Women who walked away, could I get your perspective?

[Lost soulmate]

My wife walked away from a seemingly good marriage. I dont know if it was GIGS or an affair. I was wondering if I could get a female's thoughts on this. We never fought much and when we did it never lasted through the night. Why do women seem to not tell their feelings before its to late? If a woman is not confrontational during the marriage, why do they find it so easy once they made their mind up? Does the dumper even have feelings toward the dumpee after spending so many years together. I have noticed on this site, women seem to help women and men help the men. I think that might have been the problem in the first place with a lot of these marriages. I invite women to comment on this and please dont sugar-coat it. I would like honest feelings.

[oldshirt]

Google 'Walk Away Wife Syndrome.

[No Limit]

Haven't been married yet or anything, and I can't really give much input about not being confrontational either, but yeah, even those women who walk away have minds and hearts and almost all of them initiate contact again, doesn't matter whether it's after only a few days or a few years. The reasons for this are different. It can be guilt, or it can be regret. Second option especially if the woman wasn't mature enough.

[RightThere]

Google 'Walk Away Wife Syndrome.

 

This.

 

Your wife was probably planning this for quite some time before actually cutting loose.

[M30USA]

Does the same thing apply to husbands? As in "walk away husband syndrome"?

[Confusion_Reigns]

I'm walking away. I waited until my kids were older but I knew for some time that I was going to walk. There's a few reasons, that may or may not apply to your situation. Please understand that I am not your wife and cannot speak for her.

 

1) You just get tired. I'm tired of the tension that surrounds me. I'm tired of making excuse for him...for his lack of respect for me. We don't argue anymore because I don't see the point in it anymore. Before we'd argue to high heaven...I *wanted* things to get better between us, for me, for him, for our family. Now, I am accepting that this will not happen. That *this* existence is more important to him than facing and dealing with the issues we've had for so long. So, I can either accept and live it (even tho I hate it) or I can leave and let him find a woman who will love what he has to offer.

 

2) I'm sinking. I'm drowning in the muck. There's so much bad history that has never been addressed (yes, that's partly my fault too and I accept that) that has been swept under the rug. I don' t know how to forgive him for any of that...and more importantly, I don't know how to forgive myself....and if this is the case how can I look my kids in the eyes and respect myself? How can I tell them to love themselves first and foremost if I don't do that for my own self?

 

3) It's just time. It's well past time. I've stayed this long for my kids...really for my need to provide them with a two-parent home...I figured that giving the time that he'd either do or not do...he has had plenty of time to get himself healthy...he's had plenty of time to learn how to love me properly...but he chooses not to do anything...

 

4) I've grown up. Like it or not I am not the same 21 year old girl that I was when I met him...I have a lot of life left in me (hopefully!) and I don't want to spend my time wanting for things to be different...wanting to do the things I want to do...There is so much in this world that I still want to do, see, experience...and he wants to sit on the couch.

[oldshirt]

Does the same thing apply to husbands? As in "walk away husband syndrome"?

 

Essentially yes but it's called different things, midlife crisis, deadbeat dad, abandonment etc

[Lost soulmate]

I have read and googled walk away wives. I just wanted to hear from a woman who has actually done it. Seems weird to me if she had been planning for a long time, why get wrapped up in a new house. Seems like something should have been discussed before then. I read about it and usually the wife has complained over and over agin and the husband doesnt think anything is wrong. This was not the case with us. Everything seemed very loving, sure we had our moments, everyone does. Our friends and even my in-laws are blown away by this. Could be an affair or thoughts of acting on one. I would just like to know what a woman is thinking after the break. One day very loving and seemingly happy the next day hatred.

[M30USA]

Essentially yes but it's called different things, midlife crisis, deadbeat dad, abandonment etc

 

Exactly. Walk Away Wife syndrome is blamed on the husband for not being understanding of a wife's repeated concerns. Yet, if you google "Walk Away Husband Syndrome", you find nothing but terms Oldshirt just said: midlife crisis, deadbeat dad, abandonment, etc. Add this to the list of a million double standards.

