CurvyGurl Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 I have a friend that has lost her husband recently to cancer. She and her DH had been together about 3 yrs and discussing marriage when he was diagnosed with Primary Liver Cancer. He died on Christmas Day-- it was very swift. They were married on 12/10 and he died two weeks later. I don't know what to say to her, because I read so much about how people say the wrong thing... it's like you can't say anything right. I just want to be a comfort and so we talk, but I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing that I don't think I am being much of a comfort. What ARE some appropriate things to say when a friend loses a spouse? Also, I was thinking of sending something to her (she is in California, I am in Atlanta) but... what to send? Help? Link to post Share on other sites
aFighter Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 There really isn't any magic words I can think of for something like this. What I'd do is be there as a friend and listen/respond. Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 I don't know what to say to her, because I read so much about how people say the wrong thing... it's like you can't say anything right. Exactly, so keep this in mind. Say as little as possible and just LISTEN. Don't feel like you have to fill up the silence, don't rush in to comfort her by babbling away, just LISTEN and be there and let her cry and scream and talk to you. SHE needs to talk, my dear, not you. So many people think they are helping with all their stupid comments and really they need to hush and just be there. That's why they call it being there for someone, not "talking there" for someone. Send yellow roses if you can afford them, with a note that you are there for her if she needs you. Yellow roses are friendship and that's what she needs, her friends. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurvyGurl Posted January 16, 2005 Author Share Posted January 16, 2005 I'm doing that, not talking much, I just feel like the not talking is not being very supportive. Past 'I'm sorry' and joining in whatever conversation she feels like having, that is. I've read where some people even get angry when people ask them how they're doing, so I've avoided even asking that. Sort of makes me feel like there won't be anything that I can say that will be the right thing, so zipping up is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
sarahlynn Posted January 18, 2005 Share Posted January 18, 2005 Well, I don't know what to say, but I know what not to say. I'm not an expert, but the worst thing to say is, "I know what you're going through", because as a matter of fact we have no clue. Another thing I think we all tend to do is start to talk about something bad that happened to us, maybe trying to make them forget about their sadness for a moment, but feeling sad and sick, and about to die... it's all part of getting through it. I think you're a good friend, and you honestly want to help. When my friend's mom died recently I told her I love her and I'm always here if she needs to talk. I also sent her a condolence card, not like it helps, but at least she knew I really was thinking about her. I feel very sad for your friend. I could absolutely not imagine what she's going through. Link to post Share on other sites
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