Feeling Low and Negative :( :(

[winny]

Hi Friends,

 

Failure after failure after failure in dating is making me feel so low and sad... I don't know what to do.

 

Met 3 guys in January, the last one seemed promising, but I don't know whats happening there now...

 

This is filling up my heart with so many negative emotions and I just feel like spending the entire day at home - sulking.

 

It is so tough to meet someone who meets your initial requirements and then to see that you still like them after seeing them in person and that they like you back too...

And then all these rules and games about who should text first, who should call first, when and how much physical intimacy is good or bad... scaring them off if you tell them your feelings too soon... waiting for their next move... blah blah... why it has to be so complicated. And it is so exhausting also...

 

Every time there is a disappointment, I try to be strong and be positive and tell myself the next guy will be good. It's not me, it's them. But how long this will go on... how long can I make myself to stay positive.

 

I want to be the person I really am. But am scared this is changing me into a person who cannot trust anyone and I hate that.

 

I know I can go now to the OLD site and set up a date for tonight if I want, but if I do so and I like him then again same tiring game will start...

 

It's almost like I am more okay to meet people who I don't like coz that means am not going to get hurt. Am so scared to meet someone I might actually end up liking coz then all confusion will begin.

 

I read all the crazy stuff people post about here... and I have never done anything like that. I am very normal, friendly and sweet and my texting pattern has also changed a lot. Earlier I used to text a lot with guys who showed interest in me... but I don't do that anymore. But looks like, asking a confirmation on a planned date is also chasing a guy! Initiating a text at times also equals chasing.... how so? If I like someone, why shouldn't I initiate texts sometimes... as long as I don't blow up their phones... It indirectly means that if you like someone and you do anything to show it then you turn them off...

 

Will I ever meet a guy who is normal and honest like me... who will not get turned off by the fact that I like him or dump me because I wouldn't sleep with him too soon... or is it too much to expect...

 

If anyone has anything positive to say... please do... waiting for this day to get over as soon as possible...

[Frank2thepoint]

Met 3 guys in January, the last one seemed promising, but I don't know whats happening there now...

 

Cheer up, at least you are meeting people. Some people on LS have given up on life before they hit their 30s and no longer want to get out and meet anyone. At least you are out there wading through the filth, looking for your unicorn, or something that is close enough to a unicorn.

 

 

It is so tough to meet someone who meets your initial requirements and then to see that you still like them after seeing them in person and that they like you back too...

 

What are these requirements? Are they basic such as the guy being gainfully employed, bathes - with soap - at least once a day, uses toothpaste and a toothbrush together on his teeth? Or are they a bit more complex?

 

 

And then all these rules and games about who should text first, who should call first, when and how much physical intimacy is good or bad... scaring them off if you tell them your feelings too soon... waiting for their next move... blah blah... why it has to be so complicated. And it is so exhausting also...

 

I feel you winny. There are rules where there shouldn't be. My only functional advice is do what you are comfortable doing and be confident about it. If you reach out to a guy first and he doesn't respond, don't take it as an insult - even though it is. Take it as the guy is not interested. Or he was mugged. Either way, he's unavailable. Don't be afraid to vocalize your intentions, but without ruining the mood. If by third or tenth date you like a guy, tell him. If he freaks out and can't handle a honest, strong woman, then you have your answer that he's not mature.

 

 

Every time there is a disappointment, I try to be strong and be positive and tell myself the next guy will be good. It's not me, it's them. But how long this will go on... how long can I make myself to stay positive.

 

In what way are men disappointing you? Do they present themselves in an illusionary way prior to meeting? Or are they just lackluster men?

 

 

I want to be the person I really am. But am scared this is changing me into a person who cannot trust anyone and I hate that.

 

Growing is important, but changing yourself at the core is disappointing. You can grow to how you deal with guys you date and their actions. Always judge a person by their actions, not just words. Going back to the example of initiating contact first, if you do this because you are confident person that knows what she wants, then keep doing it. Now the guys who view this as too aggressive or take you for granted, then you must grow a tougher skin and take a harder stance on not wasting your time with such guys.

 

 

It's almost like I am more okay to meet people who I don't like coz that means am not going to get hurt.

 

Now you are starting to sound like those guys you date. Why would want to lead someone on? Why would you want to dole out some pain because of a few immature boys?

