Need for a unique situation

[HarmonyInDisonance]

To begin with, sorry to those that know me here for going AWOL for several months. I am going to go through my box today and try to catch up...

 

 

That being said, I am looking for advice. You see I am a stay at home dad, I home school, I cut firewood by hand, I maintain a 180 year old home, and much much more, WHILE I keep 4 kids, all under the age of 9 from killing each other.

 

I am feeling terribly guilty for you see, I hate my kids.

 

I expect to get flamed for this. Please understand however that while the above is true, I also love my kids.

 

This kind of duality is ripping me to pieces. I walk in a constant fog, feeling contrite. I try to hide it, I take very meticulous care of them, and I try to put myself last. Lately though its getting impossible to keep it in.

 

I just feel like no one gives a damn about what I do around here. My wife tells me I am a terrible person whenever I try to talk to her about this, simply telling me to GTFO. The thing is that I sacrifice EVERYTHING, and yet, I am still a dirt bag according to her and her family. My daughter comes home telling me of her grandmothers report of me, which is never good.

 

Some of you may know me here. I have come a long way in improving myself, but how far can I go???

 

Is it possible to completely change one's innate traits?

 

Am I simply pissing into the wind?

 

I guess my simple question is this. How do you force yourself to love something when it makes you hurt so much. I do the work, I sacrifice ALL of my time. I have no friends, and I mean none. I disowned my birth family completely (at my wife's ultimatum driven whim) and I have no one to talk to... AT ALL

cept you poor bastards, lucky you huh?

 

I start everyday the same, amid screaming kids. I end it in the exact same way. Everyday for a month I have been promising myself that I will sit down tonight and play torchlight 2, my favorite game ATM. What actually happens is me passing sitting up in my chair, literally in mid-click.

 

I must be doing SOMETHING right though. People tell me all the time that my children are perfect. They behave, they use proper manners, (age appropriate at least and treat OTHER people with proper respect. I on the other hand get all the screaming, punching, (often in the groin, mine specifically) and utter lack of concern.

 

My wife works for WIC, which is hilarious really seeing as how we are on WIC ourselves due to the pathetic 10usd hourly they give her for 8 years of service. Meanwhile I stay home and teach, cut wood, clean the place, cook three a day (From Scratch!) and generally just try to keep my proverbial **** together.

 

We are literally dirt poor. The house shows sunlight through the walls. I hang up blankets everywhere in the winter to help hold the heat. I also plastic wrapped the entire outside of the house to block wind. The place is falling apart and during a hard winter, such as this one, plumbing repairs MUST be made weekly, if not more often.

 

I have been a dirt bag in the past, but even after doing as I was told, working hard, never even glancing at other woman, stopping drinking completely, quitting painkillers (hard to do when your in chronic pain due to missing kneecap), quitting all mental health garbage, and working hard day in and day out, for about 1 year now.

 

Does it ever get better, I know a year is not long time, but it feels like eternity when you work this hard and get **** on for it.

 

I am so bottled up these days I am literally petrified to leave the house. You see people are sometimes *******s, as we all well know. The problem is that I cannot seem to hold my temper with an outsider. I have pent up so much from my family that when someone I am not beholden too crosses me I simply try to walk off. If they stay put and quite all is well, if not, I wheel around and inform them that I could end them in an instant. I inform them that sometimes a quiet father of 4 kids was formerly a combat infiltration specialist for uncle sam. I then inform them of some other choice stuff. So far the only reason I haven't gotten into big trouble is that the offenders have run away in terror.

 

I HAVE to get this under control before I seriously kill some poor idiot.

 

I really need some advice! How do you guys do it? I see other parents that look happy. So how do I get to be that way in my situation?

 

Side Note: The above is not self biased and completely accurate. I have learned to accept my faults and there is no other side to this dialog. Making myself look better, worse or in any way different, would defeat the purpose as I need accurate perception of the situation for you lest your advice not accurately apply to my situation.

[juicygirl]

Wow, okay first of all you have to take responsibility for this situation, because you created it, and I know that's hard to hear.However, 4 children were not conceived by one person and you were most likely poor with the first 2 and knew it "wasn't for you" and sucked then, right!.

 

Anyway, that said,the children are here now and honestly I don't believe that you don't love the children because you do a lot for them, more than most parents, but you are extremely stressed. I'm a bit worried that your wife is very toxic, along which her family, who sound despicable. I would possibly consider leaving her, as you didn't mention in the post that you loved her or she's understanding of you regardless of being dirt poor, it sounds miserable.