[Tripz]

Google 'Walk Away Wife Syndrome.

That right there! I watched a video that completely and concisely laid out EXACTLY what happened in my marriage. So sad too, because had we known what was really going on, we could have salvaged a previously wonderful relationship with counseling, discipline and determination. As I was watching and learning about this, I kept wondering what percentage of marriages fail due to this particular situation?

 

Thank you so much oldshirt for posting that. That might be the single best explanation of what my marriage problems were and something I have truly struggled with trying to figure out for a very long time.

[Ronni_W]

Why do women seem to not tell their feelings before its to late? If a woman is not confrontational during the marriage

Most wives DO express their feelings...but often their complaints -- especially for emotional intimacy, conversation, recreational closeness, more sex -- are ignored, pretended away, I suspect because the husband does not really know how to "fix" those types of things.

 

For others, it is that their presence in the marriage is more-or-less taken for granted. Men seem to feel that they've "done all the work needed" during dating, courtship...and they stop being the man and doing the things and treating her the way that helped the woman fell in love with them in the first place. The woman just ends up being sick of feeling, being treated like part of the household furniture. It accumulates over time when her trying to talk about it is ignored and "her" problem(s) pretended away. Then, when she's done, she is done. It takes a LONG and lonely, painful time to fall out of love and want to leave one's marriage. There is nothing "walk-away" about the process of falling out of love with one's husband or the difficult, painful decision to end one's marriage.

 

Women -- and men -- should not have to be confrontational in order to be heard, to ask for more loving treatment, to have their complaints taken seriously. Calm, loving, rational conversations ought to be able to do the trick. Men -- and women -- must learn better how to have difficult conversations and find mutually agreeable solutions to their relationship problems.

[oldshirt]

I'm walking away. I waited uanil my kids were older but I knew for some time that I was going to walk. There's a few reasons, that may or may not apply to your situation. Please understand that I am not your wife and cannot speak for her.

 

1) You just get tired. I'm tired of the tension that surrounds me. I'm tired of making excuse for him...for his lack of respect for me. We don't argue anymore because I don't see the point in it anymore. Before we'd argue to high heaven...I *wanted* things to get better between us, for me, for him, for our family. Now, I am accepting that this will not happen. That *this* existence is more important to him than facing and dealing with the issues we've had for so long. So, I can either accept and live it (even tho I hate it) or I can leave and let him find a woman who will love what he has to offer.

 

2) I'm sinking. I'm drowning in the muck. There's so much bad history that has never been addressed (yes, that's partly my fault too and I accept that) that has been swept under the rug. I don' t know how to forgive him for any of that...and more importantly, I don't know how to forgive myself....and if this is the case how can I look my kids in the eyes and respect myself? How can I tell them to love themselves first and foremost if I don't do that for my own self?

 

3) It's just time. It's well past time. I've stayed this long for my kids...really for my need to provide them with a two-parent home...I figured that giving the time that he'd either do or not do...he has had plenty of time to get himself healthy...he's had plenty of time to learn how to love me properly...but he chooses not to do anything...

 

4) I've grown up. Like it or not I am not the same 21 year old girl that I was when I met him...I have a lot of life left in me (hopefully!) and I don't want to spend my time wanting for things to be different...wanting to do the things I want to do...There is so much in this world that I still want to do, see, experience...and he wants to sit on the couch.

 

 

That is pretty much textbook. Look up the articles describing WAWS and this is it to a "T."

 

Notice too how a lot of what she said can be paraphrased with, "I waited for him to change and do better, but he never did." Note she never said, " I told him I was desperately unhappy and if things don't improve I AM going to leave!"

 

Now in Confusion' s defense, she probably did give a million little signs and hints that she was dissatisfied and she probably DID try to tell him what she needed many many many many many many many many times. He just didn't hear it.

 

This is where the whole Venus and Mars thing comes in. Men and women often speak different languages. Men don't speak, Signs-And-Hints. That is a foreign language to them.

