She cheated and lied

[Bell_Ross]

New here and have a story for you all and some advice would be greatly appreciated. Just FYI I'm 35 and have dated plenty of women before this happened.

 

So I started dating her 6 years ago. She is divorced with one child. About 2 years into the relationship we moved in together. About a year later she cheated on me.

 

Let me describe what happened. We used to play online games (I know lame!) and she started talking to this guy without my knowledge. I found messages on her phone to him about how she wished she could be with him, blah blah blah. I confronted her and she said she was totally sorry and regretted the whole thing. Well a few weeks later she met up with the guy and cheated on me (one time). The guy was from out of state and someone she barely knew. She lied to my face from the time I found the text messages till the time I found out she cheated which was a few weeks later.

 

I caught her red handed and she finally fessed up. I told her it was over, but it was tough because we lived together. She said she was sorry over and over and wanted nothing more than to work it out.

 

I gave her a second shot, but I needed to know why she did it. She let me know that she didn't feel enough affection from me and slipped and did what she did. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I'm not an affectionate guy and can be a loner. She grew up in foster homes her whole life and has always had the extra needed to feel loved and a part of something, which I totally understand.

 

Its been three years since this incident and we are now engaged. I really love her, but every time I see a show about cheaters or hear it somewhere it all comes back to me. They always say "you'd be dumb to get back together", and it just makes me think. Am I that dumb guy, that guy that is desperate enough to stay with some one who cheated on them?

 

What do you guys think?

[TaraMaiden]

.... I'm not an affectionate guy and can be a loner. She grew up in foster homes her whole life and has always had the extra needed to feel loved and a part of something, which I totally understand.

 

Its been three years since this incident and we are now engaged. I really love her, but every time I see a show about cheaters or hear it somewhere it all comes back to me. They always say "you'd be dumb to get back together", and it just makes me think. Am I that dumb guy, that guy that is desperate enough to stay with some one who cheated on them?

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think you could both do with some pre-marital counselling.

If it's been 3 years and she has done nothing in all that time to make you suspicious or question your trust in her, then it's possible she did it at a time when she felt very insecure.

 

The reasons you give above are good reasons, but in the end, they're just excuses.

Why?

because they're forms of behaviour, of ways in people ebcome 'programmed' and that can be changed.

 

It's like the excuse "I'm an atheist, I can't help it, it's the way God made me".... it offloads responsibility onto something that happened to you.

But that doesn't mean it's WHO YOU ARE.

 

I take it since then you have both addressed this 'wanting affection and showing it' issue...?

I think speaking before a Counsellor and voicing your fears calmly and in a constructive manner, would help you both improve your communication, and address the trust issue too........

[drifter777]

I don't think you should have stayed with her after she cheated but you can't go back and re-do that decision. But now you have a do-over. Over the past 3 years you have agonized over your choice every time something happens to trigger you memories of what she did. Her "excuse" is really lame and pretty much the standard line of cheaters. The reason she did it is because it was exciting, fun, and it felt good. The question is why did she feel entitled to betray you like that? Because it was easier than confronting problems in your relationship? Not a great trait in a wife because marriage is hard. Really hard; and you both have to be willing to work and sacrifice to make it work. I don't know why you would go ahead and marry someone with her track record - I mean you have the advantage of knowing her past behavior BEFORE you marry her. It would be silly of you to move ahead in this relationship without a lot of counseling for you both and soul-searching on your part.

[BradJacobs]

Two questions related to the information that you provided ...

 

I gave her a second shot

Would she have given you another chance?

 

I'm not an affectionate guy and can be a loner.

A couple of years from now when you have an ebb in the marriage and you become a loner for a short period again, is it okay for her to cheat again?

 

And now the commentary ...

It doesn't matter at what point in the process you get angry or upset about what she did. It does matter that you continue to do it. You shouldn't marry this woman until you can get through that stuff without becoming angry.

 

Breaking up is easier and less costly than breaking up a marriage if you find out you will never get over those issues.

[lolablue17]

The only thing that bothers me is that after the first time when you caught her texting him, she had a chance to choose right, and she didnt.

