Feeling Low and Negative :( :(

[Frank2thepoint]

Now I don't know whether I should just wait till he comes back. I don't know what happened at the doctor. If I don't text him will he think am running away because of this Dads health issue. If I text him will he think am needy and not giving him space to deal with this problem.

So it's hanging situation...

 

Maybe he will come back after few days, maybe he wont...

 

The guy put it out there that he has to take care of his father. Let him be for now. You can message him in a few days, if you want to, for two reasons. One is show your concern and sympathy. Two to see if he still remembers you. Although giving the guy a little space due to the situation of his father is respectful, I am also assuming the guy's father is ambulatory and not an invalid. Therefore the guy can easily reach out to you just to keep you in the loop that he hasn't forgotten about you. If he doesn't respond back or gives an evasive answer, you have your answer right there. He's no longer interested. Don't fret, look at the positive. Another one bites the dust.

[winny]

Winnie... What you're saying sounds exactly like me. Infact I posted a very similar post to this a few days ago.

 

The games, the texts, should i text first or wait for him?, do you think hes not texting because he is waiting for me to make an effort or has he lost interest?

 

Dating to me seems to be full of a lot of anxiety rather than going with the flow. I was recently(last week) 'dumped' by someone i was dating for 3 months. After meeting his family numerous times and hanging out with his friends and taking me to his christmas party etc.. he still tried to pull the slow fade instead of being honest with me. Dont worry he copped an earful when i confronted him.. he also made some ridiculous excuse. I have only ever gotten the slow fade. I have never ever had a guy actually be honest with me... so everytime i meet someone i start to get a gut feeling he is pulling the same thing. I am almost 24 but i have dated my fair share of men. I have never had a relationship and im still stuck wondering why some of my friends are in relationship AFTER relationship and i cant even get one. Im always the one that gets let down ALWAYS. It makes you start to doubt yourself. Im in the process trying to get my self confidence back to scratch.

 

So i know that i dont really have any advice for you as im still trying to find the answers myself because im so over getting my heart bruised time after time by a bunch of cowards. I just wanted you to know you are not alone

I dont know how old you are etc and that im still very young... but some people just seem to get the s*** end of the stick for a while. Try and take comfort in the fact that none of these are working out for a reason. Maybe the right person just hasnt made an appearance as yet.

 

Thank you so much

 

I spoke to a friend last evening and was feeling all right. But then I got up this morning feeling so bad.

 

And it's not because of one guy.

 

It's because of getting hurt again and again and again.... in past 3 years...

It takes so much effort to get normal again... to find the courage to go out... to keep the negative feelings aside and give a new guy a chance... and then when it fails... so disappointing. And when it is done thru fading or disappearing, it hurts so much more. Because you feel am I so stupid that once again I fell for the same kind of person. U start to doubt everything about yourself. You analyze and over analyze.... while you were genuine and normal and were giving a sincere effort to know a guy... Never being needy or crazy or sending drunken texts etc. And I only go for those guys who say they are looking for long term relationship. Who have good education and stuff... and who tell me that they hate to be in hanging position and hate doing the fade out... And then they do such a thing... it adds more to the hurt... You feel like I shouldn't believe anything that a guy tells me at all.... but if you do that then you are just keeping yourself in your shell. And you don't fall in love that way...

 

So I am hating it that now for some time, I would go thru all this pain and insulted feeling and neglect my work... be a mess... questioning everything...

 

It's just my bad luck... I don't know what else to call this.

[winny]

The guy put it out there that he has to take care of his father. Let him be for now. You can message him in a few days, if you want to, for two reasons. One is show your concern and sympathy. Two to see if he still remembers you. Although giving the guy a little space due to the situation of his father is respectful, I am also assuming the guy's father is ambulatory and not an invalid. Therefore the guy can easily reach out to you just to keep you in the loop that he hasn't forgotten about you. If he doesn't respond back or gives an evasive answer, you have your answer right there. He's no longer interested. Don't fret, look at the positive. Another one bites the dust.

 

I have just sent him a message earlier saying that - I understand that he is busy and to call/text me when he is free and that I would like to go out with him again and if he needs any help from me (about his Dad's health issue) he can let me know.

 

And left it there....

 

Maybe I will check in a week or something again...

[mammasita]

winny, I can relate to how you're feeling. The over and over and over again.....picking up pieces. I was caught in a 30 day rut with guys for such a long time. I'd meet them, think they were the greatest thing since sliced bread and at about 30 days they'd slowly do the fade.

