. Look for them and really take time to appreciate all you have.

 

No matter what happens in your life--good or bad--can be seen from different points of view. You can CHOOSE which way you want to think...and changing how you think will affect how you feel.

 

Staying focused on negative things (like revenge) and frustrating yourself because your ex is happy is holding you back from being happy yourself! And walking around with all of that negativity is only going to draw negative energy. If you want to be happy and feel good about your life, you need to start looking for, recognizing and acknowledging good things. The feelings will follow.

 

It's your choice.

[ComingInHot]

Even though I'm on the other end of the A Perspective, I know how you feel*

[PurpleCardigan]

Firstly, Survivor12 gave great advice!!

 

I'd add two things which helped me when I was feeling the way that you are. I got myself into counseling and am working actively on my self-esteem and FOO issues. It was a real way to put the focus on me and not on him. I am learning that my inability to let go is a way to not have to put myself out there and face rejection.

 

Second, I found that reading posts in the OW/OM section that were written by married people and in the infidelity section from the wayward and I saw what they wrote -- in the affair because they were bored, or how they waffle with the AP and the BS, or they preferred the stability and comfort (ouch! that one still gets me) of home -- I began to realize that my xMM was just like this. The same excuses, the same patterns, and that he is not worth my time, pining nor energy. Some days that's easier said than done and I ride those days when they happen. It took me awhile to get here and talking this out in therapy helped me. I still have a VERY long way to go as I still hurt horribly over my ex. I still love him from afar, and that may last forever -- but I keep that love distant as I'm never going back to this kind of pain. But the anger and realization of how self-serving/selfish/cowardly he was, keeps me working through the pain to find my happiness.

 

Hang in there! I wish you the best!

[whichwayisup]

Pain and anger takes time to go away - Enjoy your good and better days and when you do have a bad/sad day, just know they will get less and less as time goes on.

 

Keep busy and really do your best to not sit and think. Being inside your head and rehashing it all only makes you think and remember him. Be really tough on yourself and say out loud "I AM DONE feeling this way today, no more!" Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

 

Don't try to figure out what he is thinking or doing, how his life is, you'll never know the answers, you can only guess. And that takes the focus onto him, which you need to not do anymore, well, avoid as much as you can.

[inappfriendly]

I appreciate the replies. Am always hesitant to post for fear of responses from all sides of these sordid affairs but the different perspectives really are incredibly helpful! I truly am not as negative as it comes across. I post to vent during moments when I am at my worst. These aren't the kinds of feelings I can hash out with my buddies over drinks!

Life is good. This, too, shall pass. Thanks again for all who care enough to post!

All the best.

[Berkley]

It irritates me to no end when people say -

Just don't think about.

Go out and have fun

Think about rainbows and unicorns

 

 

When we lose someone we love deeply...no matter the circumstances - we need to grieve, just as if it was a death.

Everyone heals in their own way...there is no set timetable that everyone has to adhere to.

 

 

Many times emotional distress can cause depression...not just feeling down...but real clinical depression. Strong emotional turmoil, life changing events, loss - all trigger chemical changes in our brains. Fight or flight - but if the stressor remains for an extended period....that chemical imbalance can not just correct itself any more.

You can not just snap out of it. It is not something you can control.

It is something that you need professional help with...therapy, counseling, medications...and time.

 

 

I had a friend tell me the other day - if you don't want to be depressed, just stop saying you're depressed.

Really ? So if someone has cancer - do you tell them to just stop thinking about it and it will go away?

 

 

If months go by and you are still consumed with sadness, pain and negativity...it's time to call in help.

[artdet]

Live well and prosper. Live better, happier, truer. That is the ultimate revenge.

[ComingInHot]

Innapfriendly, my mother always says "this too shall pass". I love that line and it is 99.9% true!!

Only thing that won't "pass" is Gray hair. I have 2 that just won't go away*

[whichwayisup]

It irritates me to no end when people say -

Just don't think about.

