Don't shoot the AP, we hurt too.

[krazikat]

The BS owes the AP nothing. If an AP behind a relationship with a mm, then they went in knowing full well that they were engaging with a mm, someone who should be off limits, so to speak. The BS is the victim of both of you.

 

I feel sympathy that you are in pain, and the love may well have been real, but clearly not real enough for him to have a real relationship with you. Whatever his reasons are, he is staying with his wife.

 

What I see in your post is a lack of ownership for your actions. You blame him, then seek sympathy from BS. What decisions did he force upon you? I am sure you know right from wrong...and affairs are generally seen as wrong...yet you chose to engage time and again.

 

My husband, like spent others, couldn't get away from his ow fast enough on dday. Read the boards...this is quite common. And unfortunate. But your hurt, though very real, cannot compare to the life shattering pain that a BS experiences.

 

And contrary to what some ow like to think, many mm are still very much in love with their wives and are able to rededicate themselves to the marriage.

 

I hope you learn to take ownership of your actions. And I hope you heal and are able to move on from this mess. Sending positive thoughts your way....

[daretotrustlove]

Thank You for the insight. Just to clear a few facts. Neither one of us has kids at home. I was not asking for sympathy from the BS. Nor for myself. I was asking how a mm can take the (OW) that far and then destroy her, destroy his wife and his own life. My pain is punishment. I know this. She knew all along. She did not want to know the truth. If she did contact me, I would tell her what ever she wanted to know. The truth. There is no reason not to tell her or anwser any questions that she would have. I know that he lied to her about how deep our relationship was. She knows who I'am and she knows where to find me.

I will "NOT" contact him or break NC in any way.

 

I will not do anything to her or her family.

 

Yes, I will live with this the rest of my life. We all will.

[BHsigh]

Thank You for the insight. Just to clear a few facts. Neither one of us has kids at home. I was not asking for sympathy from the BS. Nor for myself. I was asking how a mm can take the (OW) that far and then destroy her, destroy his wife and his own life. My pain is punishment. I know this. She knew all along. She did not want to know the truth. If she did contact me, I would tell her what ever she wanted to know. The truth. There is no reason not to tell her or anwser any questions that she would have. I know that he lied to her about how deep our relationship was. She knows who I'am and she knows where to find me.

I will "NOT" contact him or break NC in any way.

 

I will not do anything to her or her family.

 

Yes, I will live with this the rest of my life. We all will.

 

I'm glad to hear that there are no kids involved, I apologize if my post implied that, I was replying to the other poster. I also apologize if your situation is different than the normal hidden affair, but how can you be sure that MM's BS knew all along, did MM tell you that? It's also strange that you stae that she knew all along, but he still destroyed both you and his wife. A slight correction, he hurt you and you and him hurt his wife.

 

As a BS, I have no idea how an AP can take things that far and just drop you. Have you ever questioned why you as an AP to a MM could be willingly led that far, or even started to begin with?

[rumbleseat]

Thank You for the insight. Just to clear a few facts. Neither one of us has kids at home. I was not asking for sympathy from the BS. Nor for myself. I was asking how a mm can take the (OW) that far and then destroy her, destroy his wife and his own life. My pain is punishment. I know this. She knew all along. She did not want to know the truth. If she did contact me, I would tell her what ever she wanted to know. The truth. There is no reason not to tell her or anwser any questions that she would have. I know that he lied to her about how deep our relationship was. She knows who I'am and she knows where to find me.

I will "NOT" contact him or break NC in any way.

 

I will not do anything to her or her family.

 

Yes, I will live with this the rest of my life. We all will.

 

Why do his lies only matter when they were told to you? Why do they only make him a bad person when you were the one being deceived? Surely he lied to her as well, and you would have known this. Why was it okay for him to lie to her? During the affair, did you ever chastise him for lying and tell him he was a bad person be chase he lied to her? Why do these lies only matter now that the affair is over?

 

I know that sounds snarky, but I have often wondered that about affairs, and haven't really ever gotten a straight answer. Why do the only lies that matter are the lies told to an ow?

