Scott Thomas Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Hmmm. I'll still maintain my stance. Loyalty to the H or to the OM (by informing the H and divorce). Since I'm not privy to the details of your marriage, I'll leave you to decide Ob your own. And for heaven's sake, ask your OM to leave your kids out if this. It's degrading enough that he sleeps with his friend's wife. At least the children ought to be sacred enough to be left alone. Or is he determined to leave his mark on that side of your H's life as well? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SugarHibiscus Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I honestly never thought about the kids that way. You're right, it is the ultimate F U to my H. I have your wife AND your kids. Thanks for the insight. I always thought that he was saying he would take care of the children to try to persuade me to leave. He knows I would NEVER leave my children. He has a great relationship with my kids. They love him. I, secretly of course, go to him with most of my parenting decisions. It's almost like we co-parent them. My H couldn't care less about child-rearing. In theory, he does, but practically he doesn't. I'm not ignoring your questions on the other thread. I'll respond ASAP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 As it is likely that the affair might be discovered, I think it's better that you try separating the OM from the kids. I can't imagine your husband's response, as it would pertain to the kids (imagine your rage if an OW came near your kids). Consequently, I think you need to draw a wedge between the kids and the OM. Stop consulting him on parenting decisions: that's your husband's job, even if he is absent. Do this to protect your children from the fallout of the affair, especially if they realise what happened and start hating the OM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Maybe your H would consider counseling if he understood you've been having an affair? Nothing like a bit of honesty to get people motivated to work on things, eh? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 Maybe your H would consider counseling if he understood you've been having an affair? Nothing like a bit of honesty to get people motivated to work on things, eh? There has been a whole lot more that's happened in the length of my relationship with my husband than this affair, including past infidelities on his side. I am doing my best to keep my children's family intact. I made a mistake and not justifying it but it doesn't trump my husbands mistakes completely however if he learned of it, in his mind nothing he had ever done would matter to him at all.. I want a chance. I don't know what is going to happen yet but I do not want to betray everyone further by bringing the affair to light. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Do you have a question? Your starting post didn't indicate one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 Do you have a question? Your starting post didn't indicate one... Why do I need to have a question? Says right above the thread that this is a place for discussion and support. I don't believe I have to be asking specific questions or looking for advice or answers. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Why do I need to have a question? Says right above the thread that this is a place for discussion and support. I don't believe I have to be asking specific questions or looking for advice or answers. I didn't state you had to have a question. I just asked if you did... Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 It's not just me and him that are close, her and my husband are very close as well. Would you possibly consider polyamory? Since you adults and children are like a family anyway, and your hubby talks to her and you and the other husband are lovers, this may be a way to be open and continue. Is this a possibility? Talk to your husband and talk to your friend about the subject, and see how they react. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Have you ever wondered if your H may be having an affair with his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Would you possibly consider polyamory? Since you adults and children are like a family anyway, and your hubby talks to her and you and the other husband are lovers, this may be a way to be open and continue. Is this a possibility? Talk to your husband and talk to your friend about the subject, and see how they react. Although do realize that the minute you do this, you have pulled a trigger, and this is almost as good as admitting to an affair, because once you open the floor to the idea that you would like to f*** the OM (which is how your husband will hear it when you say "Fred, what do you think of an open relationship with Barney and Betty?") then he will start to look at everything you are doing (and everything you have done recently) in that context, and the whole thing will come apart pretty quickly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I honestly never thought about the kids that way. You're right, it is the ultimate F U to my H. I have your wife AND your kids. Thanks for the insight. Oh yeah, it's only the two most fundamental instincts primary to the propagation of the species: fertilize the woman and provide for the offspring. I always thought that he was saying he would take care of the children to try to persuade me to leave. He knows I would NEVER leave my children. That may be it on the surface, but you can't deny the power of the message at the instinctual level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 Although do realize that the minute you do this, you have pulled a trigger, and this is almost as good as admitting to an affair, because once you open the floor to the idea that you would like to f*** the OM (which is how your husband will