 

 

I read all the crazy stuff people post about here... and I have never done anything like that.

 

This place is a treasure trove of drama and lessons. Years ago I was in a 7 Eleven out on Long Island, I was on line getting a coffee. The TV was displaying some nuggets of information. One stood out to me and influenced my life. It was (and I'm paraphrasing) "a smart man is he who learns from his mistakes; a smarter man is he who learns from others' mistakes"

 

 

I am very normal, friendly and sweet and my texting pattern has also changed a lot. Earlier I used to text a lot with guys who showed interest in me... but I don't do that anymore. But looks like, asking a confirmation on a planned date is also chasing a guy! Initiating a text at times also equals chasing.... how so? If I like someone, why shouldn't I initiate texts sometimes... as long as I don't blow up their phones... It indirectly means that if you like someone and you do anything to show it then you turn them off...

 

I agree with you completely. I experience the same as well, and I'm a man getting this type of sh*t from women. Honestly, it's not embedded in a gender, it's embedded into the individual person. But you can argue, why are so many people so rude, disrespectful, uncaring as*holes? It could be the environment they grew up in, media, personal experiences, or combination of all. My personal explanation is that Earth is a dumping ground for all the cosmic filth.

 

 

Will I ever meet a guy who is normal and honest like me... who will not get turned off by the fact that I like him or dump me because I wouldn't sleep with him too soon... or is it too much to expect...

 

I'm here baby

 

 

If anyone has anything positive to say... please do... waiting for this day to get over as soon as possible...

 

The God Emperor protects.

[mammasita]

Stop feeling so low and do something for YOURSELF!

 

Go get your nails done, get your hair styled. Go buy some red stilettos! If I were close by, I'd drag you out to happy hour. I always meet interesting men and get a free drink or two sitting at a restaurant bar

 

And please don't go to a mans house on the third date anymore - make him WORK for you

[nadinefleur]

Hi Winny, I don't have anything positive to say, but it might make you feel better that I am going through the exact same thing as you. You are not alone in this, and one day I'm sure we will meet our special guy..

 

But I totally understand where you are coming from, and how you feel like just giving up.. I totally feel like its such hard work!

[SYLLPalmer]

 

 

Growing is important, but changing yourself at the core is disappointing. You can grow to how you deal with guys you date and their actions. Always judge a person by their actions, not just words. Going back to the example of initiating contact first, if you do this because you are confident person that knows what she wants, then keep doing it. Now the guys who view this as too aggressive or take you for granted, then you must grow a tougher skin and take a harder stance on not wasting your time with such guys.

 

 

I am 42 and you just gave me vital information. People say things like this all the time but to me it was just another thing people always say that means a whole lot of nothing (i.e. happiness comes from with in yata yata another string). I guess when the student is ready the teacher will appear. OMG cant wait to try it out. You are a genius.

 

It makes perfect sense. Analogy: if I am a kitten why would I want to date a mouse? I wouldn't. Thank you Tiger.

[winny]

Stop feeling so low and do something for YOURSELF!

 

Go get your nails done, get your hair styled. Go buy some red stilettos! If I were close by, I'd drag you out to happy hour. I always meet interesting men and get a free drink or two sitting at a restaurant bar

 

And please don't go to a mans house on the third date anymore - make him WORK for you

 

People are sleeping together on first date and it was my third!

And he picked me up and dropped me back... I wasn't going there on my own.

 

If I went to a guy's place on a third date n we made out a bit... I don't think anything is wrong ... what is wrong is with his intention... and I don't think that would change if I make anyone work hard... they would just work till they sleep with me n then run away...

If he liked me all this wouldn't matter.

[SYLLPalmer]

Hi Friends,

 

 

 

It is so tough to meet someone who meets your initial requirements and then to see that you still like them after seeing them in person and that they like you back too...

And then all these rules and games about who should text first, who should call first, when and how much physical intimacy is good or bad... scaring them off if you tell them your feelings too soon... waiting for their next move... blah blah... why it has to be so complicated. And it is so exhausting also...

 

 

Item for item I literally just brought each of your points in case to my mother when explaining the process of WHY I got snowed. So in 45 mins I am meeting another precious candidate. Only this time I am adding more check boxes to the list. 1. Can I stomach him physically? 2. Is he worth my time?

