Too late to do 180/NC?

[Tripz]

Story of my life....I find this website YESTERDAY and its plethora of information.

 

Damn, why couldn't I have found it 60 days ago when the first talks of divorce started. I've begged, pleaded, chased her around, pushed her away asking questions, played the pity-me cards (hell, the entire deck of cards), followed her every movements via her messaging and voice calls on our cell phone account (too bad I can't read the actual texts), wrote her some letters, bought her crap, agreed to spousal support, am paying for the lawyer to do an uncontested divorce, helped her move out, texted her continuously even though she's said she's not looking to comfort me, but to distance herself...on and on...Wow.

 

As time has passed, I've naturally started to move towards NC, but the whole time, I've kept telling myself, if she see's the kind and compassionate man she married (in how I handle our divorce), we will be better friends than spouses. While that actually may be true sometime down the road, I am realizing that those thoughts are because I haven't let go of her. She's having an affair with one of my better friends and all I want to do is be both of their friends! Man, I need me some serious headspace adjusting. He even can't believe I'm handling this the way I am. I'm starting to wonder myself. Why can't I seem to get mad? She even told me that perhaps I should get mad.

 

This is so beyond my ability to rationalize the situation. Divorce has never ever been part of my vernacular. Sure I knew we had problems and I also knew most of them stem from my own immaturity in handling critical moments in our 23 year marriage. Truly sad that for me to gain this level of wisdom (gaining would be a better term), I'm literally ending my marriage, to learn HOW to be married. God, life sucks sometimes.

 

Okay, so now that I have a better understanding of NC and 180, my question would be:

 

What do you do when you've already set the tone and behavior for the split? I guess what I'm getting at, is that I literally signed Divorce documents on Jan 28th. She will be receiving her copies today or tomorrow, so I'm pretty certain I cannot stop this from happening. Had I known to go NC right from the getgo, 2 months might have been enough for her to question some things. However, she/we moved her into a new apt last Saturday, so I'm thinking, that she's seen me bend over backwards to help her get this divorce, get into her place and also go beyond any reasonable expectation of someone in my situation. I bought her a 42" TV for her and my son and got her hooked up to cable/internet, which she was pleasantly surprised. Said thank-you so much for helping her out with everything. I know my wife and she, in that moment, was genuine. I came over Sunday (it's her first week to have my son) and I brought her some tools, then helped her install a new shower faucet hose. I hung some things on her wall and gave her some things I bought at the hardware store.

 

This was all Sunday and again, she said thank-you so much, maybe I can make you dinner sometime, blah, blah...yeah, sure...that will happen, not. So yesterday, not a peep from her. I actually think it's the very first time in 23 years that I haven't heard from her within a 24 hour period of time. Pretty weird, but I guess what is she going to say. I think her heart has hardened towards me so very long ago, that I'm just some handyman/breadwinner dude she used to co-habitate with. Ironically, today is the 25th anniversary of our first meeting. I'm pretty certain I'm not getting a greeting card or even a text today. Just another day I guess. I hate being the sentimental one in this relationship. She's a Type-A personality and born/breed German, so my expectations are very low, at the moment.

 

Since I discovered the 180 thread and info, I think it's a good time to start the NC. I do have another question though:

 

She is letting me keep our house, but she cannot store everything she owns in her apt. So, I am fine with letting her keep some things at my place for awhile. I know, NC, NC....Sorry, but it's complicated with us. However, I don't like the idea of her coming and going whenever she wants. I trust her and she's not looking to screw me or take stuff without me being there. Nothing like that, so far anyway. My issue is that I think she should give me all keys and garage door opener and have to make an appt with me to come and go. I did mention this "boundary" thing about a week ago, but it was during a longer conversation about her packing and moving. Nothing was ever spoken about it again. I thought that she might go over there yesterday, while I was at work, just to pick up some final laundry and small stuff, but she didn't. Maybe she will call me or text me asking to come over, I don't know. It's more about respect for my space now, than anything, but I don't know if that's how she see's it. Sleeping with my friend shows just how much respect she has, so I'm at a loss how I should handle this. I just don't want to muck things up before she signs the docs, by making a mountain out of a molehill. This is a tricky phase and trust issues are there. Now that she's no longer in my house everyday, whereby I might guage her mood or seize opportunities to talk, it makes everything seem edgy.