 

I used to call it the "30 day curse". I would give them too much waaaaaay too soon. I wouldn't set boundaries. I basically let them know with my actions (unbeknownst to me at the time - realization in retrospect) that I didn't expect much and would give them the world on a silver platter. HUGE MISTAKES. Basically I was letting them know I would take whatever crumbs they would throw out at me. No worthwhile man wants a crumb snatcher (lol).

 

When I said make guys work for you, do that. Make THEM put in some effort.

 

For example - stop messaging this guy who had to go help his father. If you don't reach out to him, I promise you he's not going to think you've lost interest or have forgotten about him.

 

Do things different.....If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

[winny]

winny, I can relate to how you're feeling. The over and over and over again.....picking up pieces. I was caught in a 30 day rut with guys for such a long time. I'd meet them, think they were the greatest thing since sliced bread and at about 30 days they'd slowly do the fade.

 

I used to call it the "30 day curse". I would give them too much waaaaaay too soon. I wouldn't set boundaries. I basically let them know with my actions (unbeknownst to me at the time - realization in retrospect) that I didn't expect much and would give them the world on a silver platter. HUGE MISTAKES. Basically I was letting them know I would take whatever crumbs they would throw out at me. No worthwhile man wants a crumb snatcher (lol).

 

When I said make guys work for you, do that. Make THEM put in some effort.

 

For example - stop messaging this guy who had to go help his father. If you don't reach out to him, I promise you he's not going to think you've lost interest or have forgotten about him.

 

Do things different.....If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

 

I know what you mean And believe me I am trying so hard to not be my old self.

I used to be this person who always reached out first. Who tried hard to keep a conversation going. I was so bad in letting go. And believing that other good guys are out there. I spent all my time in making the relationship work with almost zero input from the guys. And these things were with my last boyfriends. Dating is new to me.. but I am not going to repeat these stuff.

 

With this last guy, I think I did pretty well.

I kept texting to as much as he was doing. I didn't reach out to him everyday.

All 3 meetings were initiated by him. I didn't cross any boundaries of physical intimacy.

Yes, some of my texts were very sweet, which some people here pointed me out that they shouldn't be. And I will keep that in mind.

 

But there are certain things about me, which I would do for a stranger even. Not trying to impress anyone.

If I feel they are in problem, I will show my sympathy. Really not expecting anything in return. That's who I am.

 

I came to know someone's Dad has cancer... I just sent a text I thought I should send to show my concern and also to let him know I would like to hear back from him since he said he wants to continue seeing me.

[winny]

 

I would give them too much waaaaaay too soon. I wouldn't set boundaries. I basically let them know with my actions (unbeknownst to me at the time - realization in retrospect) that I didn't expect much and would give them the world on a silver platter. HUGE MISTAKES. Basically I was letting them know I would take whatever crumbs they would throw out at me. No worthwhile man wants a crumb snatcher (lol).

 

That's me a year or so back with my last boyfriend.

 

I am transitioning now... but I guess am not still there yet...

[winny]

I have just sent him a message earlier saying that - I understand that he is busy and to call/text me when he is free and that I would like to go out with him again and if he needs any help from me (about his Dad's health issue) he can let me know.

 

And left it there....

 

Maybe I will check in a week or something again...

 

Also, I sent this text bcoz he said he wants to continue seeing me.

[mammasita]

Also, I sent this text bcoz he said he wants to continue seeing me.

But didn't you ask him if he wanted to continue seeing you?

 

Most people (men & women) are cowards. You have to let his actions speak, not his words.

 

I've learned not to ask men if they want to see me. I NEVER ask them if they like me. Let them be. Let him show you he wants to see you and talk to you.

 

I'm not saying its wrong to step up and take the lead every now and then, I'm saying there's a balance.

[winny]

But didn't you ask him if he wanted to continue seeing you?

 

Most people (men & women) are cowards. You have to let his actions speak, not his words.

 

I've learned not to ask men if they want to see me. I NEVER ask them if they like me. Let them be. Let him show you he wants to see you and talk to you.

 

I'm not saying its wrong to step up and take the lead every now and then, I'm saying there's a balance.

 

Yes, I asked him.

Because when he said, he is traveling out of state, I didn't want to be hanging and wanted to give him a way out just in case he wants that...

So I asked... hey do you want us to continue seeing each other after u r back.

 

I thought if he is not interested he would say - I am not sure, I will let you know or some other vague answer and I will know.

But he said yes. And added that his Dad got cancer recently so he wants to be with him when they go to the doctor.

