Parenting syle conflict

[Kat23]

I am at my wits end and could use any advice you readers can spare. My husband and I have children from previous marriages. His are 10, 8 and 6. Mine are 18, 15, 11, and 6. Full time at home my 15 year old son lives with us. My 18 year old lives on her own, and the other two of my children are here one day a week and every other weekend. His children are here one whole week , every other weekend, and Tuesdays and Thursdays of his “off” week.

Ok that’s the schedule and now on to the problem. Our versions of parenting are entirely different. I set rules for my children and consequences as a result of those rules. I teach them to respect me , to respect each other, and the fundamentals of what is right and wrong. I have posted their rules, and consequences and by discipline I do not mean spanking, but they do get things taken away, sent to the corner, grounded, sent to bed early ect. My children do not talk down to me and do not talk down to my husband.

The problem lies with his children. He has no rules for them. He says he just yells at them when they do something wrong and when I try to create rules and make them listen I am ignored and disregarded. They are allowed to yell at him, insult and threaten and be disrespectful and he does nothing. Well I mean he starts to , but then he turns around hugs them and lets them have their way. It angers me, it angers me because it teaches my children they can do the same thing, it ticks me off he is being treated this way, and this type of parenting is only going to lead to trouble later on down the line. (I have teenagers I know!)

There are days when I cook for eight people. I get off work spend forever working on a meal and when it is time to eat they will say its nasty and not eat and he will make them something each one wants. Petty? No because my children know that when a meal is made eat or there’s no snack. It’s expensive to cook for them all and then have it tossed out and it’s insulting to have them talk like this to me especially in front of my children. He in turn sneaks them off to McDonald’s before taking them home. Basically teaching them its ok to behave like that at dinner and rewarding them for their actions.

It’s gotten to the point where my kids are angry when they are here and want to leave, it’s gotten to the point where I want to leave when his children show up. My husband will tell my children what to do , but I am not allowed his? We have talked about it multiple times. Sometimes rationally sometimes heated, but he doesn’t see any way but his. The boiling point is that now the children may come to live here full time. I don’t think I can do it without something changing and he sees no need for a change. I am not the selfish step-mom I’m not. Before we moved together he didn’t even have beds for them. I provided that, clothes, toys, I create projects for them to do ect. And I do not buy anything for my children and not his. I definitely do not sneak my children out for snacks behind their backs. I can’t keep living this way playing good cop and bad cop. How do I turn things around or even get him to see there’s a problem?

[mammasita]

That's a tough one.

 

Since you've already tried to discuss this with him - would he agree to a family counselor or some type of mediation where he doesn't feel like you're trying to make him see YOUR way?

 

How long have you been married?

[Kat23]

My teenagers were dealing with issues last year (their father died and my son within 6 months of each other), my teens and I did therapy together and he thought it was a waste of time so no he wouldn't be into the counseling. We have been together two years married since July of this year. The problems have really blown up and escalated lately as his ex is pregnant and never wants the children around. So the more they are here, the more the behaviors are present. They literally scream at him when he tells them to do something and he just walks away.

[Ronni_W]

This may sound odd...but it's actually your husband who needs to be taken in hand with you in role of head of household.

 

It's not a dynamic that works for every couple and in any case needs lots of discussion, understanding, agreement prior being put in place. It may be worthwhile to Google the terms to see if it may hold some hope for proper solution, resolution.

 

Best of luck.

[Eau Claire]

Put up with it or leave.

 

Not sure why any mother would subject her children to this. I would never have put my children in this predicament and entered this relationship....and if that foolish...left it immediately.

 

My children come first. Period.

 

Can things improve? Perhaps, but perhaps isn't good enough for your children.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

No way in hell would children be disrespecting ME in my home.

 

Honestly, I would take my kids and go, or he could leave. Until he decides to act like a father and not allow his kids free reign.

[pteromom]

Why don't you all sit down together and come up with rules for the household? Then you and your husband sit down and agree on consequences for rule-breaking. That way, everyone is on the same page.

 

You also should have a conversation with just your children. Explain to them that although their step-father allows his children to yell at him and be disrespectful, that you still do not allow that, and they will still have consequences for that behavior.

 

When it comes to meals, why not include the children in planning and making the meal? They are all old enough to be involved. Maybe they can take turns choosing the meals, then everyone has a job in the preparation.

 

There are solutions to these problems, but you are going to have to be patient, open-minded, and creative. I bet there are books on blending a step-family that would be very helpful to you.

