Violett Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 Hi... Today is exactly 2 weeks since the break-up. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 9 1/2 mos. I have been looking at websites, reading books, talking/crying to mom & bf-basically racking my brain!!! Am I crazy and just so out of touch w/things, or do even healthy couples get loud sometimes (yell) when they are upset and/or angry, curse, and even say things like "Your such a jerk!" or "Your an a**hole!" or "You make me so mad!" "I can't stand you!" etc... and if these things only come out if they are extremely upset, and the fight has escalated to a point of severe frustration! And what if your partner really is acting like a jerk!!! I know it's usually better to remain calm, but what if you start out calm, but your partner continues to frustrate you by continuing to not ackowledge your feelings, continuing to be insensitive... and saying "I don't understand?" Alright, so you calm down, give them the benefit of the doubt, and explain it to your partner until you feel completely drained...then finally, it "dawns" on them and they get it. They thank you for being patient with them. You find yourself explaining alot of things you feel they should already understand, but you make excuses like "they are younger and immature, but they have good intentions"... or "they aren't that experienced, they really don't know any better"..... Ok, so maybe you should leave at that point. They are not making you happy. But you have developed feelings and don't just want to give up!!! They tell you they will never give up! and are always willing to try and understand...and they never want to lose you....and you are their life!!! They plan on getting engaged to you...They love you more than anything and so on.... So, maybe they don't mean it, but once again they act disrespectful and distant, and you try to remain calm, but for someone who says they love you more than anything they don't seem to show it & once again they "don't see how it was rude or why they should apologize"....so.......you yell....and even say F*** you!!!! ( maybe for the first time....and tell them they are immature and selfish...blah blah.) Is that so wrong? Even if I did explode....was overly emotional....blaming......(at that time...) ok....I probably should have kept silent...left quietly. I know. But it's hard when you feel like your on an emotional roller coaster and you care deeply for the person and you feel disrespected. If you really mean that much to them...would they just leave? Where is their patience??? Even though I talked about breaking-up, only when extremely upset because I felt I wasn't being taken seriousely or respected enough....I never did end it. I hung in there....but then even though he told me just a day ago he knew we would be together forever....loves me so much....the going got tough and he left!!!! If anyone gets around to reading this and can make any sense of it...please offer any feedback... Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 Bottomline for ME.. I'm not trying to be mean to you here.. however, I notice you've said in your thread here several times IF a person Loves you would they do this or would they do that.. and thats all okay to wonder and question.. However (again) IF YOU Love another person even when you're pissed off does it make it okay to tell them **** you, or your a jerk, or I want to break up with you.. IMO NO it isn't okay. I went down this road with my EXBF.. he was verbally abusive, liked to yell and scream and call me names.. liked to tell me how he wanted to break up with me just to gain leverage and see how far he could push things.. and yeah eventually we all have our own little breaking points and I broke up with him because honestly I just didn't and don't need that kind of BS in my life. Call a dog a name long enough they will go by it.. tell someone to go away often enough they will eventually go.. I would suggest the next relationship you get into, when you find yourself getting to a melting point that you feel you're unable to talk in a rational manner, and without yelling to try and be heard.. that you tell your SO that you need a little time ALONE to think things through and you will call them later when you feel calm. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violett Posted January 16, 2005 Author Share Posted January 16, 2005 Thanks for your response.... I understand what you are saying. But what if they are continually emotionally abusive to you? And you try to remain calm, and have succeeded in the past, but even at those times I was greeted with sarcasm and disregard. Also, the times I did explode were far and few between compared to the selfishness I experienced. It's not like I would just explode for no reason, or as soon as I got pissed off. Alot of times I would express I was upset, but would not be acknowledged, just disregarded, THEN it would escalate and I would "explode". More thoughts & feedback anyone..... Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violett Posted January 16, 2005 Author Share Posted January 16, 2005 also.....when I talked about breaking up w/him...it wasn't to gain leverage, but to gain some kind of ackowledgement to my pain in response to HIS behavior because simpley letting him know I was upset didn't seem to be enough... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violett Posted January 16, 2005 Author Share Posted January 16, 2005 I think I may have painted my ex in better light than he deserves....I'm in the blaming myself grieving stage, and analyzing everything stage. When I did "explode" at times....I was responding to his insensitive, selfish, and downright mean behavior... I will think of examples... Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Sometimes people just aren't compatible... IF the case was/is that he was emotionally abusive to you or even vice versa then honestly it's just better to go your own ways.. and find other people that will make you happy. I still don't agree with telling the person you're suppose to love to **** off, or calling them names with the intent to hurt.. and that is regardless if it was him doing it to you, or you doing it to him.. It also doesn't matter who was using the "I want to break up" method.. IF you OR he said it with the idea of getting anything but EXACTLY that, then IMO it was wrong. Hopefully you'll be able to let go of this soon, and move on to someone who you can have a healthy relationship with. All the best Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violett Posted January 17, 2005 Author Share Posted January 17, 2005 Thanks... Did you ever yell at your ex/'s when you were upset...or they abused you? Not w/the intent to hurt, but out of them hurting you? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by Violett Thanks... Did you ever yell at your ex/'s when you were upset...or they abused you? Not w/the intent to hurt, but out of them hurting you? My EXBF was very abusive and once I would get to the point that I knew there wasn't any being rational I put myself out of the situation.. even if or when that meant telling him if we were on the phone "I'm not hanging up you, I'm saying bye" then hanging up the phone.. OR if it meant getting my crap and walking out of the house when he was being abusive... these relationships are just not healthy, and it's to easy sometimes to say well yeah he called me this and that and told me to burn in hell... but i'm sure he didn't mean it or whatever.. Life is to short to waste like that... If someone won't check theselves and speak to you in a civil tone like someone they love.. then yeah get out. I understand that ppl can get mad and say things they don't mean.... but there is a line IMO that you don't cross.. because it becomes not just that they are mad... it becomes emotionally abuse and verbal abuse that scars you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violett Posted January 17, 2005 Author Share Posted January 17, 2005 Your right... "Life is to short to waste like that... If someone won't check theselves and speak to you in a civil tone like someone they love.. then yeah get out. " I guess now I'm feeling like crap because I handled it badly and stooped to his level by freaking out like that! I could just kick myself! I should have just stayed calm & left! (Which I've done before...) I gave him ammo to turn things around to me is all I did. Link to post Share on other sites
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