 

I think a one time cheater \ liar - you can call it "slipped".

 

but after she slipped one time, well, she happened to slip the second time after all the promises and "remorse".

 

so if she has no hesitation to fake remorse, every time she will feel bad and a little lonely in the future - She can cheat just like that... (and maybe she already did it many time without you catching her)

[fixing]

Your never going to forget what she did to you, and why would you? Its the ultimate sin. Betrayal.

She didnt slip up, or made a drunken error. She planned it and did not care whatsoever about you or your feelings.

Instead, she turned it around on you and blames you for not showing her enough attention. Its pathetic. Shes pathetic. You should have left her instantly.

 

Now, you must leave her. Trust me, you're never going to be happy because of what she did.

 

How do you know she hasn't cheated ever since? Or before? She sounds like the classic serial cheater to me.

 

Why is she divorced? Did she ruin that marriage with cheating too?

 

I think you gotta end it now man. Seriously, your crazy if your going to marry a proven cheater.

[aliveagain]

lolablue17 has a valid point. You caught her twice. The first time was emotional, you caught her and she promised to stop. Instead she took it to a full physical affair breaking her promising to you. She really had to plan to pull it off, the guy lives out of state, between you and the kids it wasn't an easy task to do. Why does a woman go to that much trouble to bang a stranger? So what does this girls word mean to you, does it make you feel safe when she gives you her promise? If the answer is no don't marry her. If you decide to marry her anyway don't do it without a post nuptial in place giving you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity.

 

This was a planned meeting and not a drunken one night stand, she'd still be banging him if you hadn't caught her. If she hasn't gotten professional help finding why she needed validation from other men, and why loosing you wasn't enough to stop her, what makes you think she won't do it again, her word?

[tom670]

Your never going to forget what she did to you, and why would you? Its the ultimate sin. Betrayal.

She didnt slip up, or made a drunken error. She planned it and did not care whatsoever about you or your feelings.

Instead, she turned it around on you and blames you for not showing her enough attention. Its pathetic. Shes pathetic. You should have left her instantly.

 

Now, you must leave her. Trust me, you're never going to be happy because of what she did.

 

How do you know she hasn't cheated ever since? Or before? She sounds like the classic serial cheater to me.

 

Why is she divorced? Did she ruin that marriage with cheating too?

 

I think you gotta end it now man. Seriously, your crazy if your going to marry a proven cheater.

 

It sounds to me like you are going to be the classic "beta provider" for her where you take care of her kid while she seeks sex from other males.

I would think long and hard about this.

As far as her cheating did she confess or did you have to catch her.

If you see a future with her which I would not, she needs ic because of her seeking male validation so easily.

[StumpyNB]

The cheating is rough. The lying about it makes it even worse.

[Tayken]

3 words for ya....dump her ass

[Radu]

I gave her a second shot, but I needed to know why she did it. She let me know that she didn't feel enough affection from me and slipped and did what she did. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I'm not an affectionate guy and can be a loner. She grew up in foster homes her whole life and has always had the extra needed to feel loved and a part of something, which I totally understand.

The situation in the R before cheating has joint responsability. You were like that, and she could have communicated it to you in one form or another.

The act of cheating [especially how it went down], is 100% on her.

 

What were the repercusions ?

Or did you just kiss and make up, and moved it under the rug ?

 

Its been three years since this incident and we are now engaged. I really love her, but every time I see a show about cheaters or hear it somewhere it all comes back to me. They always say "you'd be dumb to get back together", and it just makes me think. Am I that dumb guy, that guy that is desperate enough to stay with some one who cheated on them?

What do you guys think?

Yes, you might ... from what you said, she has an addictive need to feel loved.

It won't be all sunshine and lollipops in life, so when life throws you another hard one your way, what will she do then for her fix ?

 

lolablue17 has a valid point. You caught her twice. The first time was emotional, you caught her and she promised to stop. Instead she took it to a full physical affair breaking her promising to you. She really had to plan to pull it off, the guy lives out of state, between you and the kids it wasn't an easy task to do. Why does a woman go to that much trouble to bang a stranger? So what does this girls word mean to you, does it make you feel safe when she gives you her promise? If the answer is no don't marry her. If you decide to marry her anyway don't do it without a post nuptial in place giving you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity.