Edited February 5, 2014 by winny

[Scales]

There is a lot of over analyzing going on here. If the guy likes you, he will make an attempt to see you again. If not, you either didn't match what he wants or he found someone he thinks is better. Girls do the same thing. I had a girl lie to me about her grandpa dying because she didn't want to meet up. I'm ok with that because what kind of psycho does that. Really though its just another form of rejection. If the guy says his dad has cancer and then just does no contact for a week or two, I wouldn't be quick to believe him. People are just as terrible at rejecting others as they are at being rejected.

 

Sitting around thinking about this stuff just makes you bummed out. Don't do it because its out of your control. Slow down your investment in people. Also, 3 dates is more than enough. If you don't know that you want to be in a relationship by then you are just adding time for the fun of it. Anybody who says they aren't sure or are too busy are full of garbage. They know. So like someone else said move forward or at least cut your investment.

[winny]

There is a lot of over analyzing going on here. If the guy likes you, he will make an attempt to see you again. If not, you either didn't match what he wants or he found someone he thinks is better. Girls do the same thing. I had a girl lie to me about her grandpa dying because she didn't want to meet up. I'm ok with that because what kind of psycho does that. Really though its just another form of rejection. If the guy says his dad has cancer and then just does no contact for a week or two, I wouldn't be quick to believe him. People are just as terrible at rejecting others as they are at being rejected.

 

Sitting around thinking about this stuff just makes you bummed out. Don't do it because its out of your control. Slow down your investment in people. Also, 3 dates is more than enough. If you don't know that you want to be in a relationship by then you are just adding time for the fun of it. Anybody who says they aren't sure or are too busy are full of garbage. They know. So like someone else said move forward or at least cut your investment.

 

I agree with you that if someone lies about cancer etc to dump you then that person is crazy.

 

What we are discussing is to how to change my dating mistakes.

And am feeling low coz of many rejections which were done with lies n fading out. And that hurts so much. And getting back to normalcy is a painful process.

 

Am not worried about this guy am worried about the next one...

[Scales]

I agree with you that if someone lies about cancer etc to dump you then that person is crazy.

 

What we are discussing is to how to change my dating mistakes.

And am feeling low coz of many rejections which were done with lies n fading out. And that hurts so much. And getting back to normalcy is a painful process.

 

Am not worried about this guy am worried about the next one...

 

Yeah thats just tough. No advice I can give on that really. I understand the text frustration and why everything has to be strategic instead of simple these days. All I can say is that finding someone you love requires an incredible amount of risk now. There is nothing to prevent your heart getting stomped on.

[Frank2thepoint]

I have just sent him a message earlier saying that - I understand that he is busy and to call/text me when he is free and that I would like to go out with him again and if he needs any help from me (about his Dad's health issue) he can let me know.

 

And left it there....

 

Maybe I will check in a week or something again...

 

Do not check in with him a week after you sent the message. The ball is in his court. If he decides to return the serve, then good. If he doesn't respond within a few days, let alone a week, then don't bother pursuing him. He's not interested. An interested person does not keep someone hanging like that.

 

I admire your tenacity, your courage to show your feelings. I really wish some of the women here in NYC were to have half of your emotional confidence that you possess winny, instead of the emotionless zombies that shamble around here. But I digress. The same amount of energy you invest into pursuing a man, you should channel it in dropping a man that doesn't reciprocate your gestures and effort.

[AnyaNova]

Do not check in with him a week after you sent the message. The ball is in his court. If he decides to return the serve, then good. If he doesn't respond within a few days, let alone a week, then don't bother pursuing him. He's not interested. An interested person does not keep someone hanging like that.

 

I admire your tenacity, your courage to show your feelings. I really wish some of the women here in NYC were to have half of your emotional confidence that you possess winny, instead of the emotionless zombies that shamble around here. But I digress. The same amount of energy you invest into pursuing a man, you should channel it in dropping a man that doesn't reciprocate your gestures and effort.

 

You know, I bet some of those emotionless zombies are like me.

 

I said once here, and it is very true, most people in my life don't see the sorts of things I post here. And generally speaking, my really strong emotions are only shared with a very few people who are very close to me.

 

Perhaps you need to get to know them before you assume that they are...just a thought.

[Frank2thepoint]

You know, I bet some of those emotionless zombies are like me.

 

I don't believe that for a moment. Not the way you describe your actions, your trials and tribulations.

 

 

Perhaps you need to get to know them before you assume that they are...just a thought.

