i think my partner cheat, gut feeling, crazy thoughts, torturing myself

[California_Girl_87]

i think my partner cheated, strong gut feeling, crazy thoughts, torturing myself...

 

Hi everyone, sorry posted this in the wrong place, i have posted again here. Apologies as this is long but I just really need some outside perspective on my situation. my self esteem is on the floor at this point. please just be as honest and as abrupt as you like, i need people to tell me straight. any input is greatly appreciated:

 

 

I have a gut feeling that my boyfriend cheated on me but the evidence is really circumstancial so I have no real proof and I am torturing myself. The gut feeling is very strong though and I am not sure whether to trust this as a rational thought or not. It wasn't really what he did (details to follow) but it was more his reaction afterwards and how he handled everything that made him look very guilty.

 

Bit of background- we were together 2.5 years, things were amazing in the beginning and we were kind of in a bit of a bubble, always together and had cut ourselves off from friends a little too (unhealthy I know but that's what happened). he was very in to me in the beginning, almost obsessively but i felt him become distant lately. This distant feeling could be explained (i thought) because we both got new, demanding jobs and found ourselves preoccupied with those. I felt we were drifting apart, unable to see eachother as much and stopped doing things together as a couple like going out together which we had done a lot of in the beginning but yet we were rowing more when we did see eachother.

 

his job is very sociable and he was invited on a night out with his work colleagues for dinner. we had never really gone out without eachother prior to this- i know that isn't healthy but I had done the whole club/bar scene with friends prior to the relationship and felt ready to settle down abit, i didn't realise that would mean drifting away from my friends so much but it happened. if he was invited anywhere he always would have brought me along too, infact he would have insisted that I go and we did everything in our little twosome. but this time he went without me with his new work colleagues. i didn't think too much of it, it is his work and nothing to do with me so i respected that and off he went.

 

the problem was he kept saying in the weeks leading up to the event that he didn't really want to go, that he didn't really like his colleagues and right up to the night before he said he wasn't going. but he went. and i later found out he had always intended to go because he had paid his money weeks before. he told me that he had to go and i understood in some workplaces you can look antisocial if you don't take part in such things. but as he left it to the last minute to tell me he was going out, i couldn't make other arrangements and so that night while he was out I sat in the house by myself.

 

he told me it was just a dinner, that he wasn't drinking as they were new colleagues and he didn't want to get drunk and embarrass himself infront of them... but he got very drunk and i don't think he came home! we don't live together and i'm not his keeper, nor am i his wife but it is the lies that have hurt me because i am his long term girlfriend and feel disrespected- he texted and called a lot at the start of the night, and then nothing... so (stupidly) i called him around midnight to see if he was ok.. he answered eventually and told me he was asleep in bed- dispite the obvious echoe and blaring beat of the music in the background. but when i challenged him he got very angry and still swore to God he was home in bed and he sounded extremely drunk. he actually said 'i'm in bed at home if you don't believe me 'f*** off'

 

i didn't hear from after that until the next afternoon when he sounded extremely sheepish and very very guilty in his tone. any time that i asked about the previous night or what actually happened he would get very angry, lose his temper and give me no explanation- he actually put the blame on to me for daring to accuse him. for two whole weeks he still swore he was home in bed and sober when i called and this is the part that hurt me- i am supposedly an intelligent girl but he actually (quite convincingly) tried to say that i had imagined the background music and that i was 'mental' all he would say is 'stop going on about it, i was home in my bed' it was a very 'take it or leave it' type of attitude

 

a few weeks later he then admitted that he had stayed out later that night and that he had been still out while on the phone to me (which i knew) but he claims he went home shortly after this and wasn't drunk- even though he sounded very very drunk. there was no further explanation- if i mentioned it, he would snap and say 'it was weeks ago, why are you still going on about it?'