 

This was a planned meeting and not a drunken one night stand, she'd still be banging him if you hadn't caught her. If she hasn't gotten professional help finding why she needed validation from other men, and why loosing you wasn't enough to stop her, what makes you think she won't do it again, her word?

Very good points.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Radu

[Poppygoodwill]

You guys are harsh! What about perspective? Three years they've been together since this happened and as far as the OP told us, nothing like this has happened again. She made a mistake and for the last three years has been a faithful and loyal girlfriend, proving perhaps that one can screw up and make amends.

 

The OP can't forget it, and that's a shame, but that's also his problem, right? We choose what we focus on. And we are happy or unhappy based on that.

 

Trust takes two things: one party to behave in a trustworthy way. And the other party to make the conscious choice to pay attention to the trustworthy behaviour and put their trust in that person.

 

I suggest that everytime the OP feels the urge to think back on her betrayal, he switch his thoughts right away to reflect on three good things she has done for him in the time since. Focus on the ways she has been good to you, as a way of changing your habit of thinking about that one bad thing.

 

Also: be sure that you both talk extensively about loyalty and communication inside marriage. What it means to you, what your expectations are, how you hope to meet one another's needs...etc. All married cuoples should do this, but especially those with a history of stepping out.

[aliveagain]

You guys are harsh! What about perspective? Three years they've been together since this happened and as far as the OP told us, nothing like this has happened again. She made a mistake and for the last three years has been a faithful and loyal girlfriend, proving perhaps that one can screw up and make amends.

 

The OP can't forget it, and that's a shame, but that's also his problem, right? We choose what we focus on. And we are happy or unhappy based on that.

 

Trust takes two things: one party to behave in a trustworthy way. And the other party to make the conscious choice to pay attention to the trustworthy behaviour and put their trust in that person.

 

I suggest that everytime the OP feels the urge to think back on her betrayal, he switch his thoughts right away to reflect on three good things she has done for him in the time since. Focus on the ways she has been good to you, as a way of changing your habit of thinking about that one bad thing.

 

Also: be sure that you both talk extensively about loyalty and communication inside marriage. What it means to you, what your expectations are, how you hope to meet one another's needs...etc. All married cuoples should do this, but especially those with a history of stepping out.

 

All sounds good had she not plotted with other man for so long, I would still insist on a post nuptial agreement.

[Tayken]

I say again...."let her go", unless of course you want to hang around to see her do it again, and then you cry wolf?

[road]

run forest run

[No Limit]

that dumb guy, that guy that is desperate enough to stay with some one who cheated on them

 

These few words are my whole opinion, yeah.

 

So she felt let down? What if she feels that way again in a few years and you'll relive it a second time?

And about her being an individual that needs that "extra feeling of love/attention", you're not her father. What I don't get in many relationships is when people want romance and see that for example their partner might be a little bit too busy, let's say due to work, and then they spend all their time in chats hooking a stranger instead of using that time to buy a few candles and try cooking some nice dinner with rose petals on it? Really?

 

Did she ever take more action than excusing over and over and over again? Anything that might show that she absolutely wants you and only you and that it was all a terrible mistake (even though I can't imagine this in your case, someone who plans doesn't mistaken their feelings/needs, they mistake their timeline and mess up not getting caught)?

She had 4 years time expressing it, you know.

 

Can't even imagine how hooking up per MMORPG is supposed to work. The sight of an Orc armed to the teeth isn't exactly the most handsome picture you could have of a guy.

[Beauweir]

I do not mean to be harsh, but since you did ask I will be honest: yes, I do feel you are "that dumb guy" in this situation. Let me explain why. Think of when a person cheats, imagine a person goes out somewhere and gets really drunk and ends up making a mistake and cheating. This is bad, however, that person did NOT wake up that day and say "I am going to drunkenly cheat on my spouse". They did not look their spouse in the eye that day knowing full well they were going to cheat. I am not saying it makes it ok that it wasn't planned, but rather just trying to get you to understand what it means when the fact is this WAS planned.

