whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I sent the text. Brave woman! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted February 5, 2014 Author Share Posted February 5, 2014 It was pretty short, and essentially said "I want a partnership with someone who can be with me wholly, and despite how much you say you love me, you simply cannot provide that." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted February 5, 2014 Author Share Posted February 5, 2014 I also have an appointment with a counselor today. I have plans to make myself scarce around my house for the next few days, in case he decides to come by. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Quiet Storm, I bet many OWs are copying, pasting and printing your post right now. You have a way with words and great insight. BUT, considering the OP, I'm going with Mascara on this one: "No explanations, he doesn't need one. And if he does "you're married" will suffice." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Silverbirch Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Well done. Now hold your nerve! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I sent the text. So proud of you!! He will probably not give up yet. The thing is, he is going to turn the focus on his love for you. It very well may be genuine love that he has for you. What you need to remained focused on, however, is not his love for you, but his marital status. He will try to steer the conversation to be about how much he loves you, how much he needs you, how important you are to him, how he's never loved anyone like you, etc. He will try to avoid the facts: that he is married and can't give you what you want. If his crying & declarations of love doesn't work, it is very likely that he will switch tactics and become angry. He will attempt to put you in defensive mode, but saying things like "If you really loved me, you would sacrifice for me". "There must be another guy or you wouldn't be doing this". "If you loved me, then the time that I give you is better than nothing at all". He may also try to use sex to get you in an agreeable & happy mood again. You need to plan out how you are going to respond to his various tactics. You will have to remain emotionally detached and see that his words are manipulations designed to control you. It won't be easy, but I think you understand that you deserve more, and that staying with him is just prolonging the inevitable. Here are some ideas: "This is not about my love for you. This about me and what I deserve & want out of life. You can't give me what I need." "The bottom line is that I need more than you can provide. You want me to sacrifice things that are very important to me so that you can be married & have me, too. I am no longer willing to do that. I deserve better than that." "If you love me, why do you think I should settle for this? If this was your daughter, would you advise her to stay with a married guy just because he loves her?" "You keep saying how much you love me. I get that. You love me. Well, you know what? I don't like your brand of love anymore. Your love comes with pain and I'm done with it." "I understand that there are reasons why you can't leave. Those reasons, as valid as they may be, don't negate the fact that your marital status prevents me from having the full relationship that I deserve." "I know that it's wrong to have an affair. I have been participating because my feelings for you are so strong. But I'm not willing to compromise my values anymore. It makes me feel bad, and I want my relationship to be a positive force in my life". "No one is going to look out for my best interests except me. If you had my best interests at heart, you would see that I deserve more than an affair. This is not a normal relationship where we are a partnership that looks out for each other. It may be best for you if you can be married AND have a girlfriend, but what about me? This is not a good situation for me to be in, and I can't depend on you to take care of me. I need to protect myself, so please be considerate and allow me to do that." "Although I love you and have strong feelings for you, I intellectually know that you are not a good person. Your character is one that lies, cheats & manipulates. I do not need people like this in my life. Please respect that." Stay strong. ^^ THIS should be a sticky. Seriously Owl, thank you!! I also have an appointment with a counselor today. I have plans to make myself scarce around my house for the next few days, in case he decides to come by. Stay strong. You can do this and you do deserve a partner that can be fully yours 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I'm so proud of you! You should be so proud of yourself. What a hard move, and an amazing first step! Good luck girl!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I also have an appointment with a counselor today. I have plans to make myself scarce around my house for the next few days, in case he decides to come by. Do you have a girlfriend or two that you could do a slumber party with? Or go on a mini vacation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted February 5, 2014 Author Share Posted February 5, 2014 Thank you everyone! Even though I've been totally riled up and angry, in the past hour after sending that text I've felt sad, empty, remorseful - like I am truly losing someone. Didn't expect to feel this way. I have to stay strong, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 ^^ THIS should be a sticky. Seriously Owl, thank you!! This was a post by Quiet Storm. Can't take credit for that gem of wisdom...but I can agree, that's an excellent post and one many folks should read and consider! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Thank you everyone! Even though I've been totally riled up and angry, in the past hour after sending that text I've felt sad, empty, remorseful - like I am truly losing someone. Didn't expect to feel this way. I have to stay strong, though. It is a loss, and you will grieve it like any other loss. You will alternate between feeling sad, angry, disappointed, weak, etc. The only way to get over it is to go through it, though. You will heal. You will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Thank you everyone! Even though I've been totally riled up and angry, in the past hour after sending that text I've felt sad, empty, remorseful - like I am truly losing someone. Didn't expect to feel this way. I have to stay strong, though. You ARE losing someone. It's natural to grieve. Just keep your focus on your ultimate goal - to be with someone who can give you what you want. And keep reminding yourself that even though you have feelings for him, he cannot give you what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