 

i believe he stayed out all night, i believe he got very drunk and because of his reaction i actually think he may have slept with someone else- i know that he didn't make it in to work the next day which is very unlike him. so in my head i was thinking he didn't make it in to work because he didn't wake up in his own bed. he also lost an expensive bracelet that i had bought him as an anniversary gift, it went missing on the night out but miraculously it turned up a few days later supposedly in his own house on the floow- why do i have a feeling he left it in someone elses house and they gave it back to him.

 

when i accused him of being a liar (which he proved himself to be) he would lose his temper and put the blame on to me and call me a psycho. i asked him if he cheated and he simply said 'if you believe that i can't be with you'

 

again no explanation of what actually occured, the temper, the putting the blame on to me makes me think he did. if he had even said 'i got drunk and fell asleep' or 'i got in a fight' anything, any explanation to make it not look so bad.. but he wouldn't talk about it. when we were going to break up over it and i asked him again to tell me he said 'if you want some kind of closure im not giving you that, i have nothing to say cus nothing happened'

 

there are lots of other factors but i really don't want this post to be any longer, i've really tried to make it brief.

 

basically, i know that no one here can give me my answer of whether he did or not cheat. but i guess i just want to know if you think the thoughts i'm having are rational or crazy- am i putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 100? i now look like a bunny boiler, and a crazy woman when i am just upet about being lied to. i feel that now he has new work friends he doesn't really need me, and didn't seem to care if we broke up or not- which would suggest to me there may have been someone else but maybe i am paranoid, he has tried to make me feel paranoid

 

and after writing this i realise i look like a doormat.. do you think this is a dumpable offence? or did he simply just want to stay out with the work friends and have fun? i just feel like i have been made a fool of but i would like an outside perspective. i am also angry that he had stopped wanting to make time to go out with me (like we used to) but was able to make time for the work people.. i hate myself because i sound so jealous and possessive, and i'm not that kind of person, i just don't know if i can trust him.

 

my friend told me that whether he cheated or not, he still lied and he didn't really care enough to fight for me when i called him on it so she thinks because there is no trust, thanks to his lies, i should end things. she also said that it was a major red flag that the bracelet was lost on the night and then turned up days later. he was very guilty about the missing bracelt and didn't actually tell me for a whole day that it was gone. also the fact that he lost it when he claimed to have been sober is very odd. i'm just upset though because i didn't do anything wrong, he is the one who went out, got drunk and did whatever, yet he is putting the blame on to me- saying it is my fault the relationship hasn't been working because i questioned him and was upset. i can forgive the drunkeness, but it is the lies that hurt and the turning the blame on me that i can't forgive.. and ofcourse the thought of him cheating makes me feel physically sick. he knows i would never forgive that which might explain why he didn't tell me anything.

 

do you guys think he cheated? (i know you can't really know, but based on what i have said)

 

please someone help me

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I can imagine the emotional torture you're going through. So, to make a more informed guess, I have a couple questions:

 

Have you ever displayed any type of jealous or controlling behaviour? Are you quick to anger? Do you tend to accuse rather than ask questions? I ask this because some people will lie about their whereabouts, even when they're not doing something "wrong", to avoid the hell that rains down on them for telling the truth. It's not right, but it sometimes happens if one partner feels suffocated or controlled. I don't mean to turn this around on you, but it's worth asking to help give context to his reaction.

 

If that's not the case, then yes, I do believe he's hiding something. His reaction speaks volumes: he responded angrily rather than offering a refusal or reassurance. Does he have a history of lying to you? It is very strange indeed that he'd try to convince you he was in bed when he so obviously wasn't. For some reason, he didn't want you to know where he really was.

 

Has he ever actually denied cheating? I think the first thing a truly innocent person would do is try to reassure their partner that they didn't cheat, and yes, possibly then become angry for being accused.

 

He may not have physically cheated. And you said it, the "evidence" is circumstantial. But his behaviour was strange for someone with nothing at all to hide. Ask him why he felt the need to lie to you. You may get some time of answer there. If he can't answer that, then you know your gut is telling you something.

[whichwayisup]

Gut instincts are usually right. If something feels off, then chances are he's had (at best) an inappropriate friendship that crossed some lines. Maybe not a full on affair with sex, but it's something he is hiding from you as he knows it'll hurt you and do damage to your relationship.