hear it when you say "Fred, what do you think of an open relationship with Barney and Betty?") then he will start to look at everything you are doing (and everything you have done recently) in that context, and the whole thing will come apart pretty quickly. Exactly. The issue had already come up when OM brought the idea up in a joking way before the affair even began.. Did not go over well with either spouse and if I was the one to bring it up red flags would be flying everywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 Have you ever wondered if your H may be having an affair with his wife? In the beginning it crossed our minds but I think that was just our guilty consciences. They are not interested in each other the same way we are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 (edited) I've been dealing with my emotions pretty well I think. I only cry in the shower, how pathetic is that. It's been a month in just a couple more days since we agreed to not cross the line, and we haven't. He's flirty and he stars longingly at me like he did in the very beginning before the affair started but hasn't tried to contact me. He used to stare at me hard when in a group situation, trying to get me to look him in the eye because I'm horrible eye contact and he knows that and wanted me to catch him looking.. He stopped doing it during the affair. Our situation is really hard because we live next door, he goes to work with my husband every day. And his wife is my best friend. I see them all the time, so our 'no contact' is meaning private contact or us being alone and acting like anything more than friends. I want and need all the to be in the past. The affair was a mistake but at the same time I love this guy so much. I try really hard to get him out of my mind and I can't. I'll be doing ok and then she will post a picture of him and I'll catch myself staring at it, my head spinning and my heart literally in my throat. She likes to make their relationship out to be perfect to the world, social media and such. But I know the inside scoop. I know they don't have sex because she tells me so, I know she feels disconnected from him but doesn't understand why. I also know he loves me and that even though he loves her too, what we had was completely different. I'm not bashing his wife, she's a great person in a lot of ways but we are not comparable, we are so different. And I have hurt her enough without her ever knowing and I need to just back up and let them have their marriage. My husband loves me too and I love him but we are so incompatible. What we have works but I feel so alone. I don't even know how to put it into worlds, it's mostly from past things I can't get over even though I knoe I need too. Its hard. I'll have a really good day and feel confident in myself and then hear something from her that has me a puddle inside. Sometimes it's that they fight, that she says his mind is elsewhere and he's mad at her for no reason, or else it's the total opposite and she's saying how great he is and how they she's madly in love with him. They were away this weekend and she kept updating me with what an awesome time they were having. It's a really conflicting feeling because I want them to both be happy but I wish I didn't feel like I do about it. I'm so confused. I push jealous thoughts down because they are unfair and I'm ashamed of myself for having them. But here I am.. Bawling my eyes out first thing in the morning. All alone while I run on the treadmill or while I stand in the shower because if I did it anywhere else someone would ask what's wrong. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. Edited February 23, 2014 by LaylaSings Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 Have you ever wondered if your H may be having an affair with his wife? Both of us went back and forth with this idea but I know now it wasnt based on anything but out guilty consciences. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 My guess is their marriage is pretty normal for people in their stage of life- when kids are younger the stress really gets to people-if they are still together then I feel like they love each other enough to get through this part of their life and are truly bonded in a way you wish they were not- since you live next door you will probably witness the rebirth of their marriage and that will be hard for you- I know we have been in our house 10 years and the change in all of our marriages follow this pattern- the Moms use to "complain" about our marriages, the stress, the kids, etc... then as they got older we all started to talk about the rebirth of our marriages, the reconnection that comes, the spark that renews, all of it- instead of backyard BBQs running after the kids as a group, we now all go to Vegas without the kids-we don't do Moms Night Out, we are downtown getting hotel rooms with our spouses- lives change and grow- you may consider moving as I think witnessing this may be very difficult on you- Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 My guess is their marriage is pretty normal for people in their stage of life- when kids are younger the stress really gets to people-if they are still together then I feel like they love each other enough to get through this part of their life and are truly bonded in a way you wish they were not- since you live next door you will probably witness the rebirth of their marriage and that will be hard for you- I know we have been in our house 10 years and the change in all of our marriages follow this pattern- the Moms use to "complain" about our marriages, the stress, the kids, etc... then as they got older we all started to talk about the rebirth of our marriages, the reconnection that comes, the spark that renews, all of it- instead of backyard BBQs running after the kids as a group, we now all go to Vegas without the kids-we don't do Moms Night Out, we are downtown getting hotel rooms with our spouses- lives change and grow- you may consider moving as I think witnessing this may be very difficult on you- Oh I know exactly what you are saying. I've never said their marriage was horrible and neither is mine. We both just have lots of things we can't say to our partners.. Him more so than me. I'm not worried about their bond getting stronger.. I WANT that for both of them, and I want it for me and my husband. It's just really painful at the same time. It's still new and fresh and I hope it gets easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 I know I made this mess and I don't deserve sympathy. I guess I've just never been in such internal pain. I'm really shocked by how easily I can hide it on the outside. Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 This whole situation is incredibly sad, and one of the saddest parts is what it's turned you in to. You say that you are someone who is honest,tells the truth, doesn't hurt innocent people, yet that's not true. You are someone one who does all those things, plus a whole lot more You pretend to be his W's friend. You lie to your husband and children. The om, who you perceive as being so wonderful, is just as bad. I am not trying to be cruel, though I expect it sounds as if I am. It just seems as if you still have your head in the clouds, and are saying the right things, but don't really believe them. It also sounds as if this A is turning you into someone you don't really want to be, and each day just makes it worse. While you may be intellectually out of the affair, emotionally, you are not. I have no idea how you are going to change that, as living so close together and with your lives intertwined so much, pulling away from him without anyone noticing will be very hard. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Right rumble seat, that has been difficult for my husband to face what he became. He was a liar, manipulator, someone with no integrity at all. That was so not him and as a matter of fact he hated people like that. Now he is trying to learn not to hate himself. Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Right rumble seat, that has been difficult for my husband to face what he became. He was a liar, manipulator, someone with no integrity at all. That was so not him and as a matter of fact he hated people like that. Now he is trying to learn not to hate himself. It's not about hating yourself. That's not really productive and can lead to more problems. It's more about recognizing that this rather unsavoury aspect was there and learning how to act differently in the future. When you think about it, we all have it in us to lie and deceive, but some make other choices. We are not doomed to reenact poor behaviour patterns, so long as we learn better ones. Link to post Share on other sites
littlemermaid Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 (edited) I've been dealing with my emotions pretty well I think. I only cry in the shower, how pathetic is that. It's been a month in just a couple more days since we agreed to not cross the line, and we haven't. He's flirty and he stars longingly at me like he did in the very beginning before the affair started but hasn't tried to contact me. He used to stare at me hard when in a group situation, trying to get me to look him in the eye because I'm horrible eye contact and he knows that and wanted me to catch him looking.. He stopped doing it during the affair. Our situation is really hard because we live next door, he goes to work with my husband every day. And his wife is my best friend. I see them all the time, so our 'no contact' is meaning private contact or us being alone and acting like anything more than friends. I want and need all the to be in the past. The affair was a mistake but at the same time I love this guy so much. I try really hard to get him out of my mind and I can't. I'll be doing ok and then she will post a picture of him and I'll catch myself staring at it, my head spinning and my heart literally in my throat. She likes to make their relationship out to be perfect to the world, social media and such. But I know the inside scoop. I know they don't have sex because she tells me so, I know she feels disconnected from him but doesn't understand why. I also know he loves me and that even though he loves her too, what we had was completely different. I'm not bashing his wife, she's a great person in a lot of ways but we are not comparable, we are so different. And I have hurt her enough without her ever knowing and I need to just back up and let them have their marriage. My husband loves me too and I love him but we are so incompatible. What we have works but I feel so alone. I don't even know how to put it into worlds, it's mostly from past things I can't get over even though I knoe I need too. Its hard. I'll have a really good day and feel confident in myself and then hear something from her that has me a puddle inside. Sometimes it's that they fight, that she says his mind is elsewhere and he's mad at her for no reason, or else it's the total opposite and she's saying how great he is and how they she's madly in love with him. They were away this weekend and she kept updating me with what an awesome time they were having. It's a really conflicting feeling because I want them to both be happy but I wish I didn't feel like I do about it. I'm so confused. I push jealous thoughts down because they are unfair and I'm ashamed of myself for having them. But here I am.. Bawling my eyes out first thing in the morning. All alone while I run on the treadmill or while I stand in the shower because if I did it anywhere else someone would ask what's wrong. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. Layla, Our situations are very similar. My MOM doesn't live next door, but a couple of streets over. I was friends with his wife first, then the 4 of us all become really good friends, did a lot of things with our 2 families together, kids best friends, etc. I felt him looking at me, felt like there were signs from him but I never believed he would act on them. I didn't think he was that type of person. I know what I am capable of, but I didn't think he was, so I thought it would never happen, was just innocent flirting. She confides everything in me, the troubles that they have, EVERYTHING. Last fall she started pulling away from us all seeing each other and she started seeing me one on one with the kids. Anytime there was an activity or event that he would be at, she would cancel at the last minute. She never mentioned why, but I knew that it was because she could sense his growing attraction for me, and maybe mine for him. I felt it at the time, and he confirmed this when our "A" started. Anyway. I understand exactly what you are going through, how an update from "her" can make you feel like you have been stabbed in the guts, a picture, an update on facebook...I know, my God, I know. I too am the fly on the wall and it's such a painful situation to be in. I don't know how I hide it either, when I'm with her, or in everyday life. Sometimes I am fine for a week or more and then something happens and it's ripped open again. I still find myself amazed that we got ourselves in this situation at all. Edited February 23, 2014 by littlemermaid Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 I want and need all the to be in the past. The affair was a mistake but at the same time I love this guy so much. I try really hard to get him out of my mind and I can't. I'll be doing ok and then she will post a picture of him and I'll catch myself staring at it, my head spinning and my heart literally in my throat. I don't actually have any good advice to add. I'm in the midst of my own self-created mess, so it would be pretty hypocritical anyway... But I did want to say that reading all of this made my heart hurt for you. I have both the fortune and misfortune that my xAP lives thousands of miles away from me. Even with the distance though, we're still tangled up in the aftermath of our affair. It hurts. In my case, it won't work because of kids/geography, but the feelings are still there. It's so hard to try to put that aside and wish this person well in fixing their marriage, you know? I do wish him well, and I really want him to be ok, and to be happy again, but god, it hurts to witness, even from a distance. I can't imagine if our lives were as enmeshed as yours are. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and that I hope it starts to get easier for you soon. I, too, cry when I'm alone and then put on a smile for my family the rest of the day. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way, and please let us know how you're doing. (And thanks for indulging my self-centered ramblings.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 Today for some reason has been the hardest for me. Like all the emotion I've been pushing down for the past 4 weeks is coming rushing up now. Spent the majority of my day at the gym, it's about the only place I'm really alone, and I've been obsessing over working out whenever I start to think about him. It seemed like a good tactic when I first started to pull away because it got my mind off of things and in the end there are nothing but benefits right?? Better than eating or drinking the feelings away. It's helped a lot. But today.. Can't stop the tears. And another knife to my heart his wife called me a few hours ago to talk about this weeks plans and she could tell in my voice I had been crying.. Made a stupid excuse up about a personal issue that is real and she knows about.. Not the reason I was crying at all but makes perfect sense I would be.. Her suggestion? Just cry it out, get it all out and then forget about it. I'm such a ****ty person for having done this to my family and hers and whether people here think I'm just trying to 'say the right things' without really meaning them.. I really mean it. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be right back in it if he contacted me today because this is the most vulnerable I've ever felt. But I know that he knows that.. I think he'll continue to give me space. I just want to be past it. And I feel like I never will be. I feel like I'll never feel again like I do when he touches me or when he's next to me. I hate myself in moments like that for even feeling that way. Women are hurt by their married men sticking to no contact but I'm not, I see it as proof he cares about me, proof he loves me and that this wasn't about just sex. In my lowest points during the affair I wondered about that.. If he was using me. As soon as he knew I was hurting he agreed to ending it, even though he didn't want to. We both would rather keep being friends than risk our families lives or our friendship.. I have some good days where I think logically and I know ending this was for the best but even though I do love my husband I have never loved anyone like I love this other man.. Ever. I'm ashamed even having those thoughts. It's so wrong for me to feel that way.. But I do. I am sorry for any pain that the women and men here are going through. We made mistakes and before this happened to me I would have judged these very mistakes so harshly.. And I consider myself an open minded compassionate person. But I would have been so disgusted with the woman in my shoes.. Now I don't know. Sometimes our hearts (and sexual organs if we are being honest) make us do things we never would have allowed in another life.. This is my fault I know and I don't expect sympathy I just feel a little better knowing I'm not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
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