 

Men only hear being cut off sexually for a couple years, catching wife in bed with another man and being handed divorce papers. A few men will understand the direct and explicit, "I am very unhappy and will leave you shortly if things don't improve." But not all men even pick up on that.

 

Women will endure misery a long long long long time before giving up. Then once they give up they will mark time and wait an even longer time to plan and prepare and let the kids grow and mature before the launch the departure plan.

 

By th time they file, they've declared the marriage dead literally YEARS earlier.

 

Sometimes they mark time untill the kids are older, untill they have a new job, untill they lose weight or many times untill a new man enters their life.

[yorkie]

im sorry but i get the feeling this is turning out into blaming us blokes for it all. tbh my ex moved into a house with me and she said she had been unhappy for years when she left but i tell you what she also said yes to marriage 2 weeks before we split i was there for her and i am a good guy, i have got at least 3 woman saying that to me now and im sorry but yes she was unhappy but a comiment in a relationship is a commitment. my ex found another guy! and cheated! she left me and her kids for this new guy and you know what good riddance! i was there for her through thick n thin i supported her through alot of bad personal stuff which i wont mention on here. i also went out of my way and did most things other blokes wouldnt even think of doing for there woman because because she was my true love! but you know what she cheated! and now she is gone and i personally feel we could look into why's how's etc end of the day she cheated she is gone and whether she comes back or not you deserve better! not being funny but i have spoken to some good friends who are female and have walked on past relationships and i have even had offers of dates off them because they know i am a good guy, your ex cheated on you i feel sorry to sound blunt, im in a simular postion, and she has for only one reason! herself she wanted somthing she shouldnt of had and she took it. now its time to forget her and move on my friend dont worry or try and think why how etc i know its hard im in the same boat but end of the day we never get the answers! everyone is different and although we think we know people we dont really know them at all! lets just move on and find someone who wants you for who you are! and be yourself my friend! us blokes always seem to get the blame whether its us who cheat or the ex gf. but end of the day its about people no just genders!

[Lost soulmate]

Thanks for all who replied. Maybe I have been blind. I just dont know. To me, my life revolved around her. We still had date nights and went places all of the time. The last year though that had slowed down due to her father being diagnosed with terminal cancer. The last year we spent a lot of time caring for him and her mother while he was dying. Also, I was taking care of their home and business maintenance issues along with my own business and trying to work on our new home. Our quality time was limited but we would make time. I thought I was doing the right thing trying to help her family. If the tables were turned I think I would love her even more for being there for them. I am at a loss here. Maybe I was blind to it, I dont know. As far as hints or complaining I didnt see it. I always thought when this happens there would be something more than just goodbye.

[Lost soulmate]

Yorkie,

That is what I asked for, a womans perspective. Honestly, I dont want her back after this. I just want to know how you can easily detach yourself from someone that you have been with for 15 years. I think after that long even if you really didnt care for someone there would be something. If it was that bad why would you be with someone that long with no kids holding you together? Maybe it was an affair or GIGS, I might find out one day but that does not matter now. I want womens thoughts on it because I feel I will have a hard time ever trustung someone completely like I did her. For some strange reason I think hearing a womans side even if they blame the men will give me closure.

[Ronni_W]

Big hugs, Lost soulmate.

 

I totally feel your pain and confusion. I am sorry that you are suffering and having to endure.

 

Something could have been triggered within her after her father passed, (I'm interpreting "was dying" as it eventually happened) -- do you have a way to find out? Grief impacts people differently, so her decision to leave may not be reflective of the man you are and the husband you...were, I guess.

 

After my marriage ended, I found a lot of useful info at MarriageBuilders <dot> com. It came too late but at least did provide some much-needed clarity.

 

Best of luck.

[Confusion_Reigns]

never mind....

[familygone]

I am going through that ,my ex cheated and put the blame on me too .To think of reasons to cheat.She hurt me bad !But after 14 years of marriage it is hard to not think about not wanting the family back.I admit there is a littile bit there for her.