 

You have already done more harm to her than you will ever know or understand.

 

As for "the truth" , I highly doubt you will ever know what the truth of their marriage was unless you hear it from her, just as she might. Never know the truth of your affair unless she hears it from you.

 

When it comes to why and how he could do this to you, you may never know the answer. Maybe he doesn't even know it himself.

[BeholdtheMan]

I guess what I'm asking is how does a mm take a ow that far and then just put them in the trash. That's how I feel. Like trash.

 

Did you know he was married when you had sex with him? At some point you must've found out...yet you didn't end it.

 

I have no sympathy for those who know something is wrong but do it anyway, or don't have the moral strength to end it when the truth is revealed

[whatatangledweb]

There is alot more to the story, alot of struggles, alot of hurt, but also alot of love, support, understanding. I guess what I'm asking is how does a mm take a ow that far and then just put them in the trash. That's how I feel. Like trash. The hurt is so bad. Its paralizing at times. How do you do this to someone. I know, I know, I wanted him to deal with his M, and then D and then we would see where it took us. How do you build someones hopes up, and then just disappear on them. The AP does get hurt, we listen to the same lies, we believe the stories. We fall in love too.

 

He may well have thought he would leave his wife. When he told her then he saw her pain and he had to face what he had done to her. He chose to stay married. If she is like many BS she insisted on NC. That meant he could never from that moment have any contact with you not even to tell you what happened. Hurts to hear but her pain was more important to him than yours . Other wise he would have reached out to you. He may have cared for you but his wife is his life. So he stayed with her.

 

See reality does not hit them until they have to face what they did. Some will leave their spouses but most will do anything and everything to save their marriage.

 

We listen to different lies not the same ones. We also hear different stories. I am sorry you are in pain but the pain is not the same. It hurts just as badly. We were blindsided. You knew he had a wife, we didn't know he had an OW. You knew he was a liar, we did not.

[dichotomy]

We actually fell in love. The real kind, not the fantasy kind. We loved each other.... The love was real.

 

all of the sudden, he is not wanting to leave. What !!!???

 

what I'm asking is how does a mm take a ow that far and then just put them in the trash. That's how I feel. Like trash. The hurt is so bad. Its paralizing at times. How do you do this to someone.

 

How do you build someones hopes up, and then just disappear on them?

 

Was it real love? What exactly is real love? Is it a feeling or an action? He really loved you? You state he/we did - but then later on you seem to question this... though his actions towards you and his wife. How was he really loving?

 

Just for you to think about...you are a single OW? I am sorry for your pain, that is real, and so is the pain of others involved in this. Truly I am sorry.

[gia37]

I sympathize with you and I am sorry for your pain. In spite of what most posters here say I understand very well that sometimes there is just that one person in the world for you and you love him, not matter what.

 

Try to get over this resentment towards him and build your inner strength. I am sure he loves you still, but things will get better (whatever they might be) only when you get back your self-worth and peace of mind.

 

Be grateful for the advice, but always follow your heart.

[Quiet Storm]

I think it is mistake for OW to feel that "real love" validates the affair.

 

MM loving the OW does not seem to benefit the OW. It just makes her accept far less than what she deserves for an even longer period of time. It makes makes her tolerate more, and MM know this and love her for it.

 

Many MM seem to love OW like a commodity, to be used at his convenience. I don't say this to minimize the relationship. And I'm not talking about just being used for sex, but also for emotional support, validation, escape. Meeting his needs. And that is a kind of love. But love is subjective- MM can say he loves OW, his wife, his kids, cheeseburgers, fast cars, football, fishing, etc. He loves all those things, but what does he value? That is the question. Whose feelings does he value? Whose opinions does he value? Whose future does he value? Whose time does he value? Whose well being does he value? Whose respect does he value?

 

What makes me doubt the love is simple. I believe when you love someone, you have their best interests at heart. Mm with single OW know they are keeping OW from finding a man that can give her what she deserves. If she wants kids, they know she is wasting precious years. And MM with MW know that the affair is putting her family at risk. This shows me that they are not valuing OWs feelings, future, well being, happiness. It feels like they put their own needs first, and OW is who is left to sacrifice, tolerate, postpone and perpetually understand.