 

If the answers to 1. and 2. are yes THEN the work begins. Now I gotta figure out if he is a player. A friend recently gave me some excellent tips which I am going to practice today. Will let you know what I find. If he fails one of the acids tests he is getting my new scripted auto text.

Hi! I had a great time learning about you, but unfortunately I have decided to pursue other people at this time. I wish you luck. Me.

 

Oh it hurts to get but I am going to love doling in out. Empowerment.

[winny]

What are these requirements? Are they basic such as the guy being gainfully employed, bathes - with soap - at least once a day, uses toothpaste and a toothbrush together on his teeth? Or are they a bit more complex?

Yeah the basics... holding up a conversation n being educated n having a job... not creepy... well groomed... these are enough for a first date...

In what way are men disappointing you? Do they present themselves in an illusionary way prior to meeting? Or are they just lackluster men?

 

I have never been catfished. So they have been the way they looked online, jobs or education wise.

 

They disappoint me because, during the date or after it, they compliment me numerous times. Like how beautiful I am, how funny I am. How they hardly meet anyone who is so easy n fun to talk to... and some even compliment me on my character... so if I am liking this person back, then I feel happy that they are enjoying too. And apart from one date, rest all have mentioned during or after the date that they want to see me again. And when I get back to them the next day about when I am free next... there is nothing... or sometimes I don't hear back from them when they fix a day with me on the date itself. And then I don't know whether I should follow up or not.

And however much I keep myself busy, at the back of my mind I know that this guy didn't contact me back.

 

Now about the last guy... we had 3 back to back dates... until he cancelled one saying his Dad has been recently diagnosed with cancer so he has to accompany him to the doctor.

So I asked him does he want us to continue seeing each other. He answered in affirmative.

Now I don't know whether I should just wait till he comes back. I don't know what happened at the doctor. If I don't text him will he think am running away because of this Dads health issue. If I text him will he think am needy and not giving him space to deal with this problem.

So it's hanging situation...

 

Maybe he will come back after few days, maybe he wont...

 

But right now my situation is if, someone shouts from top of the roof that he likes me and wants to continue seeing me.... i don't know whether I should believe or not.

[mammasita]

People are sleeping together on first date and it was my third!

And he picked me up and dropped me back... I wasn't going there on my own.

 

If I went to a guy's place on a third date n we made out a bit... I don't think anything is wrong ... what is wrong is with his intention... and I don't think that would change if I make anyone work hard... they would just work till they sleep with me n then run away...

If he liked me all this wouldn't matter.

 

And? My opinion is your approach is all wrong, my opinion is you didn't make him put in any work.....

 

but what do I know, I've never done any of this before

[winny]

And? My opinion is your approach is all wrong, my opinion is you didn't make him put in any work.....

 

but what do I know, I've never done any of this before

 

Then tell me how to make someone put in work without playing games.

[Targetlock]

I know the feeling, it seems to be failure after failure for me as well but at least you get to the dating stage, i get to the chatting well then they disappear happened recently.

But hey we've just got to focus on the positives and persevere, eventually we will get what we are after

[winny]

I know the feeling, it seems to be failure after failure for me as well but at least you get to the dating stage, i get to the chatting well then they disappear happened recently.

But hey we've just got to focus on the positives and persevere, eventually we will get what we are after

 

Thanks... but getting to dating stage n then being dropped sucks more

 

But yeah... hopefully... one day...

[nadinefleur]

Then tell me how to make someone put in work without playing games.

 

This is what I would like to know

[winny]

This is what I would like to know

 

LOL

 

I have met around 8 guys on dates till now.

And my strategy is always same.

 

1) If they tell me on the first date that they would like to meet me again and to let them know when I am free next, then after getting home if I feel I like them enough for a second meet, I text them on the next day. This is when most guys bail. They give vague answers. Continue to text till I stop texting them. I have no idea why say you would like to meet and waste my time. What should I do differently here?

 

If I don't think I want to meet for a second date - I text saying .. sorry I don't think we are compatible. No problems here.

 

2) If a guy I liked, texts me after a date saying that he enjoyed and when can he see me next, I tell him clearly when I am available. And if he asks me out on that day, I say yes and meet him again. This has happened 2 times. First guy disappeared on me after 2 months of constant texting and 2 dates. Second guy is the one who took me to his house on 3rd date and later cancelled 4th date saying his Dad has cancer and he is traveling to adjacent state for doctor appointment but would continue to see me when back and is AWOL since 4 days now. This is also where I would like to know what to do different.