[NYWoman]

I was a walk away. In my case I began listening to a couple of my male co-workers. No matter what my H said or did, they found a way to twist it around and make him look bad. And stupid me, I listened and daily got madder and madder and less happy with my marriage. There reached a point where I refused to listen to what ever my H had to say.

 

 

After reading your story, I suspect that your Ex might have a male co-worker that she was listening to. That in combination with her toxic friend, and you got both barrels blasting your marriage.

 

 

When my Ex caught me cheating, all I did was get madder at him, that is how far I was gone.

 

 

My wake up day, came about a month later when I saw him with another woman. And then it hit me that I was the worlds biggest fool.

 

 

It was too late.

[M30USA]

I was a walk away. In my case I began listening to a couple of my male co-workers. No matter what my H said or did, they found a way to twist it around and make him look bad. And stupid me, I listened and daily got madder and madder and less happy with my marriage. There reached a point where I refused to listen to what ever my H had to say.

 

 

After reading your story, I suspect that your Ex might have a male co-worker that she was listening to. That in combination with her toxic friend, and you got both barrels blasting your marriage.

 

 

When my Ex caught me cheating, all I did was get madder at him, that is how far I was gone.

 

 

My wake up day, came about a month later when I saw him with another woman. And then it hit me that I was the worlds biggest fool.

 

 

It was too late.

 

Wow, I appreciate your honesty and humility.

[Lost soulmate]

If you dont mind me asking, was it one of the co-workers you cheated with? I know guys prey on that sort of thing.

[RightThere]

I was a walk away. In my case I began listening to a couple of my male co-workers. No matter what my H said or did, they found a way to twist it around and make him look bad. And stupid me, I listened and daily got madder and madder and less happy with my marriage. There reached a point where I refused to listen to what ever my H had to say.

 

 

After reading your story, I suspect that your Ex might have a male co-worker that she was listening to. That in combination with her toxic friend, and you got both barrels blasting your marriage.

 

 

When my Ex caught me cheating, all I did was get madder at him, that is how far I was gone.

 

 

My wake up day, came about a month later when I saw him with another woman. And then it hit me that I was the worlds biggest fool.

 

 

It was too late.

 

This describes my STBXW to a "T". I've heard often the wake up day can take years before it happens.

[dream2014]

I am about to be a WAW

- I have told him about my needs, I complained. When I did, we argued. So I started to do it softer. I need intimacy, more love making, talks (to communicate honestly and not just about house chores) - we all need this. he is very selfish sometimes. I made it clear: either this or I leave.

he pretends nothing happened after a talk. he refuses to talk more because he's sick of discussing things.

- I'm tired of it. and sick of it.

there are lots of problems here (from my job and carreer that he doesnt agree with, wanting to make kids but rarely love making, refusing to go sek clinics help when we both suffer from infertility etc). apparently, all is ok. we're a good couple, no fights, helps my family, and he says he is doing his best to make things work. BUT he really only does this in his head, ignoring all I'm saying and actually asking. this blindness will soon lead him into asking "everything was ok, I was doing my best - why is she wanting a divorce?". I will tell him and still, he won;t hear it!

[theothersully]

Yorkie,

That is what I asked for, a womans perspective. Honestly, I dont want her back after this. I just want to know how you can easily detach yourself from someone that you have been with for 15 years. I think after that long even if you really didnt care for someone there would be something. If it was that bad why would you be with someone that long with no kids holding you together? Maybe it was an affair or GIGS, I might find out one day but that does not matter now. I want womens thoughts on it because I feel I will have a hard time ever trustung someone completely like I did her. For some strange reason I think hearing a womans side even if they blame the men will give me closure.

 

This. i cannot trust anymore either.

[dream2014]

unhappiness grows slowly in one's soul, but once it;s there and the person is fed up, maybe he or she will gather enough courage to go, without giving you the hints and explanations he or she gave you thousands times before with no results.