Women who walked away, could I get your perspective?

[Poppyolive]

Just adding my two cents, illness, death, loss, grieving take its toll. And could of made everything you didn't do bigger than it actually is. Again there are bits and bobs of above posters I believe to be right, but thought reading your last post about her family I'd give my share, I had a very dear sick friend a few years back and was not in a good place to accept & deal with what was going in, it made me a very emotional person and with my long term boyfriend at the time every thing he did or didn't do wasn't enough, but I know that it was actually me, then we lost our friend, and things got difficult for us...I needed space. I dont know your exact situation, what was said to you in the "walking away moment" but she may not be in a good place. Just a thought....

[Confusion_Reigns]

You know what would stop me from walking away? The same thing that's kept me hanging on for so long....hope....give me something to hope for, something to believe in....and I'd be in again. Probably just like that. I still love him, my husband...I'm starting to understand the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" just a tiny bit.

 

Words are not going to cut it anymore. I need to see action.

[dream2014]

other than that, the only good think you cand and must do for yourself is - calmly - taking her out for a coffee and kindly ask her to tell the her story behind her leaving. just listen. don't comment. she will vent, don;t worry. listen and shut up as much as you can like you would listen to a friend. try to remember exactly how she's saying things. than go home and write down. and then process. you might be likely to change reality, so it;s important to write down exactly her words if you want to understand better.

after understanding what was going thorugh you might be able to move on with your life without repeating same mistakes over and over again.

there must be a life lesson into it. denying things and seeing only her fault won't help you learn it.

divorce is about 2 persons' faults.no matter how you put it.

[Lost soulmate]

Dream2014

You said in your situation you have told him. For me this was not the case. I know there are things I could have done differently and I know what they are. It wasnt only her fathers death, but in the last two years we have had 5 deaths between our families. It took its toll on both of us. I have always tried to be there for her. I am not just blaming her for what she did. I just dont like how she did it. I obviously know I played a part in it. I tried to talk to her calmly and listen, but it seems like she is rewriting our history. Thats what I want to know. When it gets to that point, is it only the bad that comes to mind. Do you look at the good times and consider that too. Or good qualities. When this happened, I did all the wrong things. I pressured, tried to reason with and even tried to guilt her. Then I realized the more I tried the worse it got. I believe it was just a perfect storm of circumstances that led to this. Believe me when this happened, I did a lot of soul searching. I am not a mind reader. Sometimes little hints might be perceived as a bad day at work or something that happened. I would ask whats wrong and tried to talk about it. I would get the usual "nothing, why?" When your with someone that long you can tell what kind of day they had as soon as they walk in the door. I never ignored when I noticed it. As far as your husband, dont let it get too far before you decide to go. Or maybe give him a wake up call. Out of what ive gone through, this hurts more than anything, but it is too far gone now for me to go back. There still might be a chance for you.

[trippi1432]

Does the same thing apply to husbands? As in "walk away husband syndrome"?

 

Yes, it does. Old country song... "Walkaway Joe" by Trisha Yearwood. Men were doing it way before women and leaving their children in poverty.

[yorkie]

Lost soul sorry if I sounded uptight or offensive in anyway maybe for me after 5 nearly 6 months I am so not over my ex yes I love her no I wont entertain her coming back not that I think she will as she is now moving in with her co worker she had an affair with. Although she denies this still but after reflecting she was seeing this guy I know she was and that the pain I cant let go. I so desperatly want to let things go and although I do to have a new gf who I like alot and she knows everything about how I feel. I still think of my ex. Alot of us I have read in this thread have been with our ex 10 years plus which is a decade. Im not knocking shorter relationships as every reltionship is built on trust. End of the day they took the easy way out doesnt matter how you look at it but I agree how to just let go its fecking hard mate. Someone once told me that if you fill a void in your life with someone else you will swap your feelings. I dont believe that. Im a romantic at heart and tbh I will always love my ex for how I remember her but you know what she is not the same person anymore. And that is helping me. I have asked for closure and havent got it so I have to get closure from withtin some how I dont know and im sure lost soul and you others are feeling the same. But you know what I did blame myself its only natural to blame yourself but my ex cheated on me and that is her breaking trust and love no matter how you look at it. My ex is moving in with this new guy now and tbh I wish her all the luck in the world will it last who knows I didnt and I thought we would grow old together but you know what I have found love again. People keep sayi g time heals etc they got to be right they just got to be right. 5 months on for me and it still hurts but we need to battle on in life.i have a friend who is an amputee from iraq and his ex left him I watched him fight for his life learn to walk again whilst dealing with a broken heart. U know what he now walks and he has found a lovely woman who in my opinion is better looking and a better woman than his ex. Keep your chins up and fight your feelings we all will propser in out futures. Sorry if I offended anyone before not my inention maybe im still in agry phrase although I have accepted its over and accepted I dont want her back and I wish my ex well I just cant forgive which does my head in as I am battling it for some stupid reason. Keep this thread going please. Id love to read others responses and good luck lost soul mukka

