CONFSUED, HURT, what did I do?? Long one, please help!!!

[Lisa]

This is a long one, I warn you, and I THANK YOU for taking time to read it, it means the world to me. I probably also sound like a crazy person tonight, read on and you will find out why. Well, I met a new guy, he is 24 and I am 27. We met at work, and things just exploded into a whirlwind of passion, friendship, lust, or whatever you want to call it. We rushed into things, and have been dating for a month. We get along famously, and the relationship didn't even start based on looks, it was purely based on friendship. Ok..he told me tonight he wanted a break, maybe even a permanent one, because he said "we are two different people" who want different things out of life.

 

First of all, he told me at the very beginning of dating me he never wanted marriage, or kids. I told him I did, but I was willing to date him even under those circumstances. Second of all, I was brought up in a very wealthy family, and I told him that I really don't have to work if I dont want to, but I do because I want a career. I told him eventually after I finish my career in finance, I want to devote my life to animals after I am married. He says that isn't the kind of woman he wants, and he does not know what kind of woman he wants. I should tell you he has never ever had a serious girlfriend. I dont know if that matters to your advice, but I thought I should let you know.

 

Well, Friday night we met for a drink , and he told me that the night before, he met a girl at a bar that works right next door to us, and he gave her his number. He said it was innocent and he has no intention of dating her, but wants friends because they were acquaintences in college. Unfortunatley, I know her and she is quite beautiful. Anyhow, he is soooooo angry at me for not trusting him, and freaking out on him because he simply wants to be friends with a girl he knew in college. I feel he was wrong to give his number out and he does not see that. I told him if he cared about me, he would not accept her calls or invites for lunch, and he said that I have no right saying that, and I should trust him. So we had a huge fight about the "trust" issue. He says he has never done anything wrong to make me not trust him, except giving his number out to a girl.

 

So tonight we met again to discuss things, and he told me he had no more romantic feelings for me. He said after yelling at him for giving his number out, for freaking out in the bar and making a scene, he hates that in a person and would never date a girl like that. But he knows I am the most loving, sincere, honest person he could ever meet, and I told him I would never do him wrong. How can he lose romantic feelings for me for being angry and not trusting him??? I can't understand why he turned COLD FISH!!!!!

 

Anyhow, after all that talking, he said he has been thinking of things and said that we are two different people, at different stages and no matter what that he is never going to change his mind. He wants some time apart he said, but yet he said he wants friendship. He even told me he loved me a few nights ago, so I just don't know what to think. He even refused to kiss me, or hold my hand tonight, and said he doens't feel in his heart being physical with me anymore. He changed in two days!!! I am crazy about this guy, and I work with him. What do I do now? He said he needs time, but that could also mean he may never come back, or want me again.

 

What do i do? How do I behave when I see him at work? Deep down I feel he is right for me, we have so much in common, its just that we are at different stages and he feels we should not be together because of that. Is he lying about not having romantic feelings for me just because I flipped out on him for giving a girl his number? Does he dislike me romantically because I was brought up as an upper middle class girl? Is he terrified maybe of the way he feels about me since he has never been inlove? I am so sad and confused!!!! I am a basket case, I am a mess, I work with him, my head is a mess. Please help, I want this guy and I want things to work. Please answer me soon. Thanks.

 

Sorry so long, but I need advice so BADLY from someone who isn't a friend! Nobody understands my dilemma?? What do i do now??? Give him space??? Smile at him at work? Ignore him like he doesn't exisit and hope he comes back to him???? I dont want to lose him, I want him in my life, I dont' care if he thinks we aren't right for eachother, I know we are, In my heart, I know it. HELPPPPPPP!! P.S. I apologize if i am incoherent, I am just in a tizzy...write back ASAP.

[Tony T]

You have got to keep your cool and keep your head on straight.

 

First, he has the absolute right to give his phone number to any human being he desires. You may feel any way you want to about that but he is free to do this if his intention is as stated, that he wants to be friends. Now, if you don't trust him you certainly don't want him in your life.

 

I don't think a lady should every "flip out" about anything. You should have calmly gotten into his head about his intentions in giving out his number. What you actually did by losing your cool is showed him you want to have your thumb on top of his life and he's really not ready for that. As a matter of fact, I'll let you in on a real big secret. When men find a gal who won't do that, who will trust them and give them room to breath and be free human beings, they usually propose to them almost immediately...that's how rare they are.

 

Frankly, reading between the lines, it doesn't sound like this guy wants a serious relationship with you or anybody else right now. He is your basic common variety player and he will jump from one person to the other until he is ready to settle down, perhaps at age 30 or 35.

 

You should give him space, be cordial to him at work, act like an ordinary mature adult. You should NOT let on to him how much he has hurt you. You violated the number one rule of love...that's not to get involved with people at work so you will just have to pay the consequences and make the best of it.

 

I know you said you don't want to lose him, but he is not a possession to be had or lost. Because you see things that way is exactly why he is wanting space right now. I know you want him in your life but you want him there in a romantic way...and right now, he's too screwed up to be in your life in any meaningful way. You couldn't handle a friendship with him...with him calling you and telling you about slipping this girl or that girl his phone number.

 

Stop your panic and just take some deep breaths and chill out. You'll be completely fine. You may not eat or sleep well for a few days...but you'll have your appetite back completely by no later than Friday...and you will sleep just fine in a few days.

 

In a few weeks, you will begin to see just how screwed up this guy is and how wrong he is for you. And in a month you will put up a post on this board telling everyone how thankful you are that this crazy mixed up child is out of your life.

 

So be kind to yourself right now, talk to friends, but stay out of his way. Don't call him or send him notes or Email...just be nice at work...no long conversations...no crying...no copping an attitude. Just be the professional that you are and take the high road.

 

To the extent that you can be really cool about all this, you may be his number one draft pick for marriage in five or ten years, who knows? But for now, he's a full fledged free agent and you have no control over that...and don't even try.

 

Once you get over this, I hope you will go the free agent route yourself. There are better men out there and this dude's still a boy.

[Rogue]

From what I've gathered from your post, I would say he simply lost interest in you. He might have felt something, but for whatever reason, just realize he didn't feel certain emotions for you. If he was serious about you, he wouldn't give his number to that girl.

 

Having said that, I don't think you're to blame for this. People break up all the time, and it's not always someone's fault. They just break up, period. He was using your jealousy as an excuse to break up, if he was truly interested he could have stayed. A lot of men would be flattered that their girlfriend feels jealousy over them, it makes them feel valuable.

 

Don't start thinking things like " It was my fault" or "I wasn't good enough" or "If he didn't like me no one would." Don't say don't things to yourself because all of the above are pure B###S$$$. Those words simply aren't true. Don't make the supposed failure of your relationship as a reflection of your own personal failure.

 

Good,attractive, beautiful people have romances that end, sometimes badly. It happens to everyone. Look at celebrities for example. They are good looking, sucessful, rich, and famous. But they have problems finding the right person too! So a person can be a real winner in life, but still have a relationship go bad on them. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them, just means they should try again with someone else.

 

Don't let this get you down.There's more to life than who you date. You're probably a beautiful young woman before the relationship, and you're still a beautiful woman after it. Nothing's changed. A lot of guys are still probably attracted to you, and now you can meet some of them. If you can make that connection with one guy, you can make it with another. This isn't the dead-end street of your lovelife, only a speedbump. Ok, Lisa?