Searching for some insight on how to overcome a lifelong personal issue

[ECGuy]

DISCLAIMER: This is a REALLLLY long post so if you're still interested in helping me, please read.

 

 

When I was 14-15 years old, I first looked in the mirror and was able to assess my image, and I did not think I was an attractive guy. I went through life with absolutely no self-built confidence in my appearance. So who built it? Other women. My confidence was like blocks of Jenga with each block representing a woman's assessment on my appearance. If a woman said I was good looking/attractive/"her type", it would build up. But whenever I encounter ANY woman who does NOT find me attractive, hell even if she says that "I'm cute but not her type", it's as if someone took the bottom-most block and the entire structure crumbles. It would sting me for a few days and my self-esteem is shot. It's as if all the other compliments didn't matter, and my mind starts feeding me negative thoughts as "they just pay the compliment to be nice...they're not honest with me about my looks".

 

It gets worse, my lack of confidence in my appearance spills over into my relationships/dates. For example, on first dates, I would put the woman on the spot and ask if she found me physically attractive. If she pauses before answering, I would say no, if she said yes I would probably think she's lying. So what drives me to be this crazy? Part of it is pride/ego; I want to date someone that finds me physically attractive, I don't want to be the guy that women would tell other men in the future that "yeah, he's not my type but his personality made him attractive to me." So yes, my exes have made complaints to either me or my best female friend that it really irritates them when I show this lack of confidence in my appearance. But I just can't help but think of the women who've told me I was not attractive in the past. I can't get them off my mind. I remember every single one of them.

 

Because of this I am scared of using online dating and approaching women in real life. I have been just only interested in being set up because I know the woman that agrees to meet with me is already attracted to me. I don't want to get rejected then have it sting for a few days and be forced to fish for compliments to build my confidence. My best female friend have tried in the past to help me at first through enabling me by feeding me other women's compliments through her personal inquiry/experiences but now she's at her wits end. Her and her friends tell me I'm being ridiculous saying things like that "I'm a good looking guy, I should have no trouble finding women, the only reason I have trouble is because I have no confidence" But I always felt that if I was really good looking, then I wouldn't have had women in my life tell me that "I'm cute but not their type", I would't have women tell me I'm not their type period. If I was good looking, how come I don't get approached by women when I go to a bar/club but I hear stories of some guys that do. I've said this to them and they tell me that it's all on the "vibes" men give off and I somehow give off this "don't talk to me vibe" and that "I don't look approachable and have no confidence" I'd like to believe them but I really think it's because of my appearance.

 

I realize I am 30 something years old and I need to change otherwise I'm going to either be single for long periods of time or I'm just going to destroy my relationships with women. I really need some insight on how to fix this problem. I know I've written A LOT but this is something I've been wanting to vent for the past 20 something years and I just wanted to get it off my chest.

 

Let me know your thoughts on how I can overcome this? I feel the best way is to engage me and ask questions and I will tell you how my brain works and you can understand the issue more clearly. Thanks!

[Priv]

I feel for you, but I don't think any reply on LS is going to help you.

 

I am no clinical psychologist but I think you have more underlying issues than just low self esteem. Your fixating on how people percieve your looks, and crushed when someone does not find you attractive. You can't be all things to all people/women, even when looking like Brad Pitt.

 

It's not just self esteem, just judging from your thread you derive your whole self image from how women (any and all) percieve you. There is a fair amount of social anxiety in it as well. And you have been living with this for 20 years. Why not choose for yourself and go into counselling. Get a referral and a good psychologist to help you and turn this whole thing around.

 

On the bright side, you have exes, thus have had relationships. They must have found you attractive. In the end you only need one to find you attractive

[Scales]

Do not listen to what people say, watch what they do. You gaining confidence from others words is kind of silly. You are using them as a weak bandaid over your massive hole of no confidence based on how they actually treat you. Rejection sucks. Do not let rejection identify who you are. You are basing your confidence off of other people and what they say, when you should be confident in something else: like your accomplishments.

 

If you have no accomplishments, nothing to brag about, and no skills then stop worrying about women. Go win something. Go pass a test. Then go back and see if what they say really matters. Confidence has to be rooted in ourselves in order to be strong and consistent.

[HokeyReligions]

Please tell me one thing you like about your body. Not something others have said they like and you agree but something you genuinly like. Something you maybe have never admitted to because you sre a little embarrassed.

 

I'll give you my example. I like the shape and color of my eyes.

[HofbrauBock]

Woah, take is easy man. Being denied is a part of life. Some women are into you and some aren't, that's just the way it is.

