Women who walked away, could I get your perspective?

[Lost soulmate]

Tripz,

Either way with me and my situation, affair, no affair, gigs, depression, I don’t want her back. I know even in the chance that it happened that once everything cooled down and got back to normal, all I could think about is the way she left and the timing of it. This for me it's not how to reconcile, this is for personal growth and how to avoid it happening again in the future. With your situation, your marriage is partly your fault but your friend is not a friend at all. I have married friends and would never think about doing that to them. If my XW had an affair I can accept that, in fact, to know would help me move on and get over it faster. If jt is depression, I have tried to ask her to go to grief counseling and marriage counseling and she will not go. I have done all I can and I know its time to move on.

[Ronni_W]

It has been 1.5 years of him being better and I still feel as miserable as I did on the day I told him how unhappy I was. I guess I don't know how to move forward or get over it. I think I just don't want to, as sad as it is.

cozy,

If you'll please indulge me, I'm going to argue with you on that last sentence.

There is SO much I could, would share with you but don't want to jack this thread. Please do feel free to 'private message' me, or direct me to your own post and I'll meet you there.

 

Hugs.

[Ronni_W]

If my XW had an affair ...<edited>... in fact, to know would help me move on and get over it faster.

Hey dance partner,

Have you entirely thought through that thought?

 

Why would knowing that she had an affair help you in any way? And if that is really the case, then just tell yourself that she did. We are in charge of what we decide to believe...so just choose whatever will help you the most. Seriously. That is a legitimate tool if one can properly utilize it.

I have done all I can and I know its time to move on.

Am I wrong or does THAT sound like the beginning of closure? (I'm holding off on starting celebrating until you confirm...or deny.)

[cozycottagelg]

I PMed you.

[Lost soulmate]

Cozy,

If thats the way you feel about it, there's nothing that I or anyone else can say. It is sad to see though. Like Ronni mentioned, if you could try to see him in a different light, try to look at the positives of what he is doing. He obviously loves you dearly, but maybe its too far gone. Its sad to see someone else have to endure what I am going through but you only have one life. Just remember one thing, you cant depend on someone else to be happy, you have to find happiness within yourself. Whatever decision you choose, I wish you the best

[cozycottagelg]

Cozy,

If thats the way you feel about it, there's nothing that I or anyone else can say. It is sad to see though. Like Ronni mentioned, if you could try to see him in a different light, try to look at the positives of what he is doing. He obviously loves you dearly, but maybe its too far gone. Its sad to see someone else have to endure what I am going through but you only have one life. Just remember one thing, you cant depend on someone else to be happy, you have to find happiness within yourself. Whatever decision you choose, I wish you the best

 

I agree completely. And I know a lot of this is on me. I do see his changes. I appreciate all that he does. I tell him that I do.

 

And it's funny you say that about being happy. I can be happy alone, I am sure of it. I think that's where part of my resentment comes in. He acts like he can't be happy without me. It's a lot of pressure and makes me feel horrible.

[Ronni_W]

Lost soulmate,

As I said in post #79...you are feeling something different, is that so? Stronger somehow or more resolved or certain about one or another thing or...something?

Or is it just my imagination that that is what's coming through in your more recent posts?

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni W,

I am starting to get closure. What I meant by the affair thing is that is something for me that would be unforgivable. If it was depression, I would hold on and try to get her help (for better or for worse) but you can't force sombody to do something they do not want to do. I have tried everything to avoid it. All I want and have ever wanted was her happiness. If she needs to be without me to find it, I will not stop her.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Lost soulmate

[Ronni_W]

What I meant by the affair thing is that is something for me that would be unforgivable.

Ah, okay. Thanks for clarifying.

 

Of course you are correct...at the end of the day, you cannot help her if she does not ask for and, or will not accept your help, and you also cannot take responsibility for her mental health (or anything else) if she will not act on her own behalf, in her own best interest.

 

It's tough sometimes, humbling, to have to face our own helplessness, human limitations, lack of 'power' over others however well-intentioned we'd use it. In such cases, I usually just end up leaving it in the lap of the other person's creator or higher power or whatever name one chooses to give to that force.

 

Lost soulmate, you sound like a terrific and caring person. If you will accept it from me, all I want for you is YOUR happiness...and I invite you to share in this desire with me. It's perfectly acceptable, appropriate to make YOU your highest priority

 

Thank you for your courage and gentleness and warmth. It's nice.

[Tripz]

LS, something really strange happened today and because of the timing, I'm wondering what folks think. I'd start a new post, but since this one has kind of become question answer session for several of us (Thanks again LS for starting it) I'll just post here.

