6 YEAR pre-marriage relationship over. Help.

[Broken3112]

This is a really really hard one. It began six years ago, she was 15 (yeah i know) and I was 19. Before that she never had a real serious relationship except this boy she went out with for almost a year. We fell truly in love - she was the sweet, caring, gentle and warm girl that over the years really really took care of me. She fell in love with me for my talents, as i am an artist, animator, musician blah blah (now i realize talents dont make a person). She would set my meals, love me, give me massages. In a way it was like a traditional relationship - like my parents. And she really respected my parents' relationship. over the years she became really comfortable with my family. My parents really accepted her like another child. She even went on to work for my mom.

 

By year three, we would either joke or talk almost seriously about marriage. Stuff like "Oh, when we have a house..."....and it all seemed so certain. By Year 4 and a half - we became too comfortabl, i stopped taking her out and i made our lives into a routine. i would send her to work, pick her up we'd come home, watch a DVD and it just kept recycling itself. To be continued....

[Broken3112]

Slowly i got anxiety disorder, and inow cannot pinpoint whether it waas isolated or was i getting it from the relationship. Anyway, our lives became a routine...and somewhere deep inside i think i knw it, its just that i was thinking so much of the future and having a home and such that i didnt think of the now and making her happy now. She was so giving that she never communicated to me if she was unhappy. My disorder slowly made me into a recluse and I became a sociophobe.

 

For a whole year and so, our lives became a routine - and somewhere deep inside i wanted it to change. And now i know that she did to. Anyway, I became a bad-tempered angry person and i dont know why. I took it out on her although deep inside i lover her more than anything.

 

Three weeks ago, I got the message from my brother that he was aware that she had started seeing someone else behind my back. I couldnt believe it - she was just no the type to do that. She went out to clubs with this guy. This guy has a lot of daddy's money and drives a flash car. The thing is she is not materialistic at all.

 

Just before all this i had already talked to her about how i think we are starting to act different to each other. I asked if something was wrong and whether she was seeing someone else and she kept insisting no, and that she was just feeling trapped and needed to think.

 

After i found out, i confronted her with gifts (god knows why i wasnt angry - i was not the angry person anymore). I got gifts and a song for her that i never finished and finally did. I brought her up to the hill where we first kiss and told her things need to change. She kept insisting she needed space to think. i finally let it out there and then that i knew she was cheating on me. She said nothing, she was at a loss for words. I said i am dissapointed but not angry considering the way I've been treating her. I asked her why and she said that from no attention she got all the attention from this guy. To top it off, this guy is a customer at my mom's place where she works. I cried like a girl there and then. She was upset - by i didnt get the sorry i wanted from this beautiful and caring person.

 

The next night, i found out that she saw him again. I asked her wy she lied again - she said she was upset and she doesnt know. So on the next night - i kinda made her break it off with the guy so we can sort things out. This guy agreed with her and said 'if he makes you happy...blah blah'. From my research, this guy is a true flirt, a smooth operator and a player by the truest sense of the word. He then left for a skiing trip somehwere with his rich friends. TBC

[Broken3112]

So we attempted to 'try again' and at first she said she wanted to go slow....but my heart went fast - I kept saying I love You and expecting something in return, I tried kissing her and she would kiss a little and pull away., i ask heer why and she says 'it feels strange'. Her mom is really angry at her because she approved of me and hates the rich kid. My mom was so concerned that she kept checking on her and everything - at one point i think it felt like we were conspiring against her.

 

She just turned 21, i tried so hard to have a great birthday party for her. i got her great homemade gifts that i had never done in two years.

 

She kept saying how i;ve changed so much and that its good- but shes not sure. This is the girl who used to adore me more than anything. And then it all seemed kind of okay - ialthough she seemed a little distant. I took her out to the movies - we laughed a little. I took out my savings and bought her a really expensive dressed that she really really liked.

 

After two weeks of trying, i was sending her home one night, and I was just laughing and small talking with her and she said "Stop, stop...." took a pause and said its not working.