 

If MM loves OW as an amazing person, if he knows her fears, hopes and dreams, if he appreciates all her qualities and admires her, if he enjoys her personality and nature, if he cares for her well being, if he wants her to meet her goals and succeed, if he values her happiness and wants her to be comfortable, happy and strong.... then he would not willingly do this to someone he loves.

 

So I believe in the intensity of the feelings, and the emotional connection. I believe in the attraction and the mutual meeting of each others needs, I believe in the genuine enjoyment of each others company. The part of love that seems to be missing is the care, concern and consideration part of love. The words are there (MM will often tell ow that she deserves better, apologizing, promising), but his actions show otherwise.

 

I think when love is declared, it just makes OW more tolerant of all the negative aspects of an affair. It slowly chips away at her self worth, the sad moments begin to outnumber the happy ones, she often feels isolated, hiding it from those that love her (family and friends), rationalizing why this affair is worth it all.

 

OP, I know you are hurting and I know you do feel betrayed. His treatment of you does not determine your value. Love yourself- show yourself the care and concern that you deserve. Find comfort in your children, family and friends.

[jellybean89]

The short version of pain. I was the OW. We were together for 3 1/2 yrs. We actually fell in love. The real kind, not the fantasy kind. We loved each other, we dealt with everyday issue's. We supported each other when it came to work, kids, everyday life. After 3 1/2 yrs. He ended. Let the pain begin !!!!!. During the year apart, he would message here and there. I would reply very shortly. The love was real. Our lives were real.

 

How do you build someones hopes up, and then just disappear on them. The AP does get hurt, we listen to the same lies, we believe the stories. We fall in love too.

 

What do you mean by "not the fantasy kind"? He used you to fill a void within him. Real love (for me) is action - feelings and actions. Real love is doing whatever you can to not hurt the one you love...yet he hurt you repeatedly. You chose to forgive him for those actions. How exactly did you two have this real love, yet he went home to his wife? Did he vacation with her? Did he change his will to include you? Did you have power of attorney should anything happen to him? Did he have you listed as an emergency contact? Those are actions of someone in love. Did he ever take steps to separate and divorce his wife? Those would be actions of someone in love with another.

 

I do not understand when OW state they had this "real love" yet they are still the hidden affair person. I do not understand when OW claim how real things were yet the MM ends things with them to work on the marriage. I am of the opinion that if he truly loved you, he would have ended the marriage to begin a life with you. He would have done everything in his power to be with you, out in the open. Actions.

 

She is not 'fun on the side' she was real love but he could not cope with the realisation that maybe he would lose his family. it does not make his love for her 'fun' it makes it an unbelievable tug of love between losing his children or her. Well if he had anything about him it would be his kids, but not for ever. who wins? no one. A miserable shell of a man still sticking with his routine.... never being fulfilled. And a family who do not know what is wrong with him.

 

But how is she a 'real love' if he chose to end his affair with her? If he loved her, he would want to be with her -- to shout to everyone that he loves her. Many times, a divorce actually makes a parent step up to the plate and be a parent involved in their child's lives instead of spending their 'free time' engaging in an affair, which takes away from spending time with your children. I do not understand this line of thinking - the married cheating parent is spending hours texting/sexting/emailing/chatting with the affair partner when he could be spending that time with his children. When an affair paretner pushes for him to start a life with her, many times the cheating parent all of a sudden cites his "losing" his children as a reason to not make a life with the new love. In this case, there are no children at home so the arguement that he didn't want to lose his children doesn't come into play here. If this man is as miserable as you imply, then he would gladly take the chance to be with his "real love". I guess he did - he chose his wife.

 

Thank You for the insight. Just to clear a few facts. Neither one of us has kids at home. I was not asking for sympathy from the BS. Nor for myself. I was asking how a mm can take the (OW) that far and then destroy her, destroy his wife and his own life. My pain is punishment. I know this. She knew all along. She did not want to know the truth. If she did contact me, I would tell her what ever she wanted to know. The truth. There is no reason not to tell her or anwser any questions that she would have. I know that he lied to her about how deep our relationship was. She knows who I'am and she knows where to find me.

