Addicted to skipping school...

[No Limit]

Alright, I've never ever posted or talked about this anywhere but since I feel no one of my rl world will ever find me here, I'll give it a shot.

 

I'm addicted to skipping school. By the end of the year, all those days usually sum up to about 4 (!!) weeks. Only hangout was 3 years ago when it went up to 7 weeks, during the time I was bullied frequently.

It pretty much started in Elementary School, there was a real troublemaker in my class who'd get the teacher to his emotional peak of fury on a regular basis. I was usually the quiet and ever attentive type, except for one day I didn't feel like school at all and would constantly try to find something more interesting than the current page of our lesson. It ended up with the teacher throwing chalk at me and yelling me to pay attention.

For me, barely 7 years old and always so anxious most of my classmates didn't even talk to me, that pretty much broke the deal.

The next day I pretended to be sick. I feared school more than anything back then, once even ran off the school area back home. Fleeing school was truly the right word that day.

 

Ever since, I've skipped schooldays on a regular, but not too numerous basis. The only times it really got out of hand were 2 years with the teache I've written about and 2 years of extreme bullying.

But to this day, I just can't stop. And yet it's school only. Had minor jobs during summer holidays and everyone was happy with my efforts, I didn't skip once and was more punctual than the people who had employed me. While privately not that punctual, friends and everyone else can still always count on me and know that I finish what I start.

But with school, it's just different. As soon as I get this feeling that I'm being pressured into something it's like fear strikes and I'd do anything not to go into this place. This behavior has caused my teachers to tease, some also to dislike me; classmates on the other hand have more or less accepted it and don't mind.

 

What's worse is that I just don't get any consequences from this. I'll apply for college in 2 weeks and since my skipping isn't mentioned on any papers (negative remarks aren't allowed on the papers of the later years of school in my country) I won't get any trouble with that. My test results are nice as well, no consequence at all. School best in English also, and very good at most other subjects as well (with the exception of maths, but I was never really good at it).

 

I'm just afraid that if anything that triggers me in college I might get back into that habit. The bullying made me change, made me stronger (and quite a lot), but what if that's not enough?

 

Haven't been in school the past 2 days and accidentally missed a math exam, gonna write it the next days, yet alone the thought of the look a few teachers will give me sends shivers down my spine. I will go tomorrow for sure, but fearing every single school day just isn't normal, is it?!

 

Can't deny that I feel relieved to be finally able to tell some people of my problem since irl I don't have anyone for that, but I'm still nervous. Probably won't be able to sleep tonight either, although that feeling doesn't depend on whether I'm really sick and shouldn't go to school or just skipping again.

[MyEvilTwin]

The consequences are that in college it is going to be very self-sabotaging. Missing even one day can sometimes be critical. It depends on the course. Some profs do still treat college like grammar school, and will knock down your grade or have a thing against you and make you suffer, depending of course on the school, and the prof.

I have anxiety with things I don't want to do, so I completely understand what you are talking about. However it can be paralyzing with trying to achieve goals.

You need an inner voice that tells you to do what you have to in order to succeed, without that voice being too critical. If that voice is self critical, you will end up with guilt along with the initial problem, and that isn't going to solve anything.

We don't get to write the rules of life. Not me, not you, but we sure have to abide by them. Opting out is not a choice. I'm afraid that if you continue that later in life you may decide you don't need to pay your bills, or drive the speed limit, or some other self sabotaging or defeating behavior. You may think those things are not related, but they are. It is refusing to acknowledge authority. I completely understand wanting to be the boss of yourself all the time. I've suffered from not wanting to abide by authority myself as I said earlier. It can destroy your life if you don't correct the problem.

It's similar to a phobia, but not half as bad at this point. So I suggest that you tell yourself that there are things you have to do in life that may not be what you want to do, or may not be pleasant, but sometimes we have to suffer through them.

Thing is, once the unpleasant thing is finished, the pressure is off, the problem doesn't spiral out of control. So remind yourself that there is a reward for doing the unpleasant thing that you don't want to do, but need to do.

[mercuryshadow]

No Limit, I was much like you in high school.

 

 

The good news is: you are NOT addicted to skipping school, you have been stuck in self-preservation mode due to being inundated with experiences which have made you fearful, anxious, etc. I was there, and unfortunately, that part of me is still alive in me somewhere, too. I was bullied heavily when I entered high school. I began skipping regularly and eventually had to be provided with a tutor and then transferred to a private school with a structure that was very different from public school. It worked for me, thankfully, and I flourished there. It sounds as if you've made it through by the skin of your teeth, but I need to advise you to find a counselor (with GOOD credentials) whom you can speak with regularly. I would advise that it should not be a psychiatrist or a therapist that is affiliated with a psychiatry practice, because I guarantee that they will want to put you on harsh medicines immediately.

You need to break this thought pattern of yours, or it WILL sabotage your college studies. I completed a year of college, but was still dealing with this innate need to protect myself, mostly stemming from social anxiety due to having been bullied before.

I'm 30 now. Things have vastly improved, but not without a lot of obstacles along the way. I have plans and aspirations for a path of study, which directly stems from the experiences I had as a teen. But please don't wait to get help... you'll waste some very important years being stuck in this self-preservation mode you've been forced into by your experiences.

[No Limit]

@MyEvilTwin

 

I know I have to get things straight. Haven't skipped since my post in February and although I sometimes feel that "need" to again in the back of my head I'm doing my best to ignore it.

Just yesterday the principal came up with a new idea to give us more pressure and I fear something in me will once again try to break free. I'm trying to focus on successfully getting my driver license for now to distract myself.

The 'college' I'll go to doesn't resemble the normal school schedule at all, and truth be told; while my school is among the best in my state the only reason it is is because of a few teachers behaving and tutoring us like Spartans. Plenty of bad students have also been bullied out by the principal and often enough that went successful, so it's not that much of a surprise that a school can be good if it doesn't have any bad students left.

Even most parents are wary, but finishing in that school gives you quite a good look around here for possible future employers so yeah. Kid's gonna survive it.

 

@mercuryshadow

 

I already went to a counselor once and it didn't help. It was "ordered" from school to check if I wasn't making it up - yeah, who wouldn't be 10kg under-weight and get hair loss just for a prank - but while attempts were made to re-integrate me into the class (a futile attempt) that's pretty much everything. Changed class after a year of having to bare feeble fake-kindness whenever the teacher was present and well, looks like everything those bullies hated on me was liked by those other people. When we got another bully-victim this year I remember a friend asking how it was like for me when getting into class, but quite frankly there was no re-integration, after a week I suddenly had friends and a nice class. Whoops, didn't expect that.

 

I know this is one of my 'battle scars' talking out of me but opening up to a stranger, a counselor just isn't in it for me. If people want to get to know me, they spend time with me in a kind and respective manner and even then I won't take a step ahead.

I've managed a choleric teacher, 30 bullies and a corrupted principal this way and all by myself. I won't change it and I dare say the only thing that could surprise me in a future job career or the like would be murder.