Bringing up the past in a new relationship

[WakeNow]

Hi all,

 

LoveShack always seems to be full of good advice, so I thought I'd ask for some too, or at least get a push in the right direction.

 

A bit of background: I am a fOW (hope I get the terminology right!). Two and a half years ago I started an internship at a company where I met the now xMM and unfortunately managed to get involved, emotions and all. I can't believe how silly I was to fall for his lies!

 

It lasted for about a year, and once I moved back to another city to finish my studies and got some perspective, I ended it (the most liberating moment of my life, I think!). No one found out, and he's still married.

 

After ending it I got over him fairly quickly as I guess I never truly believed it could last, and I moved on. I struggled a lot with guilt though, and spent a good few months redefining my morals and values, and thinking about what I truly want out of life and out of a relationship.

 

Fast forward a year and a half, I've finished my studies, and I'm back at the same company as I got offered a job there. xMM now works for a different department, and I don't get to see him much at all, and I don't even want to. I went NC on him a long time ago, and that's how it's going to stay.

 

Now, for the past half a year I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man who I've fallen in love with, who treats me better than I have ever been treated. We seem like a really good fit, and we get along great. Since I've met him I've tried to be the best girlfriend I can be and to treat him just as well.

 

Recently however, I'm starting to feel guilt about not telling him about the fact I've been involved with a MM in the past. My boyfriend has told me a few times that he doesn't feel the need for us to share our pasts to each other, and that we should focus on the present.

 

I've told him I'm not exactly proud of my past, and that I've not had great experiences, but I'm not sure if I should tell him about it all. A few of my closest friends know, and even if I trust them, I guess there's always a possibility it could come out somehow.

 

I'm leaning towards telling him, seeing as the xMM works for the same company, even if I don't see him often and never talk to him, and there is no need for us to even communicate as colleagues.

 

I've recently started looking for a new job for completely different reasons too, and I want to build a strong relationship with the man I want to be with. I feel like I came out a much better person out of the whole MM experience, it's helped me grow and mature a lot, and I would never do anything similar again.

 

So my question is do I tell my new boyfriend about the past, which could obviously change his whole opinion of me, or do I keep this to myself?

 

Any advice would be really appreciated, so thank you in advance! I hope you're all having a lovely day!

[road]

Hi all,

 

LoveShack always seems to be full of good advice, so I thought I'd ask for some too, or at least get a push in the right direction.

 

A bit of background: I am a fOW (hope I get the terminology right!). Two and a half years ago I started an internship at a company where I met the now xMM and unfortunately managed to get involved, emotions and all. I can't believe how silly I was to fall for his lies!

 

It lasted for about a year, and once I moved back to another city to finish my studies and got some perspective, I ended it (the most liberating moment of my life, I think!). No one found out, and he's still married.

 

After ending it I got over him fairly quickly as I guess I never truly believed it could last, and I moved on. I struggled a lot with guilt though, and spent a good few months redefining my morals and values, and thinking about what I truly want out of life and out of a relationship.

 

Fast forward a year and a half, I've finished my studies, and I'm back at the same company as I got offered a job there. xMM now works for a different department, and I don't get to see him much at all, and I don't even want to. I went NC on him a long time ago, and that's how it's going to stay.

 

Now, for the past half a year I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man who I've fallen in love with, who treats me better than I have ever been treated. We seem like a really good fit, and we get along great. Since I've met him I've tried to be the best girlfriend I can be and to treat him just as well.

 

Recently however, I'm starting to feel guilt about not telling him about the fact I've been involved with a MM in the past. My boyfriend has told me a few times that he doesn't feel the need for us to share our pasts to each other, and that we should focus on the present.

 

I've told him I'm not exactly proud of my past, and that I've not had great experiences, but I'm not sure if I should tell him about it all. A few of my closest friends know, and even if I trust them, I guess there's always a possibility it could come out somehow.

 

I'm leaning towards telling him, seeing as the xMM works for the same company, even if I don't see him often and never talk to him, and there is no need for us to even communicate as colleagues.

 

I've recently started looking for a new job for completely different reasons too, and I want to build a strong relationship with the man I want to be with. I feel like I came out a much better person out of the whole MM experience, it's helped me grow and mature a lot, and I would never do anything similar again.