I will "NOT" contact him or break NC in any way.

 

How can a man betray his wife so badly? How can he stay with her day after day after day - night after night after night and cheat on her? How can a man who courted a woman, picked a ring for a woman, and planned a future with a woman make the decision to deceive and disrespect her so much? You ask how can a cheater do this to his affair partner -- I ask how can he do this to his wife? If he can do it to the woman he married, he can do it to you.

 

How do you know she knew? Is that because he told you that? You do realize that he told you many lies, correct? He claims to have loved you; but he chose a life without you. I know you are hurting, and I am sorry that you chose to get involved with a married man. I hope you can put this relationship in the past and move forward with the knowledge that affairs are not real love - at least not in the sense that I view real love...as an action and feelings. If he really loved you, nothing would stop him from being with you in my view.

 

I wish you a speedy recovery from the ending of this affair.

[SugarHibiscus]

W

I do not understand when OW state they had this "real love" yet they are still the hidden affair person. I do not understand when OW claim how real things were yet the MM ends things with them to work on the marriage. I am of the opinion that if he truly loved you, he would have ended the marriage to begin a life with you. He would have done everything in his power to be with you, out in the open. Actions.

 

 

 

But how is she a 'real love' if he chose to end his affair with her? If he loved her, he would want to be with her -- to shout to everyone that he loves her. Many times, a divorce actually makes a parent step up to the plate and be a parent involved in their child's lives instead of spending their 'free time' engaging in an affair, which takes away from spending time with your children. I do not understand this line of thinking - the married cheating parent is spending hours texting/sexting/emailing/chatting with the affair partner when he could be spending that time with his children. When an affair paretner pushes for him to start a life with her, many times the cheating parent all of a sudden cites his "losing" his children as a reason to not make a life with the new love. In this case, there are no children at home so the arguement that he didn't want to lose his children doesn't come into play here. If this man is as miserable as you imply, then he would gladly take the chance to be with his "real love". I guess he did - he chose his wife.

 

 

If the wife is the "real love", why is the WH stepping out? When we follow your logic, the WH doesn't love either the wife (b/c of the A) or the OW (b/c of staying in the marriage).

 

Enough with the generalities. Let's talk about me. I "really love" my OM. Honestly, I do. As a person. As a friend. As a lover. Even though he is my "hidden affair person". BTW...I am worried about him shouting his love for me to anybody that will listen. He's done it before!

 

Am I going to leave my H? No because when we get down to the crux of the matter, marriage is a legal and societal contract. I stay with him because I am obliged by history, circumstance and public pressure. Romantic? No. Realistic? Yes. If there were no outside factors, and the choice was simply between my H and Om, my OM would undoubtedly win.

 

My A hardly stops me from being a good parent. My children are my number one priority. (Why else would I stay with their dad?) I live for them. I am a stay-at-home mother. I am their protector, teacher and champion.

 

Adults have adult lives. We are human. Mommy. Is. A. Person.

[SugarHibiscus]

Did you know he was married when you had sex with him? At some point you must've found out...yet you didn't end it.

 

I have no sympathy for those who know something is wrong but do it anyway, or don't have the moral strength to end it when the truth is revealed

 

Is your halo heavy?

 

 

 

Although they may vary, most of us succumb to our vices at some point in our lives. Life happens in degrees, not absolutes. I try not to say "I'll never" do this or that like that other person. One never knows what she will do until she finds herself in the situation.

 

 

 

 

 

It's like the classic frog in the pot analogy:

 

They say that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water,

it will leap out right away to escape the danger.

 

But, if you put a frog in a kettle that is filled with water that is cool and pleasant, and then you gradually heat the kettle until it starts boiling,

the frog will not become aware of the threat until it is too late.

 

Some of us succumb to the pot! The pot did seem innocent and comfortable in the beginning, huh? Now it's frog legs for dinner.

