What I've learned after being left for someone else.

[HeartinPain]

This is my first love and the heartbreak I experienced has been a pain I never imagined to ever experience.

 

I am sure everyone has read it a million times on LS, but the best advice is to LEAVE THEM ALONE. Go NC immediately and heal yourself. Any begging or pleading really does NOT change their mind no matter how much you think your situation is "different." I admit, I made the mistake of begging after I found out the real reason he broke up with me. After I realized there was no changing his mind, I went NC for a month. It was incredibly hard. I reconnected to test the waters because I was delusional and wanted to torture myself. He gave me hope and strung me along for a month and a half. He would tell me words I wanted to hear with NO action behind it. He would always say he was "confused." Now, I see he was confused because he had no intent on breaking up with her.

 

When they are still in their 'honeymoon period,' there is no getting through to them. This is why everyone says to LET GO AND MOVE ON. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do. He was looking for something better and decided to jump the fence to "greener grass" rather than communicate with me and try to fix our relationship.

 

If I can do it all over again, I would have saved myself the continuous self torture and just went NC immediately after. It has been the most difficult and painful months I have ever experienced. However, I promise you that it does get better. I am nearly 3 months NC and 6 months post BU. I feel a lot better now. I have accepted that the relationship is completely over and clearly see what kind of person he really is. It is scary to have to start over, but I rather start over now than have ended up with someone who would have left me for someone else later. I still do think about him everyday, but the frequency has decreased significantly. I feel sad and disappointed at how the relationship ended and what kind of person he has turned into. I am still not over it and have set backs, but I know its a process and I am focusing on my healing.

 

Focus on yourself. I know you feel broken now, but with self reflection you will become stronger from this. Be happy, confident and positive! Fake it, even if you aren't! Smile even though you are hurting inside. No one wants to be around a depressing unhappy person.

 

A person who leaves you for someone else does not love you. They made you an option while they go pursue others. Why do you want to be someone's backup plan? I want to be with someone who makes me their #1. In regards to second chances.. I so badly wanted a second chance 2-3 months post BU. I was emotional and willing to take back a cheat who stomped on my heart. Once you see clearly, you will realize that trust after a situation like that is very difficult to recover from.

 

Honestly, I do not know if he will ever contact me or if he is still blissfully happy with his new GF. I tell myself he probably doesn't think of me. I continue to walk forward on my newly paved road a stronger and better person.

Edited February 5, 2014 by HeartinPain

[hea]

My ex left me for someone else. And as I always hoped, came back a year later. I took him back, and It was not the same. The happiness you had when you were first with them is tainted with all the hurt.

[HeartinPain]

My ex left me for someone else. And as I always hoped, came back a year later. I took him back, and It was not the same. The happiness you had when you were first with them is tainted with all the hurt.

 

How long were you both initially together? How long did you go NC before he initiated contact? How long did his relationship last ? Did he spent some time alone before he initiated contact with you? How long did the second try at the relationship last?

 

Sorry I have so many questions!

[hea]

We were together for just over two years. He started dating her two weeks after we split (he worked with her and was texting her whilst we were together).

 

I was mature about the break up and told him if he was happy then I was happy. I stopped speaking to him three months after we split and then had NC for 9 months. Deleted him off fb.

 

After 9months he added me as a friend and I sent him a message seeing how he was. Two weeks later (on Xmas day) he messaged me telling me he still loved me and was scared of commitment, so went with the first girl he knew and that was why. Bearing in mind he was still with her at this point! I told him I wasn't going to speak to him until he sorted the relationship with her out. So he was with her for nearly a year.

 

We got back together and it lasted 10 months. He split with me again because this time he said he was no longer attracted to me. (I think there was more issues however and this was just a bail out).

 

Don't worry, ask away! Although all relationships have different endings. I would recommend to accept that he's not coming back. And if he does it's a bonus. I'm glad I have it another shot because I'm not heart broken this time round as I gave it my all the second time and if he is not happy with that then it's his problem not mine.

 

Even after he split with me the second time, he still told me he loved me, and doesn't understand why we didn't work. I'm still his friend although I think he want to be close friends where I would prefer just the how are you once ever six months haha!

[flightplan]

Let me tell you from someone who's been around the block a couple of times... if this is your first love, you're probably young. If so, what you wrote contains a lot of maturity and will serve you well throughout your life. You hit the nail on the head. Sure, it hurts, but you did the right thing. When I was dumped, the one thing I wish I could do over was to simply say ok and hang up the phone. I wish I hadn't begged. I cringe when I think about it now. I hope I never go through it again, but if I do, I'll simply tell them ok, if this is what you want, goodbye.. and hang up the phone.

[mantlefan]

Thank you for posting this. I am in a better place that I was right after the breakup, but I still have a long road ahead. What matters is that I am further down the road than where I started.

