Ex breaking NC

[Caliguy30]

In short, since I have explained my story in my "moving forward" post, very up and down relationship for 18 months. Not sure why I am taking the breakup so hard when during the relationship when she wanted to hang out all the time I backed off, but so has she. She is 22 I am 28 she is torn between being 22 year old girl and what a caring person like I am wants.

I even tried being friends with her after the breakup to see if we could be friends and build off of that. She gives mixed signals and thinks it is my fault. She tells me she loves me, but isn't in love with me and she can't build a relationship anymore, right after she says let's be friends and see what happens.

My friends are all sick of hearing about what is going on. They all don't know why I am wasting my time pining away for someone of her caliber. I keep trying to insitute no contact, but she keeps breaking it. I spoke to her yesterday because it was my birthday, but kept it brief. She then texted me at night to see how it was going, which I deleted because I was trying not to have my feeling of depression and loss ruin my night. Then she texts me this morning "are you alive" today was supposed to be day one restarted of NC, I've made it three days the longest.

 

Need advice?

[TaraMaiden]

She doesn't break No Contact.

you do, by responding, as you implemented it....

 

She could text, write, phone, use smoke signals, an 78-piece brass band, or jump out naked from a cake, singing 'Stars and stripes for ever!" and she still wouldn't be breaking contact - unless you 'open that door'.

 

let her try and go blue in the face doing it.

 

Just don't ever reply, respond or react.

 

At all.

 

Ever.

[Caliguy30]

I see what you're saying. I just feel bad, but I guess that is because I am the one who is hurt. If she wanted me back she wouldn't of broken up with me.

[TaraMaiden]

Remember what breadcrumbs are?

Use your loaf - don't peck 'em up!

 

 

 

(*wouldn't 'HAVE'*).......

[Caliguy30]

Hahaha please excuse my bad grammar. Thank you for the support. Is it not normal to feel guilty though that I am not responding. It was my birthday and I wanted to use that as a starting point to move forward.

[TaraMaiden]

Hahaha please excuse my bad grammar. Thank you for the support. Is it not normal to feel guilty though that I am not responding. It was my birthday and I wanted to use that as a starting point to move forward.

 

You feel guilty, but that's because you still persist in putting her feelings first.

 

No Contact has a selfish element to it - but it's down to damage-limitation/self-preservation.

You have to shield your fragile heart, because she's battering it left right and centre.

 

Forget touching base for your birthday.

 

you can only use indifference as the starting point to move forward.

 

When you can see her in the arms of another guy and think..."Meh... yeah? So what?" That's when you can respond to her.

 

Only, by then, hopefully, she will have moved on from that.

[mantlefan]

I am very new to NC, only heard of it at this site in early January. But the way I understand it, when she contacts you, you aren't failing at NC. Don't use her contacting you as an excuse to say "well, NC is broken, so I guess we can talk." If you are keeping track of days you have been on NC, and that scorekeeping is useful (which I think it is), I would award yourself an extra "day" each time she contacts you and you delete it while reading as little as possible, or you see her in public and go the other way, or she corners you and you politely, quickly, and coolly excuse yourself.

 

 

Her contacting you is a chance to be stronger with NC, not an excuse to be weaker. But I am right there with you. I am in a very similar situation, so this pep talk is as much for me as it is for you

[Chi townD]

I even tried being friends with her after the breakup to see if we could be friends and build off of that. She gives mixed signals and thinks it is my fault. She tells me she loves me, but isn't in love with me and she can't build a relationship anymore, right after she says let's be friends and see what happens.

 

 

 

Okay, going to make NC really easy for you now.

 

The bold is the "ILYBINILWY" speech. Ex's give that speech and it is textbook and classic for "I was cheating on you and now I'm seeing that person." Dude, there's another guy in the picture. 9 times out of 10 that is EXACTLY what that means.

 

So, why the breadcrumbs? Because she's feeling guilty. She knows that she had someone to run to and she left you all alone. She feels responsible for that and as soon as she see's that you're okay and no hard feelings; she's going to ride off in the sunset with her new man.

 

So, think about that the next time you get a text. It should be easier to ignore it the next time.

[Caliguy30]

Okay, going to make NC really easy for you now.

 

The bold is the "ILYBINILWY" speech. Ex's give that speech and it is textbook and classic for "I was cheating on you and now I'm seeing that person." Dude, there's another guy in the picture. 9 times out of 10 that is EXACTLY what that means.