MissTakes Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Quiet Storm, I bet many OWs are copying, pasting and printing your post right now. You have a way with words and great insight. Yup, I definitely did. Here's how I'm going to look at it: he can tell me he loves me. He can even believe that he loves me. But if he truly loves me, he should want what is best for me. And clearly, that's not him. So either he truly cares about me and he's letting me go, or he's the ******* I suspect him to be at his core. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 Today I mostly feel good about my decision, but I am surprised to feel I am slightly let down he has respected my "No Contact" requested and hasn't attempted contact. A part of my brain is reading that as "Wow, he didn't care all along!" But, it really doesn't matter. I am just surprised I feel this way, as I should be RELIEVED. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Today I mostly feel good about my decision, but I am surprised to feel I am slightly let down he has respected my "No Contact" requested and hasn't attempted contact. A part of my brain is reading that as "Wow, he didn't care all along!" But, it really doesn't matter. I am just surprised I feel this way, as I should be RELIEVED. Good. You've done the right thing for yourself so don't ever question it! And don't let 'ego' get in the way, that's what causes people to reach out. Just shows that he respects your decision, probably agrees with it too and loves you enough to let go you and stay away. That's a positive, try to look at it like that. Start journaling your thoughts and feelings on paper and take each day as it comes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 Good. You've done the right thing for yourself so don't ever question it! And don't let 'ego' get in the way, that's what causes people to reach out. Just shows that he respects your decision, probably agrees with it too and loves you enough to let go you and stay away. That's a positive, try to look at it like that. Start journaling your thoughts and feelings on paper and take each day as it comes. Thank you. I also started IC last night, and wow... that was heavy. But I felt so much better after! I told him my ultimate goal is to be an emotionally healthy, available partner. Because, really, the reason I think I keep attracting these types of relationships is because of my own issues with commitment and intimacy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 Well guys, it was a close call, but I almost got sucked in. This weekend I was ill and sleep deprived, and with sleep deprivation comes depression for me. I made the mistake of checking my trash bin on my email account, and there was a response to my text from xMM. It actually was a pleasant email, but still chock full of manipulative language and hinting at "there are so many reasons I cannot leave my marriage but I didn't tell you." Well, that was purposefully planted there, no doubt, to get me to respond. And stupidly, I fell for it. I asked him to lay out those reasons. Instead, I got the same romantic drivel and him avoiding answering directly, saying he wanted to tell me in person, that it was too hard to explain, that he was trying to think of how to word it. We resumed light texting for about 24 hrs, until last night, I decided to do a little digging on google. Wow... the internet just popped open like a pinata, revealing, of all things, that he cams on Chaturb@te to complete strangers. He had photos up, intimate ones, that he told me he'd taken just for me. He had nude photos of his wife. There were random screen grabs of his camming sessions and they made my STOMACH TURN. And,... the last time he cammed was the night I dumped him. And before that, a day we'd even seen each other! I was absolutely furious. Well, I let him have it. I told him he was a a liar and he didn't know the meaning of love, and that he sickened me. Once I get mad, it's over. I am a Taurus. He's scrambling now, still emailing me (I have it filtered to go straight to the trash), and he's no admitting he's addicted to porn, but that his feelings are still true. Wow, I am so angry that men like this are out there. Narcissistic piece of sh~t. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Anger is your friend now! Put your friend to work. Uhhh, what is camming? Sounds like posting nude pics/video on a web site? Guess I'm a bit naïve about these things. Does his W know she's a featured attraction? Ewww. Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 Anger is your friend now! Put your friend to work. Uhhh, what is camming? Sounds like posting nude pics/video on a web site? Guess I'm a bit naïve about these things. Does his W know she's a featured attraction? Ewww. Masturbating on web cam for strangers to watch. And no, I seriously doubt she knows there are nude photos of her online. That part is what really grosses me out. I feel SO GLAD to be angry, because only when I am really angry is when I am moved to make permanent changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Guess you missed (by not staying with him long enough to be filmed, without your knowledge) the opp to become an internet sensation, unbeknownst, of course, to yourself! Congratulations on dodging a bullet! And love the imagery of the internet popping open like a pinata! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Simple, just ignore and block his number, change yours. You don't need to explain anything to him. You don't need "closure." It's the ultimate ego trip for you. Just ignore and if he keeps it up threaten to tell his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 now every time you think of him now you need to remember all this my now ex mm sent me some rather nasty emails nearly 2 weeks ago, we were nearly done anyway but these were the final nail and I just re read them over and over now whenever I think of him I automatically remember the nasty things he said. it's hard to miss someone that's so disrespectful 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 He was on my front step with flowers when I got home yesterday. We talked a bit - even though I was mad as hell, and now I'm suddenly his counselor/confessor to all this #$*ed up stuff he's done. Basically, he's ignored some BIG issues in his life by creating biiiiig distractions. Me being one of them. I told him he needs to see a counselor and address his problems. Back to NC. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author proseandpassion Posted March 12, 2014 Author Share Posted March 12, 2014 A month of nice, quiet NC. Feeling GREAT. Then today he emails me the video to "Stay" by Sugarland. For those who don't know, that song is sung from the POV of the OW. Not fazed. Staying NC. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 A month of nice, quiet NC. Feeling GREAT. Then today he emails me the video to "Stay" by Sugarland. For those who don't know, that song is sung from the POV of the OW. Not fazed. Staying NC. Good job girl...stay strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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