 

So my question is do I tell my new boyfriend about the past, which could obviously change his whole opinion of me, or do I keep this to myself?

 

Any advice would be really appreciated, so thank you in advance! I hope you're all having a lovely day!

 

 

 

One work place PA does not make one a hoe.

 

 

Though it was the first step to becoming a serial cheater. For you see you can't have a second affair without having the first affair. Well you got step one done.

 

 

Now it is up to you if you have a second affair. You need to have NC for life with OM1. Then a round with a good therapist to figure out how you justified banging another woman's husband. This way you will learn how to have good boundaries. Thus avoiding any more OM and ending your career of being a serial cheater.

 

 

You BF can have worse secrets then you. Or he can have not much of a past before you. Either way he has not wanted to reveal his past nor wanted to know yours. So do not share at this point if you go for counseling.

[vanellope]

I think about this question too, although I don't have boyfriend yet.

 

but if I were you, I would choose to tell the truth.

the real relationship should be total honest, also i think telling this secret to your closest person, you can feel really relax.

 

if I meet the person I serious consider to have life with, I think telling is better, it's also not nice if he find out by himself in future. but it's not easy to tell because it can let him see you different.

[twosadthings]

I think the important thing, as a matter of respect, is that you never knowingly bring your boyfriend into this man's presence. For that matter I think it is wrong to have a lover from a person's past become part of the current relationship whether socially or on a casual basis.

 

If your boyfriend wants to keep the past in the past and that's what you want as well why would you rock the boat?

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

[WakeNow]

One work place PA does not make one a hoe.

 

 

Though it was the first step to becoming a serial cheater. For you see you can't have a second affair without having the first affair. Well you got step one done.

 

 

Now it is up to you if you have a second affair. You need to have NC for life with OM1. Then a round with a good therapist to figure out how you justified banging another woman's husband. This way you will learn how to have good boundaries. Thus avoiding any more OM and ending your career of being a serial cheater.

 

 

You BF can have worse secrets then you. Or he can have not much of a past before you. Either way he has not wanted to reveal his past nor wanted to know yours. So do not share at this point if you go for counseling.

 

Thanks for the honesty road - very appreciated! Really good to hear that sometimes.

 

I wish I'd gone to therapy right after I ended the affair, and even though I can't imagine myself ever getting involved with any more OM, it's definitely best to sort out the reasons what led me to it in the first place.

 

Do you however think I should share my past with him sometime in the future, after counselling?

 

I think about this question too, although I don't have boyfriend yet.

 

but if I were you, I would choose to tell the truth.

the real relationship should be total honest, also i think telling this secret to your closest person, you can feel really relax.

 

if I meet the person I serious consider to have life with, I think telling is better, it's also not nice if he find out by himself in future. but it's not easy to tell because it can let him see you different.

 

Thanks for your reply vanellope!

 

I understand completely what you mean by having a completely honest relationship - and sometimes I definitely think I should just tell him what happened without the fear of being judged. But then again, I've seen a couple relationships where people have kept their past in the past and it has worked out really well for them!

 

I think the important thing, as a matter of respect, is that you never knowingly bring your boyfriend into this man's presence. For that matter I think it is wrong to have a lover from a person's past become part of the current relationship whether socially or on a casual basis.

 

If your boyfriend wants to keep the past in the past and that's what you want as well why would you rock the boat?

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

 

Thanks for the advice twosadthings! You're right, introducing someone from the past into a current relationship is disrespectful, and I'm glad to say that's not happened, and I don't plan on allowing for it to happen.

 

My boyfriend has actually said something similar, that the past will stay in the past and there's no need to worry about it. Yet I wonder, what if somehow it does come out one day? Do I have an obligation to tell? Too much overthinking maybe!

[Quiet Storm]

Normally, I would advise you to tell him.

 

However, since this coversation happened

 

My boyfriend has told me a few times that he doesn't feel the need for us to share our pasts to each other, and that we should focus on the present.

 

I've told him I'm not exactly proud of my past, and that I've not had great experiences

 

I say not to tell him. He doesn't want to know.

[Eau Claire]

Your choice. I know my boyfriend would have listened and then politely said 'good bye'.

 

I also wouldn't date a cheater or anyone who was complicit in supporting a cheater. Trust is very important to me. Not just that they are trustworthy to me but that their character is trustworthy in general.

 

But...each to their own.