 

So, why the breadcrumbs? Because she's feeling guilty. She knows that she had someone to run to and she left you all alone. She feels responsible for that and as soon as she see's that you're okay and no hard feelings; she's going to ride off in the sunset with her new man.

 

So, think about that the next time you get a text. It should be easier to ignore it the next time.

 

Wow that was harsh

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, no way to sugar coat that...

 

Look, I know you're hurting, I've been there and done that. I get it. But, the way you're writing about her is that you're painting her as a good person. And she might be! But, not in the way that she handled things with you. She was stringing you along. You even kinda of suggested that when you said she was giving you mixed signals. Now, how is that fair to you?

 

And if what I wrote is true, then she was playing with two guys at the same time, trying to decide for herself which one she wanted. Again, how is that fair to you.

 

If what I wrote seems harsh, then I apologize. However, it's what we call around here, "getting hit with a 2x4" to wake you up.

 

And, hopefully, get you to see that you deserve so much more than the way she treated you. That you do have self worth and you are mature enough not to be playing her stupid games.

 

Dude, stay strong, keep to NC and start making positive changes in your life.

[Caliguy30]

Thank you Chi Town, I appreciate the follow-up. The thing that hurts the most is it's true. She did it with me when I thought things were over with her ex. She cheated on me with him. Really sucks to think it happened again. It's not ok, I am way better than that. I just want her to admit it, but she never will.

[Chi townD]

Thank you Chi Town, I appreciate the follow-up. The thing that hurts the most is it's true. She did it with me when I thought things were over with her ex. She cheated on me with him. Really sucks to think it happened again. It's not ok, I am way better than that. I just want her to admit it, but she never will.

 

Nope! she won't. But, you know the old saying. Actions speak louder than words. The ACTIONS that she has shown you paints her as a pretty crappy girlfriend. Don't you think?

 

Another reason why she may be contacting you and throwing out breadcrumbs is because a lot of women hate the fact that there might be someone on this planet that doesn't think that they are a nice person or even hates them. Not all, but a lot. Drives them nuts.

 

So, she's hoping to get you into the friend zone so she can ease her own guilt. She wants nothing more than to say to herself, " Well, things didn't work with Caliguy while we were dating. But, look at us now! I'm back with Ex (or whoever) and we're still really good friends! I guess the break up was the right thing to do afterall!" And then she's able to forgive her crappy behavior and move on.

 

Don't give her the satisfaction. We preach that NC is for us to heal. And that is absolutely true. But, in a small way, it's for our Ex's as well. It forces them to take a personal inventory of themselves and the way that they treat others. That if they treat us terribly, then there's consequences to their actions. That they can't get what they want all the time.

 

Dude, I promise you that there is a girl out there for you. Look at this break up is just one more heartbreak away from the girl that you were truly meant to be with. And this girl is going to know how to take care of her man. She's going to show you that if you treat her with kindness, love and respect, that she's going to give that back to you and a LOT more! She's going to be with you because there's no other place in the world that she would rather be. And trust me on this, she's out there and she's waiting for you. Waiting for you to find her.

 

But, you're never going to find her until you finally cut this girl out of your life and heal. She made her choice and, unfortunately, it wasn't you. So, time to move on! Make positive changes and get your revenge. The best revenge you can have is to lead a damn good life! Have adventures, get new hobbies, travel and see the world! Because that's where this new girl is at, she's out there!

[Caliguy30]

Thank you. When we started dating in July of 2012, she had this ex who was a mess. Drug addict, going through a divorce, very unstable. I gave her an adult with his stuff together, good job, didn't need her to take care of me all the time etc. The guy I suspected her of leaving me for this time and probably cheating on me with, coke addict, deadend job, no education etc. I am definitely deserve much better. I promised myself I wouldn't be like her ex who calls her 1,000 times in a night still. The best way to show myself I won't fall victim to these games is to move forward. I do look for the good in people and overlook this crap because I don't believe that someone could treat someone like she has.

I guess I can still learn a few things and you're right there is someone else out there, but I can't find them until I heal and get myself back to where I should've been the entire time we were together instead of her brining me down and making me feel low as she sees herself. Time for me to get my stuff together and knock off worrying about her. I joined the gym, taking time to myself to watch movies and relax, hanging out with friends.

