aguyinthecrowd Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I was in a long distance relationship for two years in college. I broke up with her before my final semester because I had to focus on studies, and I knew my future probably would not include her unless she changed her personality and lack of desire to travel. It hurt her more than me, especially when she thought the break up was only to the end of the semester. After a little while, we started talking again and chatted like friends. Then she started talking about a new guy she found online. I supported her completely, and wished her the best. They met in person early this year, and got into a relationship within a couple days. Well done for her! And then things started to go south. She got pretty attached to this guy right away, as in publicly saying this guy is amazing on about one of every two or three Facebook statuses. If anything annoys me fast, it's being super lovey dovey in public on Facebook, no matter who it is. So I decided to have fun on one of the statuses by laughing about myself (which I do often). So then he and my ex start joking that I can't have her back (I'm not interested in taking her back). But the joking took a bad turn because he sounded unbelievably arrogant in being with this guy, and that she was OK with it. And then he started private messaging me saying I shouldn't talk to her. Sorry pal, but she's my friend, and I will talk to her when I want. He's furious and says I'd better stop. In the second message he ever sent me, he said, "I am better than you in every way possible." After that, his reputation is shot with me. I keep calm, telling him to calm down, and that I wish them nothing but the best. But he is the biggest sheep in wolf's clothing I've ever had the displeasure of talking to. On top of that, my ex is upset because I made him upset, by laughing at myself. Move forward a couple of days, and apparently there are no hard feelings from them. But she's been distant lately. Whenever I try to talk to her, it's felt like pulling teeth trying to get her to respond. In the meantime, the statuses keep coming and the lovey dovey-ness continues. It really sucks because she is a smart girl, but I'm starting to think she's getting taken for a ride. The guy she's seeing was recently fired from a job (all I know is it was from a ways away, but his Facebook profile says it was a small job most anyone could do) no license (meaning she has to drive four hours to see him, then another four to bring her to her house, while I was five hours away) virtually no money, on top of being the most arrogant person I've ever met. I really care about her, and I'm really concerned that she's spending all this money (she doesn't have much) and time with this guy, she might be influenced big time (dare I say manipulated) into changing just to like him, and that she's not going to listen to me because she knows I don't really like him. How can I get my friend back before it's too late? Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 That's why it's a bad ideea to be friends with your ex. You are no longer her priority, her boyfriend is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Friendship with an ex- is impossible until you reach a state of indifference. Until then, you are emotionally invested. Back away, leave her alone. She's a big girl, she has to sort her own life out. Go total No Contact. Read the NC Guide in my signature (link). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Friendship with an ex- is impossible until you reach a state of indifference. Until then, you are emotionally invested. Back away, leave her alone. She's a big girl, she has to sort her own life out. Go total No Contact. Read the NC Guide in my signature (link). I think that the op is in denial, he still has strong feelings for his ex. OP definitely read the NC Guide Link to post Share on other sites
Author aguyinthecrowd Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 I think that the op is in denial, he still has strong feelings for his ex. OP definitely read the NC Guide I took a look through the guide, and I'll follow it. Perhaps I am living in denial. Thank you for the help. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 You better alpha that turd pronto. He's certainly given you enough ammo. Next time he posts something ask him if he needs a ride to the supermarket since you know he can't drive. I just got kicked off my sister's facebook for alphaing her pedophile boyfriend. There's more than one path to no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 You need to decide if you want this woman for the long haul or not. If not, get out of her way. You started this ugly exchange yourself by making it public on Facebook. You are an ex, not just a friend. You pretended not to care she's seeing someone, but then you interfered and continue to do so. Who wouldn't be a jerk at the very moment they find out their new love interest still has an ex pulling her strings? If you want her, go get her. It sounds like you've been very fickle so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aguyinthecrowd Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 So I have not spoken to her since Sunday, and made a vow to not talk to her on Thursday. It's been going very well. In that time, I've noticed a decent drop in maturity in her Facebook posts. It took me a while to see that, and it's been going on ever since she found the new guy. She's become someone that I'm increasingly getting disinterested in on all levels. And you know what? Fine. If she wants to be like that, then that's her decision. I won't stand in her way. I wasn't always the best at handling this, but I'm determined to do better. There is only one reason that I may need to contact her for: a kidney. I just received the paperwork to confirm I go on the transplant list. I've always had kidney problems, and she's known this from the start. One of the last times that we talked I told her I was going on the list. There's a number that one can call to say they're interested in donating to me so that I don't have to wait for years or die waiting. I'm not trying to use this as an excuse to talk to her. The only reason that I feel I should say something is because my life could be saved doing this. No matter who donates, I'm going to move across the ocean (one of the main reasons we broke up). Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aguyinthecrowd Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 Just to add, in case it wasn't clear enough, I would never speak to her again if it weren't for the need for a kidney. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Correct me if I am wrong. Are you hoping that your ex will donate her kidney to you? And that is the only reason you are trying to stay in contact? Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 You think she's going to give you a kidney when she won't even return your contact a lot of the time? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Hang on........ who needs the kidney? Her or you? And frankly, isn't that for the medics to find and decide, on the biological compatibility? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Just to add, in case it wasn't clear enough, I would never speak to her again if it weren't for the need for a kidney. Still don't talk to her, let her find out about your kidney transplant through others. She is NOT a real friend, you two are ex's. Ex's can't be friends. You still are attached to her and second guess everything she says and does, applying it how you feel about her which makes things confusing. Focus on your other friends and family for support. And, most of all, hope you find a match really soon! Good luck and do post about it when it happens! Link to post Share on other sites
Author aguyinthecrowd Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 I'm the one who needs the kidney. She knew about my kidney problems since we first met. I've already had two transplants (born with severe kidney problems, first transplant failed) and they happened long before we met. Fortunately, I'm not far enough along that I need one right now. But I will within a few years. I'm at the stage where I'm asking friends and family if they want to donate. It's better to get as many people as I can who want to donate. It's in case my first option (my brother) doesn't match (he goes to India a lot, that's not ideal with all of the malaria) or if I reject my kidney after transplant. This would be the only reason I would contact her. If it weren't for this, we would not talk again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 This would be the only reason I would contact her. If it weren't for this, we would not talk again. Are you hoping she'll donate one of her kidney's to you or are you just wanting her to know what is going on with your situation about an impending kidney transplant? She is not a friend anymore, honestly I would just stop talking to her all together. She may feel really uncomfortable and not want to get involved, some people aren't going to give up their kidney regardless of who it is. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 It's far more likely to be family who donates a kidney. It's too much to ask someone you have a shakey relationship with and who is an ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aguyinthecrowd Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 I decided to put up an announcement on my profile. I'm not going to mention it to her directly. After looking at the prerequisites of the hospital I'm working with, she wouldn't be able to donate anyways. Thank you all for all of the help. I needed another perspective and that's exactly what I got. Thank you again! Link to post Share on other sites
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