Go out and have fun

Think about rainbows and unicorns

I know I implied similar to what you've said, I'm not telling her NOT to grieve, but after 5 months one has to push themselves to NOT think of the loss so much. One has to push themselves to be busy and be around friends and family for distraction and from thinking and feeling depressed and sad so much. It serves no purpose to lay in bed and be depressed after 5 months, life has to go on.

[Berkley]

I know I implied similar to what you've said, I'm not telling her NOT to grieve, but after 5 months one has to push themselves to NOT think of the loss so much. One has to push themselves to be busy and be around friends and family for distraction and from thinking and feeling depressed and sad so much. It serves no purpose to lay in bed and be depressed after 5 months, life has to go on.

 

 

After five months if one is having this hard of a time healing and moving on....it is time to seek help.

You can not push yourself out of serious depression.

Depression stops you from wanting to be around anyone, from going out. You are unable to have fun.

You can NOT simply think happy thoughts and expect serious depression to disappear on it's own.

It is a disease...a condition that needs treatment.

[Quiet Storm]

After five months if one is having this hard of a time healing and moving on....it is time to seek help.

You can not push yourself out of serious depression.

Depression stops you from wanting to be around anyone, from going out. You are unable to have fun.

You can NOT simply think happy thoughts and expect serious depression to disappear on it's own.

It is a disease...a condition that needs treatment.

 

I disagree with this. Many times the stages of grief can mimic clinical depression. It doesn't mean that you have major depression. Poor coping skills does not equal major depression. You can be temporarily sad & unmotivated due to circumstances or a loss- even for many months.

 

I agree that inappfriendly would benefit from counseling & possibly medication, but I would never say she has a disease just because she's having trouble coping with a major loss.

 

inapp, I suggest that you set aside one block of time during the evening to do all your analyzing, yelling, crying, hating, etc. Allow yourself 20 minutes a day for that- time enough to get those feelings out. The rest of the day, keep yourself busy. When you think of him at other times, close your eyes & imagine a stop sign. Tell yourself "STOP! Not now." and put it off until your evening cry time. Eventually, you will see that he doesn't deserve your brainspace. After some time, you will realize that those 20 minutes in the evening could be better spent.

 

It sounds like you are having trouble with acceptance. You just can't believe that someone that claimed to love you could be so cold, heartless, selfish. You need to accept that there are many people in this world like that, and you made the mistake of getting involved with one. Acceptance will go a long way towards your healing.

 

He may have disposed of you- but look who did the disposing! This man is not a prize to be treasured. A liar, a cheater, a selfish & heartless man disposed of you...and did you a favor (even though you don't see it yet). The reason you feel so hurt by his rejection is because you valued him. This value is seriously misplaced and once you accept who he really is, his disposal will feel much less painful. You must realize that he is not worthy of you. You must accept that he is not the man you thought he was. He is worthless scum. And if worthless scum disposes of you, so what? Who really cares what worthless scum thinks or feels, right?

 

See where I am going with this? It is all about perspective. You are feeling the loss of your dream and of the man you thought he was. Realistically, if you were to be with him, what would you have? When you take away all the feelings (the enchantment), you would have a heartless & selfish guy.

 

You will be OK. Hang in there.

[Berkley]

NC for over 5 months and I am still a trainwreck. On any given day I have no idea whether this emotional carnival wheel will land on sad, remorseful, nostalgic, numb. More often lately than not it lands on angry.

I feel helpless. This is NOT me. Not who I am fundamentally. Once upon a time, I had a heart full of love and joy and hope. I desperately want to move past this feeling. To spin the wheel and finally land in peace. But I am stuck.

 

"i wish i could be the one

the one who won't care at all"

 

 

ALL signs of depression.

ALL signs that she needs to get help coping and healing.

 

 

Depression is not some horrible stigma to be hidden away any more...it affects more than 10% of the population at any given time.

 

 

Inappfriendly - please go to this site and take the test...it's one of the best one's I've seen. Depression Test, Am I Depressed?