 

 

I have the same feelings you do about what I would do if I could do it all over again. I hope someone comes on here who is thinking of breaking NC and can learn from us.

[HeartinPain]

I am in my early 30s. We were together for 15 years. We were planning to get married in the coming year. Our relationship did get stale and very comfortable. Once he started his new job, he left me for his coworker a month and a half after.

 

 

After 9months he added me as a friend and I sent him a message seeing how he was. Two weeks later (on Xmas day) he messaged me telling me he still loved me and was scared of commitment, so went with the first girl he knew and that was why. Bearing in mind he was still with her at this point! I told him I wasn't going to speak to him until he sorted the relationship with her out. So he was with her for nearly a year.

 

We got back together and it lasted 10 months. He split with me again because this time he said he was no longer attracted to me. (I think there was more issues however and this was just a bail out).

 

I rarely FB and haven't deleted him yet. When I do look at his page, he hasn't put any pictures of him and his new gf. But, when we were together, I felt he hid me from the public as well which played into my insecurities. Part of me is waiting for a picture of them together to be put on his FB and I will be able to delete him. Oddly, his mom did request me recently. She played both sides of the BU and I am not sure why after all this time she would request me. Nosey maybe?

 

Did he have any space between the new girl and you to be able to grieve either relationship? He seems to have just swung branches back and forth and didn't have a chance to be alone and figure himself out. How were you able to get over the resentment of him hurting you and knowing he was with someone else? The trust is completely gone! How were you even able to trust him when he worked with her!?

 

When we spoke 2 months post BU, it was something that I thought long and hard about and I felt I could get over it with a lot of work. When he strung me along for 1.5 months, I told him by the time he makes a decision it will be too late if he doesn't make one soon. He never called me back.. his decision was loud and clear.

At 5.5 months post BU, I feel its an issue I will not be able to let go which is what drives me to not have any reason to contact him. Now, its too late and I have nothing to say to him.

[hea]

Started new job, left for co worker - sounds all to familiar!

 

No he had no break whatsoever. From me to her, then her to me. He is single now (I think) and it's what he needs.

 

When we got back together it was really really difficult for me. She'd been in his house, in his bed, he had cuddled her watching films on his sofa. And I found it really hard to get past it. We are both no good at talking about issues and instead just swept them under the carpet like it didn't happen. And even though I wanted to talk about it, and how much he had hurt me, I also wanted to just forget about it and make it work. But there was obviously underlying issues which ultimately lead to our second end.

 

By the time we got back together she no longer work with him. I think if she had I would have told him to find another job.

 

It's good that you have nothing to say to him. I know you had been with him a long time, but the pain is still the same. Like you want to curl up in a ball and just stay there crying forever.... But you can't. I know I shouldn't say this as any hope at this stage is the worst thing ever!!! But... The one thing I found work best in getting his attention again is success. I got a new job, did a skydive, refreshed my look, went out with friends and made new ones and had fun. I think him seeing me (through friends) having a great life without him must have made him think he was missing out on something. He is now too by the way. He might of split up with me yet again but it isn't me who lost out.

 

Not knowing what he's doing now, and not wanting to know is a great gift for me. I can finally accept that he has gone and is no longer apart of my life. I love him and always will, and I will always want the best for him. He was my best friend and I know people cannot change the way they feel. It's not their fault or ours for that matter.

 

Heartbreak is horrible, but one guarantee is that you do get over it. Everyone who has ever gone through it will say the same.

 

I think you should delete him of fb as soon as you can. Seeing a picture of him and her is the worst feeling ever.

[Petunia20]

Thank you for posting this. I am in a better place that I was right after the breakup, but I still have a long road ahead. What matters is that I am further down the road than where I started.

 

 

I have the same feelings you do about what I would do if I could do it all over again. I hope someone comes on here who is thinking of breaking NC and can learn from us.

I have been on this website on and off for about 6 months. NC for 7 months now. My cousin is flying out to my ex's city this weekend. I had asked her to stop by his work and "bump" into him to see if he had anything to say. After reading this thread I decided against it. He is with her still and I realized that I have to let him live the life he has chosen for himself. I will not come in between them nor will I test the waters to make sure he still doesnt want me lol Thank you all for changing my mind. Operation "bump into him" has been aborted lol

[Sugarkane]

I have been on this website on and off for about 6 months. NC for 7 months now. My cousin is flying out to my ex's city this weekend. I had asked her to stop by his work and "bump" into him to see if he had anything to say. After reading this thread I decided against it. He is with her still and I realized that I have to let him live the life he has chosen for himself. I will not come in between them nor will I test the waters to make sure he still doesnt want me lol Thank you all for changing my mind. Operation "bump into him" has been aborted lol

 

Good for you. Otherwise you'll have to hear about how happy he is still, with her. Puke!