 

I stopped the car. We talked for three hours in the car, in the middle of the night. She seemed sure. She had told me that the reason why she couldnt kiss me and couldnt react so much to my gifts was because she felt so bad. She cried, I cried. She told me i was a beautiful person, I was the most talented person she knew. She said I was good-looking and more good-looking than this guy. She told me i was kind, and that i would make a good father. But she said 'It just doesnt feel the same'. I didnt try to force her back. I told her all that I could. I told her that I was finally released of all this anxiety and anger recently, and that I had so much love to give, and that I was so broken that she wouldnt be the one for me to give it to. When we said our final byes she hugged me as hard as i did and cried as much as I did.

 

The strange part was that she said 'maybe our paths would meet again..." I said "You thiink?" and she said "Do u want to set a date?" That was the critical phrase that confuses me up till now. Did she really plan on coming back to me or was she trying to mend my heart.

 

Now, i am trying so hard to find the answers. Some people tell me that she couldnt live with the guilt. Some tell me that I had done so much wrong, that I became a really unattractive person to her. Some say that she needed to go away and come back much later. She is with this guy now. She has taken my pictures off friendster. I have changed my Friendster profile to reflect how I've changed, probably hoping she would change her mind. The truth is i have changed so much and she can see it too.

 

She messaged me on IM a few days later and asked "Are you okay? I am so sorry." I said i was fine and that i needed to go. Two days later i messaged her and said that it was my turn to return the concern and asked her how she was doing and she joked that she was fine, and its just that she had trouble getting to work(I used to send her every single day). She said again "Are you okay? I am sorry." I said I'm good, spending my time doing stuff and reading (in actually i'm a wreck)/ "She said she was glad, and that she had more time to do stuff too" When she had to go, I gathered the courage and said "By the way, i want you to know that if anything i know you so well, If you ever have a problem, my words are available" She seemed shocked, and said" I appreciate that so much esp. after what I had done to you. Vice Versa" And that was the last time yesterday that i talked with her. Now her mom has grounded her for breaking up with me.....and i think she is communicating with the other guy.

 

I am so broken and need to know if anybody thinks I have a chance.

[hurtingandconfused]

Now, i am trying so hard to find the answers.

The answers are there, within you. No one can tell you what to look for other than yourself. It's a tough process but you'll make it. Just know that it was not you, and it was her.

 

Some people tell me that she couldnt live with the guilt. Some tell me that I had done so much wrong, that I became a really unattractive person to her. Some say that she needed to go away and come back much later.

And I tell you that she is a young girl and needs to experience all the s*** this world has to offer. Let her go, she's the past that will shape your future.

 

Now her mom has grounded her for breaking up with me.....and i think she is communicating with the other guy.

The more people are against "them" the more she will want to be with this guy. When someone tells you NO, you want to do it even more.(Well that's me atleast.)

 

I am so broken and need to know if anybody thinks I have a chance.

No, you do not have a chance. But of course, I could be wrong. "Break" until you cannot break no more, then begin to heal.

 

Talking to her is doing more harm. Stop all the communication with her. Don't let her take advantage of you.

[Sukotto]

Have to agree on the teenage relationships not lasting, they just need to explore the world and try knew things. Her mind would have already been made up and nothing you could do will make her change her mind. Your going to have to let her have time and let her see if its the right choice. But I wouldn't sit and wait on her, I'd start working on yourself (gym, hobbies, work) and then start looking for someone new to fill the time.

 

Its hard, Its been almost 4 months since my relationship ended for more or less the same reason. She was becoming a young woman and she needed to see what was out there and being tied into a long term relationship at a young age wasn't what she wanted.

[Broken3112]

I guess I realize she wanted to try new things....its just that i shudder to think that if I had treated her better, and taken her out more, let her make her own friends.....she would at least have allowed both of us to grow up TOGETHER..........I know I can't dwell in the past, but its just that I find it hard to accept that this has happened the way its supposed to (though I should, being a person of faith and belief in God), as everyone has told me. I mean doesn't she see that two people growing into adults together can have a special bond?....thanks for listening......

[Broken3112]

Sukotto, how old was your ex when u began, and how old is she now?

[Sukotto]

She was just 15 when we met, relationship started just after she turned 16 and she's now 19. Was only 2.5 years but there wasn't anything that either of us done wrong, she just changed.