 

Anyway, sorry for the back and forth ramble. I hope someone will be able to decipher what's going on and what I'm getting at. You folks all seem pretty intelligent and I usually make my thoughts a tad more coherent. I have yet to tell my story and I don't even know if that's the norm here, but I'm desperate to get myself figured out and quickly. I think, if I am honest with myself, I don't really want her back, but just having a hell of time letting go. I think my sentimental nature has me thinking of my wife in terms of how I used to know her, not how she is now. The person she is now, I probably wouldn't even seek out. I'm just too raw and this is too new for me to be able to get my ducks nicely in a row very easily. I'm not a control freak, but I do like having a plan. I like having all information in order to make that plan and she's given me precious little information about anything that is going on in her head. I wouldn't even have known a lot of what I know, had I never discovered some journals she was writing. The smoking gun about the affair (that I had suspected, but couldn't allow myself to believe), were in the pages of that journal. Nothing too detailed or graphic, but one entry discussed her frustration towards her "boyfriend", that he was only affectionate when he was drunk (he's a 90 day recovering SEVERE SEVERE alcoholic). Something about when he was drunk, he'd say "I'm getting nekkid, want to join me"? And she wrote that she wanted the affectionate, caring sober guy for when they had sex. Anyway, was hard to read, but I guess my take away is, that relationship is doomed. It's based on her helping him for the past 2 years with his recovery process and no less than 10 separate binges, 5 of which have put him in the hospital. He even had a seizure at our house. So, for her to go for a guy like that, over a guy like me who has a good job, a house, things, etc...My friend, literally has 1 pot to piss in, a mountain of medical bills and other debt, no job and lives in a low income housing unit...I just shake my head....

 

Thanks again for letting a noobie vomit all over you good folks!

[Scott Thomas]

Maintain strict NC. Don't initiate contact and limit any correspondence to issues pertaining to your children.

 

Start working out, get a hobby, do something you never had the time to do before.

 

Once the divorce is finalized, act and behave like she's no longer a part of your life. You two share custody and that's it. Her problems are no longer your problems. NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!

 

Start focusing yourself. Find her replacement. I'll take a chance and wager my entire savings that she won't be happy once she sees you going out with another woman-might even try to come back.

 

As for the OM, she's his problem now. Their relationship will crash and burn, leaving her desperate. Hopefully, you'll move on and start a better life.

 

Good Luck!

[trippi1432]

Agree on the previous to an extent, the exception being to find her replacement. There is absolutely no sense in bringing in a 3rd party to "use" like that. Somebody who doesn't deserve to get hurt will just get hurt.

 

Back to the boundary talk, this is a necessity for you to take back control over you. Basically you keep giving away your power to her and continue to hurt yourself in the matter honestly. It's obvious you are under a lot of stress by your opening post, but letting her come and go as she pleases is only going to continue adding to it.

 

Anything, NC/180....etc., that you do at this point is to help you move forward for you.

[Tripz]

I appreciate the responses. I'm only a little over 60 days into this, and until I found this website, have really only heard from friends and a little bit of other online sources. Nothing like this site, though. Of course, half my friends can't understand why I'm being so "nice" and not throwing her out, beating up my friend, freaking out, etc. Well, that's not me, and also not how I want to show my 14 year old how adults solve difficult issues like this. So far, my son is out of the loop on her affair and just knows we are divorcing. I'd like to keep it that way, too.

 

But, in 60 days, a lot has happened and I've simply managed through some of this grieving and mourning crap. I'm honestly not sure that I would have implemented the 180/NC thing right away anyway, at least not fully. I did have to have some answers to some questions and we did have to talk about some of our future, although in hindsight, I did most of the talking and most of the discussing. She's hardened her heart towards me a long time ago, but I was too naive to notice that it was this bad.