 

At 11AM today, I had to go to my son's school for a "5 year" meeting. He's in the 8th grade and they want to begin career choice directions for high school classes. Anyway, I got there, they called out my son from class and my wife showed up on time, too. I noticed when she sat down at the table, she had a manila envelope. I recognized it was her copy to sign of the divorce document, as I got my own already filed copies yesterday, via mail. She didn't say anything about it, but I thought maybe she brought them to discuss with me after our meeting with the school. She actually works at the school, herself, (she's a para-educator)so when the meeting was over, she said something about having to get going to her class. She followed my son and didn't really look at me and didn't say goodbye. Still thinking she had brought the paperwork to discuss, I said, "Do you want to talk about that paperwork?" She turned and said, "Well not right now, my break is over and I have to get to class" and she turned and left. I thought that was weird, but fine. I get back to my office at work at about 11:20AM.

 

At 11:29, she texts me saying, "Sorry, lunch was over. Haven't had a chance to look over papers yet."

 

I reply, "No, that's okay. I just assumed because you had it, you maybe had some questions or something for me right there. I got copies of mine yesterday, so I didn't even know if you'd gotten yours yet".

 

Keep in mind, she moved out last Saturday and I agreed to allow my son to start his week with her on Sunday. I haven't heard from her at all, via text or phone the whole week, which has also allowed me to implement NC myself. So this is really the first communication we've had.

 

Well, she didn't reply to my text right away, which has been normal for her lately anyway. I blew it off since I said what I needed to say and trying to not have any communication with her other than business at hand.

 

At 1:29PM she texts me a picture. It's a meme of a coffee table with a hidden gun drawer on the side. Caption says "Best Coffee Table Ever....I Think Yes". I can't remember the last time she sent me a funny or interesting picture. Certainly not since this whole divorce fiasco started back in early Dec. She knows I like guns, but unless she meant that text for someone else....? She doesn't know anyone that would appreciate that picture. It had to be intentional. She didn't text any explanation with it, so I'm left wondering what that means.

 

I did text back saying, "Wow! I want one". She hasn't texted anything since. The thought that I have and why I even posted this, is...I wonder if she looked at the divorce papers and is having a regret moment, like I've read on here, happens a lot. For a long time since all this started, I've had the most difficult time reading her and this is no different. If it's not a regret moment and she simply saw something that she knew I'd appreciate, then it's still out of character for how she has been treating me lately. She implemented her own form of NC, more like distancing herself from me, after we had our divorce talk the first time. She even said at one point, "I'm not looking to console you, but actually distance myself from you, sorry". THis was during my initial "begging and pleading" phases early on. And for the most part, she's continued that stance. Barely talking about anything unless I absolutely corner her on stuff. Then she's cold and to the point, ready to end the conversation as soon as she can. This is even on important stuff like arranging the divorce and settlement issues. The only time she came out of her sheel or lowered her walls was when we told our son and when I helped her move out. She was actually friendly the last night of the move and I had stayed to help get her new TV hooked up to cable and the modem talking to her laptop. She even offered me dinner to which I declined. I had yet to discover loveshack, but already naturally was heading towards my own form of NC.

 

So what do you folks think? It seems pretty out of place, at this juncture, for her to be including me in friendly, funny pic swapping? Could this be one of those regret deals since the reality of what is about to happen is staring her literally in the face? Or her simply realizing that being nice to me serves me, our son and herself much better than alienating me from her life? I just don't know what to make of it.

 

I really want to text her about the paperwork she got, because there are a couple of little deviations, that on the surface might appear weird, but are simply legal jargon. I'm used to it since, I did all of the research on Dissolution paperwork, even before I hired a lawyer. But I don't think she has ever even seen the actual layout or how information is written. It could be a tad intimidating the first time. I just want to text her and say something about that. But NC is NC, right?

Edited February 7, 2014 by Tripz

[Ronni_W]

Could this be one of those regret deals since the reality of what is about to happen is staring her literally in the face? Or her simply realizing that being nice to me serves me, our son and herself much better than alienating me from her life?

Absolutely, definitely one of those two things. You can't allow yourself to start making yourself crazy right now. It is one of those two things. Just leave it at that. If your mind tries to take you there, again, give it a good lashing with a whip or cane.

I really want to text her about the paperwork she got

Yep...that's exactly where my mind went before I even read that you wrote it: "How can Tripz turn this into a non-committal yet friendly point of contact?"

 

But you're going to need patience, young man!

 

If there isn't anything else from her by Monday, then text her around lunchtime. Something like, "Just following up from lunch interrupted last Thursday. There could be some items in the papers that we might as well make sure is what we wanted. Let me know if you feel the same."