[Eau Claire]

Why don't you all sit down together and come up with rules for the household? Then you and your husband sit down and agree on consequences for rule-breaking. That way, everyone is on the same page.

 

You also should have a conversation with just your children. Explain to them that although their step-father allows his children to yell at him and be disrespectful, that you still do not allow that, and they will still have consequences for that behavior.

 

When it comes to meals, why not include the children in planning and making the meal? They are all old enough to be involved. Maybe they can take turns choosing the meals, then everyone has a job in the preparation.

 

There are solutions to these problems, but you are going to have to be patient, open-minded, and creative. I bet there are books on blending a step-family that would be very helpful to you.

 

No. She should be keeping her children out of this mess. The welfare of her children today far out weighs making a dysfunctional system less dysfunctional. This fellow is not going to 'change'.

[TheKat23]

Why don't you all sit down together and come up with rules for the household? Then you and your husband sit down and agree on consequences for rule-breaking. That way, everyone is on the same page.

 

I have attempted this before. I had a "meeting" with all of the kids and we set rules and consequences. DH was not on board and thus it went nowhere.

 

When it comes to meals, why not include the children in planning and making the meal? They are all old enough to be involved. Maybe they can take turns choosing the meals, then everyone has a job in the preparation.

 

Dinner for them is fast food and pizza. Bio-Mom doesn't cook and my husband never made them eat a "real" meal either.

 

My children know that it is wrong. It makes them angry and that is why they don't want them here. My children have sat through dinner going on and on about how good it is ect hoping to instill some manners. Its not like I am cooking food kids do not like. Its the same stuff my own eat and not much different then a typical school menu with a meat, vegetable, and side of fruit.

[TheKat23]

The whole thing is just so freaking weird. I mean they are not babies, but he still helps them shower and dress. And the other night as he was soaking in the tub his ten year old just walks in knowing hes in the tub naked. I flipped out that was just INAPPROPRIATE! Shes a girl! And she clings to him like he will try to walk and she is wrapped around his legs. We try to talk and she is interupting in this loud voice grabbing his hands for attention. IDK maybe he just hasn't opened his eyes to see they are not infants

[Tayla]

Consider this a wake up call for you both. As the adults you both have some strengths in parenting skills . For your husband he actually doesn't abuse the role with an iron fist approach. Which is a good thing. Young children dont need that. Guidance and positive reinforcement is the key. For you, yours is structure. Consistency and maintaining a somewhat domineering role. There are ways for you both to concede and learn from the other as a team effort. It takes both of you to respect one anothers parenting skills instead of seeing each others skills as flawed. I personally come from the layed back approach in parenting style which worked. I gained there trust thru listening, true listening. Not the i hear ya mentality kind. Hope this helps , sounds like you want to work thru this.

[lollipopspot]

The whole thing is just so freaking weird. I mean they are not babies, but he still helps them shower and dress. And the other night as he was soaking in the tub his ten year old just walks in knowing hes in the tub naked. I flipped out that was just INAPPROPRIATE! Shes a girl! And she clings to him like he will try to walk and she is wrapped around his legs. We try to talk and she is interupting in this loud voice grabbing his hands for attention. IDK maybe he just hasn't opened his eyes to see they are not infants

 

I do not necessarily see a problem with her walking in when the dad is in the tub. People have different levels of comfort with nudity and openness. That level of comfort doesn't mean there's abuse. But you "flipped out." This post makes me think that it is not just the big things you both strongly disagree with on parenting - discipline, disrespect, etc. - but the smaller things as well. Unless you suspect abuse or a bad effect, you can't flip out and tell him not to allow his kid to walk into the bathroom like that.

 

From your entire thread, this is going to work at all.

 

If you want to stay married, I think you need to do it from separate houses, until all the kids are grown and gone. You can get together in one house or another when none or only one set of the kids are there. In general, blending families is difficult and I think unwise, but it's just not going to work well in your case, with the personalities involved.

 

This situation isn't fair to your kids or to his. They've all been through a lot. It sounds like his kids are being dumped by their mother. And your kids have gone through the loss of their dad. I think the kids need whatever stability and consistency their natural parents can give them, and not to have the drama of an unhappy co-parenting situation. Leave with your kids!

[turnera]

How do I turn things around or even get him to see there’s a problem?

Tell him you're moving out by May 31 unless he goes to MC with you and addresses the issue.

[TaraMaiden]

When I worked with a relationships counselling organisation, and was training as a counsellor, we used to hold weekend workshops for couples wishing to marry in church.