[Lost soulmate]

Yorkie,

I take no offense by your comments. I just want to know how women think in this situation. I believe it will help me get past this now and will help my future. I just noticed when men post, other men comment. It helps to hear others opinions but some seem angry and bitter and tell you how it is or jump to conclusions about others situations. None of us really know the others lives or how they live them. I have a friend that was awful to his wife. Everybody saw it but not him. He went through a similar situation when his wife walked out on him. He couldnt understand why she did it but everyone else did. Then he wanted to try and failed miserably. I was nothing like him. Then I know girls that are in abusive relationships that will not leave. Talking to them about my situation helps but when I hear their situation it just makes me mad. Once again, I felt like my life revolved around her. I would have given my life for hers if I could. It boggles my mind. I meant no ill will towards you, please dont take it like that. Men and women think so much differently. Its just interesting to me to hear what a woman has to say. If a woman posts, I see other women bashing men too. I just want to try to bridge the gap.

[Ronni_W]

I felt like my life revolved around her. I would have given my life for hers if I could.

My husband would have said the same thing...and I'm sure it would have been his truth.

What he did say was, "I'll do anything" and "I'll do everything" -- but it's not about saying stuff like that, it's about doing ONE thing.

 

The thing is, he only did things that HE liked to do, enjoyed doing...they may have been signs of his love but they did not fulfill what I need, want to feel loved. He was basically unwilling to make any real efforts to help make me feel how I wanted to in the marriage. He just did what was easiest on himself.

 

He is a lovely guy, would give the shirt off his back...just not for me. That's not my perception but the fact of it.

 

As for an earlier question you posed. Yes, when one gets to the end, one tends to focus on the "bad stuff"...it helps with emotional detachment and to make more sense of the pain, ugliness of the reality of it all.

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni w,

Can you clarify what you mean by doing things he wanted to do. I appreciate what you have to say. I know clearly I had something to do with it. I am not just blaming her.

[Tripz]

Lost Soul, I'm in exactly the same boat as you, but I do know that my wife has been/is still seeing another man. I, like you, felt my life revolved around her. What I didn't understand, until coming to this forum, was that she is, in fact, a WAW. As I go over events of the past 2-4 years, I am starting to see a pattern of her slowly trying to figure out how to get out. 4 years may be too long, but certainly 2-3. When my male friend (whom she is currently seeing) came back into town 2 years ago, that's when I can really see how she changed. I'm still not sure how long she would have gone on with the charade of "wife", as I was the one to come forward and become serious about our problem. It was then that she said she wanted a divorce and that our journey together of 25 years was over. I'm pretty certain she's felt nothing for me for many years, but I was too blind to see it. I actually would have listened had she simply said, "I'm leaving if something doesn't change". I'd have suggested counseling or something. I am totally flabbergasted, like you Lost Soul. I didn't see this coming and she's at the point where she really doesn't want to even discuss it. So I'm left trying to figure out timelines, events, things not said, things said, etc. It is enough to drive one crazy. So I'm simply learning to accept it, not think too much about it and focus on getting myself healthy mentally and physically. I actually went back to the gym today for the first time in about 60 days. Everyone asked where the hell I've been. It felt really good to be in a place that I AM accepted, missed and have folks that are concerned. I got two offers to go out this coming weekend and I'm damn sure going to take them up on it.

 

Moving on is proving to be the most difficult thing I've ever done and I spent 9 years in the military. That was NOTHING compared to this.

 

Perhaps, Lost Soulmate, you should try to focus as much of your energy towards you and not so much trying to figure every detail out. You'll probably never know everything anyway and perhaps someday, she'll actually want to sit you down and tell you. That's what I am hoping for. I understand you feel like you need that information for closure, but try to find another level of closure first. Then if you get those answers, you'll already be a lot further along in your new journey. This is what I keep telling myself, anyway. That some of those answers just simply aren't worth knowing, perhaps. I'll just be very conscious of how I treat anyone new that comes into my life. I think taking your spouse for granted is pretty high on most people's FAIL list. I know I did. She's an incredible woman, highly attractive, smart, spunky, etc. I still can't believe for most of my marriage, I didn't treat her like the queen she was. I won't make that mistake a 2nd time.

