The dad Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 My xw cheated on me with one of my good friends in April of last year. Separation and divorce soon followed. She promptly moved an hour away to be with him and left our 14 year old daughter and all her friends and family. I have been doing my best to move on and help our daughter get through it. She is supposed to get her every other weekend, but more times than not she backs out. A few months ago they both got arrested for domestic battery, she told me that she hit him but he didn't lay a hand on her, I found out recently that he did in fact put his hands on her. A month ago she texted me asking if she could stay here with our daughter and I if she decided to leave. I told her no, that I wouldn't allow her to get our daughters hopes up. She has family here that she could stay with. A week after that when our daughter was with her on a weekend she sent me a text asking me to pick her up early because he was being "an ass". I agreed and after I picking her up all the way home and for the next week she was telling me all kind of horror stories that her mom told her about him, (calling her a whore, stalking her at work, bad mouthing me and mine and her family, steals money from her, is an alcoholic, doesn't shower) things our daughter doesn't need to hear and I let the ex know it. For the record I ask her nothing about her weekends with her mom. If she wants to talk I let her. Our daughter has said she doesn't want to go back if he is going to be there, and I won't make her. So my question is how do I get past these feeling of wanting to protect the ex. We were together almost 27 years, she was my first love and I NEVER treated her like that, and I never knew her as someone who would allow herself to be treated like that. I know she could leave if she wanted to but she stays. I don't want her back, and after seeing the kind of mother she has become I have no respect for her, but our daughter is feeling rejected by her and I don't know what to do. Can any women who have been in this type of relationship help me understand why she chooses him over her daughter and her self respect? Link to post Share on other sites
theothersully Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Wow... just wow. I cannot answer your question, but you are a very strong guy to be pulling this off so well. That is a horror story and your ex made an unbelievable mistake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 A tough one. I've been married just a little longer than you, and I understand that when you've spent that long protecting and looking out for somebody, you can't turn those tendencies off on a dime. It's what we're hard-wired to do as men. You may even still love her a bit (although if you do I wouldn't blame you for denying it ). But here's the thing: she fired you from that gig. It's no longer your responsibility to protect her and look out after her. She can get out anytime she wants, and she has family to lean on when she gets to that point. She's learning a hard lesson, but it's hers to learn. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Even if you wanted to protect you can't. It is easier to reason with brainwashed cult members than women who are addicted to drama. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) I would talk to a lawyer about an order of protection. Your daughter is old enough and they can interview her on her experiences with her mother over the weekend. DCFS might take a stroll out there to inspect living conditions. And given this guys record, it shouldn't be too hard to get an RO out. So, talk to a lawyer. If your Ex gets mad, so what. This isn't about you and her anymore. It's about your daughter and her safety and well being. If this asshat is getting away with beating your Ex, it's only a matter of time before he starts hitting your daughter OR WORSE! Edited February 6, 2014 by Chi townD 10 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 You can't help your ex, she's ran into the butchers hands all by herself. Just try to keep your daughter away from her mess. Rejection is nothing compared to abuse or seeing her mother literally destroying herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 ^^^^^^ What Chi Town said exactly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Even if you wanted to protect you can't. It is easier to reason with brainwashed cult members than women who are addicted to drama. Gosh, dang. Wow. Is this ever true. Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Agree with everyone. She doesn't need help, she needs a wakeup call. She has to help herself, stop herself from getting abused. Because if you help her, she won't learn the lesson. She might get into another relationship after that and if she ends up being treated the same way, she'd expect you to come to her rescue all over again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The dad Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 Thank for the replies. Yes, in my most honest hour I would admit to still feeling some love for her. But that love diminishes with each stunt she pulls. I do know I can't protect her from herself, and I'm not even going to try. Although there is a part of me that would love to go and throw it in his face that I'm helping her get away from him, I won't get caught up in her drama. My concern is my daughter. I just don't understand how someone who always said she could never understand why a woman would stay with someone who treated them like that would stay herself. She even defends him. I will not allow my daughter to think that's ok. It's hard to understand how she can pick that over her daughter. That is not the woman I have known since I was 18. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Agree with everyone. She doesn't need help, she needs a wakeup call. She has to help herself, stop herself from getting abused. Because if you help her, she won't learn the lesson. She might get into another relationship after that and if she ends up being treated the same way, she'd expect you to come to her rescue all over again. As they say, sometimes you just gotta toss the kid in the water until they learn to swim. This concept is virtually lost these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I just don't understand how someone who always said she could never understand why a woman would stay with someone who treated them like that would stay herself. She tried to get away, remember? And you refused to help her in any way. You had/have the right to not want her back in your house, but you could have suggested to her about moving in with one of her family members and even offered to help her move. She is your daughter's mother and if your care about your daughter then you have also a duty to make sure her mother is okay. It's your duty, responsibility to your daughter. After you've helped her as best you can and see fit, you can go back to feeling and treating her exactly the way you've been doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The dad Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 She know she could move in with her family, I feel like she was trying to find out if I would take her back before she left him. Not a chance. If I let her move back in here it would get our daughters hopes up. I won't do that to her. She did ask if she could "borrow" 20 dollars to hide in case she had to get away quick. I gave it to her, she stayed, then told our daughter I wouldn't let her stay here. She knows my weaknesses and tried using them against me. Hell their apartment is in her name and she won't kick him out, doesn't sound like someone who wants out to me. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 My concern is my daughter. That's all you need to know. Your wife is a big girl. Let her fight her own battles. You think she would come running to you if you were in need? She proved that by leaving you and your daughter how she is. If anything, you should let her know that if she wants to see your daughter then make sure this bum is no where around her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Encourage her to get therapy. As the mother of your daughter, her well being is important. Hopefully if she can ditch this abusive a-hole, find herself again and be the woman she was and is supposed to be, then she can build a relationship again with her daughter. But, until she can pull herself together, protect your daughter. Don't bash your wife to your daughter, just explain to her that her mom is not well and has made some bad decisions, but hopefully with the help of counseling she will be a functioning mother again. Tell your daughter her mom does love her - Even if you don't want to, it'll help your daughter in the long run to know that her mom does love her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 She know she could move in with her family, I feel like she was trying to find out if I would take her back before she left him. Not a chance. If I let her move back in here it would get our daughters hopes up. I won't do that to her. She did ask if she could "borrow" 20 dollars to hide in case she had to get away quick. I gave it to her, she stayed, then told our daughter I wouldn't let her stay here. She knows my weaknesses and tried using them against me. Hell their apartment is in her name and she won't kick him out, doesn't sound like someone who wants out to me. She is in an abusive relationship and is addicted to the highs of it. I'm sure the highs are worth the low's. Google about this and try to understand what you're dealing with when it comes to abuse victims. How old is daughter? Is she old enough to understand that her mom is not well and needs help? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Can any women who have been in this type of relationship help me understand why she chooses him over her daughter and her self respect? What was her past...what was she running from that she ran back in to? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Use the Courts, go for custody or at least supervised visits. Your putting your daughter at risk by sending her there, besides what are you showing her that it's ok to be abused as a woman? She is 14, old enough to tell the Court where and who she wants to be with. You need to act now and protect her, maybe loosing her rights to visitation is a good wake up call. You can't protect your ex wife from her own stupidity but as a father it's your duty to protect your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Even if you wanted to protect you can't. It is easier to reason with brainwashed cult members than women who are addicted to drama. Yes, some women are completely addicted to drama and suffering. Alas, in most cases these mental problems only surface as they grow older. Kind of what happens with ALzheimer and other types of degenerative mental problems. I know plenty of cases of women who, in their teens and 20's, were pretty strong, smart and independent. The "take no **** off fools type". Yet, as they reached their 30's they began to enter dysfunctional relationships (even leaving good, stable relationships) where abuse and emotional violence is the norm. I see this as a kind of deep-rooted issue that comes from the woman's own emotional core (like pedophilic instincts or self-mutilation in other persons). Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 She tried to get away, remember? And you refused to help her in any way. You had/have the right to not want her back in your house, but you could have suggested to her about moving in with one of her family members and even offered to help her move. What the hell, Ronni. Why lay this at the OP's doorstep? Are you assuming that the X is too stupid to figure out for herself that she could move in with family? Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Thank for the replies. Yes, in my most honest hour I would admit to still feeling some love for her. But that love diminishes with each stunt she pulls. I do know I can't protect her from herself, and I'm not even going to try. Although there is a part of me that would love to go and throw it in his face that I'm helping her get away from him, I won't get caught up in her drama. My concern is my daughter. I just don't understand how someone who always said she could never understand why a woman would stay with someone who treated them like that would stay herself. She even defends him. I will not allow my daughter to think that's ok. It's hard to understand how she can pick that over her daughter. That is not the woman I have known since I was 18. I feel for you as I'm in a similar situation. STBXW left me for her other man. It's become a very volatile situation, so obviously she comes back for help from me. And I also have feelings for he buried deep which makes me want to keep helping her and our daughter. I'm not good at it right now, but knowing your boundaries will help. It's impossible to turn your back totally on the situation and you aren't a doormat for helping her. But know when enough is enough. Now I just need to take my own advice. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 You need to be a rock and an advocate for the safety and well being of your daughter. Do whatever it takes to keep her away from that threat to her safety and well being. As for your X, she waived her rights to your protection and assistance. You owe her nothing and I think you are doing the right thing that by being honest that you will not take her back after this. +10 points for you on that one! However she is a human being and will always be the mother of your daughter. You need to differentiate between if she "can't" leave her abusive partner or if she "won't." those are two completely different things. If she has two feet that work, a car that runs, enough money to put gas in it and a phone to call 911 or other friends/relatives with then she CAN leave, she is just choosing not to. If she truly "can't" get away from being assaulted, then I feel as human beings we are all obligated to do something in a crisis situation. But if she has the ways and means to leave but is choosing to stay there and take the whupping, then you are under no obligation to inconvenience yourself to make her life easier. It will probably just drag out her abuse anyway. I think if you tell her that if she moves back in with other relatives, you will do your part in protecting and taking care of your daughter and not put any undo restrictions on her access to the daughter as long as the butthole BF stays out of the picture. If he is around then all bets are off. Some times you simply can't protect people from themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I would say don't try to protect her at all. Try to protect your daughter and that's it. Focus on your daughter. It's almost like your ex got what she deserves - don't even think of taking her back, or anything like that. Some people just like to be abused. My ex left me for an addict and an unemployed bum - that defies logic. Just keep living a high quality life and don't let hers affect yours! Link to post Share on other sites
lockedoutluv Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 She is in an abusive relationship and is addicted to the highs of it. I'm sure the highs are worth the low's. Google about this and try to understand what you're dealing with when it comes to abuse victims. That's it in a nutshell. She's addicted to the thrill of being with a bad boy. The thing is, even if you help her get out of this relationship, she will jump into another relationship just like it, maybe a bit better, maybe worse. But she's not going to stop wanting that kind of relationship, no matter how hard you try. I would say don't try to protect her at all. Try to protect your daughter and that's it. Focus on your daughter. It's almost like your ex got what she deserves - don't even think of taking her back, or anything like that. Protect the daughter, and the most important thing you can do is to make sure she sees the self-destructive behavior of her mom so that she never grows up to imitate that behavior. That would be the absolute worst outcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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