I need to change. How?

[makeithappen]

Hello,

 

I got this message from an acquaintance, after I asked for clarification on what someone else's behaviour meant.

 

 

"to be honest im tired of you asking me for advice, im not in a position to be your personal support system. I understand you needed help before but its unfair to demand my attention so much"

 

 

It hurts. A lot. How to change? I ruined my whole day. I did not reply. I don't know if I should. AGAIN, asking for advice. Will I ever stop?

[FitChick]

You sound like a Libra.

[Pearl27]

Hello,

 

I got this message from an acquaintance, after I asked for clarification on what someone else's behaviour meant.

 

 

"to be honest im tired of you asking me for advice, im not in a position to be your personal support system. I understand you needed help before but its unfair to demand my attention so much"

 

 

It hurts. A lot. How to change? I ruined my whole day. I did not reply. I don't know if I should. AGAIN, asking for advice. Will I ever stop?

 

I do this a lot, LOL! Or rather, I just ramble on and on, asking for advice nonstop like I am looking for validation. Actually, I am.

 

I guess get to the root of why you always ask this friend, and even others, for advice. Understand why you do what you do, and you can stop doing and be happier.

[FitChick]

Some people like attention. Most of them never take the advice you give them.

[GoreSP]

well, your acquaintance has a right to be annoyed with you always asking for advice.

 

However, I think that person could have been less - I don't know - rude?

 

Not so hard to get a point across without being a douchebag.

[makeithappen]

Some people like attention. Most of them never take the advice you give them.

 

 

 

not all advice is good or feasible given the circumstances.

 

 

Spare me your judgmental attitude.

[melell]

My honest opinion. It matters none if you like feedback from others, or different perspectives on things. Just be careful not to always look to the same person for advice.

 

There is nothing wrong with being unsure, wondering, questioning etc. It is not necessarily something that you need to change.

Don't respond to that particular acquaintance, or tell them to get f***ed, I am sure they have several traits that annoy some people. They will be well aware of how saying that would have made you feel- that is a not a nice person.

 

Be yourself, don't worry about it, make more friends.

 

In my experience it doesn't seem to matter what you do, or how you go about it, there will always be someone who it bothers. We are a huge collective of individuals all with lots of differences- you don't need to be perfect.

[almond]

You have obviously drained this acquaintance to the point where they felt the need to state it clearly and definitively, in order to stop you from doing so any longer. This person likely dropped hints to this effect beforehand that you ignored/missed.

 

And Fitchick has a good point - a lot of people ask for advice often, but only listen to what they want to hear. It can get very frustrating.

 

Neediness if very off-putting, and constant seeking of advice can be taxing. Why are you asking for advice so frequently from someone who is merely an acquaintance? And about what someone else's behaviour may have meant nonetheless? This sort of behaviour can come across as immature or self-centred, and may cause people to get frustrated with you.

 

It's good that you accept the need to change - I am assuming that this is not the first time something like this has happened. I guess the best way to do this would be to learn to identify and respect people's boundaries, and look for signs that you are crossing lines or frustrating/pestering others. You should not bother acquaintances with questions about other people's behaviour, or seek advice frequently from them. Often, people can be self-absorbed, and this can deter others. Match the level of communication that people are on a bit more - if they don't ask you for advice and don't contact you often, it's probably because the friendship isn't at that level yet, and you should act accordingly.

 

If this has been a recurring issue for you, individual counselling might be the best bet to help you to alter your behaviour, and build your interpersonal communication skills.

[makeithappen]

You have obviously drained this acquaintance to the point where they felt the need to state it clearly and definitively, in order to stop you from doing so any longer. This person likely dropped hints to this effect beforehand that you ignored/missed.

 

And Fitchick has a good point - a lot of people ask for advice often, but only listen to what they want to hear. It can get very frustrating.

 

Neediness if very off-putting, and constant seeking of advice can be taxing. Why are you asking for advice so frequently from someone who is merely an acquaintance? And about what someone else's behaviour may have meant nonetheless? This sort of behaviour can come across as immature or self-centred, and may cause people to get frustrated with you.

 

It's good that you accept the need to change - I am assuming that this is not the first time something like this has happened. I guess the best way to do this would be to learn to identify and respect people's boundaries, and look for signs that you are crossing lines or frustrating/pestering others. You should not bother acquaintances with questions about other people's behaviour, or seek advice frequently from them. Often, people can be self-absorbed, and this can deter others. Match the level of communication that people are on a bit more - if they don't ask you for advice and don't contact you often, it's probably because the friendship isn't at that level yet, and you should act accordingly.

 

If this has been a recurring issue for you, individual counselling might be the best bet to help you to alter your behaviour, and build your interpersonal communication skills.

 

 

Not at all. It was the moving out issue. She never acted like she was annoyed. I removed her.

[makeithappen]

My honest opinion. It matters none if you like feedback from others, or different perspectives on things. Just be careful not to always look to the same person for advice.