 

3) If a guy doesn't mention anything during the date or after the date, I take it he is not interested. Happened twice. No problems here.

 

4) I have never texted back any guy from my end first after a date if they didn't mention a second meet or text me first. No problems here.

 

5) Only once one guy texted me the next day saying he didn't find a connection. So we said good bye and good luck. No problems here.

 

6) Once I had to cancel and I called up the guy and apologized profusely and set up a new date with him. He agreed. No problems here.

 

7) I follow the texting patterns of the guys. I text them as much as they text me. I initiate sometimes. Am never needy/clingy/angry etc in my texts. This has confused me sometimes when they declare their feelings on texts. Or are sometimes very late in responding. Or say that they will call, but instead text to ask me out. When the guy I mentioned above disappeared on me, I had sent him 3-4 texts asking whats up or whats wrong. Which maybe I shouldn't have. But I have been very controlled in texting this last guy.

 

I value other's time and effort and I am always very clear about when I am free for a date. I don't believe in making others wait or be hard to get unnecessarily or lead someone on. If I don't like them I tell them. I never like to put anyone through the guessing game. Also I take time to open up to physical intimacy so I have never slept with any of these guys.

I have never been to anyone's house apart from the last guy. I went because when I said... this is awkward for me he assured me I will be fine and he just wants to spend time with me and will pick n drop me. When I was there I really didn't feel uncomfortable.

Maybe I should have turned down his invitation. But frankly, I also wanted to have some private time with him n make out a little... and that's not possible in public or in his car. And that's all I did. There was nothing off in his behavior later and I still feel if he was actually into me - this wouldn't be a reason for him to dump me unceremoniously. Or that by making him work harder I could have changed his intentions.

 

But if someone can enlighten us as to how to do this dating thing differently from what described above then maybe will get to see some success next time.

[pickflicker]

You don't have to play games, you just need to stop caring about what they think.

 

You also need to be busy and emotionally fulfilled. Be surrounded by people who think you're awesome. Be busy. Don't take it seriously. And if they dump you in a couple of months, lick your wounds and get back on the horse.

 

Look, dating is all about risk. The risk is catastrophically high that you'll meet idiot after idiot. You have to develop a thicker skin, recognise good behaviour from bad, and if they end up being a douche, don't take it seriously. Their douchy behaviour has more to do with them, than it does with you.

 

No going to a guy's house unless you intend to have sex and can make peace with the possibility that he won't call after. If you cannot make peace with that, then don't sleep with him. He'll either hang in there, or bugger off, but at least you know where you stand.

[winny]

No going to a guy's house unless you intend to have sex and can make peace with the possibility that he won't call after. If you cannot make peace with that, then don't sleep with him. He'll either hang in there, or bugger off, but at least you know where you stand.

 

I agree with you.

Next time I will not go to any guy's house on the 3rd date at least...LOL..

But if I go eventually and we end up having sex then still I have to be ready that he may not come back...

 

Some girls are getting dumped because they slept with the guy on third date and I am getting dumped coz I didn't... haha..

 

Actually I think any time any one can just disappear and you really cannot do much about it.. LOL

Edited February 5, 2014 by winny

[pickflicker]

I agree with you.

Next time I will not go to any guy's house on the 3rd date at least...LOL..

But if I go eventually and we end up having sex then still I have to be ready that he may not come back...

 

Some girls are getting dumped because they slept with the guy on third date and I am getting dumped coz I didn't... haha..

 

Actually I think any time any one can just disappear and you really cannot do much about it.. LOL

 

It doesn't matter. If you want to sleep with someone, sleep with them. Just don't think that sex equals commitment. Don't think someone will have the respect to end things properly instead of just disappearing. Never, ever expect another person to treat you the same way that you would expect to be treated. Just live your life by your own moral code - whatever that is.

 

I treat people the way that I wish to be treated. If they burn me, they get the boot. I don't get discouraged to continue being the fabulous person that I am, I just simply write off the idiots and keep going forward. Always forward...

[Eau Claire]

Re 'the rules'

 

I only have one set of rules...mine...when it comes to sleeping with a man.

