Im still not right

[digger]

Been 9 months since the separation and 4 months since the divorce was final. Yeah I never saw it coming and was/am devasated. Still!

You may remember I got wind of EW wanting to move to Texas. Took my daughter there over Thanksgiving and I couldnt understand why. Came back, daughter called and said they had a good time but if i wanted to know more i would have to talk 'to mom'. I begged her to tell me what was going on and she began to cry. Dad she has a boyfreind. Im assuming her old boss who left to go back 'home'.

Daughter (AGE 17) said "she wants to move there and i dont want To leave my freinds, my bf, and im not going and I DONT LIKE HIM!! i PROMISED I'D BE WITH HER all the way (and you know, dad has a 2 bedroom apt-wink wink). Well Xmas came and my daughter and i got together and now "mom has promised me we wont move anywhere until after high scholl graduation in 1 1/2 yrs. So I dont know if it really IS a boyfreind or if my daughter is embelishing things. You see, the GUY moved to Texas in January--i didnt get papers til March--and if there was an affair, I never missed the wife around the house. Always home on time and i doubt she was getting it over his desk at her bust place of employment. My daughter on xmas said, "dad our relationship is just not what it used to be--you cant say anything to her and we rarely speak. Doesnt sound like its all JOY JOY in the end--for a decision that made her "happier than ive ever been" quote unquote.

 

Another thing that annoys and confuses me is about my son. He is 30 going on 8 (retarded). He is 500 miles away--a son by marriage #1--and no blood to my now EW. Two weeks after the papers came--she jumped in the car and drove there--to 'visit old freinds"--and just so happened to knock on his door twice to take him to lunch. Knowing full well this would piss me off i think--knowing i hadnt been able to see him in 6 months (due to distance) but she was going to see him all she could in her little travel there. And then on Xmas-buys and sends him gifts like he is her own. It hurts that she cant say 1 word to me in 10 months and 'doesnt love me anymore" and yet wants to keep up a relationship with someone who isnt even her blood. I know I know...he didnt do anything let her be nice and not take it out on the kids.

But this old "well he was my stepson for 20 years" gets me. I was her husband for 20 years. Am i not supposed to feel this way??? Whats she sound like to you?

[Pocky]

Rarely do I like to make the assumption that someone is hurting someone intentionally. Rarely do I not give someone the benefit of doubt when they're doing something that intended to cause pain. I will refrain from saying that your wife is intentionally hurting you because I don't know that she is.

 

Your wife has decided to cut you out of her life and continues to make decisions that, to me, seem to obviously hurt you further. And I know that this situation has been extremely hard for you to accept - you have grappled with the reality of the separation for quite some time.

 

Personally, I'd say for now you need to put up a wall. You need to make a conscious decision not to ask questions about what she's doing or what her future plans are. You need to remove her name from your conversations and if something does come up, you should approach the topic with an nonchalant attitude. I think you need to remove yourself from a bad situation and since that bad situation continues to be created by your wife, you need to remove yourself from your wife's life.

 

You can continue to have a relationship with your daughter and continue to listen to her when she has problems, but I don't think you should allow yourself to become emotionally invested in any type of issue that pertains to your wife.

 

Make the suggestion for your daughter to live with you if she feels she would be happier. Tell her you'd love to have her there and if she ever needs to talk that you'll be there to listen. When she comes to you about her mother, use logic, reason, and maturity to help her deal with her problem. Never "side" with the daughter by demeaning her mother. This will be turned against you at a later date if you do.

 

Tell your daughter that you don't understand what it is her mother is going through, but she may be very unhappy and confused. Tell her that her mother isn't trying to hurt her and loves her, but that her mother may be experiencing something so emotionally devastating that she may just be making bad decisions right now.

 

Be positive. Be understanding. Be compassionate. Be mature. Be the better person of the two and no matter what happens you will know you, from this point on, did what was right.

[brashgal]

My ex and I alternately have done unusual things to reach out to each other's relatives since we split. Some of it I think is out of remorse - we were also married 20 years - it's hard to completely separate your lives, especially when you have kids. It's a kind of transference, she feels she can't go running back to you or be nice to you but she can be nice to your son. Be happy for the good things she does for your kids.

 

Nine months is nothing when you look at how long you were together. It takes time to heal, she'll probably continue to do things that will bother you. I'm 18 months down the road and I still respond to events that I probably should not. Just remember, not everything the ex does is aimed at you, try to not let it get to you.

[Ladyjane14]

I wish I had some good advice for you, Digger. All I've got is this:

 

The Serenity Prayer

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

 

--Reinhold Niebuhr

 

Hang in there.

[digger]

Thank you all. I still refuse to believe that somewhere in the background she doesnt love me anymore. Maybe Im naive. Maybe im not. Maybe I'll carry that empty feeling with me til my dieing days. As i told her sometime ago, with her or without her--she'll always be mine. Maybe this is a poison I shouldnt hang onto.

Or maybe its my medicine if she ever wants to try again.

[Owl]

You see, the GUY moved to Texas in January--i didnt get papers til March--and if there was an affair, I never missed the wife around the house. Always home on time and i doubt she was getting it over his desk at her bust place of employment.

 

Not all affairs involve sex, friend. Odds are, she began an emotional affair at some point with this guy. And to be blunt, she may well have worked out something to accomodate time with him as needed. You'd be amazed at how enterprising someone in an affair can be.

 

My advice is simple, but not easy.

 

You need to start looking for ways to move on. Do hobbies that are YOURS...not something you shared with her. Start dating if you can...and if your heart isn't in it, make sure that you're honest and up front with those you date.

 

She may come back someday, realizing that she always did love you and that she screwed up...but by that time, you may not want/need her back. Or, she may never come back...she may decide to stay where she is. Regardless, you need to concentrate on you and your daughter now, and do you best to stop wondering about the "what if's" with your ex-wife.

 

Good luck friend.

[MassiveAtom]

Digger,

 

I came upon a bit of wisdom today. I'm working everyday to fight off the demons that haunt me after my wife forced her hand and destroyed everything that we'd worked for , for 8 years.

 

The wisdom came in the form of a word. That word was the opposite of love. It is not hate, it's indifference.

 

What I learned was that once a woman become indifferent towards you, there is nothing YOU can do to change anything about the situation. MY wife was indifferent toward me from the first day after "I do." until this very present day. I just didn't understand what that meant for me, and didn't believe it could be possible for someone as loving and supportive as me, could be treated with such indifference.

 

It's WORSE than hate. It's cold, barren and empty. Her heart has no place for you now.

 

She clearly doesn't deserve anything from you. But you deserve EVERYTHING you have to offer.

 

Best that you move on to greener landscape. It helps to do your best to look forward.

 

I went on my first date in 8 years on Monday, In this new woman's eyes, I saw possibility, hope and renewal.

 

hang in there, we're all hurting deep inside. Believe me, I feel for ya buddy.

 

Like I do for anyone who may need just to talk. You can PM me anytime, and even call if you so choose.

 

MA