[sweet_pea]

Is your halo heavy?

 

 

 

Although they may vary, most of us succumb to our vices at some point in our lives. Life happens in degrees, not absolutes. I try not to say "I'll never" do this or that like that other person. One never knows what she will do until she finds herself in the situation.

 

 

 

 

 

It's like the classic frog in the pot analogy:

 

They say that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water,

it will leap out right away to escape the danger.

 

But, if you put a frog in a kettle that is filled with water that is cool and pleasant, and then you gradually heat the kettle until it starts boiling,

the frog will not become aware of the threat until it is too late.

 

Some of us succumb to the pot! The pot did seem innocent and comfortable in the beginning, huh? Now it's frog legs for dinner.

 

So are you saying that people in affairs are not aware of the danger and problems it will cause until it's too late?

[krazikat]

Is your halo heavy?

 

 

 

Although they may vary, most of us succumb to our vices at some point in our lives. Life happens in degrees, not absolutes. I try not to say "I'll never" do this or that like that other person. One never knows what she will do until she finds herself in the situation.

 

 

 

 

 

It's like the classic frog in the pot analogy:

 

They say that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water,

it will leap out right away to escape the danger.

 

But, if you put a frog in a kettle that is filled with water that is cool and pleasant, and then you gradually heat the kettle until it starts boiling,

the frog will not become aware of the threat until it is too late.

 

Some of us succumb to the pot! The pot did seem innocent and comfortable in the beginning, huh? Now it's frog legs for dinner.

 

An affair is not a vice unless one is a serial cheater maybe and it is an addiction....but saying it is a vice or "it just happened" is really just showing a lack of ownership for poor boundries and/or decision making.

 

And I know for a fact that I will never knowingly have relations with someone elses husband....and yes I absolutely can say that as fact. No halo here, I just absolutely know my boundries.

[krazikat]

If the wife is the "real love", why is the WH stepping out? When we follow your logic, the WH doesn't love either the wife (b/c of the A) or the OW (b/c of staying in the marriage).

 

Enough with the generalities. Let's talk about me. I "really love" my OM. Honestly, I do. As a person. As a friend. As a lover. Even though he is my "hidden affair person". BTW...I am worried about him shouting his love for me to anybody that will listen. He's done it before!

 

Am I going to leave my H? No because when we get down to the crux of the matter, marriage is a legal and societal contract. I stay with him because I am obliged by history, circumstance and public pressure. Romantic? No. Realistic? Yes. If there were no outside factors, and the choice was simply between my H and Om, my OM would undoubtedly win.

 

My A hardly stops me from being a good parent. My children are my number one priority. (Why else would I stay with their dad?) I live for them. I am a stay-at-home mother. I am their protector, teacher and champion.

 

Adults have adult lives. We are human. Mommy. Is. A. Person.

 

What about your husband? Doesnt he deserve to know you are only with him for the kid and expectations? Does he not get to decide of he wants the same or of he wants to be with someone who actually wants to be with him? Is an open marriage an option?

[yellowmaverick]

If the wife is the "real love", why is the WH stepping out? When we follow your logic, the WH doesn't love either the wife (b/c of the A) or the OW (b/c of staying in the marriage).

 

Enough with the generalities. Let's talk about me. I "really love" my OM. Honestly, I do. As a person. As a friend. As a lover. Even though he is my "hidden affair person". BTW...I am worried about him shouting his love for me to anybody that will listen. He's done it before!

 

Am I going to leave my H? No because when we get down to the crux of the matter, marriage is a legal and societal contract. I stay with him because I am obliged by history, circumstance and public pressure. Romantic? No. Realistic? Yes. If there were no outside factors, and the choice was simply between my H and Om, my OM would undoubtedly win.

 

My A hardly stops me from being a good parent. My children are my number one priority. (Why else would I stay with their dad?) I live for them. I am a stay-at-home mother. I am their protector, teacher and champion.

 

Adults have adult lives. We are human. Mommy. Is. A. Person.

 

Back again? Different name, same story.

