MissTakes Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 If you lived in a world where tomorrow, your AP's BS (and/or your BS, for MM and MW) called and said, "Hey there. I know you're having an A with my H/W. Don't worry, I'm not mad. Seriously. It's okay. What do you want out of your relationship with him/her?" Well... what is it you've wished for? And if you were given that chance, would you really want it? I don't know what I'd do if my MM's BS called and gave me her blessing tomorrow. I would want to be with him. But the thought of being with him - really, totally, all-in being with him - is something that I've never really had to consider before. I don't know if I could handle it, or if I'd assume "once a cheater, always a cheater." Which, I realize, is very hypocritical of me. My MM and I recently discovered that 6 years ago, we worked at the same place. By all accounts, we should have met, should have known each other, should have worked together. For whatever reason, though, that didn't happen until 5 and a half years later at a different company. We've laughed about it, but the one time we were talking about it and he started to say, "Imagine--" I cut him off. I can't go down that road. Do I wish I had met him back then? Before life got so complicated? I don't know. Because I didn't meet him back then, because I wasn't attached, I applied for new jobs and have now moved across the country. If I had met him earlier, I think our relationship would have held me back career-wise. Then again, if I had met him earlier, maybe I wouldn't care. What is your perfect ending (or, heck, perfect beginning) to your A? And if you could have it tomorrow, do you think it would really turn out to be that perfect? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunthar Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 This is so tough. My AP and I have a similar 'what if' set of circumstances. She is connected to my cousin (we're all the same age). They went to the same high school, a high school I would have gone to had my mom decided to move over there, instead of where we ended up. Where we ended up was super far away, so I was never a part of my cousin's life, and of course never met AP (not until 2 years ago). And, we even all went to same (large) university, but given the separateness of high school, we didn't run in any of the same circles then either. I guess it figures I'd dwell on this sort of stuff, but I've always resented that we didn't move to my cousin's neighborhood, because I would have been at a much better school, closer to some of my best friends, and would have gone to high school with really the only family (my cousins) that I had left after my parent's own divorce. If AP's BS knew? Feels like some reverse psych trickery... I wouldn't want him to know. Obviously. There are families, kids, very public images, businesses/careers all in the mix. So, I wouldn't dream of taking her away ever, although, yes I'd love some form of story book ending. I want my W to be cozy w AP again, believe everything is 'normal' but allow AP and I to somehow be in each other's lives again, all under the radar. To be able to text each other and pay attention to each other, show renewed appreciation, and have some stolen moments again. If I could go back and make my mom move by my cousin's... yes. Link to post Share on other sites
littlemermaid Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 If I could have my MOM and we could be together forever, with no hard feelings on the parts of either of our BS...then yes, that is what I would want. But only if in this fantasy land, no one would be hurt by it. It's funny because when I first met him several years ago, he was so not on my radar, not my type at all. But everything has changed. If I knew I could be with him and never have to not be with him again, that would make me so happy. Unfortunately, the case right now is probably that I won't get to be with him anymore..... He told me to believe that there is another world, like a parallel world, in which we are always together and we have everything we want...so I guess in that world, we are happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I don't get to go to fantasy land very often. The only way MM and I could be together is if he wife met someone who swept her off her feet. MM is great in the bedroom with me now, but he needed some work on technique. For obvious reasons, he can't take what he has learned home. But if wife met someone who gave her earth shattering orgasms instead of the mini ones she is probably having with him...and this guy was the whole package in and out of the bedroom... Like I said, fantasy land... But, yes, I would absolutely date and explore a real relationship with married man if i could. We hadn't seen each other in 19 years and when we reconnected, I told him, "if you had been single, I would have been back here (we are a four hour drive apart) the next day". Sexually, I think we are suited for each other. Uh, domestic, household living, we would have a couple of rough spots...his wife sort of enables him to be a workaholic. He never has to grocery shop, buy his own clothes, buy his own toiletries, do weekly household purchases, any indoor house cleaning. He is pretty damn pampered. Money habits - I think we are similar. Religion - we are the same sect of Christianity, but he has been a better church goer than I have been. Intellect - we both are knowledgeable, but about different things. Things in common outside of the bedroom...that is probably what dating and exploring a real relationship would determine for certain. He's a sports nut, I'm not. I think if wife didn't plan most of their activities and social life, he would work on projects. I don't know how good I would be at scheduling things like that. Hmmm....I kind of like fantasy land. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 We've both discussed from the beginning that the end plan is to be together and be married. (I admit that he had to convince me of that b/c I never planned to get married again.) In theory, that is what I still want. We both do. HOWEVER, in reality, I know that it won't be perfect and we will face lots of hurdles even if it does work out as he is planning. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I am not a big one for fantasy world and like to stay grounded in reality. But everything would be perfect if it wasn't for the hurt feelings tied to the affair/divorce. But what I wished for was to marry him. And for good or bad I am. :laugh: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 If you lived in a world where tomorrow, your AP's BS (and/or your BS, for MM and MW) called and said, "Hey there. I know you're having an A with my H/W. Don't worry, I'm not mad. Seriously. It's okay. What do you want out of your relationship with him/her?" Well... what is it you've wished for? And if you were given that chance, would you really want it? I don't know what I'd do if my MM's BS called and gave me her blessing tomorrow. I would want to be with him. But the thought of being with him - really, totally, all-in being with him - is something that I've never really had to consider before. I don't know if I could handle it, or if I'd assume "once a cheater, always a cheater." Which, I realize, is very hypocritical of me. My MM and I recently discovered that 6 years ago, we worked at the same place. By all accounts, we should have met, should have known each other, should have worked together. For whatever reason, though, that didn't happen until 5 and a half years later at a different company. We've laughed about it, but the one time we were talking about it and he started to say, "Imagine--" I cut him off. I can't go down that road. Do I wish I had met him back then? Before life got so complicated? I don't know. Because I didn't meet him back then, because I wasn't attached, I applied for new jobs and have now moved across the country. If I had met him earlier, I think our relationship would have held me back career-wise. Then again, if I had met him earlier, maybe I wouldn't care. What is your perfect ending (or, heck, perfect beginning) to your A? And if you could have it tomorrow, do you think it would really turn out to be that perfect? So far, it has. Far better than I could have hoped for. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 If you lived in a world where tomorrow, your AP's BS (and/or your BS, for MM and MW) called and said, "Hey there. I know you're having an A with my H/W. Don't worry, I'm not mad. Seriously. It's okay. What do you want out of your relationship with him/her?" Well... what is it you've wished for? and if you were given that chance, would you really want it? I If his BS called me at the beginning of our PA (already 4 months an EA), I would have said: "Oh, please give him an easy divorce and talk my H into the same thing so that he (MOM) and I can be together forever. He tells me all the time he's never loved anyone like he loves me. You can see we are meant for each other" If his BS would have called me at the halfway mark: "Oh, geez, no I don't want him for an H. He's too old. My H is much better. I just like the thrill being with someone new. It's the excitement my marriage was missing and having a make out session with your H is like being back in high school. And it's so much easier than trying to add some excitement to my M in a healthy, productive way. I get to complain about my M and have my ego stroked at the same time. We both agreed we'd never leave our spouses (see how honorable we are?) , so no you can't pawn him off on me now. But wow, BS, thanks for asking! I have to go enjoy my cake now. Bye!" Now, 7 mos post-A, my response would be something like this: "I am so sorry I had an A with your H. He's a loser and I feel sorry for you. I want to say I wish I never met him, but I enjoyed a 10 year casual friendship with you both and nearly a year-long close friendship with him. Who doesn't appreciate someone who makes them laugh? Who texts/email how wonderful they are? how pretty they are? how accomplished they are? BTW, my H did all the same things for me. If I could have everything I wished for, I would wish to know why it meant so much more coming from your husband than mine." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
proseandpassion Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 My wish would be that my xMM could get zapped from my brain permanently, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style. Horrible, horrible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 [QUOTE=proseandpassion;5518288]My wish would be that my xMM could get zapped from my brain permanently, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style. Horrible, horrible. Ditto..... Link to post Share on other sites