 

I wish you the best of luck LS, as you travel this very difficult road.

[Lost soulmate]

Tripz,

I am looking for closure, but I really just want to know how women feel about relationships. I read so much on here about lack of communication. I want to know how to communicate to help me in the future. You always hear the joke with women "well if you dont know i'm not going to tell you". Is it a joke though. It takes two to work at any relationship. I know this. What I truely want to find out is how and why the communication breaks down. People in long time relationships can grow apart. The problem that I have is a lot of the things she wanted are things i wanted too. I dont know where it stopped or why. This is not for me to get over her. As Ronni W had said "he was unwilling to make me feel like I wanted to in the marriage". Is it something that he knew or was it something that was just supposed to happen. This is something that I think if its talked about it would make a lot more people understand, not just me.

[Ronni_W]

Ronni w,

Can you clarify what you mean by doing things he wanted to do. I appreciate what you have to say. I know clearly I had something to do with it. I am not just blaming her.

No worries. I know that you're looking for answers, not some place to lay blame.

 

For example. He could spend four hours washing my car...spotless inside, outside, under the mats...but somehow could not bring himself to spend two hours with me watching a favourite movie of mine.

 

He could stay up till 1AM if a hockey match went triple overtime but if we were out dancing or doing something else that I really enjoy (which wasn't all that often, really) he could become coma-state exhausted by 11PM.

Frequently he would make a rather big deal about going dancing in the first place.

 

Nothing for me to become confrontational about. In fact, writing it feels kind of petty. That is, I know I'm not doing a very good job of explaining how these seemingly innocuous incidents can lead to divorce. (Feel free to ask more specific questions if it will help.)

It's that his underlying attitude towards me, his interest in wanting also to support me, share with me "my" stuff...that message does nothing for one's esteem within the relationship itself. Over the long term it can become debilitating, make one truly heartsick.

 

His helping "my" family through difficult times, or helping them move, paint their living room, whatever was appreciated by me...but it is not something that makes me feel loved, special, important in the way that I want to feel in my romantic relationship.

[Ronni_W]

You always hear the joke with women "well if you dont know i'm not going to tell you". Is it a joke though.

No, that's not a joke...that is a woman (or man) who is under the mistaken impression that their partner is a mind reader. It's ridiculous and not helpful and certainly won't help the person saying that to get their appropriate needs, desires met.

 

On the other side. For example, my husband knew I loved dancing. It is a fact about me that he knew and we used to go dancing very often prior our marriage. Then, somehow for some reason, he developed an allergy or total aversion to dancing. (Dancing being just one example. Sunday brunch, flowers or some other small yet significant romantic gesture for no reason.) He became emotionally lazy and selfish, ended up being NOT the man I fell in love with and married.

 

<edit> Oh. Where I was going with that is that it would have been SO meaningful if he just sometimes suggested for us to go dancing...rather than me having to say, ask. (If he didn't know by then, then I wasn't going to tell him (nag) about it.) </end edit>

 

It's not that the partner is "just supposed to know" but would know if they bothered to stay interested, observant, attentive, open to listening...and more importantly, remembering what has been said, demonstrated about likes, preferences AND dislikes, turn-offs.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Ronni_W

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni W,

I get what yoy are saying. I probably did some of that too. As far as me though, I always wanted us to work together as a team. I helped her get through school to start her career. You dont even know how many times I have seen "The Notebook". I enjoyed doing things with her and I thought her with me. She used to love photography, sometimes we would spend the whole weekend driving around to different places for her to take pictures. Like I said though, the last couple years were pretty rough for us. I am not trying to make excuses for myself, just want a better understanding. Also, you mentioned that he didnt make tou feel like you wanted to feel in the marriage. Is that something you ever told him or something that you felt should just happen?

[Ronni_W]

Also, you mentioned that he didnt make tou feel like you wanted to feel in the marriage. Is that something you ever told him or something that you felt should just happen?

Hhmmm. I know the answer but have to think how to put it succinctly.

 

I didn't have to tell him. It just happened naturally during our first few dates...or I never would have continued dating him to point of marriage...nor he, me. (Does that make sense?)

 

It's more that I never dreamed it would, could STOP happening. There were no signs that he was going to become complacent with my love, take my love and emotional presence for granted, become emotionally lazy and selfish...which all of this came to light only AFTER he...I don't know what the hell he thought our wedding day was all about. "Now I got her I can stop being the guy I pretended to be"??? I really don't know.