 

If you believe that having an affair does not affect your parenting, you are turning a blind eye.

 

Who you are, as a human being, deeply affects your children. Children can sense it and see right through it.

[Scott Thomas]

If the wife is the "real love", why is the WH stepping out? When we follow your logic, the WH doesn't love either the wife (b/c of the A) or the OW (b/c of staying in the marriage).

 

Enough with the generalities. Let's talk about me. I "really love" my OM. Honestly, I do. As a person. As a friend. As a lover. Even though he is my "hidden affair person". BTW...I am worried about him shouting his love for me to anybody that will listen. He's done it before!

 

Am I going to leave my H? No because when we get down to the crux of the matter, marriage is a legal and societal contract. I stay with him because I am obliged by history, circumstance and public pressure. Romantic? No. Realistic? Yes. If there were no outside factors, and the choice was simply between my H and Om, my OM would undoubtedly win.

 

My A hardly stops me from being a good parent. My children are my number one priority. (Why else would I stay with their dad?) I live for them. I am a stay-at-home mother. I am their protector, teacher and champion.

 

Adults have adult lives. We are human. Mommy. Is. A. Person.

 

Okay, I understand that you love your OM and are staying with the H because of the lifestyle he provides. Please answer the following questions:

 

1)Part of that contract also entails sexual and emotional fidelity, not just keeping up appearances at church or dressing up for family parties.

 

2)Let's assume that we ignore that particular portion if the contract, what about equality and fairness? You've found happiness so shouldn't your husband be allowed a chance at finding happiness. By this logic, why shouldn't your husband be allowed to sleep with one of your attractive friends?

You're allowed to do it, why shouldn't he?

 

3)I am sure that you're an excellent mother and protector, but a teacher? Inculcating deception into young minds are we?

 

Won't you agree that the right of living a happy life extends to the both of you? Tit for tat, no? You both take lovers and get your needs met. I've seen people ridicule this concept as they think that it's 'French'. However I think it is fair and an honest way to approach a marriage, though not the ideal. Why isn't an open marriage an option?

 

4)Assuming that one say you're caught and the OM decides to leave you, will you lie to your husband and pretend that you love him?

 

5)Assuming that the OM throws you under the bus, will you still 'still love' him?

Edited February 8, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[rumbleseat]

Is your halo heavy?

 

 

 

Although they may vary, most of us succumb to our vices at some point in our lives. Life happens in degrees, not absolutes. I try not to say "I'll never" do this or that like that other person. One never knows what she will do until she finds herself in the situation.

 

 

 

It's like the classic frog in the pot analogy:

 

They say that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water,

it will leap out right away to escape the danger.

 

But, if you put a frog in a kettle that is filled with water that is cool and pleasant, and then you gradually heat the kettle until it starts boiling,

the frog will not become aware of the threat until it is too late.

 

Some of us succumb to the pot! The pot did seem innocent and comfortable in the beginning, huh? Now it's frog legs for dinner.

 

 

And such is the cry of those who hurt others. "I didn't know".

 

While someone may not realize they are developing feelings for someone, they sure as h@ll know they are acting on them. If, as some say, an affair is an "adult" situation, then so be it, but f it is an adult situation, then why do the two involved fall back onto the excuses of children (" I didn't mean for it to happen"?).

 

Maybe I am sanctimonious, but I am past the point of caring about that. I am sick to death of hearing how people can hurt others and then try and use the same old excuses for why it is okay.

 

Maybe to those who do the hurting, it's a fair price to pay for their pleasure, but for those who pay the price, it most certainly is not.

[rumbleseat]

So are you saying that people in affairs are not aware of the danger and problems it will cause until it's too late?

 

It's like someone who pucks up a rattlesnake then complains when they are bitten.

[kjohn]

OP, from one human being to another, I am very sorry that you are hurting so deeply. I hope that you can find a way to heal and move forward.

 

You asked a question in your first post…

 

I guess what I'm asking is how does a mm take a ow that far and then just put them in the trash?