kjohn Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 My wish would be that Adultery did not exist. My wish would be that married people who were unhappy would try to work out their issues within their marriage, with their spouse, as a couple, as a team. If working things out with the spouse was not possible or not a desirable option that they would end their marriage BEFORE beginning a relationship with someone new. My wish would be that all of the AP's of the world would have more self-love and self-respect than to ever believe that being someone's "other" was acceptable or good enough. I would wish for honesty. Unfortunately, it has become hard to find in this world. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) If you lived in a world where tomorrow, your AP's BS (and/or your BS, for MM and MW) called and said, "Hey there. I know you're having an A with my H/W. Don't worry, I'm not mad. Seriously. It's okay. What do you want out of your relationship with him/her?" Well... what is it you've wished for? And if you were given that chance, would you really want it? I don't know what I'd do if my MM's BS called and gave me her blessing tomorrow. I would want to be with him. But the thought of being with him - really, totally, all-in being with him - is something that I've never really had to consider before. I don't know if I could handle it, or if I'd assume "once a cheater, always a cheater." Which, I realize, is very hypocritical of me. I have somewhat of that position only in reverse. My wife discovered the A three months into it, and now here we are at over 4 years. This certainly allows me to be as 'in' as I choose to be, but my MW doesn't have that same situation. My wife and MW are somewhat friends, no ill will between them. I'm sure that makes it easier for MW in a sense, but she still has her own situation at home which is a much bigger component for her. And because of the difference it has led to some challenges over time with expectations on both sides. If I had met him earlier, I think our relationship would have held me back career-wise. Then again, if I had met him earlier, maybe I wouldn't care. We have discussed this a couple of times and while it is easy to say, "If only I had met you sooner." doesn't really hold much water. We have both grown tremendously through our life experiences that made us fall in love with each other as the persons we had become 4 years ago. We both have been married 20 years, about a week apart. So could I say I would fall in love with the person she was 16 years before we met, and her me? Impossible to say. I don't know that person. Maybe we would have and the maturing process we would have experienced through that journey may and would have changed who we are today. Impossible to say. I'm glad we met each other when we did, and I am totally happy with that. What is your perfect ending (or, heck, perfect beginning) to your A? And if you could have it tomorrow, do you think it would really turn out to be that perfect? My perfect ending would be for us to be together full in as H and W. BUT, and it is a huge but, I think our respective families are so happy in their current form that I would be a fool to think there would not be presented so many different scenarios/resentment issues that would make that ever really possible until way later down the road. My next perfect ending would be for us to continue this in the least disruptive fashion for our families as long as we have interest. I could see that going on for a long long time. Regardless of that outcome as AP's, I know we will be great friends forever. Edited February 10, 2014 by Realist3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 If his BS called me at the beginning of our PA (already 4 months an EA), I would have said: "Oh, please give him an easy divorce and talk my H into the same thing so that he (MOM) and I can be together forever. He tells me all the time he's never loved anyone like he loves me. You can see we are meant for each other" If his BS would have called me at the halfway mark: "Oh, geez, no I don't want him for an H. He's too old. My H is much better. I just like the thrill being with someone new. It's the excitement my marriage was missing and having a make out session with your H is like being back in high school. And it's so much easier than trying to add some excitement to my M in a healthy, productive way. I get to complain about my M and have my ego stroked at the same time. We both agreed we'd never leave our spouses (see how honorable we are?) , so no you can't pawn him off on me now. But wow, BS, thanks for asking! I have to go enjoy my cake now. Bye!" Now, 7 mos post-A, my response would be something like this: "I am so sorry I had an A with your H. He's a loser and I feel sorry for you. I want to say I wish I never met him, but I enjoyed a 10 year casual friendship with you both and nearly a year-long close friendship with him. Who doesn't appreciate someone who makes them laugh? Who texts/email how wonderful they are? how pretty they are? how accomplished they are? BTW, my H did all the same things for me. If I could have everything I wished for, I would wish to know why it meant so much more coming from your husband than mine." I really liked this post. I think it is so accurate for many affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 I really liked this post. I think it is so accurate for many affairs. Thanks, Lady. Pretty much sums it up. Apologies to OP if I was a buzz kill. Chemistry major who did not see her own brain chemistry go up in smoke. Tilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTakes Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Thanks, Lady. Pretty much sums it up. Apologies to OP if I was a buzz kill. Chemistry major who did not see her own brain chemistry go up in smoke. Tilt. Not at all, sunburned. This is exactly the type of response I was looking for. It's so honest. And I can completely and totally empathize with it. I think it's a roller coaster for all of us, and we hit the highs and lows at different points. Link to post Share on other sites
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