 

From my point of view, he didn't have to do anything special OTHER THAN be who he showed himself to be through our dating, courtship -- however, whatever, whenever he used to be and do through that period made me feel how I wanted to feel. I didn't need more than that...it's that I got...less and less of that, of the him that he used to be.

 

That sounds a bit...or maybe feels a bit of a rant. It's not intended to be. Well. It still pisses me off, I guess. I really don't know WTF he was thinking. (We were together six years before marriage...we knew each other. Then he stopped liking what he used to like, doing what he used to do...as far as the things that I liked and liked to do.)

 

Again, feel free to ask for clarity if you'd like.

 

Edit to add. It's not that we didn't have problems, issues, challenges during dating, living together. I wasn't look for 'perfect'...not by a long shot. Just the same stuff we had before getting married.

Also. I get that the dynamics in your marriage were different. This is just how things were for me. My husband was not as supportive, interested as you were (although he was moreso before marriage.)

Edited February 6, 2014 by Ronni_W

[Lost soulmate]

You know, hearing it from you it really does make more sense to me. I know I could have done more but honestly I kind of felt the same way in a sense. I felt like she also could have done more, but if I thought about it, I thought that was the natural progression of a marriage. Never really looked at it as a major problem. It felt like it went both ways. Maybe it did. Maybe thats what growing apart is. Its funny because some of the things she told me were things I wanted too. By then it was too late. I probably could have handled the break better. I tried everything to get her to stay, when it didnt happen I pushed her away. When you left was there any regret or was it relief?

[Ronni_W]

Lost soulmate,

It's the difference between (just) feeling and thinking and (actually) saying and doing, I guess. In general, we aren't taught emotional fluency, how to best ask for what we want and need, and communicate our complaints...and deal with others' complaints about us.

 

I am deeply saddened that my marriage ended. We separated in 1998 and, to be clear, I did initiate it. It will always make me sad. I regret that it didn't work out. In the end, it's that neither of us had the proper relationship skills...and our counsellor was not competent to help us.

 

I can't say there was any relief, as such. I've been in a happy 10-year relationship since, and am now in the happiest relationship that goes beyond anything I ever dreamed for myself. The end of my marriage, however, still is something that can make me sad.

 

I should like the natural progression of relationships to be expansive, inspirational, uplifting. But I do agree with you that most often it seems to go the other way. We can, we must keep striving to change that

[lkey]

I am about to be a WAW

- I have told him about my needs, I complained. When I did, we argued. So I started to do it softer. I need intimacy, more love making, talks (to communicate honestly and not just about house chores) - we all need this. he is very selfish sometimes. I made it clear: either this or I leave.

he pretends nothing happened after a talk. he refuses to talk more because he's sick of discussing things.

- I'm tired of it. and sick of it.

there are lots of problems here (from my job and carreer that he doesnt agree with, wanting to make kids but rarely love making, refusing to go sek clinics help when we both suffer from infertility etc). apparently, all is ok. we're a good couple, no fights, helps my family, and he says he is doing his best to make things work. BUT he really only does this in his head, ignoring all I'm saying and actually asking. this blindness will soon lead him into asking "everything was ok, I was doing my best - why is she wanting a divorce?". I will tell him and still, he won;t hear it!

 

Wow, I'm shocked at how similar this is to my situation. I honestly think something is wrong with him at times. On top of everything he had emotional affairs. For some reason he feels like he is really working on himself, we rarely make love and we never argue and when I talk (even softly and patiently) he ignores me and doesn't respond. So I became a WAW and told him I wanted a divorce. Although I don't know if I qualify bc he is also a cheater!

[melell]

I was a walk away. In my case I began listening to a couple of my male co-workers. No matter what my H said or did, they found a way to twist it around and make him look bad. And stupid me, I listened and daily got madder and madder and less happy with my marriage. There reached a point where I refused to listen to what ever my H had to say.

 

 

After reading your story, I suspect that your Ex might have a male co-worker that she was listening to. That in combination with her toxic friend, and you got both barrels blasting your marriage.

 

 

When my Ex caught me cheating, all I did was get madder at him, that is how far I was gone.

 

 

My wake up day, came about a month later when I saw him with another woman. And then it hit me that I was the worlds biggest fool.

 

 

It was too late.

 

Personally I think this story tells it all. It is like GIGS. We get an idea in our heads, find ways to justify it, start viewing it as a reality, then act upon it. We know there is a chance we could be wrong but we have spent all that time convincing ourselves (or being convinced) that what we are thinking is real, even factual.

 

Unfortunately it is usually only one narrow perspective, and once you act on it the damage is done.