 

The thing is, him denying it and minimizing what happened IS making things worse, and making you feel bad, questioning him and wanting to snoop to find out more. The lying and hiding it is called gas lighting and that's what he's doing to you making you feel crazy.

 

Maybe take time for yourself to think if he's worth it. You know right now you can't fully trust him.

[ffsear]

What industry does he work in? is it a laddish culture?

 

I ask as it sounds to me like he's gone to a strip club and didnt want you to find out.

[JDPT]

Although I may think you are way overthinking this and perhaps corner him to the point that he no longer wants to deal, there is some validity to gut feelings. We can very creatively confabulate anything we phantom and run with it. However, only you know him and are in a better position to determine whether he is telling the truth or a sketchy character attempting to cover up what "occurred" that night.

[Andy_K]

Your friends are right. The lies, anger, and lack of any effort to convince you he'd done nothing wrong are more than reason enough to dump him, regardless of whether he cheated on you.

 

Go find someone better. There are plenty out there.

[KatZee]

I think he's definitely hiding something. The aggressive behavior, the gas-lighting, the overly defensive behavior... he's full of guilt and he's full of s.hit. It's very obvious.

 

As for what he's hiding, no one can tell you, and if he won't tell you, you're never going to know.

 

Is it a dumpable offense? He's proven himself to be a liar, a few times over now. He lied to your face when you confronted him, spins the story around to make YOU look crazy and then he comes back days/week later saying, "yeah you were right."

 

Since you really don't know anything, what he's doing right now is known as "trickle truth." He's only going to give you as much as he thinks you know. Since you "knew" he was out later and not home in bed, he owned up to it. Because you know nothing else, he will never voluntarily give up that information.

 

I think whatever this "work event" was, was bad news from the start. And it was why he lied from day one saying he was never going, and basically ensuring that you wouldn't be able to accompany him.

 

I think it's shady that he paid money to go to this all while lying to your face, it's shady that he got wasted and told you he was sober, it's shadier that he said he was home in bed when he was clearly at a bar/strip club/club, whatever.

 

It's up to you if you want to deal with such blatant disrespect. At almost 3 years together I think he should be able to come to you with things good or bad, not hide them and then sneak around behind your back. Obviously this new job is a bit sketchy with what they do, where they go, or the company they keep. Do you really want to sit around on this ride and be continuously lied to and made a fool of?

 

I also don't like how he's telling YOU, "if you think I'm cheating I can't be with you." You should have shot back, "I KNOW you're a liar, you've lied to me numerous times now, and I CAN'T be with a liar."

 

It doesn't matter if he cheated or not. The fact that he's lied multiple times over makes it hard to believe anything out of his mouth from this point forward, and if he won't be honest of course your mind is going to run wild and think the worst things possible. If he didn't do anything wrong, he would be reassuring you, not behaving the way he's behaving.

 

I wouldn't be able to move past such a breach in trust. If there's no trust, there's no relationship and I absolutely would not trust this guy for a second.

[theediblewoman]

Whether or not he cheated is irrelevant because the trust and respect is not there. You're not going to feel comforted by anything he says because he's already lied and he's acting like an ******* about it. I have been in your situation before and as it turns out he had cheated. I spent months tormenting myself about whether or not something was going on and he would make me feel like the crazy one, just like in your case. He may not have cheated but he certainly is doing an awful job at painting himself as loving,empathetic and innocent. If you can bring yourself to do it get out. I was too naive and desperate for his love to ignore the blatant disrespect my ex put me through sounds like you aren't. Go with your gut and good luck!

[Kizmet Fisher]

i think my partner cheated, strong gut feeling, crazy thoughts, torturing myself...