 

 

There are plenty of times that I find some girl to being smoking hot, I am talking insta-boner, 10/10. I'll talk to my buddies about it and half the time they are like "Eh, she's alright I guess. Decent enough." Sometimes they aren't into her in the least bit and they are surprised by my attraction/interest in them. I find myself on the other end as well when my friends are talking about someone in particular. This applies to women as well, I would imagine. Yes, there are some very attractive people out there who most of the opposite sex might find appealing, but for the rest of us, we are on/off, hot/not, etc.

 

 

Thinking of some of my buddies in my mind right now...one loves fat chicks...one loves tall chicks...and one loves skinny chicks. None of which I am particularly fond of. I personally find shorter girls to be attractive and I like more full figured women (Somewhere in between fat and skinny lol). Think about all of the different traits and qualities people have. What appeals to you? Women are the same. Everyone is into some things and not into others.

 

 

I regards to your "yeah, he's not my type but his personality made him attractive to me." DO NOT BE ASHAMED BUDDY. I once worked with a woman who I had 0 interest in. She wasn't ugly, I just wasn't taking second looks. I worked with her a lot and got to know her well. One day, no joke, she was ****ing hot as all hell. It was the strangest phenomenon. I was blown away that I had never recognized her beauty before. We had great chemistry and the attraction was mutual no doubt, but she had a boyfriend. So for the rest of the time that I worked there I had a huge thing for her and just thought, well maybe one day something will happen. Point is, it's not a piety thing or a mercy thing, it's just that sometimes attraction takes time. Think about it. Hasn't there ever been a girl that became more attractive to you as you got to know her, to some degree at least?

 

 

How is your confidence in other aspects of your life?

[potsticker]

didn't you, like, just post this in the other section? ...

[ECGuy]

Please tell me one thing you like about your body. Not something others have said they like and you agree but something you genuinly like. Something you maybe have never admitted to because you sre a little embarrassed.

 

I'll give you my example. I like the shape and color of my eyes.

 

I also like my eyes and the fact that I have a babyface and can't age which is nice.

[ECGuy]

Woah, take is easy man. Being denied is a part of life. Some women are into you and some aren't, that's just the way it is.

 

 

There are plenty of times that I find some girl to being smoking hot, I am talking insta-boner, 10/10. I'll talk to my buddies about it and half the time they are like "Eh, she's alright I guess. Decent enough." Sometimes they aren't into her in the least bit and they are surprised by my attraction/interest in them. I find myself on the other end as well when my friends are talking about someone in particular. This applies to women as well, I would imagine. Yes, there are some very attractive people out there who most of the opposite sex might find appealing, but for the rest of us, we are on/off, hot/not, etc.

 

 

Thinking of some of my buddies in my mind right now...one loves fat chicks...one loves tall chicks...and one loves skinny chicks. None of which I am particularly fond of. I personally find shorter girls to be attractive and I like more full figured women (Somewhere in between fat and skinny lol). Think about all of the different traits and qualities people have. What appeals to you? Women are the same. Everyone is into some things and not into others.

 

 

I regards to your "yeah, he's not my type but his personality made him attractive to me." DO NOT BE ASHAMED BUDDY. I once worked with a woman who I had 0 interest in. She wasn't ugly, I just wasn't taking second looks. I worked with her a lot and got to know her well. One day, no joke, she was ****ing hot as all hell. It was the strangest phenomenon. I was blown away that I had never recognized her beauty before. We had great chemistry and the attraction was mutual no doubt, but she had a boyfriend. So for the rest of the time that I worked there I had a huge thing for her and just thought, well maybe one day something will happen. Point is, it's not a piety thing or a mercy thing, it's just that sometimes attraction takes time. Think about it. Hasn't there ever been a girl that became more attractive to you as you got to know her, to some degree at least?

 

 

How is your confidence in other aspects of your life?

 

In regards to finding women attractive over time, yeah it's happened to me once or twice. For me it's a little bit of the ego thing, if I want to date someone I would prefer her to be initially attracted to me. Just the idea that she likes every part of me and that there was nothing missing when she first met me.

 

I think one of the reasons my self-esteem is low is because I've been told throughout my life I'm attractive by a good amount of people and I've started to hold expectations of that. For example, I would think, "okay since I'm shy, if I got to a bar, I would think women would approach me?" I mean doesn't that happen with men that are good looking? Guys that can just go to a party and sit there while all the women do the approaching. But it RARELY happens to me and because of that my brain starts telling me that maybe those people that used to compliment me were lying, just saying it to be nice. Because I don't feel like I'm being treated as attractive so my self-esteem would lower.

 

If I could find a way to explain myself out of that then it'd would probably help loads to fix this problem.

[CarrieT]

I would heartily suggest long-term, deep analysis. There is very little here that people will be able to tell you that will even start to fix you. You have been doing 15+ years of continual damage to your self-esteem and a few posts on a website aren't going to begin to repair that damage.

 

But counseling and analysis can repair the damage. I would anticipate it could take some time; don't discount the idea of several years of therapy.