I also don't think many people think back on it with regret, they continue to justify it, and convince themselves that they have done the right thing. And only really consider the small facets of the past that will suit their justifications. Denial is much more comfortable than regret.

 

I know there have been times where I have refused to look at the whole picture because only half the picture fits my logic, the other half would shatter it.

 

People are fickle.

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni W,

You have been very insightful. Although I wish she had given counseling a shot, you cant make anybody do anything. I know I will move on and find someone new and this lesson will not be forgotten. I appreciate you taking the time. If you weren't in a relationship I'd ask you to go dancing. : ) See I have learned something.

[Ronni_W]

If you weren't in a relationship I'd ask you to go dancing. : ) See I have learned something.

You are too lovely. Thanks for the invite...and for making me laugh. It's no problem for us to go dancing...we just can't have sex (with each other).

 

It occurred to me that I never talked about all the happy stuff in my marriage. Like it seems for you, we also had lots in common and did plenty of things together. Good times, huh?

 

I would suggest you check-out MarriageBuilders<dot>com. Incongruous as it may sound, there is a lot of self-knowledge to be gained on top of the relationship skills-building tools.

 

Again, I am sorry that your marriage didn't work out. I do wish you all happiness, health, desires fulfilled in the future.

[Lost soulmate]

Thank you, and my best to you as well.

[Tripz]

I also thank you Ronni. Your story and very articulate telling of it showed me exactly how I became and why my wife left me for another man. I really don't recall her actually taking to me directly about what her needs were. Perhaps she did and I didn't listen. Perhaps she wasn't sure exactly herself, but knew she wasn't getting it. What I do remember is her wanting to do things like we used to, and I always had an excuse why we should wait our not do it, etc. I also didn't do a good job of speaking her "love languages".

 

While I can't excuse the shear betrayal of her affair with my friend, I do own up that I share the larger portion of not fulfilling her needs. I should have memorized and applied daily the wisdom within the pages of "The 5 Love Languages".

 

Ronni, I'm certain, that if any man should read the last few pages of what you wrote and is honest with himself, he'll see some answers as to how and why his marriage ended.

 

Again, thank you! Very, very enlightening for me.

[2.50 a gallon]

L S

 

In college many decades ago, in my Psych class we covered stress and how they affect our mind and emotional stability. We were given a long list of life changing and non life changing events, and each one was given a number of points.

 

Such as death in the family 5 points, getting married 4 points, changing your name 2 points, (The instructor pointed out that when a man married he only collected 4 while a woman collected 6), moving 4 points, moving out of state 5 points, moving across country 6 points, traffic ticket 1 point, etc.

 

The idea was that when a person reached a number of something like 21 points in a month, 30 points over a two month period, etc. that in all likely hood that person would suffer from some sort of emotional and possibly a mental break down.

 

My marriage only lasted 6 months. Years later I refound that list and applied it to my failed marriage.

 

Graduated from college, got engaged, moved across country, moved away from her parent, started a new job, got married, changed her name, house hunting, a second move, changing of the season, loss of old friends, and a number of other triggers, put her way over the mark.

 

Five deaths, including her father in that short of a period, surely had something to do with her mental health.

Edited February 6, 2014 by 2.50 a gallon

[Ronni_W]

I also thank you Ronni.

Tripz,

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm always happy to know that I've helped especially in supporting self-knowledge, bringing clarity. I appreciate you for taking the time to express your appreciation...you supported me, helped me feel useful, special in a way, by your generous action.

 

It is quite possible that your wife did not have the best words to explain, describe -- even to herself -- her feelings at the time about what was missing that she needed to feel properly supported, appreciated, special. That certainly was the case for me. Lack of emotional fluency all around. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the 'emotional needs' as spelled out at MarriageBuilders was hugely important for me...only that it came too late for my marriage.

 

I am not a great supporter, admirer of 'The 5 Love Languages' or other such -- people are never just one thing or another. If I decide, for example, that you are "Type 4"...first of all, I may be wrong or basing it only one aspect of your personality or, worse, on my perception of who, how you are deep-down. Also, if I decide to only or mostly interact with you that way...it limits, prevents me from seeing you any other way and being present with you in any other way. Ugh. The thought makes me cringe.

 

I'd just as soon we say our in-the-moment feelings, concerns, complaints...with trust, confidence that our partner can hear and respond in-the-moment, without preconceived, potentially wrong ideas of how s/he "should" react or what s/he "should" say to placate or immediately 'fix' the issue.

 

Tripz, I am sorry for your experience. It all is difficult enough with such betrayal added to the mix. I can't even imagine. Big hugs.