 

Hi everyone, sorry posted this in the wrong place, i have posted again here. Apologies as this is long but I just really need some outside perspective on my situation. my self esteem is on the floor at this point. please just be as honest and as abrupt as you like, i need people to tell me straight. any input is greatly appreciated:

 

 

I have a gut feeling that my boyfriend cheated on me but the evidence is really circumstancial so I have no real proof and I am torturing myself. The gut feeling is very strong though and I am not sure whether to trust this as a rational thought or not. It wasn't really what he did (details to follow) but it was more his reaction afterwards and how he handled everything that made him look very guilty.

 

Bit of background- we were together 2.5 years, things were amazing in the beginning and we were kind of in a bit of a bubble, always together and had cut ourselves off from friends a little too (unhealthy I know but that's what happened). he was very in to me in the beginning, almost obsessively but i felt him become distant lately. This distant feeling could be explained (i thought) because we both got new, demanding jobs and found ourselves preoccupied with those. I felt we were drifting apart, unable to see eachother as much and stopped doing things together as a couple like going out together which we had done a lot of in the beginning but yet we were rowing more when we did see eachother.

 

his job is very sociable and he was invited on a night out with his work colleagues for dinner. we had never really gone out without eachother prior to this- i know that isn't healthy but I had done the whole club/bar scene with friends prior to the relationship and felt ready to settle down abit, i didn't realise that would mean drifting away from my friends so much but it happened. if he was invited anywhere he always would have brought me along too, infact he would have insisted that I go and we did everything in our little twosome. but this time he went without me with his new work colleagues. i didn't think too much of it, it is his work and nothing to do with me so i respected that and off he went.

 

the problem was he kept saying in the weeks leading up to the event that he didn't really want to go, that he didn't really like his colleagues and right up to the night before he said he wasn't going. but he went. and i later found out he had always intended to go because he had paid his money weeks before. he told me that he had to go and i understood in some workplaces you can look antisocial if you don't take part in such things. but as he left it to the last minute to tell me he was going out, i couldn't make other arrangements and so that night while he was out I sat in the house by myself.

 

he told me it was just a dinner, that he wasn't drinking as they were new colleagues and he didn't want to get drunk and embarrass himself infront of them... but he got very drunk and i don't think he came home! we don't live together and i'm not his keeper, nor am i his wife but it is the lies that have hurt me because i am his long term girlfriend and feel disrespected- he texted and called a lot at the start of the night, and then nothing... so (stupidly) i called him around midnight to see if he was ok.. he answered eventually and told me he was asleep in bed- dispite the obvious echoe and blaring beat of the music in the background. but when i challenged him he got very angry and still swore to God he was home in bed and he sounded extremely drunk. he actually said 'i'm in bed at home if you don't believe me 'f*** off'

 

i didn't hear from after that until the next afternoon when he sounded extremely sheepish and very very guilty in his tone. any time that i asked about the previous night or what actually happened he would get very angry, lose his temper and give me no explanation- he actually put the blame on to me for daring to accuse him. for two whole weeks he still swore he was home in bed and sober when i called and this is the part that hurt me- i am supposedly an intelligent girl but he actually (quite convincingly) tried to say that i had imagined the background music and that i was 'mental' all he would say is 'stop going on about it, i was home in my bed' it was a very 'take it or leave it' type of attitude

 

a few weeks later he then admitted that he had stayed out later that night and that he had been still out while on the phone to me (which i knew) but he claims he went home shortly after this and wasn't drunk- even though he sounded very very drunk. there was no further explanation- if i mentioned it, he would snap and say 'it was weeks ago, why are you still going on about it?'

 

i believe he stayed out all night, i believe he got very drunk and because of his reaction i actually think he may have slept with someone else- i know that he didn't make it in to work the next day which is very unlike him. so in my head i was thinking he didn't make it in to work because he didn't wake up in his own bed. he also lost an expensive bracelet that i had bought him as an anniversary gift, it went missing on the night out but miraculously it turned up a few days later supposedly in his own house on the floow- why do i have a feeling he left it in someone elses house and they gave it back to him.