 

Even before I found this site yesterday, I had already started to naturally do some of the NC things. I wanted to help make sure she and my son were secure in their new place, but Sunday night, when I left her place, I was already resigned to NOT text her or call her unless it pertained to either my son or the divorce paperwork. And, I haven't contacted her except to tell her that my lawyer will be mailing her documents out and to expect them. I hope she signs and returns them without incident and in 90 days we'll be single legally. If she decides, after all the work and money I've spent for her to "get out" of this relationship, then I may actually start a war. She gets to leave debt free, and I assume ALL debts, but keep most of the assets, including the house (which is worth exactly zero to what I still owe). It's a very fair and equitable arrangement, including 50/50 custody of our son, with me as primary custodian. I've also told her that she will get some money from some things, if I sell and so far she's agreed. She's actually been pretty great the past two weeks, now that there's some light at the end of the tunnel. Telling our son about all of this, together, actually helped us both drop down some barriers we'd naturally put up and helped get us to a much better place. I stopped asking her for information and details and she warmed up enough to start discussing matters at hand. I truly think that we will both be fine, but we both agree that our son comes first. He has been my ultimate Ace in the Hand, because without him there, I really don't know how this might turn out. She would NEVER do anything to hurt my son emotionally, aside from what has already happened, so I'm betting that she will sign everything and we will begin our new lives. That's my hope, but I'm still a little nervous waiting to hear that she signed the docs. Who knows who has been coaching her and if her friends (whom I don't even know) are anything like some of mine, then she's getting some really poor advice. I told one friend of mine that if he ever suggested I screw her over again, that that would be the last time I speak to him. He hasn't called since, so I guess that's that. I don not want to screw her over, take advantage of her or really do anything but do what she wants in order for her to find happiness. It doesn't matter if I think that will make her happy or not. It really isn't my problem any longer. I only want her to be happy and if that cannot be with me, then I'll do what I have to, to rid her of me. It's the honorable and right thing to do. What happens after that, I can't control.

 

Is that correct thinking?

[Steadfast]

Tripz, you need to stop and take a breath. Breathe deeply and inhale slowly.

 

First off, nobody 'gets it right' when it comes to this stuff. 99.9% of the people giving you advice also learned it after the fact. It they're honest.

 

Fact: Separation and divorce bring out the worst in people. Another fact: No matter how common, you're dealing with an unnatural event. You are biologically wired to love and protect your wife (especially if you had children) and some people struggle with that more than others. Like you. Robin Trower wrote: "The takers get the honey, the givers sing the blues."

 

I only want her to be happy and if that cannot be with me, then I'll do what I have to, to rid her of me. It's the honorable and right thing to do. What happens after that, I can't control.

 

Is that correct thinking?

 

Stop being a manipulating sap. You don't have to hate her, but you should hate what she did. Your question shouldn't be "What will she do?" but instead "Who cares?" Not because you don't care, but (as you said) you have no control over it. You are wasting energy. You are playing games.

 

Get the legal stuff in order. Set your boundaries. It. Will. Not. Go. Smoothly. Don't expect it to. When you draw the line, she'll call you a jerk because she's used to you kissing her ass. That's the you she knows and expects. Be fair, be consistent. When it doubt, put the child's needs first.

 

You have to train yourself into this person. It will not happen by taking a pill or reading forums. You must decide who you want to be, then be it.

[Steadfast]

double post

Edited February 5, 2014 by Steadfast

[Gunny376]

Way too past for the 180's!

 

You've turned yourself or your turning yourself into

a cucholded husband (Look it up. Its not pretty! )

 

Seriously time to man up. I've seen lots of guys do this ans to be

Honest its disgusting.

 

 

CLIMB YOUR AZZ DOWN OFF OF THAT LOVERS CROSS!

[Tripz]

Harsh, but true. I'm imagining myself reading these first posts of mine 6 months from now and thinking how pathetic!

[Scott Thomas]

Gunny, you were a bit harsh. However, I agree with you.

 

While your friend told you to screw her over, I think he meant 'STOP ACTING LIKE A NICE GUY'. Which of course, is what you should do. You don't have to go 'rambo' on her, but refrain from acting like a man who can be pushed anyway she wants. I think she's lost all respect, especially since you ended up buying things for her after she slept with your friend.