 

Something like that. On Monday. I pro'ly don't need to add, but don't do any form of "I'm thinking I know the legal jargon better than you do...and you're a girl so you might get intimated by the legal formatting" to her -- I totally get what you're saying to us, but I just want to point out how else it can sound.

[Tripz]

Thanks Ronni, that's actually how I had already planned to handle it. Just wait until she contacts me, if at all. I have to trust that she knows, that what we have already agreed upon, is what is in the document. Being patient has been one of the hardest things during all of this.

[Ronni_W]

Tripz,

Yes, she's a big girl...she either understands the documents or will find a resource to help with her understanding.

I wouldn't wait altogether, though. Just until Monday. I was thinking more about it, and would try to communicate in statements rather than questions.

 

It sucks, I know. Hope springs eternal...which in and of itself really ought not be such a bad thing. And yet it's also wise to be cautious, very cautious sometimes.

 

I am, of course, hoping that you'll ultimately have the outcome that will bring the greatest amount of joy, happiness, pleasure.

[Lost soulmate]

Tripz,

I feel your pain, I really do. Please don't read in too much on what she is doing. My XW tried to laugh and joke with me and tell me about what was going on with her family right before we signed divorce papers. Stick to the 180. If for any reason she changes her mind, she should have to work for it. I dont want to be the negative one here but you might be reaching for anything to grasp to. Believe me, I did the same thing. In your head it has to be over with. The NC is to help you it is not a magic spell to get her back. It probably works for some, but you truely have to let go. "If you love her, let her go. If she comes back, shes yours". Grasping will just make you crazy and will prolong your misery. Move on, and I mean truely move on, for yourself. Read this thread over and over, listen to what Ronni and cozy have said. It has helped me so much because I know I have to let go. Sorry if this offends it is not meant to

[Lost soulmate]

Ronni W,

I cannot thank you enough for your honesty and insight on this matter. I have had, and probanly will still have, many questions that you have answered. I know it will take a lot of time for me to get over this. I have ups and downs every day. What you have enlightened me on will last a lifetime. I know that from this day forward, I will never take what i have for granted. I have also learned that it takes two to make it work. I feel in a way she might have took me for granted as well. When this happened to me, I felt a tremendous loss. Seeing the other side of the coin, I know she felt it too but in a different way. If I could have taken it all back I would. I even went out to dinner for the first time tonight by myself. I must say it was nice to go without the usual "where do you want to go? "I dont know, where do you want to go?" That used to drive me crazy. There was a time I would have never gone to a restaurant by myself, but it wasn't too bad. I even enjoyed it. I am going to use this opportunity to find the part of me that was lost. Thanks again, I still might have more questions as this progresses.

[Ronni_W]

:bunny:

 

Lost soulmate,

I'm so excited for you! Solo dining when one is not used to it is a HUGE show of courage and confidence and all good things. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I know it's not for me to be proud of you, but I am proud of you in any event.

 

Yes it takes time, and it's also okay if there's always a small bruise. Once I accepted that is the way it is going to be for me, it got that much easier.

 

Thank you for your kind words. It humbles me, really. I'm glad that I could help. It really is my pleasure.

 

When you get 'private message' privileges, do feel free to contact me. (I *think* it's three months or 50 or maybe 100 posts, whichever comes first.)

 

If I could have taken it all back I would.

I know, Lost soulmate, I know. I think no matter what side of the matter one was on, every kindhearted, reasonable person would feel the same way.

 

Much love.

[NYWoman]

Yes it was a co-worker

[Lost soulmate]

NY Woman,

How did it work out for you? Not being sarcastic, I'm truely interested.

[NYWoman]

See my post in the Marriage section under karma

[Tripz]

See my post in the Marriage section under karma

I found your post in that thread. Wow, NYW...Don't even know what to say. I'm only 65 days in since my divorce discussion, paperwork is on the verge of being completed and I'm already having thoughts of leaving this town. Just the thought of seeing her "happy" or even just around town brings up emotions I'm not sure I can ever reconcile. I can't really imagine 30 years down the road from now. I can say this, Karma has nothing to do with it, at least not how I believe. It's just simply one of those sucky things that happens in life.

[Lost soulmate]

Tripz,

I'm sorry if what I said the other night seemed harsh, but I though it needed to be said. I am in the same boat as you are with this situation. What I said to you was said to me, in my case it was said by a friend and it seemed harder. Once i swallowed that reality pill i beleive the healing began. I do want to tell you though there is light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on making yourself a better person. Do it for you. Do it for your kid. I believe in your case and mine, its probably some love loss, but I think it has a lot to do with respect lost. Respect is something that has to be earned to get it back. If I or any other person on this site new everything, we probably never would have made here.