 

People tell you that children are hard work and that's no joke. I'm a single mother of two, a one-year-old and a three year old. There are days when I just want to run away, especially after their dad left and I was pregnant. I just couldn't bear the whole parents process ,but before that I absolutely loved it? The three-year-old seemed very challenging and I felt like I was always shouting at her, ("don't do that" "get down" " please put it down" "can you listen" "come here" and the list goes on. I had to dig deeper and address myself, there is no problem with my daughter,the problem was with me ,she's three! She is behaviouring accordingly,I needed to understand that she's a child and how to deal with her and not try to deal with her as I would do with an adult. A lot of these issues came from how I was raised and I know that I didn't want to be parenting the same way my parents did. The good thing about me and you is that we're both consciously aware, you realise that you're getting too angry and to upset and know to seek help because many don't.

 

I'm not sure how it works in the state,but the last comments you made about "killing some poor idiot" is disturbing. If you possibly can get free professional help I would. I would stay away from the painkillers and drugs, change your lifestyle, read some books about healthy diets and fitness, seriously it can keep you sane. Make sure you're getting all your vitamins and minerals, it sounds ridiculous, but you may have some kind of deficiency and it could be easy to fix by taking a multi vitamin and changing what you are eating.

Make sure you are not lacking in sleep it, obviously sleeping is your brains downtime ,helps your body to heal and seriously effects your mood. I'm sure you know this,but are you getting enough sleep?

 

Get out with the kids, the one thing that really helped me is getting out of the house, staying inside all the time will drive you insane and I'm not rich, I go to free activities, free museums, free soft plays, parks etc. it helps you to bond with them too and they're not driving you crazy because they're not bored.

 

Get a hobby, I don't care if it's joining instragam, it's a start. There are so many social networking site where you can make friends, even if they are virtual ones for now, it will just help you feel a little bit more connected to the world and not just kids,kids, kids all the time.if you page is about your cooking then you'll find other people that enjoy cooking too, or maybe make it about your video games, whatever is interesting too you.

 

Is there a possibility of you getting a job?Maybe it will give you some sense of self worth and time away from the house?

 

Don't make excuses start implementing the changes today, small changes will make a big difference.

[pie2]

Whoa, first off, you've got a lot on your plate, and many people would've run for the hills with all that going on. So, you're tougher than you think. And you've gotten such great advice from the posters above. I don't have much else to add, except to say that I think you should sit down and formulate a plan.

 

 

First, I think you need to define and prioritize your goals.

 

 

 

• Is your goal to have free time? If so, how much?
  
• Is your goal to home-school? If so, why, and what are the consequences (good and bad) of doing so? If not, what are some alternatives?
  
• Are you OK with not being the breadwinner? What are some of the consequences (good/bad)in your life for relying on your wife in this way?
  

After you figure out what you really want in your life, try to brainstorm some solutions (however crazy they may appear). Try to think outside the box on what your solutions may be.

 

 

Lastly, I guess I can offer some advice, but please take it with a grain of salt, because I'm not a parent myself. So I could be talking out of my back side! But I think you could really benefit from keeping your kids on a stricter routine. If you give your kids structure and keep them occupied throughout the day, I think you'll see a reduction in the chaos.

[preraph]

First I applaud you for making the changes you have made to be a better person. Life can really suck sometimes. If you were a woman telling me her husband made her cut off communications with his family, I'd immediately suspect controlling abuse. However, I know nothing about why she asked this. There could be reasons to keep them from the kids or out of her house or path. But if you wanted to see them alone at their house, I can't fathom why not.

 

You are bottled up and under a lot of stress. You say you are ex-military. That means you have resources to help you learn to cope at the VA. I don't know how far away that is for you, but they have excellent services for anger and of course PTSD, as we so often hear about. You may well have real depression. Yes, a component of depression can be anger. I was depressed for a long time and I was mad the whole time and lashing out. Sometimes that anger is justified, but it's in our best interests to learn to control it -- and you can control it, as you know, since you only go off at strangers (I do that too). Behavior modification and just learning what triggers anger can really help defuse you. If you have depression as well, there are all kinds of meds to help you cope with that. I see you acknowledge some prescription addiction. There are depression meds that aren't really addictive and then some that are. Just let the doctor know the issues there. If you are already seeing a doc, which it sounds like since you quit the pain meds, make sure he knows you have these big anger and possibly depression issues. Don't assume the shrink is psychic. Tell him everything.

 

When anyone is depressed, it is hard to cope just with oneself, much less a wife and 4 wallclimbers! Seriously. After assessing with the VA and seeing what they can help you with, it may be time for a new life plan if things don't smooth out for you. Best wishes.