 

Dear fellow, it's about time you stopped being the proverbial guy who gets pushed around in school, and became the jock who doesn't give an inch. Maintain strict NC unless the discussion concerns your child, practice the 180 and get on with your life. If it helps, read some books (hint. No more Mr. Nice Guy, other books that teach you to refrain from acting like a punching-bag).

[Gunny376]

I agree I was harsh. But with intent and purpose. To serve as

a serious wake-up call. Being subtle and politically correny

are not virtues for which I'm commonly associated with

Nor accused of!

[oldshirt]

I didn't read your whole post but I think I got the gist of it.

 

Here are a few points to keep in mind to move forward from here -

 

- Don't beat yourself up over chasing her, begging, buying gifts, fixing her plumbing etc. You didn't want the divorce and you were expressing that and making it apparent to her. In time you will sleep better at night knowing you tried and it will help you move on (provide you STOP doing it now! Since it didn't work.

 

- in time your wife will realize you tried too.

 

- ..as will your kids.

 

- the 180 is to help YOU recover and to move on. It is tearing off the bandaid quickly so as not to drag out the pain. It is not a means to get someone back. Sometimes people do come back when their fog in their head clears and the 180 can help clear that fog a little quicker at times.

 

- at this point you must assume your STBX is serious and sticking with the D so your objectives need to shift from trying to reconcile the relationship to moving forward with the rest of your life (hence the term doing a "180")

 

- support, give guidance to and be involve with your kids....NOT HER. She choose to not have a husband anymore so immediately stop doing things husbands do like fixing things, changing tires, giving her a shoulder to cry on, giving her support etc.

 

So when she calls cause the drain is clogged tell her your were just heading out and that she'll have to call a plumber. If she has a flat tell her the Jack and tire iron are in the trunk. If it's in the middle of the night and she is in the ghetto with the kids with her, tell her you have enough time to pick up the kids and bring them back to your house while she waits for the tire service to get there.

 

- realize that whatever time and energy and effort you give to her will be time and energy wasted and that any form of involvement with her will hinder your efforts at finding someone else. She is now a major cockblock in your life and you need to treat her accordingly.

 

- Don't treat her bad or be mean. Just give her only the common respect and courtesy you would give to any other woman that you don't find attractive and who would not date you.

 

- treat her like a male roommate that has just moved out and with whom you had no particularly close relationship with...

.... which means give her a week to rent a storage unit and have her come get her stuff.

 

- the only thing you pay is child support and any other court-mandated payments (and fight those tooth and nail since she is the one wanting out) everything else she wants/needs she pays for. That is the cost of her freedom and her being single again.

 

- so NO MORE gifts, fix-it's, favors, lawn mowing, snow shoveling, shoulders to cry on or anything that you would do for anyone else that you weren't married to.

She waived her right to marital benefits and perks when she chose to leave the marital home and initiate divorce proceedings.

[oldshirt]

One more thing. In a matter of days or weeks or maybe a month or two, she is going to call sniffling in the phone about how hard it is or how quiet it is or how lonely she is or how some guy isn't treating her right or something.

 

The conversation needs to go like this-

 

"Ring ring ring"

 

You- hello

 

Her- sniff sniff I'm sad/lonely/bored/boy friend is treating me bad etc

 

You- does this mean you want to work towards reconciliation and return to a marital life with ME?

 

Her - well no, I just....

 

You interrupting - I'm sorry I am just heading out and can't talk right now. My suggestion is if you are having some trouble adjusting to single life, you should probably talk to someone about that. Tell the kids I'll pick them up around 10 Saturday, make sure they're ready for a fun day at the Snow Valley! Take care

 

- click

[Tripz]

I do appreciate ALL the reply's, even the "reality check" ones. Oldshirt, yours was more something I can actually bite into and chew, at the moment.

 

Don't treat her bad or be mean. Just give her only the common respect and courtesy you would give to any other woman that you don't find attractive and who would not date you.

That one there is one I have already placed into my mind. It really helps keep things into a correct perspective, as that's truly how I feel about it.