 

As you move forward with your life, after you have healed from this relationship and are feeling ready to move on to a new, healthy relationship, I would like to offer you a piece of advice…

 

If a man is married and tries to start a relationship with another woman he is EXACTLY the kind of man who is capable of leaving you feeling as though he has thrown you in the trash.

 

Be better than that. Love yourself more than that. Don't let this happen to you again. Value yourself enough to know that you deserve to be the ONE and ONLY woman in a man's life.

 

I don't care what kind of stories he tells you. I don't care if he says his M is over. I don't care if he tries to make his W sound like the most evil, horrible creature on the face of the earth. If he is married, walk away. He is another woman's problem….he doesn't have to become yours.

[sunburned]

If a man is married and tries to start a relationship with another woman he is EXACTLY the kind of man who is capable of leaving you feeling as though he has thrown you in the trash.

Be better than that. Love yourself more than that. Don't let this happen to you again. Value yourself enough to know that you deserve to be the ONE and ONLY woman in a man's life.

 

I don't care what kind of stories he tells you. I don't care if he says his M is over. I don't care if he tries to make his W sound like the most evil, horrible creature on the face of the earth. If he is married, walk away. He is another woman's problem….he doesn't have to become yours.

It really is that simple!

 

 

Too bad LS isn't required reading BEFORE an A. We'd all know better.

[William]

Good morning,

 

Due to reports of a member making comments about moderation, we found a previously banned member and cleaned that up. As a reminder, when encountering such postings, please report them, as a couple of members did, and don't engage the person on-forum, as subsequent discussion becomes increasingly difficult to unwind and may leave respondents subject to sanction for off-topic postings.

 

For general consumption, relevant to 'bias' here by moderation, each 'side' in this fight believes moderation to be the 'other side'. While such speculation is entertaining, please confine it to PM's to other members or, more officially, PM our head moderator, Tony, if you feel moderation is biased. He does read PM's and wants to know what's going on here.

 

Apparently this thread is regarding affair partners in 'hurt', so please continue discussion along those topic lines. Thanks for reading and have a pleasant morning!

 

--> Evening update: Apparently there were two previously banned members working in this thread and I missed one this morning, so cleaned that up, including responses thereto, along with some off-topic postings regarding thread placement and appropriate posts.

 

As a reminder, threads on LoveShack are free, so if a member has a new thought not topical to an existing discussion, we encourage you to start one of your own. If wishing to post in this forum, merely read the sticky thread at the top of it to see if your thread is properly placed here. The guidelines are pretty simple.

 

OK, evening update concluded. Sorry for the clutter earlier!

Edited February 9, 2014 by William

[Scott Thomas]

Rumbleseat, while I understand your point of view and, to an extent, agree with much of what you're saying, this is the OW/OM forum.

I am sure SugarHibiscus is aware of the moral issue pertaining to her actions. I think the best way is to engage posters in a rhetorical dialogue. Let's leave the 'attack' to the infidelity section.

 

As for Sufar Hibiscus, that's a pretty convenient excuse. I'll add Q6:

 

How hurt would your H and the OM's wife be, we're this affair to be discovered? Would reconciliation be possible? Will you OM be hurt?

 

Do answer my 5 questions along with this one and we'll meet the moderator's demand. I'm a former BH and a FMOM so I understand both sides of the story, and would like to see you respond to these inquiries.

Edited February 8, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[woinlove]

For the OP, I think kjohn above summed up some points nicely.

The reasons why MM behave the way the do is probably some combination of some elements of selfishness, immaturity, conflict avoidance, values (or lack thereof), ability to deceive, weakness, etc., and the positive that can come out of all of the hurt for the OW is learning more about oneself and others and using that knowledge in the future to make better choices. The pain can be overwhelming at times but it does subside. One can help the healing by focussing on what can be learned and by going through the motions of re-engaging with positive people and activities until the enjoyment returns.

Edited February 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Scott Thomas]

I always thought I knew what pain was when I saw my fellow comrades getting wounded while putting their lives in the line of fire.

 

It wasn't until I became a victim of friendly fire that I truly realised what pain actually felt like.

 

Substitute pain for hurt.

Catch my drift?