Don't shoot the AP, we hurt too.

[Leelou]

How do you build someones hopes up, and then just disappear on them. The AP does get hurt, we listen to the same lies, we believe the stories. We fall in love too.

Yes, the AP is a person with real feelings who gets hurt, but MM is WEAK... so, he is wishy-washy and he wants what he can't have, and he's too scared to make a decision and stick to it. He doesn't think of your feelings because he is only considering himself.

[Neith]

I don't believe I'm actually reading this.

 

You seem to forget that YOUR actions & lack of self control is the thing that has caused someone else the most pain, and yet here you are whining about how YOU and other APs are hurt? Just because your "love" was "real"?

 

Sorry, but just no.

 

Play with fire & you'll get burnt.

[kjohn]

Neith, I completely agree with you. Getting involved with a person who is married is a choice…a very bad choice and the consequences of that choice are yours to own.

 

In this case, however, the damage has already been done. I am hoping that the OP learns from this and does not let the same mistake happen twice.

 

3 years ago, I was the BW. My exH decided to walk away from our 14 year marriage for his AP. I can tell you first-hand what it feels like to know that another woman is believing a bunch of lies being told about you and the state of your marriage so that somehow she can feel justified about crawling into bed with your H and believing that it is ok.

 

The AP is not innocent. She made a choice, but her choice was based on a sob story full of lies so basically she was played like a violin.

 

That is why I said in my original post…I don't care what he tells you, don't get involved with a married man no matter what.

 

I have been told by people who know the AP that she is a very insecure person. I am quite certain that I was made out to be some horrible person who was impossible to live with, etc., etc.

 

I wonder how AP would feel if she knew the truth of what was really going on in our marital home during the time she was sleeping with my husband. I can guarantee it is a very different picture than what she was led to believe. That's why discovering that he was having an affair was such a shock to me.

 

My opinion is that even though it is a choice to become involved with someone who is married and you can just as easily choose to say no, the married person is MORE to blame. You see, they are the only one who knows the whole truth. They know what is really going on in the marital home. They know the lies they are telling to their spouse and they know the lies they are telling to their AP. They are playing both sides of the fence to ensure that the situation works out to THEIR OWN benefit….and if it takes them a while to figure out which side of the fence they truly want to be on, they will continue to play both sides until they know. There is no regard for anyone else's feelings. It is completely selfish and self-centered. It's all about them.

 

So when OP asked how her MM could do this to her? That is exactly how…he is a selfish, self-centered jerk who doesn't care about her feelings or the feelings of his W anywhere near as much as he cares about his own feelings, wants and needs. Get as far away from him as you can! Run, don't walk, and never look back!

 

He's playing you now. What would happen if you "won" him and managed to steal him away from his W? What is your prize? A lifetime of being played by a selfish jerk? The constant wonder of "he did it with me, will he do it to me?" Is that what you really want?

 

Don't let yourself become the OW again. It is not a respectable position to put yourself in.

 

As for me, the minute I found out that I was being played I ran as fast as I could to the nearest divorce lawyer and got out. I am making light of it here, but it hurt like Hell and was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. That feeling of hurt and betrayal is like nothing I can describe and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I am proud of myself that I walked away from a man who was not being true to me. As for her….she married the slimy jerk so good luck to her.

[daretotrustlove]

Thank you for your replies.

 

No, I will not, ever allow this to happen again. Yes, I have my own responsibilities in this situation. I'm dealing with them. As much as I do hurt from what he did. I'm just as angry at myself. I allowed him to treat me this way.

 

Never Again.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[experiencethedevine]

If the wife is the "real love", why is the WH stepping out? When we follow your logic, the WH doesn't love either the wife (b/c of the A) or the OW (b/c of staying in the marriage).

 

Enough with the generalities. Let's talk about me. I "really love" my OM. Honestly, I do. As a person. As a friend. As a lover. Even though he is my "hidden affair person". BTW...I am worried about him shouting his love for me to anybody that will listen. He's done it before!

 

Am I going to leave my H? No because when we get down to the crux of the matter, marriage is a legal and societal contract. I stay with him because I am obliged by history, circumstance and public pressure. Romantic? No. Realistic? Yes. If there were no outside factors, and the choice was simply between my H and Om, my OM would undoubtedly win.

 

My A hardly stops me from being a good parent. My children are my number one priority. (Why else would I stay with their dad?) I live for them. I am a stay-at-home mother. I am their protector, teacher and champion.

 

Adults have adult lives. We are human. Mommy. Is. A. Person.

 

 

 

 

I have heard many, many excuses for a myriad of poor choices/boundaries/behaviour, but I have to say this one was the one that made me laugh hardest.

 

 

What complete and utter codswallop.........................

[experiencethedevine]

Thank you for your replies.

 

No, I will not, ever allow this to happen again. Yes, I have my own responsibilities in this situation. I'm dealing with them. As much as I do hurt from what he did. I'm just as angry at myself. I allowed him to treat me this way.

 

Never Again.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Then you have indeed learned a valuable life long lesson.

 

 

I wish you a better future my dear.