 

when i accused him of being a liar (which he proved himself to be) he would lose his temper and put the blame on to me and call me a psycho. i asked him if he cheated and he simply said 'if you believe that i can't be with you'

 

again no explanation of what actually occured, the temper, the putting the blame on to me makes me think he did. if he had even said 'i got drunk and fell asleep' or 'i got in a fight' anything, any explanation to make it not look so bad.. but he wouldn't talk about it. when we were going to break up over it and i asked him again to tell me he said 'if you want some kind of closure im not giving you that, i have nothing to say cus nothing happened'

 

there are lots of other factors but i really don't want this post to be any longer, i've really tried to make it brief.

 

basically, i know that no one here can give me my answer of whether he did or not cheat. but i guess i just want to know if you think the thoughts i'm having are rational or crazy- am i putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 100? i now look like a bunny boiler, and a crazy woman when i am just upet about being lied to. i feel that now he has new work friends he doesn't really need me, and didn't seem to care if we broke up or not- which would suggest to me there may have been someone else but maybe i am paranoid, he has tried to make me feel paranoid

 

and after writing this i realise i look like a doormat.. do you think this is a dumpable offence? or did he simply just want to stay out with the work friends and have fun? i just feel like i have been made a fool of but i would like an outside perspective. i am also angry that he had stopped wanting to make time to go out with me (like we used to) but was able to make time for the work people.. i hate myself because i sound so jealous and possessive, and i'm not that kind of person, i just don't know if i can trust him.

 

my friend told me that whether he cheated or not, he still lied and he didn't really care enough to fight for me when i called him on it so she thinks because there is no trust, thanks to his lies, i should end things. she also said that it was a major red flag that the bracelet was lost on the night and then turned up days later. he was very guilty about the missing bracelt and didn't actually tell me for a whole day that it was gone. also the fact that he lost it when he claimed to have been sober is very odd. i'm just upset though because i didn't do anything wrong, he is the one who went out, got drunk and did whatever, yet he is putting the blame on to me- saying it is my fault the relationship hasn't been working because i questioned him and was upset. i can forgive the drunkeness, but it is the lies that hurt and the turning the blame on me that i can't forgive.. and ofcourse the thought of him cheating makes me feel physically sick. he knows i would never forgive that which might explain why he didn't tell me anything.

 

do you guys think he cheated? (i know you can't really know, but based on what i have said)

 

please someone help me

 

I wish I could tell you that it's all your head, but I think you're right that he cheated on you. The fact he keeps turning the tables on you when you ask about that night means he wants you to feel so bad about asking about it that you just leave it alone, and he gets away with whatever he did. If you add that to all the other suspicious factors you mentioned as well as your strong gut feeling - it's pretty likely he did something he wasn't meant to.

 

The problem now is not just that he probably cheated on you - it's that he probably cheated on you, lied about it repeatedly and then treated you very badly and tried to make you out to be the bad guy for asking about that night. Please dump this guy OP, you deserve better.

[894hjk]

I hate to say this but you know he was acting all " I'm not gunna go out " for ages b4 the night, that could have been because he didn't want u to make plans to come. I've done that to friends b4.

 

Snoop his mob when asleep or check his computer or fb. U have reason to.

[Poppygoodwill]

He's on the defensive and you're on the offensive. It's a standoff, but you've got no evidence to prove anything. It could be because none exists. I think EXpat in Italy is onto something when s/he asks if your bf's prevaricating could be a learned response to your suspicion and judgementalness?

 

In any event, he says he didn't do it, and you either have to live with that and try to move on, or you have to dump him. YOu can't live in the middle, not trusting him and stuck cause you'll make yourself, and him, miserable. It might even lead to a self-fulfiling prophecy.

 

The third way is to go on full frontal investigation mode and snoop until you find a definitive answer. But beware that a man with a hammer always sees nails; if you start snooping in his email and mob, you'll see suspicious intent in even the most potentially harmless interactions. And worse than that - and I speak from sorry experience - you won't be satisfied until you find something suspicious. It becomes a compulsion and you search and search and sure enough, you'll find something to justify your suspicion. IT's a no-win situation.