 

The day this girl met up with this guy for sex she knew ahead of time it was going to happen. They met online, so there is no way they would just bump into each other. This means she made plans with him, set a specific time and date..to have sex with this man. All while at the same time..being with you and probably acting like nothing was wrong. Looking you in the eyes, saying she loved you, etc. all while knowing what she planned to do. The day she banged this guy..she woke up that day knowing she'd do it, and did it anyways.

 

This makes her a thousand times worse then the other scenario of cheating I described(a drunken slip up). This makes her..frankly, this makes her trashy. She met some creep on the internet and then went and slept with him. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? She's toxic, do not waste your life with a woman who could do this to you. Take a step back and think about how awful it was when she did this, now imagine how much worse it will be the next time it happens, after you are married? Also, what if you end up having kids of your own with her? What then? She cheats and now you get joint custody and have to see your own kid half as much as you normally would all because she can't keep her legs closed?

 

My advice to you would be to end the engagement. Do you not feel you deserve a woman with more self control? Who would not completely betray you like this? What happens the next time she feels she isn't getting enough attention? My advice is to not waste anymore of your life with this person. Find someone who truly values you. I am not saying go looking for the perfect woman because she doesn't exist(nobody is perfect) but there are PLENTY of woman who would saw off their own arm before they'd betray their spouse in such a way. Go find one of those women. If you marry her, it will forever be tainted by the immense betrayal she committed. If you had other marital problems that might be different, but since these involve her bringing another man into this? I'm afraid she's ruined any chance of giving you the type of marriage you deserve.

 

I somewhat know what you are going through, I have a wife and son. We recently had a major issue over a betrayal and lie, but it thankfully wasn't anything to do with her cheating on me, because if that was the case she would of been out of my life and kicked to the curb in a microsecond.

 

I guess what I am saying overall is we only get one life, so spend it with someone who would never do these things to you.

 

As someone who has recently dumpid his ex because of her doing this, I completely agree with Thompkins. My ex went online as well and yes, it is unforgivable.

I had to consider the unstable home life I would be giving future kids if I stayed with her and she (inevitably) did it again. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on any future offspring for them to have a broken home because you didn't make the right choice now. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but as someone who also came from a broken home because one parent cheated on the other you really do need to consider the effect it would have on your future kids.

[BeholdtheMan]

but I needed to know why she did it

 

You need a serving of brutal truth. Do you know why she did it? She did it because you were a door mat who stuck around even after finding out about her cheating...

 

You took her back with minimal consequences. What message does that send?

 

Let me tell you...

 

"It's easy to cheat on this guy. He's too scared to walk away because he has no options. I've got him wrapped around my finger. I'll keep him around as a back-up plan/provider while I bang hotter guys behind his back. If he finds out, I'll just put on my sad face for a week or two"

 

Its been three years since this incident and we are now engaged.

Are you insane? Do you really have no options better than a two-time cheater?

 

I really love her

No, you're really scared of not being able to find another girl. You don't really love her. You just have no options. If you had plenty of options, there's no way you'd stick with a cheater who's been sh*tting all over your trust.

 

you'd be dumb to get back together", and it just makes me think. Am I that dumb guy, that guy that is desperate enough to stay with some one who cheated on them?

Yes.

 

...but it's not too late. You can still break off the engagement. Life is too short to spend with a cheater. She had strong desires to cheat on you even before marriage. Can you imagine how strong her desire will be to cheat after 10 years of being married to the same guy?

 

Dodge this bullet mate. Dodge it now.

 

Tell her you've been thinking very hard about a future marriage to her, that you can't get over her betrayal of your trust, that your trust toward her was permanently damaged when she cheated.

 

Tell her you want to build a marriage on a foundation of solid trust. That trust simply isn't there any more. Tell her the engagement was a mistake, that you're sorry for any inconvenience, and wish her the best.

 

I don't really think you have the strength to do the above...but you should seriously consider it. You know she's a deceptive cheater who only puts on a show of remorse when she gets caught. Why would you marry her?