 

We know each other very well (a couple of months). I want him forever. We are an exclusive couple. He declares his love for me. No exceptions. None. I don't care how horny I am or want him physically.

 

I've never had a man stop wanting to be with me because I was particular about whom I let touch my body. If a man did stop pursuing me then he was not a man I would want for a partner.

[winny]

It doesn't matter. If you want to sleep with someone, sleep with them. Just don't think that sex equals commitment. Don't think someone will have the respect to end things properly instead of just disappearing. Never, ever expect another person to treat you the same way that you would expect to be treated. Just live your life by your own moral code - whatever that is.

 

I treat people the way that I wish to be treated. If they burn me, they get the boot. I don't get discouraged to continue being the fabulous person that I am, I just simply write off the idiots and keep going forward. Always forward...

 

I really like this attitude of yours

I am not sure whether this is something I would like to do myself, but really gives me some food for thought. Thanks

[winny]

Re 'the rules'

 

I only have one set of rules...mine...when it comes to sleeping with a man.

 

We know each other very well (a couple of months). I want him forever. We are an exclusive couple. He declares his love for me. No exceptions. None. I don't care how horny I am or want him physically.

 

I've never had a man stop wanting to be with me because I was particular about whom I let touch my body. If a man did stop pursuing me then he was not a man I would want for a partner.

 

This is how I would like it to be.

[winny]

If a man did stop pursuing me then he was not a man I would want for a partner.

 

And I think the reason why last 2 guys disappeared was because I didn't want to cross my limits. Or they felt they cannot make me. I should be happy that they didn't get their way

[pickflicker]

I really like this attitude of yours

I am not sure whether this is something I would like to do myself, but really gives me some food for thought. Thanks

 

It's taken nearly 32 years to get to this point, and I'm not all the way there. But it gets easier as you get older. You get friends for life, you get more comfortable in yourself and your own skin... and people who are f*ckwits suddenly become insignificant...

[winny]

It's taken nearly 32 years to get to this point, and I'm not all the way there. But it gets easier as you get older. You get friends for life, you get more comfortable in yourself and your own skin... and people who are f*ckwits suddenly become insignificant...

 

I am just this super fun and cool person always, but it does suck when you think a guy has some potential and he drops you like a hot potato.

 

Am very soft inside... and even though am very particular in my limits when it comes to physical intimacy (I cannot have sex for the sake of it, I need to have an emotional connection before it) and I know I shouldn't be feeling bad if the person in front of me is a douche bag... the first few days when the realization is sinking in... are very hurtful. Confidence is somewhere down in the dumps... only negative thoughts come into mind...

 

But I know myself, I will be fine in 2-3 days

[winny]

what is that supposed to mean? put in work? I put in work and the lazy woman just ignores my call.

 

Hahaha... you make me laugh... thanks

 

You should put in work into making her feel special, not into proving that you are a psycho

[ashy555]

Winnie... What you're saying sounds exactly like me. Infact I posted a very similar post to this a few days ago.

 

The games, the texts, should i text first or wait for him?, do you think hes not texting because he is waiting for me to make an effort or has he lost interest?

 

Dating to me seems to be full of a lot of anxiety rather than going with the flow. I was recently(last week) 'dumped' by someone i was dating for 3 months. After meeting his family numerous times and hanging out with his friends and taking me to his christmas party etc.. he still tried to pull the slow fade instead of being honest with me. Dont worry he copped an earful when i confronted him.. he also made some ridiculous excuse. I have only ever gotten the slow fade. I have never ever had a guy actually be honest with me... so everytime i meet someone i start to get a gut feeling he is pulling the same thing. I am almost 24 but i have dated my fair share of men. I have never had a relationship and im still stuck wondering why some of my friends are in relationship AFTER relationship and i cant even get one. Im always the one that gets let down ALWAYS. It makes you start to doubt yourself. Im in the process trying to get my self confidence back to scratch.

 

So i know that i dont really have any advice for you as im still trying to find the answers myself because im so over getting my heart bruised time after time by a bunch of cowards. I just wanted you to know you are not alone

I dont know how old you are etc and that im still very young... but some people just seem to get the s*** end of the stick for a while. Try and take comfort in the fact that none of these are working out for a reason. Maybe the right person just hasnt made an appearance as yet.