 

There is nothing wrong with being unsure, wondering, questioning etc. It is not necessarily something that you need to change.

Don't respond to that particular acquaintance, or tell them to get f***ed, I am sure they have several traits that annoy some people. They will be well aware of how saying that would have made you feel- that is a not a nice person.

 

Be yourself, don't worry about it, make more friends.

 

In my experience it doesn't seem to matter what you do, or how you go about it, there will always be someone who it bothers. We are a huge collective of individuals all with lots of differences- you don't need to be perfect.

 

 

 

Quite frankly, I nearly cried as there are some people whom I have pestered more often and they were always there to advise me.

 

This is the second time: someone else had removed me from their fb before. But we went to the same uni. She said it inthe same tone as well. I mean, that person failed her studies many times, so I am sure there must have been times she complained, sought guidance, etc....

Why was she so mean like that?

[Allumere]

Don't know ya and certainly don't know the folks that have had enough. Some folks have very strong boundaries and if someone is always in a position of asking for help etc. and they feel like they are getting nothing out of the relationship, it doesn't work for them. Not necessarily because they are mean or selfish but it actual drains and taxes them. Knowing this they need to put up the wall. Others aren't wired that way, And of course there are those folks that just suck...I can't speculate where these individuals fall in the spectrum.

 

As for you, if you are constantly in a state of being unsure and feel you are at a point in your life that you need to make changes but need some good solid direction then I would recommend working with a therapist or life coach. They are not going to give you advice necessarily but they will be able to help you gain some skills so you can learn to better access situations on your own. They may also help you learn to flush out what is worth scrutinizing verses what ya just have to shrug off.

[almond]

Not at all. It was the moving out issue. She never acted like she was annoyed. I removed her.

 

She must have felt drained and annoyed to say what she did - there is no two ways about that.

 

I have no idea what the "moving out issue" is.

 

You now seem to be going down the path of suggesting that other people are being "mean" to you for no reason. If that's the case, then I can't help.

 

However, if you do want to alter your behaviour as per your thread title, the advice that you overlooked in my previous post stands. Your title says one thing, but your responses say another. I can see why people may get frustrated - you've asked for advice on how to change, then completely disregarded it. You've asked why people feel the need to cut you off (yet twice you've been told clearly by the people ending the friendship), you get answers you don't particularly like (you're overstepping boundaries, demanding too much of acquaintances etc.), and you've just argued against it.

 

I feel like I wasted my time thinking about your situation and constructing a reply, as it doesn't appear that you have even considered most of the points in my post. There were multiple questions you ignored, and you highlighted one sentence and responded only to that. It can be frustrating, and these friends and acquaintances of yours may feel the same way.

Edited February 7, 2014 by almond

[JDPT]

I never ask for advice. I view this as a sign of weakness, yeah I know it's a terrible flaw.

[melell]

Not at all. It was the moving out issue. She never acted like she was annoyed. I removed her.

 

Be careful with assumptions.

[mukkrakker]

Spare me your judgmental attitude.

 

Woah!

 

YOU asked for advice.

 

If this is your usual response then I'm not surprised you are having issues.

[EsBeYe]

Perhaps you too often ask him/her an advice..Anything too much are not good I think..

[CC12]

I feel like I wasted my time thinking about your situation and constructing a reply, as it doesn't appear that you have even considered most of the points in my post. There were multiple questions you ignored, and you highlighted one sentence and responded only to that. It can be frustrating, and these friends and acquaintances of yours may feel the same way.

 

Please pay close attention to the above quote, OP. I bet it's the biggest reason that people have told you to stop asking them for advice.

 

I know what the "moving out issue" is, because you've posted about it before and you seemed absolutely desperate for advice, so I gave you mine. I typed out a pretty long reply, gave you several ideas on what you could do, and tried to put a really positive spin on your predicament. In your response to me, you only addressed one of my suggestions by basically saying, "That won't work!" and then your very next sentence started with, "Anyway, my mum..."

 

Can you see how that might feel to an advice giver? It's kind of a slap in the face to have 99% of your advice ignored and for the 1% that was acknowledged, it was "Nope! I can't!"

 

I am not bringing this up because I was personally offended by it, or anything. It's just an example of how *not* to respond to advice that you've asked for.

 

Here are some things you can change about these interactions. First, if you ask for help, accept and acknowledge the help you're given, even if you don't agree or think the advice sucks. Try to appear appreciative. Use phrases like, "Hm, you have a good point." Or "That makes sense." Try not to shoot anything down, but if you do, make it constructive, not dismissive. "I get what you're saying, but that won't work because..."

 

Also, be sure that your conversations with friends aren't all one-sided. It should not always be about you. Make it a point to be interested in their lives, and ask them about themselves. Try saying "Thank you for listening, but enough about me. What's new with you?" Do you do this?