It takes your results and gives you a list of the different types of depression/mood disorders.

At least it is one way to try to see why you can't go on.

 

 

My friendship/relationship with MM lasted 3 years....I lost my job since he was my boss, lost my friend...and am trying to recover from a debilitating, life changing injury...I know I am suffering from depression and am now on meds and looking for a therapist.

And yet....I can still say, that although I am hurt, sad, depressed, angry, empty a lot of the time...I would not describe myself as a train wreck.

 

 

It's time to admit that you probably need help getting past this

[Survivor12]

It irritates me to no end when people say -

Just don't think about.

Go out and have fun

Think about rainbows and unicorns

 

 

When we lose someone we love deeply...no matter the circumstances - we need to grieve, just as if it was a death.

Everyone heals in their own way...there is no set timetable that everyone has to adhere to.

 

 

Many times emotional distress can cause depression...not just feeling down...but real clinical depression. Strong emotional turmoil, life changing events, loss - all trigger chemical changes in our brains. Fight or flight - but if the stressor remains for an extended period....that chemical imbalance can not just correct itself any more.

You can not just snap out of it. It is not something you can control.

It is something that you need professional help with...therapy, counseling, medications...and time.

 

 

I had a friend tell me the other day - if you don't want to be depressed, just stop saying you're depressed.

Really ? So if someone has cancer - do you tell them to just stop thinking about it and it will go away?

 

 

If months go by and you are still consumed with sadness, pain and negativity...it's time to call in help.

 

Sorry if it irritates you, but having gone through several serious losses over the last few years, CBT was a lifesaver for me.

 

As for Cancer? Perhaps you may be interested in this article by The American Cancer Society:

Humor Therapy

 

It may not be a cure, but mood and attitude can make a difference.

[sunburned]

I disagree with this. Many times the stages of grief can mimic clinical depression. It doesn't mean that you have major depression. Poor coping skills does not equal major depression. You can be temporarily sad & unmotivated due to circumstances or a loss- even for many months.

 

I agree that inappfriendly would benefit from counseling & possibly medication, but I would never say she has a disease just because she's having trouble coping with a major loss.

 

inapp, I suggest that you set aside one block of time during the evening to do all your analyzing, yelling, crying, hating, etc. Allow yourself 20 minutes a day for that- time enough to get those feelings out. The rest of the day, keep yourself busy. When you think of him at other times, close your eyes & imagine a stop sign. Tell yourself "STOP! Not now." and put it off until your evening cry time. Eventually, you will see that he doesn't deserve your brainspace. After some time, you will realize that those 20 minutes in the evening could be better spent.

 

It sounds like you are having trouble with acceptance. You just can't believe that someone that claimed to love you could be so cold, heartless, selfish. You need to accept that there are many people in this world like that, and you made the mistake of getting involved with one. Acceptance will go a long way towards your healing.

 

He may have disposed of you- but look who did the disposing! This man is not a prize to be treasured. A liar, a cheater, a selfish & heartless man disposed of you...and did you a favor (even though you don't see it yet). The reason you feel so hurt by his rejection is because you valued him. This value is seriously misplaced and once you accept who he really is, his disposal will feel much less painful. You must realize that he is not worthy of you. You must accept that he is not the man you thought he was. He is worthless scum. And if worthless scum disposes of you, so what? Who really cares what worthless scum thinks or feels, right?

 

See where I am going with this? It is all about perspective. You are feeling the loss of your dream and of the man you thought he was. Realistically, if you were to be with him, what would you have? When you take away all the feelings (the enchantment), you would have a heartless & selfish guy.

 

You will be OK. Hang in there.

Thanks, Quiet Storm. I feel much better. Oh, wait. You weren't talking to me. Well, thanks anyway. I'm a 5-monther myself. Great post on perspective. I have tried the stop sign thing for months. Doesn't work so well for me, but going to pair it now with shouting "I AM DONE" (thanks, wwu). Just not at a restaurant within earshot of the waiter.

