Feels like I'm losing my mind

[Ruthie411]

We have been together for 4 yrs and married for 3. Known him since I was 19 and we starting dating at 23. I never wanted anything serious with him because I have never had a serious relationship and he wasn't the type of guy I usually dated. I've always been a loner, lived alone since I was 17. His bigger than life personality and social life really attracted me. Though I didn't want to date him, I said yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend; I was afraid to lose him as a friend.

 

Within 3 weeks of us dating he lost his job and his mother kicked him out. His friends couldn't helped him out and he didn't have any place to go. I feel bad for him, so I told him he could stayed with me until he got back on his feet, well he moved in and never tried to move. I was not used to living with a man and though he was loving and sweet, I just felt he was invading my private space. For a while I tried to break up with him many times but he used to cried and I just felt awful, so I stayed with him. After 5 months I learned to love him. We were happy for this time, though we had many differences. He became my best friend and my first love. I was truly happy, life was beautiful.

 

After one and a half years of living together, his mother said they were going to get deported and that if I really loved him I would help him out by marrying him. Marriage was far from my mind, I was happy the way things were. I didn't want him to get deported, so we got married.

 

As soon as we got married our relationship started falling apart. He felt trapped, said I was too controlling and I just became depressed and gained a lot of weight. After a year of us being married, he became distant and pushed me aside. Started going out often, drinking and coming home late and sometimes not coming for days. He said his feelings toward me changed, that I changed and that I tried to changed him. Said he was wanted to find himself, fixed his life and just be happy. Told me I wasn't ambitious and that I didn't pushed him or motivated him to be better. Said I was going nowhere in life because I settled and that he needed someone more driven. He also said I was selfish because I didn't helped fix his illegal status. Mind you, we were going to apply for his green card just a few days before he didn't come home for 2 days and started his talk of being confused and such. During this time I found out he was seeing a co-worker. I was devastated, couldn't take this treatment so I filed for divorce. I lost weight and started going out. After almost 4 months of this behavior he said he was sorry, begging for a second chance and that he loved me and wanted to fight for our marriage. I gave in because I loved my husband. But what happened caused me to not trust him and he also broke my heart.

 

After the reconciliation things were calm. We did tried to get along and fixed things. We also tried for a baby. After a year of trying we found out I was infertile. This destroyed me and made me more depressed. I felt like a failure as a woman and a wife. He was supportive but I knew he was disappointed because he have always wanted to be a dad. A few months after he started going out until late and drinking more. Whenever he used to come home drunk he always wanted to have sex, saying he was going to get me pregnant. His going out and my frustration caused us to fight and we fought often. I didn't trust him and became possessive and said many things in the heat of the moment I deeply regret. I started sleeping in the guest room, something he didn't like. We were having problems but we always seem to get back together. This passed Christmas he said how much he loved me and how we were going to be together forever. But by New Year's Eve he was cold and distant and a few days after I asked him if he love me but he didn't answer he just gave me a sad look and said he didn't know. This broke my heart because he didn't have to say it, I saw it on his face, the sparked he once have when he looked at me before wasn't there. I told him that it'd be better if we get a divorce but he said he didn't want that, not yet. He told me again that he wasn't happy and that he felt I didn't help him better himself. That we were stuck and he needs to fix himself.

 

I cried and begged and kicked and screamed that first week. I wanted to try everything but he didn't want to, saying he just needed to better himself and be happy. I was desperate to try anything but he seem to be detached from it all. I felt so guilty, blamed myself for this. Maybe if I was nicer or skinnier or maybe if I had fixed his status. But nothing worked he was set on leaving. Then I noticed he was being secretive with his phone, even putting a pass code on it, all the behavior he had when he was having his affair previously. He denied it but I saw the texts he was sending to another one of his co-workers and it was very flirtatious and he was sending her pics to his friends saying he was "****ing around" with this girl. He again denied this and said I'm crazy and need to mind my own business. So I told him to move out ASAP, wasn't going to be taken for a fool yet again. He says he's moving when he saves the money to rent an apt but I just can't deal with all his lies and him constantly texting that girl. God maybe I am crazy!

 

When I realized he was doing this again: the I love you but not in love with you mess and talking to someone else, I decided to focus all that energy on me. I started dressing up and doing my hair, going out with friends. It felt so good to go out and be wanted by other men, I'm not as ugly as how he makes me feel. I'm only 27 and I feel old and rejected. As soon as I'm feeling a bit good about myself he starts being nice and saying he loves me and maybe we just need a break and we can start all over again. He's all over me and saying he wants to take me out on dates. I feel he's just playing mind games.

 

Last night we had a fight in which I told him to leave again, he said he will but that he's taking the dog because he can't see himself living without the dog. He got pretty nasty, like I was seeing this mean, cruel person for the first time. I was really hurt that although I tried to be strong couldn't hold back my tears. I was crying and he calmed down and said he didn't want us to end up like that and that he was sorry for hurting me. Said that he loves me and that I will always be his one and only but that he needs to find himself and be happy because right now he's not happy where he is in life. Then he hugged me and kissed me, he wanted to have sex but we didn't. One time he's cold and mean and the next he's nice; saying he loves me still

 

I'm so confused and lost. I love him to the moon and back but maybe we're not meant to be together. I feel like I'm drowning, want to

save my marriage if there's anything left worth saving but I also feel I need to breath and also find what makes me happy. He wants to remain friends but I want no contact. It hurts a lot, this is my first love and it was a huge mess. Feel like such a failure and like I'm not worth fighting for.

[oldshirt]

Between this post and your other post I see no way to obtain the peace and stability you want with this man. You may "love" him but love is just a feeling. You two don't really get along that we'll or functional well together as a couple.

 

You never have. So why do you think one day he is just going to miraculously change into someone else???? There is no magic wand that changes guys from flakey unemployed, illegal immigrants that treat you with disregard and disrespect into successful, responsible guys that treat you well.

 

Kissing frogs and having them turn into Prince Charming is a fairy tale. In the real world if you want a guy that is responsible, successful, respectfully, loving etc you have to find one that is already all those things. You can't conjure them out of a pile of clay.

 

He has no leadership, competence or responsibility. Hoping he will somehow provide you with a life of stability, security and happiness is the very definition of crazy. You are going to have to make those things happen on your own....without him.

 

He can't be changed. You can't turn him into someone or something else. You can only take charge of your own life.

[TrappedWanderer]

First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There are some similarities with my own story-I was independent, started out as friends, grew to love (very much so), and then all went down hill after we got married (we also basically had to, due to immigration reasons-no room to "just be" without that).

 

Honestly, I think you need to get out. Get some distance, at the very least. Sounds like multiple things are causing stress on you both and staying where you're at is only going to intensify them. You both need different things right now. Maybe you need different things in the long run, maybe not. But right now, you are in a toxic situation and you need to get yourself out. Talk to friends, family...hell, strangers. I know for me that was hard to do-still is-but everytime I've let someone know the situation (not all the gory details, just the basics) I've felt empowered. And encouraged to do something about it.

 

It's hard, but don't look at the big picture, the long run-right now, that's too overwhelming. Just take a step-you're in a bad situation that won't change until you make it change, by getting some space. You can do this...it's a rocky road ahead, not going to lie, but isn't anything better than being stuck in this horrible cycle of mistrust and lies?

 

Go to a friends house, family members...anywhere that is "safe" where you can take some time, have some space, and get some clarity.

 

Good luck!

[Yarrow]

Ugh! This guy's a piece of work. Kick him out. His illegal status is still not fixed?Report him to Border Services and have him deported. You'll feel better.