My problem is that I want to be better now, which isn't going to happen. I see myself as a loser if I am not out at the bar hitting on girls or taking girls home. One, that is not the person I am I wouldn't use people like that. Two, I need to get myself together before I go out because I don't want rejection right now. Three, I see myself as a loser because she is probably out partying and hooking up with whomever. Could that be happening, yes, but as soon as I stop worrying about that I will realize I am living my own life how I want to not about her. She can do what she wants. I will not provide her with the care and love that she is missing out on. She has become dependant upon it, and she will seek it from someone else. So be it.

[BC1980]

Hahaha please excuse my bad grammar. Thank you for the support. Is it not normal to feel guilty though that I am not responding. It was my birthday and I wanted to use that as a starting point to move forward.

 

Yes, it's normal to feel guilty for not responding because you are human. This has been said by many a person (myself included) who found themselves in even more pain. The truth is that when you break, you break. I'm sure there is some level of guilt on her part as well, which is why she keeps contacting you. You don't keep a foothold in the other person's life with these meaningless texts.

 

You'll get sick of it at some point and see what's really going on.

[Caliguy30]

Now she's calling me

[Caliguy30]

Left me some BS message to see how my birthday was since I haven't responded to her texts.

[pickflicker]

Left me some BS message to see how my birthday was since I haven't responded to her texts.

 

Continue to not respond.

[Caliguy30]

Proud of myself, I haven't responded. I need to take control of my situation and taking control is protecting myself from her mind games. Can't worry about if it is bothering her that I won't respond, but just keep posting here instead of texting her.

[melell]

First of all, her excuses are no proof that you were left for someone else.

I think it is ridiculous for people to jump to that conclusion like it is gospel, it would be likely at best.

 

Secondly, save yourself a lot of hurt- change your number/block her number. In my experience nc works best when there is neither sending or receiving. Anything that can provoke an emotion in you will make things harder and the process last longer.

-put it this way, and ex calls and leaves a long voice mail saying they have been sleeping with several of your friends and going further to describe all of your flaws. Regardless of whether or not you respond, receiving it alone will mess with you.

 

Your phone is ringing- it is your ex- your brain and emotions kick in, the process continues.

[Chi townD]

First of all, her excuses are no proof that you were left for someone else.

I think it is ridiculous for people to jump to that conclusion like it is gospel, it would be likely at best.

 

 

Yeah, you would be talking about me.

 

Google ILYBINILWY and then get back with me. It's not something that I just made up or just assumed. It's a trending pattern that cheaters always use and if you do google it, you'll find multiple examples and references where ILYBINILWY has been strongly associated with infidelity from multiple sites.

 

And if you read the follow up post from Cali after my wildly RIDICULOUS conclusion, Cali stated that she has already cheated on him while in a relationship with him. I guess once a cheater, always a cheater or if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck....well, it doesn't apply because that would be wildly presumptuous and ridiculous to assume that a cheater would repeat uncorrected bad behavior.

Edited February 7, 2014 by Chi townD

[Caliguy30]

I do tend to agree with chi town. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I'd have to agree even if I don't want to. I don't answer her phone calls or texts because I don't owe this b**** s***.

[mikelongtolt]

Now she's calling me

I think she has dependency on u for her own self security sake.

 

Ignore her calls. worst tell her u need the time away to heal....if she doesn't respect tht, thn u knw she is just using u as a comfort blanket.

 

Drugs, alcohol and/or gambling are dangerous complication in people that we don't need.,,sound's harsh i know but i am just saying as it is.

 

Be strong my friend....eventhough is painful right now because there can never be strength without pain.

 

Take care and good luck.

[Caliguy30]

It was definitely a long night. Figured she would try to text me since she would probably be out drinking with friends. Woke up to nothing. I guess that's a good thing. She has tried to call me out before saying I go NC and then three days go and I break it. I'm staying strong proving to myself I don't need her to be happy. Trying to really focus on myself today and take it one day at a time. The one day I did break NC which started her talking to me like we normally do all day long, I was super hungover and depressed. I know alcohol is a depressant so i am staying away from heavy drinking for awhile.

[Caliguy30]

And..........I'm already struggling not to call her. Are the first 7 days the hardest?

[counterman]

I would say that the earlier days of NC are the hardest. The most difficult moments are when I'm alone and it's during a time I would usually spend with my ex. Gotta keep yourself distracted at all times. Stay strong