 

 

Now to ponder the philosophical question ... if you're "rejected" by a POS, is it really rejection?

[Berkley]

Sorry if it irritates you, but having gone through several serious losses over the last few years, CBT was a lifesaver for me.

 

As for Cancer? Perhaps you may be interested in this article by The American Cancer Society:

Humor Therapy

 

It may not be a cure, but mood and attitude can make a difference.

 

 

IF she or anyone has depression..or any other type of disorder that may be preventing healing...all the positive thinking in the world isn't going to help.

 

 

After 5 months she is still a train wreck.

She needs to explore options to get help...besides advice on just thinking happy thoughts.

[whichwayisup]

I appreciate the replies. Am always hesitant to post for fear of responses from all sides of these sordid affairs but the different perspectives really are incredibly helpful! I truly am not as negative as it comes across. I post to vent during moments when I am at my worst. These aren't the kinds of feelings I can hash out with my buddies over drinks!

Life is good. This, too, shall pass. Thanks again for all who care enough to post!

All the best.

 

IF she or anyone has depression..or any other type of disorder that may be preventing healing...all the positive thinking in the world isn't going to help.

 

That's what part of CBT is, positive thinking. At least how to turn bad and negative thoughts into positive by the help of the therapist. I swear by CBT!

 

Also, bolded parts, the OP posts when she is at her lowest, and is here for help, and it's unfair of you to poo poo other people's advice. Why not just focus on her instead of other people's replies, which are all kind hearted and intentional to help, not hurt her.

[Berkley]

That's what part of CBT is, positive thinking. At least how to turn bad and negative thoughts into positive by the help of the therapist. I swear by CBT!

 

Also, bolded parts, the OP posts when she is at her lowest, and is here for help, and it's unfair of you to poo poo other people's advice. Why not just focus on her instead of other people's replies, which are all kind hearted and intentional to help, not hurt her.

 

 

Why not focus on her ? All my posts have focused on her and her emotional state.

Disagreeing that she may have depression is, IMO...not only poo-poo ing another poster's help, but is also incredibly irresponsible.

 

 

I did not say she DOES have depression....I said she shows signs of it and it would be a good idea to seek the help of professionals over the advice of posters on the internet.

Yeah...totally selfish suggestion on my part....not trying to help her at all.

[inappfriendly]

So does anyone remember in the movie Steel Magnolias, when Julia Roberts' character sobs "Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Haha! Well that's sorta how I feel right now. Tee hee

 

I never meant to start a war. In fact, I can see everyone's side of this and again, I really appreciate your replies. It means a lot to read your concerns and I can agree with some portion of what everyone has written. There is undoubtedly some underlying depression which in retrospect is surely more of a cause than an effect of this whole effed up situation. A "normal, sane" person does not willing enter into a relationship which they know from the start has the potential to do nothing but cause pain all around. My PCP is fantastic and we are working to find a pharmaceutical intervention that is right for me.

 

Medication will not erase the big picture, though, and I know, as suggested by many, that I need to spend more time consciously forcing myself to move forward. On my good days, it seems almost possible that the beat WILL go on and that life will be all flowers and sausages again. It is just those darn down days that throw me for a loop and it is no one's responsibility but my own to find coping mechanisms and ways to manage the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. I both agree and disagree with QuietStorm and Sunburned's assessments of rejection by a "POS". While I wholeheartedly agree that he doesn't deserve my mental space or emotional energy, doesn't it almost make it feel WORSE that someone so abhorrent would dismiss me and my feelings? Like I am not good enough for HIM? I KNOW I shouldn't care and that it isn't worth my concern but at the end of the day, it still just freaking hurts.

 

So for now I am going to pull up my big girl panties, put away the blackmail-worthy nudey pics of ex-POS, and consider my twenty minutes of self-pitying, vengeful wallowing UP for the day!

Thank you all, again, and ALL THE BEST!

Edited February 5, 2014 by inappfriendly