 

Oh I try. I honestly do try to make a connection. But there is a sea of indifference and disconnect that many have cast themselves into here in NYC. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe it's an option from continued disappointment for some, or it's a comfort zone. I really don't know. But I've been out of a serious relationship for the past six years, gone on dates with women that run for the hills as soon as I tell them I like them, had women flake or not return calls/message. It is all very exhausting, but I keep trying, like a fool.

[winny]

Do not check in with him a week after you sent the message. The ball is in his court. If he decides to return the serve, then good. If he doesn't respond within a few days, let alone a week, then don't bother pursuing him. He's not interested. An interested person does not keep someone hanging like that.

 

I admire your tenacity, your courage to show your feelings. I really wish some of the women here in NYC were to have half of your emotional confidence that you possess winny, instead of the emotionless zombies that shamble around here. But I digress. The same amount of energy you invest into pursuing a man, you should channel it in dropping a man that doesn't reciprocate your gestures and effort.

 

Thanks for your comments

I really am very honest and whether I like someone or not I tell them about it clearly, coz I know it sucks to be left hanging. But frankly I have rarely met people who do the same in return.

 

About this guy, well I didn't text him anymore.

I saw him yesterday come online on the dating site after around 3 weeks.

So if he wanted to reach out to me, he would have, but he didn't. That answers everything I wanted to know.

Maybe it was just some sex he was looking for. Which is pathetic really .. to see someone so much educated and obviously well read and mature.. projecting themselves to be so much more and then... stoop down so low...

 

I know some people here commented I should have slept with him on that 3rd date. But I know that if a guy really liked me, he would wait more than 7 days for me. And he didn't. Nothing else really matters.

 

And I remember him telling me - how dating sucks because of the type of women he met and how it sucks to be left hanging. Guess he didn't feel anything at all while doing the same to another person.

 

It has been tough really, I don't know whether these people, like this guy, ever think about what their actions (or rather the lack of it) make people like me go through.

 

Day after day when I go through my life, trying to be positive, some times being almost successful at it and sometimes failing miserably.

[preraph]

To meet the right people, you have to get out of the house and go do the things you love most. Otherwise, it's just a crap shoot with bad odds. Someone who fits into your life will be running on a path that crosses yours.

[Frank2thepoint]

About this guy, well I didn't text him anymore.

I saw him yesterday come online on the dating site after around 3 weeks.

So if he wanted to reach out to me, he would have, but he didn't. That answers everything I wanted to know.

 

You are absolutely right. His actions reveal his true motives. Stay positive and be happy that you did not lose self-control. It's nerve-racking and headache inducing, to try and figure out the intentions of the opposite gender. But with the little trick of keeping it simple, breaking it down to its elements, that phrase "if he/she wanted to be with me, he/she would reach out to me" is more than enough to paint the truth to anyone that is willing to see it.

 

 

I know some people here commented I should have slept with him on that 3rd date. But I know that if a guy really liked me, he would wait more than 7 days for me. And he didn't. Nothing else really matters.

 

Timing on sex is all relative. If all three dates happen within two weeks, then yes it is too soon. But if the three dates happen over a span of a month or month and a half, then it's okay. But this assumes there is communication occurring between the dates so you have a better understanding of the each other.

 

 

And I remember him telling me - how dating sucks because of the type of women he met and how it sucks to be left hanging. Guess he didn't feel anything at all while doing the same to another person.

 

It has been tough really, I don't know whether these people, like this guy, ever think about what their actions (or rather the lack of it) make people like me go through.

 

Some people feel the need to lash out because of how unfair the dating world has treated them, even at the risk of hurting someone that can be very good for them. This is simply a mix of frustration and expectations colliding. Whether such people ever realize it, or they do except make excuses for it, you cannot control. Having a person standing in front of you, making a mistake, while you wish you teach them a lesson or help them understand what you do, is the greatest limitation of being an individual. You can only affect so much of your surroundings, but in reality, we are all trapped within ourselves trying hard for others to bask in what we can share, all while the other person is probably doing the same exact thing. Hence all the collision.

 

But with that limitation of affecting the outside world you have complete control of yourself. What you think, what you do, and how you handle outside forces. You set your own boundaries, what you are willing to accept and what you are not. You remain true to yourself, while exuding the confidence and self-respect that either people will cringe from due to lack of courage, or people will join you due to sharing that respect.

[winny]

Just wanted to tell everyone who posted that I am perfectly fine now

[Teraskas]

Just wanted to tell everyone who posted that I am perfectly fine now

 

That's great to hear.