The RC Church makes it a prior condition: The workshop. It facilitates successful communication and teaches people how to manage their emotions and marriages effectively and productively. (what's my point....? hang on.....)

 

Many couples coming to us, were anti-workshop, believing that they had lived together for years, some had even had kids... what was the point???

 

Almost every single person who experienced the workshop was glad they did it. It revealed things, facets and situations they would never have envisaged, or known how to tackle (Keep going, I'm getting there....)

 

One couple had virtually grown up together. They had known each other at play group, junior school senior school, college and University. Then at that point, they went their separate ways, married different people, and had families.

Once divorced, they got back in touch with one another, love blossomed and thy set up home together.

 

During the course of the workshop, the discussion on having kids, and raising them, came up.

It turned into quite a marathon discussion for them, and at one point, aghast, the woman looked at her partner, and said: "My goodness.... I really don't know you at all, do I?"

 

Their ideas on having, raising and disciplining children were so far apart, that she felt this was a deal-breaker.

 

She called off the marriage.

 

Kids are important.

They're the most important genetic connection you'll ever have.

if your ideas are so at odds that it's creating this much of a problem - then it's a deal-breaker....

[turnera]

if your ideas are so at odds that it's creating this much of a problem - then it's a deal-breaker....

Not to mention you have at least 12 more years of his kids being under your roof.

[Radu]

OP, i agree wholeheartedly with TM on this one, but i would like to add something else.

First of all, he is slowly turning this situation into a 'choose me or your kids' situation in which your choice [while sad] is quite obvious.

Unless you can get him to see your pov, and make some huge changes in his way of parenting ... you won't be able to fix this, and you shouldn't either.

Change cannot be forced on someone, it has to come from the person who needs the change and it has to have such a powerfull motivation that it overwrites yrs and yrs of indoctrination while growing up and parenting.

 

When i first read your post, i thought that the dynamic between him and his kids may be the result of parental alienation perpetrated by the children's mother, but on a 2nd read it honestly doesn't sound like that [one parent 'pulls up' the kids to the level of parent and aims them towards the other parent with an unconscious desire/need to replace them ... which is how a parent can do parental alienation by slowly convincing the child that the other parent is 'no good'].

I think you need to go see a therapist, give it your best to save this marriage, but go in with a full clear list not 'he makes me feel'.

Write down instances where he acted this way, and maybe even keep a journal.

 

If this doesn't work, i don't think you can do much else.

In the meantime, i would forbid him from parenting your own kids and i would make sure he understood that it is a deal-breaker for you.

 

PS: I can empathise a little with your kids.

My grandparents on my mother's side always had a soft spot for my cousins because they lived in the area, they would literally let them get away with murder, especially after one of them died at a young age due to heart problems.

And i'm not kidding, i've took a few rocks to the head and even an axe was thrown at my head, missed me by 3-4 inches ... all with no punishment but severe punishment if we missbehaved.

You can imagine how much i loved my grandparents ... and how much i liked going there.

[turnera]

My H's mom was Italian and his dad was Polish. Apparently the Polish and Italians hated each other back then. H looks 100% Italian and brother and sister look Polish. When they would visit his dad's parents, H was not allowed in their house! Literally! His dad would try to sneak food outside to give to H. It was the main reason his parents moved here - to get away from those parents.

[pteromom]

First of all you need to separate the stuff that truly is an issue from the stuff that is just a different parenting style.

 

That he helps his kids get dressed, allows his daughter to hang on his leg, or allows her to come in when he is in the bath is between him and his kids. That doesn't affect you or your kids, and you have no say in his relationship between him and his children.

 

But the meal time issue, and anything that causes different rules for his kids vs. your kids... those are real issues that need to be resolved between you and your husband.

 

If he won't get on board with creating family rules and won't go to counseling, I don't know what else you can do. Either accept it and worry about your own children, or leave.

[angie2443]

IMO, the father in this situation is being neglectful. Loving parents provide their children with structure. They let their children know what is expected and what behaviors are not appropriate. They teach their children healthy bounderies. A loving father does not let his 10 year old daughter hang out with him while he's naked in the tub. Parents who are this lenient are not doing what they do out of love for their kids. They simply don't want to take the time and energy to set healthy rules for their kids and teach their kids to follow them. It's easier to either let the kids do what they want, and yell or hit them when they really get on the parents nerves, then to give up that extra time and mental energy that's needed to be consistant with rules.

 

Maybe I missed something and the father's not that bad, but the tub thing is enough for me to guess that something is wrong with this guys thinking.