 

I am serious.

[ECGuy]

I would heartily suggest long-term, deep analysis. There is very little here that people will be able to tell you that will even start to fix you. You have been doing 15+ years of continual damage to your self-esteem and a few posts on a website aren't going to begin to repair that damage.

 

But counseling and analysis can repair the damage. I would anticipate it could take some time; don't discount the idea of several years of therapy.

 

I am serious.

 

Wow! I didn't think it would be this bad

[Ronni_W]

Among my group of girlfriends, we each have our own preferences when it comes to guys' appearance, attractiveness. Some guys I find hot and gorgeous, my g/friends just don't see it...and vice versa.

I still can't figure out the big deal about George Clooney...he does absolutely nothing for me.

 

It sounds as if you want ALMOST EVERY WOMAN (ALL WOMEN?) ON THE PLANET to think you are attractive and, or "their type"? That is unreasonable, unrealistic. It's not going to happen for you...and also not for George Clooney or whichever other "sexiest man alive" that you want to name.

 

As for being approached in bars, it IS the "vibe" or the energy of your feelings to which people can and do respond. You can test, experiment with this by going out a few times (not just once) and 'acting as if' you have great confidence in yourself...not just in your looks, that is only one aspect of the whole package that is you.

 

Intelligent, articulate, self-aware. That's what comes from your post. Women also respond positively to a sense of humour, smiles, proper 'gentlemanly' manners, empathy, good communication and conflict resolution skills. You get the idea. Your self-confidence about these types of qualities and traits will also strengthen your self-image about the whole package that you bring to any relationship. George Clooney ain't getting by on just his looks alone...nobody can get away with that over the long term. Nobody is just their appearance. Trust me.

 

Best of luck.

[A3sthetics]

Maybe you are just, a dude.

 

Dudes want to know they really got the power and are #1 and then it's a matter of working down. That is what you want.

 

Like a chef who has all the ingredients present. Doesn't mean he'll use them all, but he's safe to know, whatever taste or hunger is desired will be met.

 

The problem is, a chef might have every single ingredient in the world.

 

But come to find out, we just eat a sandwich most of the time.

 

So his ingredients go unused, only to serve as some sort of decor to impress everyone. All he needed was some good bread??

 

And even the most unworthy of chefs can get that.

 

 

But, you, just wanted to feel what it felt like to have your own kitchen full of a warehouse of ingredients.

 

Think of, the bread. The simplist, most ordinary of ingredients. Yet you can spend a lifetime on bread. Then you'll make the best tuna sandwich.

 

And people will eat at your place everyday for lunch. And they'll know your name, and give you 5 star ratings online.

 

Because you honed the bread. You are the champion of bread. And bread is cheap.

 

Or, you can just shell out 15grand and get some cheesy online degree and go apply for cool hip restaurants and build up on social networking and play the game.

 

Or you can just float somewhere in between? Or both? Or back and forth?

 

And all the time, allow a door for luck.

Edited February 6, 2014 by A3sthetics

[CarrieT]

Wow! I didn't think it would be this bad

 

You said you started feeling this way and listening to those "bad tapes" when you were 15.

 

You are now 30.

 

That is half your life that you have been feeding yourself the lines that have crippled your confidence. That fact that you have figured it out is great. But to undo that many years' worth is going to take hard work and I don't believe you can change that much ingrained dogma overnight.

[HokeyReligions]

I also like my eyes and the fact that I have a babyface and can't age which is nice.

 

Hold on to those things. If someone has a different opinion and doesnt like your eyes or your youthful face just remember - that is only their opinion. It does not change your eyes or face or your opinion of your self. And remember that for everyone that doesnt like some aspect of there are others who do. Validate yourself. Don't apologize.

 

Dont look for people you can change or people for whom you can change. Just 'mark off' those whose priorities dont match yours. The glass is not half full. The glass is not half empty. The glass is the wrong size. Take the glass and drink the water. Problem solved and thirst quenched.

 

If you're not clear on the metaphor. ..

The glass is you. The water a good therapist that can help you.

[GoreSP]

Why don't you try changing the things about you appearance that you can change?

 

I mean, I'm going against the 'accept yourself' bandwagon but you may find that - for example - working out gives you confidence because 1) you'll start toning up and 2) you'll get better and will be able to lift more and more weight.

 

Change your haircut. Change your eating habits. Start something and finish it - even if it's paint by numbers…sign up for a cooking class

etc etc etc

[mukkrakker]

on first dates, I would put the woman on the spot

 

 

Why? You got a first date!!!

 

You won't get a first date unless they find something appealing, why hijack that by asking a such a loaded question - let them get to know you.

 

Dude, look at all the ugly guys out there walking around with girlfriends/wifes/lovers - it's cos they have something else the woman finds irresistible...